I Am Very Very Disappointed In My Mom Now...

Ok, i have a new issue. I am 34 years now with two sons. And i am pregnant and currently in my 6th month. This pregnancy was a sudden unplanned one but we took it in stride and we as in my husband, kids and I are very happy about it.

Unfortunately unlike the other times earlier times, i am weak and i feel dizzy a lot due to low BP. And i cant stand or sit for a long time else i feel a pain in my underbelly. Also, i have trouble sleeping in the nights some nights. And when i face sleepless nights, i just cant function the next morning normally and everything is super painful or heavy for me. as in walking also is a strain or sitting is a strain on those days. I have told my mom about it and basically my entire family knows this including my kids. Those who are new, my mom stays with me since i dont have a dad and my sister is not in a position to take care of her. So my husband and I have been taking care of my mom since the last 10 years.

The issue is that, Saturday night, i didn't sleep until 4 in the morning. And i woke up early yesterday ie Sunday to order vegetables the first thing at around 8 and thereafter i tried to do my morning stuff but felt very tired and weak and i told the same to my mom. She said she will make me breakfast soon since she didnt plan on cleaning or dusting anything. I said ok and i lied down coz my mom usually has this habit of cooking only after bathing so i lied down to give her time and space to take a bath.

Now after lying for half hour, and feeling dizzy i woke up and asked her mom, are you cooking anything? She said no, she is just cleaning still. I told her again this time, mom i am very hungry, i can go and brush but since you have to cook, i want you to take bath and cook for me and i am very tired and sleepy but i guess the baby is hungry since i can feel it kicking. She said ok. But after 15 mins, she still didnt go for bathing.

I got angry and upset. I told her 'dont bother cooking now, i am ordering food since i am very hungry' and it came out in an angry manner. While ordering i ordered for everyone including my husband, kids and mom since anyway if i am getting, i did rather get it for everyone.

While she was bathing, the food arrived and i waited for my mom to come out of the bathroom to brush my teeth and then took a plate for eating. She meanwhile got a rawa packet to cook upma. I told her, why are you cooking now, i already ordered for everyone.

She started hyperventilating and crying saying that 'am i maid for you and your family to command me to cook food like this and then i dont do it on time, to order outside? You are just like your father who told the same thing to workers earlier (when he was alive and this probably happened 20 years ago, since i was not staying with them, i dont know about this). Anyway, i couldnt really see her crying like that and upset so i apologized and hugged her and told her you have to understand mom that i am expecting. If you had told me i want to clean, i would have ordered earlier. I dont have a problem you not cooking, my problem is my baby is hungry and i if i dont eat, i fall dizzy."

But after i spoke, she answered back saying 'all this because you have an arrogance that you are earning and i am just living on your mercy'. In my life, if there is one thing, i dont do or tolerate if anyone else is doing also, it is showing arrogance coz they am earning. I mean job, money are in my view temporary. They can be there today and gone tomorrow. They are god's grace and blessing in my opinion.

When she spoke this, my heart broke. I have sacrified a lot for my mom throughout my 34 years of life.
-> I stayed away from my parents to study.
-> When my uncle misbehaved, i begged and pleaded my mom to come and take me back home but she refused,
-> when i married according to my wish, she spoke a lot and lot of rude stuff but i let it go
-> Inspite of all that rudeness, i refused to let her stay with anyone else coz i was scared for her that she would be ill treated so i took care of her and my sister
-> Spent for my sister's education myself to help her study
-> Finally when my sister's marriage was settled, my mom wanted to sell my jewellery and make a bigger ornament for my sister since 'i dont wear any of my gold jewellery' and it was lying waste in my house
-> After sister's son was born, she spoke to me in such a rude way saying that my paternal grandmother always hated me so her earrings which were at home should technically belong to my sister since my sister was loved by my paternal grandmother so she was going to melt that earring and make gold bangles or earrings for my sister's son. She could have just tol dme that she wanted to use grandmom's earrnings for making gold bangles for my sister's son and i absolutely never had a problem at all.
-> She ill treats my elder son coz he is darker in appearance and keeps instigating fights between my kids
-> When my sister's son beats the hell out of my sons, she keeps quite and silent then without saying anything

And the list goes on and on.....

The point is i have never claimed for anything anything at all what is my mothers till now. I dont care if my sister takes it or i take it. But as a daughter, all i expected was a little happiness for being with me. Since childhood till ten years ago, i placed my mom above my dad and always wished i stayed with her. and when it finally happened, i was so elated that i was staying with my mom that i just ignored, or cried but let go of all the hurt which was thrown at me.

And when something happened to my kids, i always made time to speak to her and explain her why she is wrong and how she should behave and i tell her and explain her calmly for days and days to help her understand

But yesterday, something broke in me. I mean, arrogance because i was earning? And treating her like a maid? You know when my husband and i go for shopping, my husband picks up a saree for her to buy and i pick a saree of my choice. We buy two sarees for her when we go out. Just last week she said she wanted to eat sweets and i ordered so much sweets for her. When my husband and I go to a restaurant and we really like it, the first thing i tell him is, mom would love this place, we should bring her and kids also. In addition, i have put my broken jewellery and got her a gold chain of her choice. And when i actually apoint maids in my house for washing vessels and sweaping and mopping, she yells at them and scares them away. Till date, no maid has stayed for more than a month and she hates having maids. So i just let her feel comfortable whichever way she liked. I accommodated her in her every wish.

