I Am Upset, And I Need Help

Dear friends,

I am stressed, confused and my mind is elsewhere. I need your guidance as usual to realign everything before things get too complex.

Here we go....

I am in Sri Lanka, with family on a month long vacation. This was planned already & we had few other business commitments; hence we travelled amidst all other craziness here.

During this time, unfortunately i had to plan my hysterectomy surgery, that too an open surgery this time due to certain health concerns. The surgery will take place next week.

Amidst all this, my mom started keeping long faces on and off, avoiding me & creating a fuss before others. My brother & sisters family are here, and it is obvious that they can see the tiffs between me & mom.
I am sad, bcz i seriously do not know what's the reason behind her silent treatment this time.

After so much fuss, she opened up saying how bad my H, and how can i make foolish decisions like keeping our business under both of our (me & H) name.
Later, i understood my brother & SIL had spoken with mom & revealed what they think & observed about my H. And they have asked her to advice me to be careful with him.

They said the following:
1. My H isnt loving & caring for the kids but money minded & spoke several stuff on that when there was a discussion about kids future at brothers place ( i wasn't there)

2. My H is very much spendthrift. He wastes my hard earned money on things which he can work instead. Like small garden work or cleaning. But he throws money unnecessarily.

3. My H is lazy & he influence my kids so negatively; hence the kids are becoming lazy like him.

Now my mom have started criticizing me for being careless about my H all the time. She says, everyone is asking why your DD is so naive & so careless when her H is being so selfish.
And she starts criticising as if i am a fool.

I lost it. I have been handling a lot already. I make sure not to depend on my H. Not to be fooled by him or his family on any legal matters; hence being careful always.
I do not care about his laziness anymore, bcz i seriously have no time to care this while handling all in parallel.

I have invested a good 10 years with him to change him to a person, but after all the efforts, I've understood there is no room to change him.
So, i have accepted him as who he is, and made clear boundaries in the relationship so that there is no harm in having him.

I know what i do, and i am being very clear.

But, my mom & brother, especially my SIL constantly put me down for the fact that i have a useless H & I do nothing about it.

My SIL says, if i were you I would have chased him out, but you are so weak.... And my mom goes GA GA with her on a daily basis.

I have hornonal imbalance, work stress, kids & a lot to handle in the family business too. But these people are draining me.

I can sense a bit of jealousy in my SIL & Bro about my success in everything.
They keep on mocking me on the things i lack these days.

I hate this vacation & the sleepless days with mom explaining everything and crying later.

Do i need this ? All i expect is some peace of mind, support, care & concern for my health. But what i receive is sheer ********.

 

This is the problem. My mom is very fragile & she is under the impression that i am still very vulnerable as i was before. She doesnt see my changed nature, but is very protective of me.

My brother & SIL are guilt ridden for the fact that they could not take care of mom when she badly needed a home 2 years back when i couldn't accompany her to Bangladesh.
Because of that, i had to leave my job & return home.

Now that, mom became my family & there is no looking back.
When people question about this, especially as to why mom isn't with them, they try to create stories like i can't handle life without mom; hence mom prefers my place over theirs.
To make mom believe this, they fuel the fire by constantly talking nonsense against my H & the problems i have.
My 73 yr old mom obviously lack analytical skills, but starts panicking.
She often criticize me for being casual with my H these days.

On the other hand, just because i accepted my H, doesnt mean i have forgotten his mistakes. I still remember them, and i will never take things lightly when it comes to finances or other serious matters.

Just because i am vigilant, doesnt mean i have to fight with my H constantly or bring back the past to spoil the present happiness at home.
We both know the boundaries, and we have found a middle ground to live in this unique marriage with lots of happiness.

Again, just because we are happy & together doesnt mean i allow my H to cheat me again.

I have communicated this with mom & family a million times before.
I have proved my capacity by leading a progressive & successful life in the past decade & on...

I dont know what else is needed to shut them all...

 

Thanks everyone.

First of all, there are certain conditions in my life, which i can't change.
My H will never be the first person whom i can trust or depend on. I have created my own support system to go to whenever i need family or social support.

I am not a fool to write off my assets on my H's name ever again.
All my major assets are on my name only.

On the other hand, my mom is now part of my family. She can't be left at my brother's place because that is not her home.
She has left her own home in 2011 to stay with me & support my kids when my H left me. She stood by me to build myself and to become the person who i am today.
She chose me over her other two children considering my vulnerability. Over the years she feels safe with me, and thinks my place as her home.

My mom does not share a great relationship with her DIL. She fears to go to her DIL's place now with this helpless & fragile stage/age.
Even if she is ready, i wouldn't allow her to go through anything uncomfortable as this.

Now that she is very old. Very fragile both emotionally & physically. She has become my complete dependent.

I have a cook/maid & a full time care taker to help around the house & with kids. The same lady helps with mom too. These women will be actively involved in my recovery as well.

I do not expect my mom to accept my H or love him. I know she can't.
But i expect her to understand me & support my decisions.
I want her to respect my judgements as an adult. Appreciate my parenting & other success as a woman. That's all.

I hate it, when my mom & brother (SIL) constantly discuss my in house matters & criticize everything i do as if i am a fool.

They talk about my parenting style, my financial handlings, my decisions & everything about me just to find faults & criticize.

It feels as if my life has become an open book for anyone to comment.

When it comes to my brothers or sisters life, my mom makes sure she or no one for that matter interfere into their personal matters. She is scared as to what will happen if they get angry.
But in my case, it is not that she interferes but involve others & discuss & debate as if it is an episode of a TV serial.
It is so uncomfortable.

In fact, I have invested on a small business from my Sri lankan savings account (given the currency's devaluation) jointly to keep my H occupied on something he is interested.
This will help his idle mind from acting devilish.
Even if i do not invest that money, it will automatically depreciated & be nothing by the time we come back.

I have always separated my finances, never allowed emotions to play around when it comes to issues as such.
I will never trust my H or his capacity to be our care taker again.

But, this has become a content for the entire family to pass time. They believe they are helping me, safe guarding me, buy to be honest they are playing with my emotions.

 

You are right. But this will be applicable in a normal family where the H protects his wife & the kids.
My family is unique, where my H has improved a lot from what he was before. He is now helping me physically, driving me up & down with hospital appointments, planing & preparing for the surgery, taking care of kids needs & handling business matters while i concentrate on my health. He does everything on my demand & advice.
It is a great relief, because he hadnt done anything a decade back when i was physically vulnerable as this.
So, i accept every change, though it is minor wholeheartedly as a success for my patients & waiting.

But, he is not my sole go to person at this moment. I have hired helps, family & friends nearby & support me, my kids & my mom at this moment.

So, i have no complaints.

I know. But i can't kick her off from my home where she feels safe & comfortable.
She didn't kick me off when i returned from my marital home in 2011. She backed me & helped me to bounce back.
Now that, she doesnt want to move out of my home. I can't chase her.
I can't be selfish & heartless. I am sorry.

All i want is, she should stop discussing our family matters with outsiders without my permission.
If i consider her as my family & give her that comfort zone, she should respect that and accept mine as her family too.
Then, everything will stay within the walls of our family. It is that simple.

I do share my plans, decisions & everything with my siblings. They are my support system and only go to place.
Buy i know how & when to discuss.

Especially i dont wanna look crazy or vulnerable before my SIL & I dont like to hear her fake advice & concern knowing who she is.
But because of mom's panic mode, things go out of hand. Especially, she is getting so carried away with SIL's talks and discuss my life with them & criticize together. I hate it