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I am sooo very angry

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by swt.charu, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    My parenting day has started very very bad today...

    Has anyone of you ever felt your child just does not deserve his parents, the next meal in his plate let alone the school fees and other nice things in life ??

    Has anyone ever felt you should stop funding your own child and start supporting a child who less fortunate but more deserving ??

    This precisely is what I am feeling today... and am going to look out for ways to support a child in real need.

    The reason ??

    yesterday at 10:30 pm when I had fallen flat in the bed he tells "math teacher has told us to print the revision papers"... so I get out of bed print it, give a lecture how he needs to be more responsible etc etc and crash ..

    today morning as usual he lounges around doing nothing.. takes his own time to brush and bath.. wastes time and water which in essense is hard earned money....starts to dress up 5 mins before the bus arrival time. That's when I get a call from another mom to forward the English revision paper which they need to print and carry to school...

    and hell broke loose... all the while from the time I got up from bed last night to print something else till the time he wasted all morning, there was no news of english paper and suddenly out of no where it becomes a thing of paramount importance....

    This really triggered the question in me ... does he even deserve to go to school
    ?? and I am convinced "NO"

    The world is unfair as it is and parents like me are just feeding the system...
     
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  2. sangeethakripa

    sangeethakripa Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with you.. The lethargic attitude of the children puts a high tension. I also wonder whether the flaw lies in my parenting skill. Yet in search of the answer.Learning patience to handle them and instilling discipline is nerve wrecking. But I am trying to learn and rebuild everyday. Wish to hear from members who have successfully crossed (crossing) this bridge. Need to start a separate thread for motivating ourself to do a better parenting every day.
    I also support your view on funding for the deserving kid.
     
    hermitcrab and swt.charu like this.
  3. shobhamma

    shobhamma Gold IL'ite

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    One way of making him responsible is DO NOT DO THINGS for him.
    If you did not print what would have happened? let him face it.
    Nothing teaches life values like punishment !
     
  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't have any first hand experience of parenting but have watched my sis bring up her kids at close quarters. I have not forgotten my own childhood or how my parents brought me up and so am taking the liberty of posting my opinion and suggestions.

    Don't get so upset with him. He is still young and has a long way to go and has many things to learn in life. Some things like responsibility you can teach him by laying down the rules. Any homework that needs to be done or any printouts to be taken have to be done before 5 pm on Sunday or say 8 or 9 pm on a working day. Thereafter you will not do any of those things for him. If he comes to you later than that and mentions anything, too bad, you will not do it for him. I know it will worry you to know that he has consequences to face. But better now than later or never. Let him go to school without having done whatever the assignment. Let him face the consequences once, twice, thrice. Am sure he will learn to be more responsible after that.
     
  5. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Well... I did not print this morning ... He missed his bus and I did not bother to drop him ... but my husband ended up dropping him despite me being against it...

    Being in a joint family a whole lot of "other drama" unfolds... but that is unrelated and needs different kind of fixing...

    I seriously want to stop running after him in the morning, reminding him every ohter minute he is getting late and stuff..let him miss the bus and miss the school if that's what it means...

    But I fear he may get habituated to that too and laze around more and more...
     
  6. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    I fear he would grow a thick skin to punishments ...
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @swt.charu,

    Got a few moments, and just wanted to say..

    Hang in there..i will take this as just a vent of a frustrated mom with nothing going right..one of those days...we all have..

    i still believe that there has not been much change from 2014.. sorry to bring back the link here. most of the suggestions for the very problems were discussed so well then and i am sure you are trying out something..if you have and if has not worked do tell us so that we can try some other angle..

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/schoolgoers-and-teens/257005-when-did-your-school-going.html
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/schoolgoers-and-teens/240841-how-make-my-child-understand.html

    i also believe he is a confused kid who is taking the cues from the adults in the family - joint family. sometimes the toxicity among the elders is something that the child cannot understand or know to balance. he loves all the four, but is worried how to manage. so it effects in other areas.


    he said that there was a print out needed. so what if he does not take that print out that day. he is almost 10 charu and you cannot be behind him for life, assuming you send him for his higher education to india or abroad. let him forget, let him go without completing a few times.. (so what a few b instead of A but he will learn his way by falling and getting up is my opinion..)
    I would definitely not get out of bed to print, that. i would have asked him to check everything and arrange everything for sunday morning and keep it ready and you would try to help him take a print out in the morning if he helps..make it his job.he has to do it if he wants it.