And for all the love i showered, the remark i got was arrogance for earning and treating her like a maid coz i asked for food since i was expecting?

All my life, i have never asked for a single thing from her. The only thing i asked her was when i got to know i was expecting, my baby loves my mom's food. I salivate when i see her cooked food and i asked her to cook for me this pregnancy coz last two times, she was not there with me due the love marriage debacle.

And for that she is saying, its the way i spoke rudely to her. I accept maybe, it might have come off as rude or i dont know whatever she felt. But i was hungry, dizzy, tired and expecting. Was it too much to expect this from her?

This morning, i had decided to do my tasks myself and started mixing milk and making breakfast, now she again has a problem. She is yelling at me saying you are not my daughter get lost from my sight. I lost my cool, i told her you have never in your life been a good mom to me so you get away. She then started saying all sorts to things but this time i guess i had it enough, i told her yes, this is my house, so yes i am arrogant and rude for you and she went crying and complaining to my husband and wanted to book tickets to stay with my grandmother and i said fine. Book her tickets.

The point is maybe i could have adjusted, maybe i could have just let it go but i felt i was stretched too tightly. I just cant take anything anymore.

I am no longer angry or upset just very very disappointed. And honestly i am too emotional at the moment to even talk to her. If she wants to go and live with someone else, fine with me. I longer have that thing in me to protect her and cherish her and take care of her.

Maybe i am wrong maybe i acted too harshly but i am a human too and i need some space and time for myself and my baby at the moment.

 

Hi @nayidulhan

Thanks for taking your time to read and comment on my post. I was and am very upset but its ok.

As always, i had a talk with my husband today morning and he said only one thing. Things are bound to go more awry from here on and the only thing i am going to and decided to do is answer calmly if it is a question, listen to the other person no matter who talks (be it mom or any relatives on her behalf) and let whatever nonsense they throw at me away and if it comes to the point where she wants to leave somewhere, LET HER GO. And i am strictly following the calm part. No matter what she tells me i am just not responding to her or just keep mum.

Why do you think i am the only person who always has to adjust? I am as such expecting and everything and you would think that a mom might be considerate of it right but no. Anyone says something to her, she has to put it on my head and i am the usual scapegoat for her to sort things. Thi sis the not the first time this has happened about breakfast. There were days earlier when i asked ot cook early for me days when i was not asleep and she would make a face or grumble about it and she hates it if i cook. So to prove her point, she will cook early the next day when i apparently sleep till 8.30AM and at 9 AM just when i wake up, she will rub it on my face saying, i have cooked early today did you eat? I let t all go, all. But i dont know this time, i am just tired mentally dealing with all the things i am as such dealing.

She is no longer there for me in my mind. Forget about physically. Actually i have been thinking the same myself. Why did i do this or react like this now? You know, all my life, if you ask my husband you will know how much i at times sacrificed being with my children also to accomodate her. I put my husband's needs second and chose to put her needs first. I did it all the while without thinking of how my husband would feel, how my kids would feel. But for once, she could not do it for me. Forget about doing it, trying to equate what i said to what my dad did is just a grossly wrong thing to do IMO.

I accept her mind's a mess. She hates a lot of things my dad said or did and my grandmom said or did. She now sees my aunts and other people giving it back to people whoever does or says things and now she wants to take revenge for all that. She keeps tlaking about the injustices she faced again and again and again every night. I still listen and keep calming her every night until day before yesterday. So just coz you are upset with someone doesnt make it right to push all that on me and vent it out on me according to me.

As i said, i have let it all go.

When i talk to her, i ensure my kids are not around. Even for a joke or say a normal way, i dont want my kids to know what she did. After all she is their grandmom not mom. she might be a crappy mom to me but thats just me and my mom's relation. I dont want it to affect her other relations. I never discuss her with anyone in this world other than my husband coz as i said, she feels alone and i know that so i never would dare to alienate her with other relations around. If she paints a negative picture of me so be it. I never bothered about it and still don't.

For the first time in my life, i feel good for having stood up and spoken back. I dont know why but i feel a long time, i jsut kept all the hurt to myself. Telling my mom that yes, i am the person who you think i am in your mind. So its up to you to be here to if you want to leave leave was in a way for me personally relieving.

Yes, i still need a mom. Who doesnt? But i dont need a mom who keeps painting a false picture of myself to me just to make herself feel victimized and paint a sorry picture about herself and feel good.

 

Thanks dear. Yes. I realise i have been taken for granted badly and its my fault. I dont want to blame anyone else but me in this regard. Now the scar i carry is too big and too deep. It will take a lot of time to heal.

I hope things return to normal but for me in my mind there is no going back to where i was before with her. i honestly dont want to go back too since i know i will only end up getting hurt again and again.

 

Thanks Swetha! for once when you congratulated me, i had no clue why. I mean i forgot about the pregnancy part.

I am happy about this pregnancy too. But i hate all this drama. Its ok. Life had to teach me to live my own life than including everyone to travel with me.

You are right in one thing. I badly need a break from all this nonsense. I am talking to my husband about taking this break actually. my sister will be visiting us in May to stay with mom and i dont want to be around.

And having my sister here at this point is my worst nightmare. Forget about helping me or mom, she will add more fuel and go back to her place. So i just want to leave to some place as a vacay trip with kids and my husband only.