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I Am Very Very Disappointed In My Mom Now...

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by beautifullife30, Mar 27, 2023.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok, i have a new issue. I am 34 years now with two sons. And i am pregnant and currently in my 6th month. This pregnancy was a sudden unplanned one but we took it in stride and we as in my husband, kids and I are very happy about it.

    Unfortunately unlike the other times earlier times, i am weak and i feel dizzy a lot due to low BP. And i cant stand or sit for a long time else i feel a pain in my underbelly. Also, i have trouble sleeping in the nights some nights. And when i face sleepless nights, i just cant function the next morning normally and everything is super painful or heavy for me. as in walking also is a strain or sitting is a strain on those days. I have told my mom about it and basically my entire family knows this including my kids. Those who are new, my mom stays with me since i dont have a dad and my sister is not in a position to take care of her. So my husband and I have been taking care of my mom since the last 10 years.

    The issue is that, Saturday night, i didn't sleep until 4 in the morning. And i woke up early yesterday ie Sunday to order vegetables the first thing at around 8 and thereafter i tried to do my morning stuff but felt very tired and weak and i told the same to my mom. She said she will make me breakfast soon since she didnt plan on cleaning or dusting anything. I said ok and i lied down coz my mom usually has this habit of cooking only after bathing so i lied down to give her time and space to take a bath.

    Now after lying for half hour, and feeling dizzy i woke up and asked her mom, are you cooking anything? She said no, she is just cleaning still. I told her again this time, mom i am very hungry, i can go and brush but since you have to cook, i want you to take bath and cook for me and i am very tired and sleepy but i guess the baby is hungry since i can feel it kicking. She said ok. But after 15 mins, she still didnt go for bathing.

    I got angry and upset. I told her 'dont bother cooking now, i am ordering food since i am very hungry' and it came out in an angry manner. While ordering i ordered for everyone including my husband, kids and mom since anyway if i am getting, i did rather get it for everyone.

    While she was bathing, the food arrived and i waited for my mom to come out of the bathroom to brush my teeth and then took a plate for eating. She meanwhile got a rawa packet to cook upma. I told her, why are you cooking now, i already ordered for everyone.

    She started hyperventilating and crying saying that 'am i maid for you and your family to command me to cook food like this and then i dont do it on time, to order outside? You are just like your father who told the same thing to workers earlier (when he was alive and this probably happened 20 years ago, since i was not staying with them, i dont know about this). Anyway, i couldnt really see her crying like that and upset so i apologized and hugged her and told her you have to understand mom that i am expecting. If you had told me i want to clean, i would have ordered earlier. I dont have a problem you not cooking, my problem is my baby is hungry and i if i dont eat, i fall dizzy."

    But after i spoke, she answered back saying 'all this because you have an arrogance that you are earning and i am just living on your mercy'. In my life, if there is one thing, i dont do or tolerate if anyone else is doing also, it is showing arrogance coz they am earning. I mean job, money are in my view temporary. They can be there today and gone tomorrow. They are god's grace and blessing in my opinion.

    When she spoke this, my heart broke. I have sacrified a lot for my mom throughout my 34 years of life.
    -> I stayed away from my parents to study.
    -> When my uncle misbehaved, i begged and pleaded my mom to come and take me back home but she refused,
    -> when i married according to my wish, she spoke a lot and lot of rude stuff but i let it go
    -> Inspite of all that rudeness, i refused to let her stay with anyone else coz i was scared for her that she would be ill treated so i took care of her and my sister
    -> Spent for my sister's education myself to help her study
    -> Finally when my sister's marriage was settled, my mom wanted to sell my jewellery and make a bigger ornament for my sister since 'i dont wear any of my gold jewellery' and it was lying waste in my house
    -> After sister's son was born, she spoke to me in such a rude way saying that my paternal grandmother always hated me so her earrings which were at home should technically belong to my sister since my sister was loved by my paternal grandmother so she was going to melt that earring and make gold bangles or earrings for my sister's son. She could have just tol dme that she wanted to use grandmom's earrnings for making gold bangles for my sister's son and i absolutely never had a problem at all.
    -> She ill treats my elder son coz he is darker in appearance and keeps instigating fights between my kids
    -> When my sister's son beats the hell out of my sons, she keeps quite and silent then without saying anything

    And the list goes on and on.....

    The point is i have never claimed for anything anything at all what is my mothers till now. I dont care if my sister takes it or i take it. But as a daughter, all i expected was a little happiness for being with me. Since childhood till ten years ago, i placed my mom above my dad and always wished i stayed with her. and when it finally happened, i was so elated that i was staying with my mom that i just ignored, or cried but let go of all the hurt which was thrown at me.

