I cried today!!

Tridev

I totally agree with you...there are such women where if her parents are old and alone they get all emotional...but if the inlaws are old and alone, still the DILs want to stay away...yep selfish beings agreed to that!

Just like the above mentioned selfish DILs, there are some inlaws even when they are in their 70s or 80s still make the DILs life hell and where the marriage is at stake...so might be the DILs want to avoid their marriage being at stake...

But if the husband is supportive and if the wife knows that no matter what husband would also listen and understand wifes point of view or suggestion...such DILs would surely be there for the aged inlaws...

But still there are some DILs who prefer their parents over the inlaws..which is pure selfish nature...but beleive me not all DILs are like that.

 

I don't understand why your folks who are healthy cannot fly over and stay with you. It certainly makes more sense then working folks with kids flying there. Many Americans have MIL apartments (can be wife's or husband's mother or father or both) that they set up in their homes for comfort of older folks. As to flying, they give good wheelchair service on the airline. After my accident in India three years ago I had to have a wheelchair and there was a swarm of old people in chairs that they routed in the connections. Second idea is for them to stopover in Europe if too tiring. Now there are non-stops also.

You need to address this now when you can and not carry guilt to the grave. I left a Fortune 500 job to take care of my folks but I will go to my grave without any guilt about them. Get off your rear and do what will make this ok. Sorry to be blunt...I only have your welfare in mind as I say it.

 

You are right... lets take law of averages... what does it say..?. Dil-Mil combo, does not work....no matter what.

By the way I saw you became a moderator, when did that happen?

Congratulations

 

Parents in old age have a healthy social life in India, most people want to go back to meet parents and also connect with friends, relatives, all of whom cannot come to US.

For old folks to live in US means to live a 100% dependent life, In India they can go out on their own, speak their language, etc, here that is not the case, they cannot mix with other, even with other Indians they are scared to talk , knowing those Indians must have become Americans.. they cannot travel on their own.. The sense of belongingness is not there

how many of us if we did not have work and wanted to live a retired life prefer US or west?


I dont think we are doing any good by dragging them to US, other than seeing kids which will be done for few days, they litterally have nothing to do, unless its their first visit and kids happen to take them places....

Most of the times parents live looking out of the window, Please for God sake we should let them live in peace in India even though alone and lets stay in peace.... we should not again be SELFISH and to avoid guilt keep calling them....

 

hey Tridev, you have already answered your question in your own post.if it is about going back for the sake of parents,you all MCPs are automatically thinking that you will be living with your parents and wifes family comes nowhere in the picture.The son and dil are expected to live with in-laws, cope up with all the differences in opinion and lifestyle, what kinna of a sacrifice a guy is making here, huh?
and those who are living abroad, a major portion of the wives are not working for various reasons,so they are like glorified cooking and household maids cum babysitters serving sorry "taking care" throughout the year , some of whom are rendering this free service in exchange of big dowries.but when it comes to vacation,the guy who cherishes every minute of this service from his wife, will insist his wife to stay with their in-laws,why man? is wife even allowed to expect the same from you?

the guys who choose to live away from their parents for career or studies, no body specially wives have never forced them to choose that lifestyle.all of a sudden if he thinks he has responsibilities to stay with his parents and feel bad about that, let me tell you ,a girl feels the same way for his parents,but she can not impose her whims to stay with her own parents on DH.sometime no financial independence, enduring some old people just because their are hubbies parents,ready to offer free service 24X7, giving birth to child and taking care of everyone in the family and icing on the cake is restricted and conditional vacation to home that comes with lots of tension, anxiety and cries, and those who are working, sharing or sacrificing the entire paycheck to dh and his family sometimes apart from all the so called "duties". win-win situation for whom , huh?
so you better back off and stop you bull** because currently you are sounding like an insensitive drag.

 

hey Tridev, you have already answered your question in your own post.if it is about going back for the sake of parents,you all MCPs are automatically thinking that you will be living with your parents and wifes family comes nowhere in the picture.The son and dil are expexted to live with in-laws, cope up with all the differnces in opinion and lifestyle, what kinna of a sacrifice a guy is making here, huh?
and those who are living abroad, a major portion of the wives are not working for various reasons,so they are like glorified cookig and household maids cum babysitters serving sorry "taking care" throughout the year , some of whom are rendering this free service in exchange of big dowries.but when it comes to vacation,the guy who cherishes every minute is this service from his wife, will insist his wife to stay with their in-laws,why man? is wife even allowed to expect the same from you?

the guys who choose to live away from their parents for career or studies, no body specially wives have never forced them to choose that lifestyle.all of a sudden if he thinks he has responsibilities to stay with his parents and feel bad about that, let me tell you ,a girl feels the same way for his parents,but she can not impose her whimps to stay with her own parents on DH.sometime no financial independece, enduring some old people just because their are hubbies parents,ready to offer free service 24X7, giving birth to child and taking care of everyone in the family and icing on the cake is restricted and conditional vacation to home that comes with lots of tension, anxiety and cries, and those who are working, shareing or sacrifiing the entire paycheck to dh and his family sometimes apart from all the so called "duties". win-win situation for whom , huh?
so you beter back off and stop you bull** because currently you are sounding like an insensitive drag.

 

Anjalika

You are all over places in your post... bringing every facet of feminism.

Sorry , my intention was not to hijack this topic, apologies if I hurt feelings....

 

One cannot expect the same kind of attachment to both parents and in-laws, be it husband or wife. Not many husbands have the same reverence for the wife's parents as they do for their own parents. And so too for the wife - she will definitely love her parents more than she loves her in-laws.

If the husband wants to return to India, the foremost thought is to be there for his parents, not for his wife's parents. And that is natural.

Why it is the cause of so much turmoil is simple - the husband won't stay at home to look after his parents. It is the wife who is expected to do that. Similarly, if the wife wants to be near her parents, she will be the care-giver, not her husband.

The day husbands are ready to take up work-from-home jobs to look after their parents, this issue will cease to exist.

 

Tara, you have good thoughts, keep it up...

I have a question, lets say you want to go to India or lets say a group of women want to go for ageing parents, but the DH says no, for career or whatever reason, whatever you try, he says no, what will you do?

in case of men i have seen, generally wives would not gel well with Mil, I am not talking of inlaws, just MIL, lets say someone has aged mother and wants to to go India, but knowing that wife will never gel no matter what, so in that case what is the option? should one leave the mother alone....living somewhere on her own, and the son just being a visitor or care taker......how do men manage such wives?