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I blasted my heart out to my cunning MIL after 6.5 years.Now what?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Version3NR, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. Version3NR

    Version3NR New IL'ite

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    Hi Girls,

    I am a girl who got married to a great guy.I know for sure that he one of the rare guys that anyone may find.It is 6.5 years since we are married.I have a wonderful loving daughter.I love my husband a lot.But things turned around when my MIL started creating problems for me just after 2 days after marriage.We had terrible fights because both of us cudnt do anything about the strategies my MIL used.I was frustrated and used to cry and he was getting affected about it obviously .And then,I knew I was in trouble.I fought a hard battle silently by trying everything nice which was stupid of me.I was just 22 when I got married and had my innocense that my MIL played on very well on me.

    She taunted me on these aspects :-

    - Not giving dowry (though my hubby is against dowry,and I too am)
    - Repeatedly referring to ex-proposals that came to my hubby apparently from rich families,trying to convince that I was a bad match for him
    -money,money,money comparisons to other daughter-in-laws of other families

    - My hair:I have had alopecia 15 yrs befoere marriage(i had a patch behind my head during marriage).My husband new it b4 marriage,and MIL had physically checked my head b4 marriage because I insisted(though he wasnt bothered to see,coz he said it wudnt matter to him).We had an arranged marriage.I am good looking( sorry i dont mean to boast..),have good features,but 2 years after marriage i lost all my hair(my eyebrows,eyelashes too) and my hubby still loved me..He gave me support.But my MIL used my sadness to her advantage and started instilling inferiority complex in me.It is 4 years now since I lost my eyebrows and eyelashes(got my hair back though),but I now know how to look fashionable withkajal,and carry myslef well.But when I was with her,I remeber I used to hate to look at the mirror because she hurt me a lot.She used to ask me to change my jawline etc,and I foolishly used to start thinking I was ugly.I am a muslim.So,covering my head was not an issue with me,but she had an issue because she felt that it was embarassing to act "religious" in front of her friends who considered her broad minded..

    - Separating my husband from my family : she has tried every trick on the book to make my hubby hate my family..But I am happy my hubby realized her antics after I told him.

    - She calls so many times and wants to knw whatever happens in the house,what we eat also..

    - She wants all of her family to stick to her and only her all the time .She has 3 children and she literally imposes our future plans also to stay with her.We used to stay there till 4 years of our marriage(After which I walked out of the house fed up of her crap),but she is now brainwashing my hubby back to staying together.I just get freaked out at that thought,because there wasn't a dayt hat I used to not cry in the house in my room..She used to hurt me a lot..and I was used like a servant there.When I used to handle the house,cooking etc after 3 hrs of travel to and from home to office ,even then not even one person used to help me in the kitchen..My health had gone haywire.Only when I got pregnant,and I wud vomit,I pulled in a cook to the house for the 9 months :)

    - Jealousy : I have a good career.I get awards and recognition.But my MIL just says its a fluke and praises my hubby as if I am competing with him. ahve no issue that she praises,but the way she uses it as a competion,that feels me feel yuk.Its been quite a while that now I dont let my hubby inform my career accomplishments when I started noticing it get sick.
    Funny part is after I realized that she was playing around with my hair ,and was trying to make me feel inferior, I woke up and started taking care of myslef and started dressing up well etc,that ppl tell her that I am very beautiful(LOL).U shud have seen that expression on her face whenver it happened so.She used to go and tell my husband (and in front of me also)that "apparently" her family was mocking why he got her married to me inspite of the fact that I had hair prob and was not a millionaire's daughter(we are rich though but not filthy rich)..but never did she go and tell that ladies complemented her daughter-in-law for her looks(that too me having worn the scarf on the head ..cough ,cough "stylishly").

    - Very Egoistic : She hates it when I say I want to visit my family.I love my family,and she doesnt understand that I need my family as much as my hubby needs his.She and FIL always raised eyebrows and taunted my family whenever I said I want to go..She wants us always under her feet..Now she has started convincing my daughter not to come with me when I go to my relatives house
    ...............and more!

    All said..all these taunts has always been behind the doors whenver my hubby wasn't around.She is that smart that she used to not leave a proof for me,because in front of the world she calls me "diamond" "baby" etc etc..(gosh!)..I get so irritated because whenver i complained to my hubby that i was hurt,I wonder if he believed me 'coz she acted so nice in front.He used to just keep quiet.And he said I need to give back myself.

    My hubby is a very goody-goody kind of guy who just cant say "no" to my MIL.My MIL had done something very bad in front and hence I got a chance to get out of house,else I dont think he wudve moved out at all.He is someone who cant be stern and talks like a baby to her coz she literally babies him.She knows for sure her personality : her impulsive lying and acting skills, but he just can't tell her that she is wrong.

    So far these 6.5 years,I cried and cried,I never really told my heart out to her taunts other than trying to commit suicide (which is the dumbest thing i did - thank god i didnt die,i wud have died as an idiot)..and moving out of the house fuming...I used to fight with my hubby coz I was frustrated always trying to convince him to speak for me coz I had no courage myself coz she never kept proof..And I had started obsessively started thinking of the thougts of the past...I have been on depresion tablets for a year after I moved out of the house.Its 2 years since I quit the tablets because I knew that the tablets are not going to do any differnce unless I take action.I have been on counselling too(I decided to myself)

    I did make changes - I started acting stern,assertive,and avoided her in lonely places.I was normal as before otherwise.I praised her a lot,...I tried evthg.

