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I cried today!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Tara09, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Dad emailed me some recent photos of his and mom's. I was happy to see but at the same time felt very sad too. Looking at the pictures brought back childhood memories and I realized how old they are looking now. Life has taken an extreme toll on them. They suddenly looked so tired and worn out to me.
    I cried inconsolably. We are 3 children, all staying here in US,thousands of miles away from them. They are both in their 70s and live alone. They have a maid to help them with the domestic work. Mom still cooks, cleans to this day.
    I feel happy in a way that their health is good....touchwood! But am sad they still have to do all that work and live alone. They have no one in this world except they both to each other. We children are of no use to them....we live so far and cannot attend to their needs immediately.

    I don't know what to say! My heart feels heavy!


    Tara
     
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  2. advitha

    advitha Silver IL'ite

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    Tara don't worry dear, life goes on. I have been sailing in that boat for years now, sometimes I have gotten angry at myself for being selfish but its the life I have chosen. My gap is filled by my brother and cousins there, still I have cried for no reason at times because of the vacuum I felt.

    I guess you need a good vacation with your parents now :) (that's the excuse I give every year for 5-6 weeks stay in India)

    -Uma
     
  3. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel the same everyday. what to do. Years have gone thinking the same. I havent lived without my mom or dad even for single day even If I go to my grandmas house I will return home the same day. And I'm their only daughter. I think people who once come to US or any other foreign country becomes so selfish........
     
  4. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    I know how it feels.

    You said you are 3 siblings. So everyone can have a vacation once a year and at different times. That is one way to see that they will be lonely for a little less time.
     
  5. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    you know what
    i am the only kid for my parents
    and when i got married even though we stayed in same place due to my mil and other issues hardly used to go my home to meet them up
    just before 2 days of my dads death (he just got 1st heart stroke before ) he said my mom "see in the world we two are left no one will come till end let it be kids or anyone else" dono what made him say this but after 2 days worst thing happened and we lost him

    i guess as long as we are alive we should be grateful to parents and do everything we can to make them happy and live peacefully
     
  6. Mindian

    Mindian IL Hall of Fame

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    hi tara,

    i know exactly how you feel..believe me we all go though this.however involved we are with our families we cannot help thinking about our parents..in fact lucky that you are three siblings..yes ,it makes sense that you take your vacations at different times so that one of you is there with them,if they are healthy to travel they can also visit all the three of you in rotation. take care ,all the best
     
  7. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Thanks all for posting here and cheering me up. I felt really down yesterday though I feel little better today.

    Uma, I go to India almost every year even if it is only for 3 weeks. I still feel that vacuum. Like you I also feel so angry at myself for being too ambitious in life. I remember my ex-colleague 12 yrs back, turned down any job offer or marriage alliance that was from US saying that will later be the very reason for her sorrow. Now, I realize how correct and wise she was. Infact, what has she lost....practically nothing! She has her family, her job, house , kids everything and bonus on top of that is living close to parents.
    I was all the time looking only from MY career point of view and now after I have achieved all what I wanted, I feel I have really lost the most precious moments in life......being nearer to my Parents. I would not have regretted if it was my circumstances that put me in this situation, what pains me more is it was my CHOICE.


    Agree 100%

    All of us have kids so we cannot go anytime in the year as we usually go with kids. Summer is the time we go and since I am working I go for 3-4 weeks maximum.

    Lavii, My heart goes out to you, dear. Your story is very saddening but hey! don't give into your MIL issues anymore. Give a damn to all her pranks and live life the way you wish to. Cheer up!

    My parents were here one time but you see now they are in their 70s and we cannot take any chance by asking them to come over. This travel is so tiring for them.
     
  8. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Tara,

    I can understand your pain. But it's the choices we make in life, no? We are not forced to do either this or not. We CHOOSE. Personally, I don't believe in "Why me?", "What can I do", "I have no control over my life". If you put your heart and mind to it, impossible is just a word.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. anjalika400

    anjalika400 Junior IL'ite

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    I feel the same way Tara.sometime I feel like I am being selfish to live so far away from them for the sake of our own happiness and comfort.My world kinna revolves around my new life where my parents and new relations cannot coexist, not just because of physical distance,also because of formalities and egoistic attitude of one side.I don't get a chance to see my parents every year, may be once in 3 years or so and evey night I go to bed , I cry silently thinking about how I am getting used to living without them and concentrating on my own life.
    I can never get over the feeling of guilt and unhappiness ,neither can I forgive myself for my decision but still I am not prepared to change my current life style the way it is..
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Most of the women seems worried about their ageing parents, but when it comes to go back to india , one main reason to not go is to avoid inlaws completely, who are old too, who need their son and grandkids too, if inlaws die, many women will want to go back and drag their husbands to India, there again one becomes super selfish.

    In Indian community I have seen, read, that even if Dh mother is living alone in 70's, the wife still says, she cannot adjust..she will not want her DH to go to India, but want welfare of her parents. the same wife will one day become MIL and the DIL will say , I cannot adjust with the MIL.

    I have a close friend who does not want her DH to go back to India, she worries, his relatives, parents will become too close, she does not want to live with them, i asked her, is there any problem and you are saying you do not want to live with them or you just dont want to live with them and deprive your dh too , she said no there is no problem , I just dont want to live with them in same house.. her DH and she fights often and no one wins, or can I say the woman wins as they continue living in US....

    What a drag......no offence to ladies. The entire situation sucks..
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010

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