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I Am Upset, And I Need Help

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, May 3, 2022.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friends,

    I am stressed, confused and my mind is elsewhere. I need your guidance as usual to realign everything before things get too complex.

    Here we go....

    I am in Sri Lanka, with family on a month long vacation. This was planned already & we had few other business commitments; hence we travelled amidst all other craziness here.

    During this time, unfortunately i had to plan my hysterectomy surgery, that too an open surgery this time due to certain health concerns. The surgery will take place next week.

    Amidst all this, my mom started keeping long faces on and off, avoiding me & creating a fuss before others. My brother & sisters family are here, and it is obvious that they can see the tiffs between me & mom.
    I am sad, bcz i seriously do not know what's the reason behind her silent treatment this time.

    After so much fuss, she opened up saying how bad my H, and how can i make foolish decisions like keeping our business under both of our (me & H) name.
    Later, i understood my brother & SIL had spoken with mom & revealed what they think & observed about my H. And they have asked her to advice me to be careful with him.

    They said the following:
    1. My H isnt loving & caring for the kids but money minded & spoke several stuff on that when there was a discussion about kids future at brothers place ( i wasn't there)

    2. My H is very much spendthrift. He wastes my hard earned money on things which he can work instead. Like small garden work or cleaning. But he throws money unnecessarily.

    3. My H is lazy & he influence my kids so negatively; hence the kids are becoming lazy like him.

    Now my mom have started criticizing me for being careless about my H all the time. She says, everyone is asking why your DD is so naive & so careless when her H is being so selfish.
    And she starts criticising as if i am a fool.

    I lost it. I have been handling a lot already. I make sure not to depend on my H. Not to be fooled by him or his family on any legal matters; hence being careful always.
    I do not care about his laziness anymore, bcz i seriously have no time to care this while handling all in parallel.

    I have invested a good 10 years with him to change him to a person, but after all the efforts, I've understood there is no room to change him.
    So, i have accepted him as who he is, and made clear boundaries in the relationship so that there is no harm in having him.

    I know what i do, and i am being very clear.

    But, my mom & brother, especially my SIL constantly put me down for the fact that i have a useless H & I do nothing about it.

    My SIL says, if i were you I would have chased him out, but you are so weak.... And my mom goes GA GA with her on a daily basis.

    I have hornonal imbalance, work stress, kids & a lot to handle in the family business too. But these people are draining me.

    I can sense a bit of jealousy in my SIL & Bro about my success in everything.
    They keep on mocking me on the things i lack these days.

    I hate this vacation & the sleepless days with mom explaining everything and crying later.

    Do i need this ? All i expect is some peace of mind, support, care & concern for my health. But what i receive is sheer ********.
     
    superwomen1 likes this.
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Can you hire a nurse to look after you post-surgery? It will take you a few weeks to recover to the point of moving about independently and stress will only make things worse.
    When you return to your workstation my suggestion would be to leave your mom behind at your brother’s place. You can ask your husband to manage the kids and /or hire a babysitter to help. Here we always see ads in the Indian store from women looking for these jobs and some of them will also cook.
    Your FOO is not understanding boundaries and are needlessly creating complications in your life. If you feel you have achieved an understanding and acceptance of your situation then try to manage on your own for a while.
     
    Ragavisang and KashmirFlower like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is the problem. My mom is very fragile & she is under the impression that i am still very vulnerable as i was before. She doesnt see my changed nature, but is very protective of me.

    My brother & SIL are guilt ridden for the fact that they could not take care of mom when she badly needed a home 2 years back when i couldn't accompany her to Bangladesh.
    Because of that, i had to leave my job & return home.

    Now that, mom became my family & there is no looking back.
    When people question about this, especially as to why mom isn't with them, they try to create stories like i can't handle life without mom; hence mom prefers my place over theirs.
    To make mom believe this, they fuel the fire by constantly talking nonsense against my H & the problems i have.
    My 73 yr old mom obviously lack analytical skills, but starts panicking.
    She often criticize me for being casual with my H these days.

    On the other hand, just because i accepted my H, doesnt mean i have forgotten his mistakes. I still remember them, and i will never take things lightly when it comes to finances or other serious matters.