    And when something happened to my kids, i always made time to speak to her and explain her why she is wrong and how she should behave and i tell her and explain her calmly for days and days to help her understand

    But yesterday, something broke in me. I mean, arrogance because i was earning? And treating her like a maid? You know when my husband and i go for shopping, my husband picks up a saree for her to buy and i pick a saree of my choice. We buy two sarees for her when we go out. Just last week she said she wanted to eat sweets and i ordered so much sweets for her. When my husband and I go to a restaurant and we really like it, the first thing i tell him is, mom would love this place, we should bring her and kids also. In addition, i have put my broken jewellery and got her a gold chain of her choice. And when i actually apoint maids in my house for washing vessels and sweaping and mopping, she yells at them and scares them away. Till date, no maid has stayed for more than a month and she hates having maids. So i just let her feel comfortable whichever way she liked. I accommodated her in her every wish.

    And for all the love i showered, the remark i got was arrogance for earning and treating her like a maid coz i asked for food since i was expecting?

    All my life, i have never asked for a single thing from her. The only thing i asked her was when i got to know i was expecting, my baby loves my mom's food. I salivate when i see her cooked food and i asked her to cook for me this pregnancy coz last two times, she was not there with me due the love marriage debacle.

    And for that she is saying, its the way i spoke rudely to her. I accept maybe, it might have come off as rude or i dont know whatever she felt. But i was hungry, dizzy, tired and expecting. Was it too much to expect this from her?

    This morning, i had decided to do my tasks myself and started mixing milk and making breakfast, now she again has a problem. She is yelling at me saying you are not my daughter get lost from my sight. I lost my cool, i told her you have never in your life been a good mom to me so you get away. She then started saying all sorts to things but this time i guess i had it enough, i told her yes, this is my house, so yes i am arrogant and rude for you and she went crying and complaining to my husband and wanted to book tickets to stay with my grandmother and i said fine. Book her tickets.

    The point is maybe i could have adjusted, maybe i could have just let it go but i felt i was stretched too tightly. I just cant take anything anymore.

    I am no longer angry or upset just very very disappointed. And honestly i am too emotional at the moment to even talk to her. If she wants to go and live with someone else, fine with me. I longer have that thing in me to protect her and cherish her and take care of her.

    Maybe i am wrong maybe i acted too harshly but i am a human too and i need some space and time for myself and my baby at the moment.
     
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  2. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear beautifullife30, please take a deep breath and please realize that it's mostly hormones at play in your case.

    Moreover, during your previous 2 pregnancies, you were (obviously) younger. The responsibilities were lesser than now (first pregnancy- no kids to care for/ 2nd pregnancy- 1 kid to care for/ 3rd pregnancy- 2 kids plus aging mother to look after) You are bound to feel more tired, weak and sensitive.

    When I started replying to your post, my thoughts weren't aligned. However, this 1 sentence in your post made me realize that you are an angel to let go- even when she did not respond appropriately when you made that SOS call to her several years ago. You only need someone to show you a mirror. :)
    I suggest you stay calm. Talk to her and others in the house nicely. Or don't say anything at all when you are feeling emotional/ angry.

    On your side, I understand that you have only given, given and given and on her side, it could be her insecurity at work. She may be feeling insecure because of the new baby on the way (elderly people do compete with their little grandchildren for the attention from their own children). Also, to give her the benefit of doubt this one time, she may not have been in the right frame of health/ right frame of mind when she did/ said that to you yesterday.

    You have listed all her weak points- You have been aware of all these weak points all through out and still you have not only given her a respectable place in your house but in your heart as well. Why are you thinking otherwise now? Don't push her away from you-physically or emotionally. I think you will not be comfortable without her.

    Your mother is biased towards your younger one because of the skin complexion. She is biased towards your sister's child may be because she doesn't get to meet that child as often as she sees your kids. Please accept this, however hard it may be for you. Most people of her generation are like that. They play favorites. You can't change their mindset however hard you try. Also, they seem to lose control over their tongues and blurt out most unfiltered unnecessary unpleasant things. You continue to work on your good karma. The universe will pay you back manifold for your good karma. Been there done that. :)

    Lastly, you are the role model to your kids and they are observing you all the time. How you handle situations, people, etc will make a lasting impression on their receptive minds. So please don't do/ say anything that you may regret later.
     