    Now :

    Well,its long since she caught me in a lonely place for long to eat my head,coz even when my hubby and daughter go there during the weekends ,I dont go(since 6 months now) coz I have started attending PG classes(LOL)..And last week my MIL actually blurted out first time somthing against a dear aunt of mine just because she had invited us on Eid(hubby ,me and daughter) to the house(for a get togehter since my grand ma had passed away 15 days back) and MIL advised hubby that it "senseless" to go to "another" person's house on Eid.Please note: She knows that I find my aunt like a mother and love her a lot.We had spent the previous night and stayed till 12 pm the next day on Eid(in my MIL house),and even then wasn't satisfied.....and she just went on and on IN FRONT of my hubby(not behind the doors that she noramlly does)...I htought this is it: and used the opportunity because I know I will never get this again in front of hubby,and blasted at her right in front of everybody..I left the house(and this time didnt fall for her crap),and even if hubby wanted to come with me,I aksed him to stay with them....I went oout and told my hubby that I dont regret what I did because I had to open one day.He appreciated my effort(shocking, I know!)..and went back after I told him to....

    He he..I slept a good sleep that night and woke up fresh like never before.I told my hubby that I actually want to compelte whatever I had never answered back to her.I wrote down the points - he told me to avoid bad words,and I called and blasted at her again telling that I dont regret what I did the previosu day and that I had enuf of her acting and killing me behind the doors.She didnt say a word.She knew my hubby was around.I told her that my hubby loves me and that she better not play around making me feel guilty anymore.I even told me that before marriage he wrote me a personal poem,which he wudnt if he didnt like me.I told her to let us live a normal life and told her all the answers that I held back all these years especially her doubt on if my hubby loves me inspite of my hair issues..I told her to stop remote controlling our life.........


    NOW?What do I do?Considering that -

    1)My hubby is a pussy cat in front of my MIL.He CANT do anything,and I now know I have to accept the FACT.She just acts ill in front of her and he just falls for it.When I say we cud go to the doc,she rejects(LOL).
    2)My MIL is so cunning that she can do anything to convince her son against me...
    3)My MIL knws 34 Years of my hubby's personality and knws his weakness perhaps better than me and make a fool out of him?

    what should my strategy be to be careful? I know this much -

    1)I definitely cant play withe her like her cunning stuff : because I know it takes time to think that way...And I cant be cheap to myslef.
    2)My hubby will not be able to do anything
    3)I will not snatch my hubby from my in-laws(after all it is his parents)

    So please tell me a straight ,non cunning way to deal with her now that she knows that she is shouted at(and I knw it has hit her ego a lot),and that I will not take it anymore?Do I need to be careful on any aspects?to be prepared?
    Pleeeease help!!!

    Thanks a lot!
     
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  2. sushmavja

    sushmavja Platinum IL'ite

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    dear version i really cant suggest you anything here but am rofl at your post.lets wait for what other ilites have to say
     
  3. bramvi

    bramvi Silver IL'ite

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    Your hubby is a very very clever guy.
    I can say that much.
    He lets/helps his wife prepare pointers to blast his mom and at the same time backs up with Mom given a chance and ofcourse the wife knows/accepts it!! simply WOW
    Well, You have given back to your MIL that you have been holding back all these years.
    You seem to be quite a bold/ smart woman who can wait for years to pounce at the right time! You were able to pull your husband and walk out of the joint family when a chance presented .What else is there?.I am pretty sure you will take good care of yourselves and your family eventually.
    More than any of us suggesting things, follow your heart, just like you've been doing so far!
    Good Luck
     
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  4. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    i simply love the fact that you even jotted down the points and called her up and blasted again...ha ha ha...well..you have done your part..now just be relaxed,calm and enjoy your life...all ur pent up frustration is done...ur MIL wont do anything now..as she knows that she will be blasted at again if she does it..so if she wants to save her self respect then she will just remain silent now...you are already living a separate life...and now you have vented yor frustrations out too...so just enjoy life now and stop being in the past...live your present and look forward for the future.
     
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  5. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey,
    Lucky you that you got a chance to blast at your MIL.
    Even after 14yrs, I never got a chance to blast her.
    Still boiling inside.
    Sometimes only in my dreams I blast her and hit her too.:-(
     
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  6. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    you--like a child
    his mom--cunning
    him--a good manager,he dosent want to do anything but fool you both by supporting both sides....
    Well do what ever floats on your boat but you are naive of the politics played by the other two...you still are. BUT if he takes care of you and loves you what more can you ask for?
     
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  7. Version3NR

    Version3NR New IL'ite

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    Hi Sushmavja,
    I know it sounds weird, but am actually tensed.Because she always a new strategy..I know my hubby can't do anything..And she can't change..So, I am just keeping faith in God and moving forward :)..Just need your help on what I need to do next?
    Thanks!
     
