I am so depressed, can't bare it, please tell me what to do.

richa2009 · Feb 12, 2010

Hi friends.
I have been feeling very depressed and low for last couple of years as I keep thinking about my family situation.I am married and living abroad.we are not sure if we want to go back to India considering current home loans,financial responsibilities and thinking about our next generation's career and future once we have a kid etc.Even both my parents and pils think that it is not a very wise decision to leave a settled and comfortable lifestyle behind and think about going back.They mention most of the things are still so difficult to handle and deal with on daily basis in india.We agress as we see them getting harrassed and annoyed with lots of tinymini things.We can clearly see that living abroad is so far better option for us, also I can help out my parents financially once in a while . I am not working now and since my parents are getting old and I have a younger sister who is working and doesn't want to get married at all,I feel with inflation rate and all, it is gradually becoming difficult for them to maintain the same standard of living( not any hi stand, just plain middle class standard I am talking about)..They are definitely compromising a lot in terms of cost cutting and leading a simpler life.I try to help them out financially , but that 's occasional since I have to depend on my hubby for financial support and though he is a nice guy, he has his own share of financial investment related burden and until and unless I am financially independent ,I feel very ashamed to seek any help from him for my parents.I am a few weeks pregnant now and I guess during this economy and considering baby's care etc., I may not be able to find a job in next 2 years.My sister is a very nice person.she is my world and I know I mean everything to her.She is not willing to get married seeing so many divorce cases around,domestic problems and conflicts.She is a also a witness of some initial problems in my marriage such as cold behavior of in-laws, unnecessary egostic and harsh attitude of my DH towards us and them.Now everything is okay, but I guess it has affected her subconsciously and she always says what if the groom turns to be like xyz, what if he doesn't allow me to come and see our parents on regular basis, what if something happens(god forbid) and I just can't reach there in time in case of an emergency, what if groom's family doesn't allow me to help my parents financially.She is working but I am afraid if her sole income will be sufficient for the rest of her life.She has also completed a professional course, but since the job market is tight ,she is still not able to find a real high paying good job in that field though she has started trying for last 4/5 months. I can't rule out the possibilities that she is talking about such as guys family and their dominance, rules and regulations etc.She is independent minded and I can feel if she is bound to do all these against her will , she will be more in grief and sorrow to the extent that I traumatize to imagine .So she is telling me that I know if I don't get a real good job, I don't know with my job and dad's lil saving , how will I be able to survive for next 40/45 years or more, but I am very scared to get married ,if something wrong happens in the home front, I can't handle it,and that'll devastate our parents more.she also says at this age she doesn't feel the urge of starting family,kids etc.But I can see time is flying and if she agrees to get married in next 2/3 years, then it could be too late to find a decent groom , that too close to our house.she is more terrified to see other cousins and relatives her age who got married in recent years and already having some sort of problem or other with their new families.some of them are compromising badly, some of them are confronting as they are backed up by good job, financially well-off parents and their support.In our cases,parents are not that well-off,retired, physically not fit enough to even meet grooms family and enquirer about them and all other things that are required for any wedding initiative,she is having a decent jobs but certainly not enough if she has to live alone. She is like my own child, I can't forget about her and her future for a moment, also understand my parents are dependent on her like a son,(not financially though).she claims that she is not getting married not only she can't live without our parents , also because she is too short tempered to handle domestics problems and conflicts and compromise and most importantly those responsibilities.
Please guys, suggest me what can I do for her and my family.for financial factor, I see no shortcut than me getting any kind of job , but that also not before 1/2 years after my baby's birth and all.Then I can do my best to secure my sister's future and also help my parents to lead a better life as before.I feel so bad when I get all the good things, but can't get them anything good.whatever I can do now, I know it is not enough.

Please suggest me what to do.I am getting so stressed out.I see my family to be so happy about my pregnancy news .I am happy too,and I literally cry when I see them so happy over these things. but when I think about our situation,I fall apart, though try to hide from them.

deepshikha · Feb 12, 2010

Dear Richa, first of all congratulations on your pregnancy, this is not the time to be deppressed.

I am in the same situation, I have old parents and a younger sister who has not even finished college studies yet. I too am in US and really worry about my family a lot.