    Just because i am vigilant, doesnt mean i have to fight with my H constantly or bring back the past to spoil the present happiness at home.
    We both know the boundaries, and we have found a middle ground to live in this unique marriage with lots of happiness.

    Again, just because we are happy & together doesnt mean i allow my H to cheat me again.

    I have communicated this with mom & family a million times before.
    I have proved my capacity by leading a progressive & successful life in the past decade & on...

    I dont know what else is needed to shut them all...
     
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If I were your mom and sibling, I would mostly say what they are saying. My question would be shouldn’t it be your spouse who is helping you deal with your hormones, kids, work and business? At least, that would be my thought process.

    Especially, if this surgery is happening and kids need care and your DH anyway won’t pitch in.

    You have accepted him as who he is but your mom is tolerating him for your sake. And him not pitching in, has impacted her directly.

    Every time you have something like a need where someone needs to help you heal, these feelings are bound to come up. Regardless of the number of hired help, it does take a toll on the primary caregiver and your DH’s refusal to step into that role after all the years is probably riling your family up big time.

    To actually have your family get off your back, you need to step away and be independent. You will have to leave your mom and move away. You will have to give your family minimal information about your life. This may end up impacting you negatively because when you accepted your spouse as who he is, you made up for his lack of support by getting it from your family. Things like discussing kids and their emotional needs, ways to handle them, what classes to take, where to take them for activities, which business to invest in, where to put your money, what is happening in office and how to deal with it - you do it all alone and probably got support from your mom. You need to find a support structure that is not your mom or siblings. Instead of having one person as your go to, you should create
    some sort of a network. When your family sees you doing that, then they will back off. When you have your mom with you at all times, it won’t happen.
     
    Bujji32786, joylokhi, Amica and 3 others like this.
  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Leave your mom with your brothers family when you go back to canada.
    Now concentrate on recovering after surgery.
    Ask your husband to take care of you and hire a nurse if needed.
     
    Ragavisang and sarvantaryamini like this.
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    Be a neutral person and observe the situation. Family might mean well . Protect your assets at any cost . You have worked very hard to build what you have . Sometimes outsiders maybe able to situation better than the person in the situation.
    In many situations your mom has been primary caregiver for you and your kids . I think addressing her concerns and separating finance may not be a bad idea. Your acceptance of your H is good for your marital life but including his name in your finance is something that needs more validation based on your previous posts. As someone who has lost quite a bit of money with in-laws I have started protecting everything I own. Outsiders may feel I'm being overprotective but I know how much I suffered because I didn't take proper steps earlier. I'm sure your mother might think the same. The fact that you are expecting your mom to accept your H is not something that is going to happen. Hope your health bounces back soon
     
    Ragavisang, Amica and KashmirFlower like this.
  7. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    People of her age are not only reluctant to help, they will expect that others will take care of them. That's an unfortunate truth. Though it's tough on you at this moment, if possible get a hired help and keep yourself away from this kind of negativity.
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone.

    First of all, there are certain conditions in my life, which i can't change.
    My H will never be the first person whom i can trust or depend on. I have created my own support system to go to whenever i need family or social support.

    I am not a fool to write off my assets on my H's name ever again.
    All my major assets are on my name only.

    On the other hand, my mom is now part of my family. She can't be left at my brother's place because that is not her home.
    She has left her own home in 2011 to stay with me & support my kids when my H left me. She stood by me to build myself and to become the person who i am today.
    She chose me over her other two children considering my vulnerability. Over the years she feels safe with me, and thinks my place as her home.

    My mom does not share a great relationship with her DIL. She fears to go to her DIL's place now with this helpless & fragile stage/age.
    Even if she is ready, i wouldn't allow her to go through anything uncomfortable as this.

    Now that she is very old. Very fragile both emotionally & physically. She has become my complete dependent.

    I have a cook/maid & a full time care taker to help around the house & with kids. The same lady helps with mom too. These women will be actively involved in my recovery as well.

    I do not expect my mom to accept my H or love him. I know she can't.
    But i expect her to understand me & support my decisions.
    I want her to respect my judgements as an adult. Appreciate my parenting & other success as a woman. That's all.

    I hate it, when my mom & brother (SIL) constantly discuss my in house matters & criticize everything i do as if i am a fool.

    They talk about my parenting style, my financial handlings, my decisions & everything about me just to find faults & criticize.