  3. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @beautifullife30, I chanced on your other post where you have mentioned that you had a good talk with your spouse and are feeling better now. I am happy to know that. :)

    I don't want to upset your peace of mind in anyway so if you think that any (all) of the points I made above are not up to your consideration then please ignore it all.
    Stay blessed. Stay happy. :)
     
  4. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi @nayidulhan

    Thanks for taking your time to read and comment on my post. I was and am very upset but its ok.

    As always, i had a talk with my husband today morning and he said only one thing. Things are bound to go more awry from here on and the only thing i am going to and decided to do is answer calmly if it is a question, listen to the other person no matter who talks (be it mom or any relatives on her behalf) and let whatever nonsense they throw at me away and if it comes to the point where she wants to leave somewhere, LET HER GO. And i am strictly following the calm part. No matter what she tells me i am just not responding to her or just keep mum.

    Why do you think i am the only person who always has to adjust? I am as such expecting and everything and you would think that a mom might be considerate of it right but no. Anyone says something to her, she has to put it on my head and i am the usual scapegoat for her to sort things. Thi sis the not the first time this has happened about breakfast. There were days earlier when i asked ot cook early for me days when i was not asleep and she would make a face or grumble about it and she hates it if i cook. So to prove her point, she will cook early the next day when i apparently sleep till 8.30AM and at 9 AM just when i wake up, she will rub it on my face saying, i have cooked early today did you eat? I let t all go, all. But i dont know this time, i am just tired mentally dealing with all the things i am as such dealing.

    She is no longer there for me in my mind. Forget about physically. Actually i have been thinking the same myself. Why did i do this or react like this now? You know, all my life, if you ask my husband you will know how much i at times sacrificed being with my children also to accomodate her. I put my husband's needs second and chose to put her needs first. I did it all the while without thinking of how my husband would feel, how my kids would feel. But for once, she could not do it for me. Forget about doing it, trying to equate what i said to what my dad did is just a grossly wrong thing to do IMO.

    I accept her mind's a mess. She hates a lot of things my dad said or did and my grandmom said or did. She now sees my aunts and other people giving it back to people whoever does or says things and now she wants to take revenge for all that. She keeps tlaking about the injustices she faced again and again and again every night. I still listen and keep calming her every night until day before yesterday. So just coz you are upset with someone doesnt make it right to push all that on me and vent it out on me according to me.

    As i said, i have let it all go.

    When i talk to her, i ensure my kids are not around. Even for a joke or say a normal way, i dont want my kids to know what she did. After all she is their grandmom not mom. she might be a crappy mom to me but thats just me and my mom's relation. I dont want it to affect her other relations. I never discuss her with anyone in this world other than my husband coz as i said, she feels alone and i know that so i never would dare to alienate her with other relations around. If she paints a negative picture of me so be it. I never bothered about it and still don't.

    For the first time in my life, i feel good for having stood up and spoken back. I dont know why but i feel a long time, i jsut kept all the hurt to myself. Telling my mom that yes, i am the person who you think i am in your mind. So its up to you to be here to if you want to leave leave was in a way for me personally relieving.

    Yes, i still need a mom. Who doesnt? But i dont need a mom who keeps painting a false picture of myself to me just to make herself feel victimized and paint a sorry picture about herself and feel good.
     
  5. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @beautifullife30, after reading your reply, I now understand your feelings completely. I have experienced something similar very often.

    Most people who you are easily accessible to, who you are always emotionally (and physically) available to, take you for granted. They forget gratitude... even sideline love... and somehow convince themselves that since you are so so unbelievably unnaturally good to them, it only means that not they but you are dependent on them. By the time they realize their mistake, they have already scarred your mind and at times even caused irreversible damage.

    Nonetheless, I hope things return to normal between the two of you ASAP because it's easier to maintain a cordial relationship or even a relationship at a polite distance but a cold or bitter relationship takes up a lot of mind space and adds to avoidable stress. @Rihana had mentioned the same thing to me while replying to one of my posts on a very competitive friend of mine. I was convinced and I immediately doused whatever flame was burning. I now maintain a respectful distance but am still accessible to her.
     
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  6. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Gold IL'ite

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    Congratulations for your pregnancy dear! Reading your post, I really think you need a peaceful break from all you have gone through. I would say leave all this drama behind and focus on yourself, kids and husband.
    She was staying with you for so long and I think she was taking you for granted. And no expecting some food from your own mom, while you are pregnant is not asking for too much. Especially you hugged, apologized to her and ordered food for everyone. What else you could have done?
    I am sure time will heal everything and love will come back, but for now both of you need a break. Try not to stress and remind yourself that your mom definitely loves you but she badly needs a break to get things in perspective. Being away from you for sometime can help her realize your value. Things will get better dear, please don’t stress! My best wishes for a happy, healthy pregnancy and safe delivery.
     
