I dont eat brinjal-dont you want to know why?

When I was a boy,we were living in a govt bungalow with one acre compound.We were all garden enthusiasts and grew enough vegetables for us as well as neighbours.One year we got so much of brinjals that we had it with almost every meal.Brinjal karakari,Brinjal rasavangi,Brijal sutta chutney,stuffed Brijal kari-my mother was imaginative.At one stage when I refused to touch Brinjal,my mother would look at my father-my father would roar like a lion and the next second-the brinjal would disappearEvery child faces torture in some form or other and mine came in the form of Brinjal.The first thing I did when I became economically independent was to abandon brinjal and this is continuing for the last 50+years
.In one of the recent articles titled Boomarang effect,{TOI dated August 13 the author has classified parents into five different types and their impact on children.Let me briefly summarise the thoughts expressed;

Over protective parents deprive children of emotional independence and they become weak in later life.A highly qualified boy I know is stuck up in a much lower position and a much lower salary as he wants to live with his parents in Chennai.His marriage will be on the rocks unless he can find a girl who can mother him.

Suspicious parents develop fear in their children and this may encourage them to tell lies.There are cases where parents follow their children to check what they are upto.This has a rub off effect on them and they in turn start suspecting in their later life including their wives or husbands as the case may be.

Abusive parents put the fear of God in their children.In later life they may become rebellious or too meek.I know a case where after the father died the teen age boy used to threaten his mother with a knife for generous pocket money.

Passive parents who can never so no to their children for even unreasonable demands are doing a great disservice to their children.Such children become arrogant and can never be a community player.They gather their own yes boss groups and cause havoc-we have seen them too many times in films and real life[all the run over and shooting cases]

Pushy parents-I dread them.They subject children to extreme pressure.Arun never enjoyed summer holidays as he was preparing for the next year.He had a vacant look in his eyes as if he was thinking all the time how to fulfil his parents’ expectations.In case boys like Arun if they don’t meet the objectives, results can be disastrous.Of late the situation has become so serious to warrant appointment of special counselors,whenexam results are out, to help the children get over disappointments.

Having identified the difficulties and confusion parents face in bringing up the children let us see what we can do about it.

Give the children enough independence to think on their own feet.Give them fishing rod and not fish as the saying goes.

When we suspect that something is wrong it is better to raise it and thrash it out.Trust is an important attribute we should have and also develop in children.

Strokes whether positive or negative play a significant role in the development of children.The worst thing to happen is ignoring the children.The first thing that comes to our mind when we are angry is not to talk to them.At some stage the children may not want to talk to us..When we become angry, let us take our time and discuss instead of heaping abuses or becoming violent.We have to remember that the fight is not among equals.

We have to learn to say no to children when the occasion demands.We should not also be cowed down by temper tantrums.Let there be a time lag between demand and fulfilment.Instant gratification is a dangerous thing to follow.

Children should be told that winning or losing is immaterial as long as enough efforts are put in.”Take rough with the smooth”is an important lesson for all of us We feel bad when the losers and their parents cry in many reality shows and I think one case became critical.

“We do not what we ought
What we ought not we do
And lean upon the thought
That chance will see us through”

Let me reproduce a beautiful poem[ by an unknown author]. I read in the preface section of Dale Carnegie’s book which needs no explanation.

If you cant be the pine on the top of the hill,
Be a scrub in the valley-but be
The best little scrub by the side of the rill.

Be a bush if you cant be a tree
If you cant be a bush,be a bit of the grass,
And some highway happier make.

If you cant be a muskie,then just be a bass,
But the liveliest bass in the lake.
We cant all be captains,we’ve got to be crew,

There is something for all of us here,
There is big work to do and there islessertodo,
And the task we must do is the near.

If you cant be a highway,then just be a trail,
If you cant be the sun-be a star.
It is not by the size you win or fall
Be the best of whatever you are.

 

Dear Sriniketan,
You are right, that children cannot be brought up with manuals.One can always jot down and find out the classification under which her parenting falls.This will help in making gradual but decisive adjustments to help children attain a well rounded personality.Today in the TV there was a debate whether parents or children are the sufferers.Both groups put up a tough fight and in the process a valuable point was thrown up ie what are we doing to bring them up as good human beings.Parenting is a tough subject and one has to go by instincts and leading from the front by setting examples.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

 

Dear Malini,
Parenting has become difficult with competing pressures from media,peer group etc.Some parents think that shutting off children from such pressure will help.On the contrary I find children from families with open communication shape up well as they have been equipped to distinguish between right and wrong.
Thanks for your FB.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

 

Dear Prijan,
Parenting is becoming increasingly complex and difficult.Parents no longer enjoy the status of being the primary source of information and counselling.One has to tread a cautious path combining,firmness,understanding,friendship and open communication.Thanks for your FB.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN