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I Am Upset, And I Need Help

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, May 3, 2022.

  1. Ragavisang

    Ragavisang Silver IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,
    I understood that your real problem is your SIL's behaviour . Instead of beating around the bush why don't you take your SIL out for a lunch or coffee to deal with the problem directly in a much nicer sweeter way. As she is suffering from fever :rolleye:(1.guilt bug and 2. what if (mil stays with me because of her husband )bug ) give her the taste of her own medicine by saying SO WHAT. So what if you don't like my hubby, I like my hubby no matter what and I know how to handle him and put him in a place if he behaves abnormally and at any cost myself or my mom won't come to your door step to ask for help. Tell her that you know her ulterior motive in much kinder way so that she can realize her mistake and not defending her mistake. As you said life taught you many lessons and made you a very balanced and matured person, with that approach you can resolve SIL's problem intellectually with lesser/no damage. Emotions block our smart thinking ability. So clear that before talking to her. Hope you regain your Vacation spirit soon. Time heals every thing dear. Wishing you a speedy recovery and be happy no matter what. Enjoy every second of your much deserved vacation:cheer::cheer:.
     
  2. Bujji32786

    Bujji32786 Senior IL'ite

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  3. Bujji32786

    Bujji32786 Senior IL'ite

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    I have sibling in the same situation and feel the same.
     
  4. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @SGBV
    One big tight hug to you.
    You are a strong and independent woman and i have been inspired by you many times.

    I will always keep you in my prayers and wish good health, good vibes and good things to you forever.

    Big bear hug to you
    Nandini
     
  5. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I read many of your old posts.

    What your mom is doing is not right. He is your husband and father of his kids. He spent some money on the house - that's with good intentions. Just because he earns less than you doesnt mean he is wasting your hard earned money. Your family's toxic iews will create rift in your marriage.

    If people around you will not respect your husband, you will lose respect for him too, and he may lose love for you in return. It is better to stay away from toxic people.

    You may think your mom is concerned about you, but things are not so black and white- in your old posts, your mom always broke your confidence. But your hubby fell in love with you. Remember that. Dont let your mom and SIL create problems in your marg in the name of well-wisher. Your husband is your partner, get him respect from others and refuse to listen to demeaning things about him.
     
    nandinimithun and chanchitra like this.
  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV,

    You are going through way too much in your personal life which might in the longrun affect your flawless international career you had dreampt for and achieved. Here are my humble suggestions for your predicament:

    1) You have invested solid 10 years in improving the relationship with your husband which is the main accomplishment in your personal life. You have understood who he is, decided to accept him as he is, and worked out boundaries with him already. As far as financial arrangements are concerned, you have kept some of the assets in your name while intentionally let others to be in joint name to create the trust. This is the part you have done well so far and only thing you can do further is to see whether any improvement can be made in your husband supporting you in times of need.

    2) The real issue you are encountering is how to draw boundaries with your mother, brother and sil. Because you love your mother dearly doesn't necessarily mean you should accept her tantrums. True love for her would involve telling her how you feel when she does such tantrums and telling her firmly your relationship with your husband is well-established to your satisfaction and no longer negotiable to be altered by the advice from her or your brother or your sil. Your mother may not realize that your SIL is jealous of your career and joins hands with your mother in bad mouthing your husband.
    You definitely need to draw the line that talking ill of your husband with you is unacceptable.

    3) The effect of you encountering health issues plus stress due to family situation will have profound impact on your children. At least, you will be out of your health issues soon but you need to find a long-lasting solution for your family situation. Set the boundaries with your mother, brother and SIL with an open dialogue that you know what you are doing and their advice or criticism about what you do is unwarranted.

    4) Your mom may be genuinely worried about you being let down by your husband later in your life. Give her the confidence that you are no longer vulnerable to such situations and can handle it well in future. You do it politely first listening to her point of view but not in the present of your brother or SIL and then, respond point by point to all her questions/concerns firmly. Don't show your emotions. After this discussion, please tell her you never would like to discuss this again.

    5) It is difficult for the previous generation to understand your relationship with your husband as she might be used to certain conditions with your father. Take a note and write down her concerns in a piece of paper and write down on the other side, your answers to her questions. Please verify whether you feel honestly comfortable and her concerns are unwarranted. That is the best way to create confidence in you as it looks like from your OP that their questions create a doubt in your mind. If it doesn't, you won't write about it here in IL.

    6) Be firm with your SIL in her interest in fixing your life as she has no role to play in your life. If you are absolutely convinced that it is coming from her jealousy towards you, please begin to ignore her comments. Don't show any emotions for her comments as she would consider that as your weakness. Please tell your mother not to engage in a conversation about your life with your SIL.

    7) You have a professional career, role as a mother for young children and a wife besides paying attention and answering all the doubts of your mother, brother and SIL. Don't get consumed by this disturbance created by them as it would have impact in your other roles over a period of time.

    If I have assumed something incorrectly, please forgive me. You are the best judge in this situation and I wrote this note with a genuine concern for your well-being.

    Good luck for recovering your health back and for a peaceful life.

    Viswa
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2022
    Laks09, SGBV, nandinimithun and 2 others like this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone!

    As suggested by many of you, i had an open discussion with my mom a day before i got admitted for the surgery.
    During the discussion process, i could not help but break down before her with tears for everything that i am going through in addition to the health issues, stressful caree, parenting and husband's issues. I told her how bad her comments, criticism & negative remarks make me feel.
    In addition, i told her what i felt honestly about SIL & her crocodile tears about our issues.
    I was too emotional as i could no longer mask my sadness with anger that day, knowing i would be vulnerable again for a couple of months after this major surgery.

    My mom was devastated. She didn't know how much i was affected bcz of her constant criticism & ganging up with brother's family.

    I even explained to mom on how my brother & sister help me, while diplomatically alerting whenever i make wrong decisions regarding my H. Otherwise, they are understanding & supportive.
    That gives me immense strength & power while handling everything singlehandedly.

    But mom's criticism & constant comparison make me doubt myself & i am tired defending each & everything in life.

    Usually after such open discussion my mom used to go give me silent treatment by not speaking, eating & not looking after the kids. It usually breaks my confidence & put me on a guilt trip.

    But this time, she was different. She showed extra love, care & affection and even apologized for her behavior in the past.

    Touchwood, its been 2+ weeks since my surgery & mom is super cool. There is no issues with my H.

    SIL comes here almost daily & feeds poison in mom's ears.
    But thankfully mom discusses them with me and we both find ways to diplomatically put her in her place.

    I know this is just a begining. But i have learnt to be more open & clear in the future.

    Honestly speaking, i can't trust my H all over again. Broken glasses can never look the same. But, i find ways to take the risk, and build the trust as much as i can afford.
    Bcz he is not just my H, but my kid's dad & a member of our family.
    I just can't handle everything alone. I need a companion.
     
  8. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    Glad things are beginning to look better for you! All the best in future. I would suggest you not to get too comfortable with your H, his laziness and spendthrift habits likely to cause trouble in future. Constantly work on changing him or protect yourself financially.
     
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  9. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    For a moment, if you forget your brother and sil’s J factor, i think they have every reason to be suspicious about your H. I remember some of the issues you had many years ago. You were vulnerable then and you are vulnerable now. Your current vulnerability reminds them of the past and they are concerned for you. Not to mention, with old age, people remember the tiniest details from the past but not what they had last night. They can also be influenced quickly because of their own vulnerability.
    What you can do is talk to your mom anout how you are not the same person you were a decade ago and that you can manage no matter what. The only thing you need from her is confidence in you. cut your brother some slackand chalk his behaviour to concern for you
     
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