    Never think my son doesn't deserve all this. come on, you start providing things even before they need it and the day he does not value what is given to him you question whether he qualifies for everything. If you are telling this to your son, you please need to stop, or knowing your son through your post, if he were to ask you "So get yourself a deserving son" in reply could hurt a lot..though he would not even realise the seriousness of his reply..

    so it is high time, see if you can sit and talk and come to a conclusion.

    All of you need to work together, decide how you are going to approach this. if you leave it you are going to have a child who is going to look at rebelling to control. (Say he relates your shouting to your venting your frustation that is more rooted with the il/parents rather than him.to other arguments and fights at home...oh the woes of joint family and controls..)


    You need to talk to him about how it works in joint family ..that all the four of you want the best for him and he is a smart kid who can find his way..


    I always think, that quote sums up all our parenting troubles..there is no right or left or the method..you flunk, you cry, you have all the hair rising moments..but every moment of it is a wonderful moment of the journey you will sit and think off..infact your son may also come back to say i am sorry for putting you through so much mom....yeah things do happen..

    cheer up..

    p.s. will try checking up later..
     

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  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    even I wouldn't do that.if they told me at 10.30PM then I don't pay attention and kids have to pay a price to their own.

    To be honest, a lot of things are the result of our own parenting style.These days fewer kids and high energy parents and wanted everything to be perfect making our self-restless and unhappy.

    Sometimes make deaf ear when kids don't tell you ahead of time.And let them fail few times and then they will pick up the pieces.

    here we are afraid making kids fail sometimes.But this is the best age.If it's in high-school,the price is high.Atleast middle school,it's better.
     
  9. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you Shanvy...well yes.. it is a bad parenting day and I am venting...

    Looking back, is there any progress in his behaviour / attitude ? I would say yes and slow pace or rather a pace that he decides ... there was a very recent moment when he said "when I was in grade 1 and 2 I did not even get what math was all about or why we were bothered with counting numbers or add / subtract them. But I have started to get it now". I was surprised he said this in as many words. Also, I see his aptitude towards the subject is changing for the good...

    I continue to be after him and do things for him for these reasons

    1) If I am not after him it will not be done unless it is a matter very close to his heart and mean something to him. I think punishments of any sort either inside the house or outside the house truely bring any change in him. Rewards too haven't really worked well with him.. I don't do things for him so that he can be saved from the negative consequences. I do it because I know it will not be done despite all sorts of consequences negative and positive... I don't know if I am articulating it well. Hope you get this one.

    I fear if I just let him be, it will be too late to do anything about it at all..

    2) The only thing that brings a real shift in him is his own free will ... something has to hit him at a core level and I am unable to reach his core for all the positive changes I want in him... one of it being for example his lazing in the morning...a lazy bath prioritised over breakfast..

    but the moments when I could truely connect, the change in him was shockingly instantaneous...example I spoke to him once about the importance of doing his morning and evening prayers (sandhyavandanam). I don't know what hit the right chord but never once I had to remind him or persuade him to do it.

    So I continue to do the things for him or being after him till the day I can hit the message hard enough to reach him...such moments have been few and far between..

    3) Another reason why I do things for him in a structured way to instill the "structured thinking" in him at a sub conscious level when I am unable to get him to own it completely... As you said, a day will surely come when no one is going to be after him, doing things for him... may be on that day he may pull out the values he never practiced but any way saw it happening around him and start practicing them..

    we ourselves have many such moments I believe.... things when we did not listen to our mom when she advised us but today in our adult world we have many moments when we say "this is how mom did it" and just follow suit...
     
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  10. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    I have tried this too.. There have been times when I don't pay attention and let him be..

    I wait for him to fix what went wrong the next day or the day after.. but the day never comes unless I am after him to complete it or hand it to him..
     
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