    It feels as if my life has become an open book for anyone to comment.

    When it comes to my brothers or sisters life, my mom makes sure she or no one for that matter interfere into their personal matters. She is scared as to what will happen if they get angry.
    But in my case, it is not that she interferes but involve others & discuss & debate as if it is an episode of a TV serial.
    It is so uncomfortable.

    In fact, I have invested on a small business from my Sri lankan savings account (given the currency's devaluation) jointly to keep my H occupied on something he is interested.
    This will help his idle mind from acting devilish.
    Even if i do not invest that money, it will automatically depreciated & be nothing by the time we come back.

    I have always separated my finances, never allowed emotions to play around when it comes to issues as such.
    I will never trust my H or his capacity to be our care taker again.

    But, this has become a content for the entire family to pass time. They believe they are helping me, safe guarding me, buy to be honest they are playing with my emotions.
     
    Ragavisang and happyperson like this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You are right. But this will be applicable in a normal family where the H protects his wife & the kids.
    My family is unique, where my H has improved a lot from what he was before. He is now helping me physically, driving me up & down with hospital appointments, planing & preparing for the surgery, taking care of kids needs & handling business matters while i concentrate on my health. He does everything on my demand & advice.
    It is a great relief, because he hadnt done anything a decade back when i was physically vulnerable as this.
    So, i accept every change, though it is minor wholeheartedly as a success for my patients & waiting.

    But, he is not my sole go to person at this moment. I have hired helps, family & friends nearby & support me, my kids & my mom at this moment.

    So, i have no complaints.

    I know. But i can't kick her off from my home where she feels safe & comfortable.
    She didn't kick me off when i returned from my marital home in 2011. She backed me & helped me to bounce back.
    Now that, she doesnt want to move out of my home. I can't chase her.
    I can't be selfish & heartless. I am sorry.

    All i want is, she should stop discussing our family matters with outsiders without my permission.
    If i consider her as my family & give her that comfort zone, she should respect that and accept mine as her family too.
    Then, everything will stay within the walls of our family. It is that simple.

    I do share my plans, decisions & everything with my siblings. They are my support system and only go to place.
    Buy i know how & when to discuss.

    Especially i dont wanna look crazy or vulnerable before my SIL & I dont like to hear her fake advice & concern knowing who she is.
    But because of mom's panic mode, things go out of hand. Especially, she is getting so carried away with SIL's talks and discuss my life with them & criticize together. I hate it
     
    Laks09 likes this.
  10. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

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    I could not have put it more eloquently than @Laks09.

    You might have made a choice to balance things out but your family does not see it that way, for various reasons, guilt, age, vulnerability, fragility, some selfish reasons, some genuine reasons.

    You have to make a choice:

    1. Keep status quo, don't take the bait on every single comment or criticism. Let the naysayers say nay, you give two hoots and enjoy your ride: Easier said than done since the work needs to come from within you. This is the toughest choice : to remain unaffected by interrupts.

    2. Break the Mom-H-Siblings full 360 degree visibility in some way or the other and keep your peace on one side of the pond. Slightly easier but still challenging because this is your happy family image and its very hard to make choices on photo-frames of group family.

    Sorry this is not going to sound sweet, but if I were you, I'd focus on the harder but more foundational choice option #1 because its a choice I can control and its resilient to any future changes because I'm controlling the one variable I can develop control over: my reactions. But it is very very hard to crack, will give you that.

    Screw people who have the idle time and energy to comment on your family dynamics, I wish everyone had that kind of spare time but some of us are busy with real life you know, things like kids, surgery, recovery, mental health, food on the table, those kind of things. Like mentally, you can keep giving them the middle finger, no matter who they are.

    I have an upcoming trip planned to India to visit family in the summer with my kid and husband. Mentally preparing myself for that onslaught as well. I don't know about yours, but mine is drama on steroids on all sides, not trying to deride it but just saying it for what it is, I'm one of the same boat too. I keep reminding myself why I'm doing what I'm doing.

    In normal times, we visit once a year and take that year's quota and find ways to digest it. But this time COVID played havoc and we are going to get a booster shot after 3 full years.

    Hang in there. You will be fine. Good luck.
     
    kavikuyil, Ragavisang, SGBV and 3 others like this.

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