Coming to your sisters situation, she needs to understand that marriage does not only mean problems. It is not very wise assume that she will have only problems to deal with once she gets married. Explain to her that it is a form of companionship. Though caring for parents is important, but she needs to understand that she too will need to have a family to be around her and what better is there for a parent to have their daughter married and settled. Talk to her that problems are a part of life. What if a problem comes up at her workplace, will she decide to never go to work again? No, isn't it? she will face it. Marriage is synonymous to making adjustments and tiding over problems that come your way. You need to talk to her about this. I can understand how you feel about her as I too have a growing up sister. Would you want her to be alone all her life? Don't you think its important to have companionship for everyone?

Tell her to approach marriage with an open mind. Who knows she might find a guy who is willing to support not only her but your parents too.

Don't fret over the fact that your parents standard of living is not so great. I am sure they are very happy that you have a good life standard. The best you can give to your parents in your situation is to show them that you are happy and satisfied in your married life, if you stay deppressed it will affect your baby, and your parents will not be too happy about it too.

Enjoy your pregnancy and child-birth, this is the time for you to bond with your baby and hubby. Once the baby is there, show your sister what it means to have a family. Perhaps her opinion about marriage will change.

I hope you feel better. Take care.

Tridev · Feb 12, 2010

OP, financially, even if you send them 500USD or 600USD it is close to 25K in India, if they are living a simple life, that is enough to survive, on top of that your sister can contribute something, she can live in with them ,unless she opts not to for freedom sake, she is not deciding to get married looking everywhere to marital problems, I feel she is a real wise person, again she knows her weakness, she is independent, short tempered, life is going to be miserable for sure 99%.... Marriage is tough .. very tough....personalities make it more tough, there are so many people who live independent , just husband and wife and kids, no inlaws, no financial problems, still their married life is horrible, or gets worst with passing years. Its not easy either way. You can try to manage for 1 to 2 years as you said and then look for some job

PS: I got to hear a joke yesterday on TV , its was for men but I feel can also include women.. the joke goes this way

Person A :"Only 10% men are clever and wise"

Person B : "so what about the rest"

Person A: "Rest are married."

mahdee · Feb 12, 2010

Hi Richa,
I agree with both deepshika and tridev said.
I feel you have to be free from all these thoughts and start enjoying your present period and pregnancy is one such happiest moment in a woman's life. You have to be strong. Don't take all situations emotionally,instead try to face it, if u worry all u get is tensions in life and mind gets used to it, you have to come out of it and start living happily in whatever situation you are, thats the way life is.You have to decide- whether u want to be sad, worried n tensed through out life or to try , face situation, keep strong mind and stay happy
And as far as your sister's life is concerned, tell her that everyone doesn't go under the same situation, she may get right partner, in fact a supportive husband to your family like an elder son . Things change .
Have a positive outlook in life. Have faith in god. start reading spiritual books and listen to music.

meena2 · Feb 12, 2010

Richa, Please Please do not worry about things now. It is time to be happy.
Congrats on your pregnancy!! Have fun now. Don't think too much.
All will be fine. Have faith in God!

Take care
Meena

Tridev said: ↑

Person A :"Only 10% men are clever and wise"

Person B : "so what about the rest"

Person A: "Rest are married."
Click to expand...

:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl Nice one Tridev.

So, what are you??? Married or clever and wise????

My dh is definately married!!!! :biglaugh

SupSam · Feb 12, 2010

Richa.. I truly know that if any of us says that dont worry...its not the right time to worry for you and blah blah...it might make you all the more annoyed because I personally can understand that such a situation cannot be pushed at the back seat however much you try. All the above said right...you should talk to he and show her the positive part of life. You yourself said that your husband is a nice guy. Give her egs of those couples who are happy. ANd dont we have to face problems in our parental homes...generation gap issues with our own parents...quarrels with our own siblings, then why to be so worried about the other family. There's a way out for every issue. SHe just needs to be patient and positive. Right...she should definitely read some spiritual books...and should think of that moment when your parents would be completing their life spans but would be worried from within for your sister being left alone. SH'e being great sacrificing for parents but that pain would be much more for your parents. Let her find a suitable match in time and frankly but sensibly discuss all with him in prior.

You surely need to rest your mind and soul for yourself and the baby...for both of yours health and the baby's nature and outlook towards life which is now building within you from your thoughts and feelings. SHow ur sis time n again how happy u r being married...let her directly and indirectly see the happiness and warmth of marriage and having a soulmate.

God Bless!!

SUpriya.