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  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Congratulations on your pregnancy!
    It looks like your mom has become used to all the care you are lavishing on her and is taking you for granted. You have to let go of the image of the mother you want her to be and accept the mother that you have.
    After all these years it is difficult to expect her to change. The only thing you can change is how you react to her. It is sad that she could not make you a simple breakfast when you were yearning for it but it is what it is.
    If she wants to go stay elsewhere let her go. And if the cooking issue is becoming stressful for you then hire a cook or book a tiffin service at least through the rest of your pregnancy and until you are back on your feet. It is not worth spoiling your mood for these things. If your mom keeps a long face then just let her. Explain to the helpers and pay them extra if necessary so they will stay.
    The only thing you should firmly put your foot down for is if she openly discriminates between your children. That is very toxic and you should call her out every time.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear!
    Congratulations on your pregnancy!

    When i read your post, i felt like revisiting most of the incidents you mention above.
    Off late, i realized the fact that, it is not about your MIL or mom... It is about balancing relationship between two adults.

    First of all, blame your hormones. Your problems and the problem creater ( mom) remains the same. But how you react to the problem is now different. Bcz, it is your hormone that is making things difficult for you.
    Also blame your age factor, the associated health issues and everything this late (not really!) pregnancy throws at you.

    And then, blame your mother's age. Being a dependent at her DD's home is not easy. It is not yet socially accepted in our society, so obviously mother's never feel too comfortable at their DD's homes just like they feel at their son's.
    No matter how you sacrifice and take good care of her, at the end of the day it is her insecurity that kicks in and make her behave like this.

    I am sure, like you.. Your mom would be also feeling miserable right now. She must be realizing her mistakes. But her ego, the status as the elder at home...and being your mother makes it difficult to say sorry. Our elders are not wired that way unfortunately!

    So, dont panic. Dont be guilty... Dont think too much.

    My mom & i used have issues every now and then. During each time, i try my best to be the bigger person and adjust with her. But, after my Hysterectomy surgery last year ( i was 40 then) i lost it all my cool.
    Fought badly with her over a trivial thing, but all the disappointment and bitterness came out in the fight, which put mom in bad light. I asked her to go if she really thinks she is not happy with me.

    To safeguard herself, she complained as if i was using her as a nanny to continue my career, but being ungrateful about it.

    When she spilled it out, some people took advantage of this on their favour and made it seem all my sacrifices are mere selfishness. It was just to cover their assess, so no one will blame them for not keeping mom with them.
    But others realized how unfair it is to judge my love & selflessness towards mom, so stood by my side.

    After everything being said & done, mom realized it is practically impossible to stay with anyone else, and the sweet talkers are not really sweet talkers the moment she packs her bags to be with them.
    This made her realize that, her home is no where else but ours.

    We still fight, but I've learned to control my tongue and let go of her blabbering. I just no longer pay serious attention to what she says or does.
    She too, comes back to normalcy sooner than later these days. And most importantly never discusses with outsiders.

    That's it.... We have 25 good days, of these 3-4 extremely happy days , where she pampers me like a kid. But a week of bad days where she complains, compare my kids to other kids , and a couple of days of bad fights between us too!

    But, I am clear that i will be comfortable this way rather than dwelling in guilt for sending her somewhere else, knowing she can't be happy there, and she is too old to be judged or criticized, but to accommodate her.

    You are right. Just be calm.
    It is not your fault. You dont have to prove to anyone about your love or sacrifice to your mom.
    Just be calm. Your mom will come around.
    Everything will come back to normal. Because, this too shall pass!
     
  9. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks dear. Yes. I realise i have been taken for granted badly and its my fault. I dont want to blame anyone else but me in this regard. Now the scar i carry is too big and too deep. It will take a lot of time to heal.

    I hope things return to normal but for me in my mind there is no going back to where i was before with her. i honestly dont want to go back too since i know i will only end up getting hurt again and again.
     
  10. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Swetha! for once when you congratulated me, i had no clue why. I mean i forgot about the pregnancy part. :)

    I am happy about this pregnancy too. But i hate all this drama. Its ok. Life had to teach me to live my own life than including everyone to travel with me.

    You are right in one thing. I badly need a break from all this nonsense. I am talking to my husband about taking this break actually. my sister will be visiting us in May to stay with mom and i dont want to be around.

    And having my sister here at this point is my worst nightmare. Forget about helping me or mom, she will add more fuel and go back to her place. So i just want to leave to some place as a vacay trip with kids and my husband only.
     

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