  8. Version3NR

    Version3NR New IL'ite

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    Thanks bramvi for the encouraging words...I know ,sometimes I have a doubt if my hubby is playing that way :(.But the best way to live my married life is to have faith in him I guess. :(

    poojachinoy,
    yeah I rehearsed that coz I didn't want my hubby to fight with me later on why I "behaved" like that.Did that based on my experience.Only after he was ok,I did that..In the initial years,When she used to give bad remarks,I used to start having an instant change in my face expression that apparently looked bad and he used to ask me to stop that(though i used to not answere back)..Ofcourse later onwards I learnt to act to her as if I wasnt listening and my expression used to b blank...But everytime initially after the fumed face expression,I used to walk away in anger, she used to end up saying "ohhhhh...my dearrrr..I was just joikng...u r soooo sensitive"..and he used to ask why I "behaved" that way.I used to end up being the joker.So,nowadays I give him a warning that I will do xyz and then I do it.So tht he doesnt ask "why" later.
    puni88,
    he he he..same pinch.I too used to get dreams of hitting and punching her.LOL...And when I blasted,it really felt good.I felt as if there is some space going blank in my brain.LOL.U shud try it out..
    heron,
    Yep u are right.He is definitely a good manager..But I am happy that first time he said that he liked what "aggressiveness" I showed though he always preaches "assertiveness"...While I sat there and gave back,he gave me a hug,he had tears in his eyes and siad that I shudve done this long time back..I guess I have accepted the fact he cant do anything.She is good at making him sad by emotionally black mailing him(which i just cant.I knw its easy to do that to solve my prob.But I dont want to put him in some tension that way.),so I have tried evthg to overcome all my issues.I've actually attended classes on Assertiveness,Stress management ,Emotional Intelligence and what not!he he he..So,now I hope there is someone who can tell me what to do in a "even more cunning" situation that I am sure she will come with....Oh by the way,I will give you a one line description of her smartness : "She is just a 7th standard pass out,doesnt know english,and she is the mahila samaj president..so thats what i say confidence and smartness." please note her smartness level.It is difficult.She has actually lied to ppl in her mahila samaj that she has studied till 12th. :)..and shez super at speaking.simply super!
     
  9. anjananathan

    anjananathan Platinum IL'ite

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    Ignore,Ignore & Ignore.. just bcos u blasted her, it does not mean she will realize her mistakes and bcom good.. she is gonna make new strategies to make u feel low..

    just ignore her.. if she starts something new, just move away from that place citing some reason..when u go to thier home, be busy in something else..even in phone, just 2 words and ignore her.. u have a daughter and sure u will be busy .. if she is in school, tell u r busy with school work and avoid her..

    u have vented out ur anger by blasting.. going forward, don't look for oppurtunity and do that again and again just bcos she spoilled ur 6.5 years of married life.. bcos that in turn is gonna affect you only..
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2011
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  10. Happy2be

    Happy2be Gold IL'ite

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    Dear... mmm... I am really thinkin what to write to you...to some extent I too am in the same boat..to some extent. I haven't really taken issues at my place very seriously bcos from day 1 I too knew my hubby loved me just as confidently as you say about yours :) But yes, I also had those dovy dovy blows from MIL like - my son n DD are so good looking...be it any dress..it becomes wonderful when they wear it....LOOKS!! they are so well mannered...never backanswer me..I have brought them up so well - DH knows its useless to backanswer as she is very stubborn and SIL is a purely Mum's girl....comparison of cooking skills of me and SIL - she was married after us and till then she knew just about basic daily foods..I made her learn to cook some snacks and different items..she is now a housewife with a MIL who is a perfect cook with variety in her hand, so she had to learn and yes now she cooks variety, I wont say much better tastewise than me but yes much more variety..I am working and have taken complete responsibility alongwith DH...she is a proper housewife and would hardly ever backanser her in laws ( they live in different cities and me and In laws live together )....etc etc
    There have been many such small issues but repeatedly almost daily since my marriage. I have been mentioning some out of frustration in my other posts ;-) but DH has been supportive to me and same as your case he would never speak for me in front of MIL..... when I discuss he admits she is wrong but himself is sweet and normal to her....BUT then, with this fact, I personally feel confortable. I feel at least he trusts me and inspite of MIL complaining to him whnever gets a chance in my absence, he understands, clears at times with me and touchwood by now has more faith in me inspite of all tactics...so I feel this keeps me safe from feeling guilty within - had he spoken for me...and had to hear taunts and bad stuff about himself from MIL...or about me on my face from her....it might have brought disrespect to me in his eyes...after all she's his mom...its natural that he will always have that touch and corner in his heart for him and I respect him for that bcos its so inspite of many visible tactics of hers. Had he spoken once for me, she would have reminded him of that intance now and then making him feel guilty and bad within and that could have disturbed our personal relation too. I would say , yes yours and mine, dhs are clever enough to mentally support and balance both women in their lives as for them both are equally important. We should be happy that they listen to us, trust us and guide us and support us when we stand for ourselves and do not ask us to keep quiet and ignore all the time!!

    Hugs to you.
     
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