i am lost and i am done with my life....

injustice - i'm glad you're writing on this forum. it means you see that something is off and you're reaching out to people for advice/help/to share your thought and i think that's one of the most important steps to fixing things. you're going to be okay - we all go through a phase of anger and frustration and questioning why things are happening to us - it's normal.

there are so many women on this forum - we understand where you are coming from have have felt everything you are describing in one way or another. we're here to help you and listen and give you advice - just write back and tell us how you feel and we'll do our best to help you get through things.

don't let the frustration of ttc ruin things - God tests us however he thinks fit. i think someone else mentioned this before, but for a lot of us, we are accustomed to getting whatever we want from our parents, siblings, relatives and life in general. usually things are easy for us and when we get to the ttc phase of our life, we expect it to be easy.

unfortunately, it's not easy for all of us - birth and babies are everyday miracles and it's easy to get jealous. i was doing the same thing you are - i cut off from my friends and family, was constantly fighting with my husband - but all of that is so negative and it really takes up all the space in your heart.

i can only tell you what i've been doing lately to try to improve things:

1. i try to pray more to cleanse my thoughts and heart. the bad stuff we feel and think are the devil/evil. i know this part is hard because we think God is testing us. but he's testing our faith - show him it's strong.

2. keep yourself busy. if you're not working, invite friends to your house. keep up your volunteer work, read books, read this forum. an idle mind is the worst thing for someone ttc.

3. try NOT to fight with your husband. when its your ovulation period, neither of you will really be interested in ttc because you'll be busy thinking of how mad you are at him, etc.

4. write to us, vent to us, we'll help you however we can.

5. it's the beginning of a new year - it's a fresh start - who knows, maybe we'll all get pregnant tomorrow! think positive!

all of our best wishes to you!

 

IJ, first of all, calm down. here is what I think:

Just because you are not getting periods or not ovulating (how do you know you are not anyway?), doesnt mean you are not complete.
A complete woman is a highly over rated concept. There are so many women in this world who cannot conceive; are they labeled as incomplete? No.
You are not incomplete; you are experiencing some fertility problems and it will go away. Stop calling yourself incomplete. Stop blaming yourself. Its not your fault.

Another thing which strikes me odd is that, just because you dont want to have sex with your husband, why are you fighting with him?
From time to time, even I dont feel like having sex with mine. I usually tell him that I am not in a mood and that is it OK if we do it another time. Your DH seems to be very understanding. I suggest you tell him that you are not in a mood these days, that he give you some time. I am sure he would appreciate this honesty instead of picking up a fight with him just to make sure that he wouldn't persuade you for sex.

Also, please remember that we have sex not only to conceive but also to enjoy. Take a vacation if possible and try not to think about kids every time you have sex. Try to just enjoy it like you are enjoying a chocolate cake.

All these days your concentration was on kids, now its time to change the strategy and completely relax. You have tried being stressful and it didn't work. Now is the time to test another strategy; which is relaxing. I have a feeling it will work.

 

IJ,

I second what Rakhi said. I know you have no one else to show your frustration on except your husband but since you know you do this, know it is not really healthy - you need to fight the urge to fight with him.

He is right in asking you to meet with a psychiatrist. You yourself are saying that you are not in control, don't know why you act like this, are depressed and angry. How do you propose to fix this without professional help? You have a nice husband who, instead of getting angry himself, is able to understand how you feel and wants to help you.

Look at it with an open mind. This is the 20 century and you are educated. Mad people don't go to the psychiatrist - they get taken there by others. Those that go voluntarily are not 'mad' but need help. Everyone needs some kind of help sometimes. Maybe some calming meds will help you. Maybe all you need is regular counseling/therapy - where you can talk about your issues to a third person - someone who will not judge you. Maybe getting it all out will help you sort it out in your head.

Here, in this forum, though we would all love to help you - we are not equivalent to professional help - medication, therapy etc. You are suffering unnecesarily now. Why stay like this? So, if you are serious about getting help and wanting a solution - go to a psychiatrist, or a therapist or a counselor. Get professional help.

I cannot tell you not to be angry with god since I have felt the exact same thing. I can only tell you that you cannot expect any change in your life when you keep doing the same thing. If you want things to change, you need to change what you do. Getting mad at your husband in the night, but acting okay in the day, feeling depressed and angry day in and day out - will get you nowhere.

Come and vent here but that is not enough. Get professional help, talk to your husband about how you feel. Tell him you feel incomplete and stressed - let him know you feel like crap so that he can help you. Not telling him anything will not help you. If you can talk to us, you can talk to him. Come on! You can do this. Start the change now - today. Do things differently.

You owe yourself this. You need to be okay in order to be an okay mom. So tonight - you will talk to your husband about your stress and your depression. You will together make an appointment to meet with a professional.

Ok? Best of Luck!!!

 

Lovely post DNM :thumbsup

injustice everyone here is giving valuable points..i agree all
Stay calm and try..definitely you will get what you want..dont give up..you got a affectionate DH..just say yourself the baby is on the way.. she/he will land when the time comes..baby dust to you

 

Redgems, DNM and Rakhi,

You have given best advices to the OP.Cant say more.

Injustice,

I am TTC for 3+ years and married for 5+ years now. My initial TTC days were very rough as I exactly did the same thing what you have mentioned. But I am so lucky that my DH so nice to me and made me realise that life will be ruined if we stress too much because of TTC.

It took sometime for me to realise what he said and the journey is smooth for last two years, though we have not hit success yet, we realised we have a life to lead and we are a happy couple.

Just to let you, I had my first IVF failing early this week, but I am able to cope with the failure just because of my DH. He is a pillar of support to me. Time heals everything, just thank god that you have such a nice and understanding DH. Soon a little bundle of joy will get added to your nest, but dont let these TTC thoughts create a stress between you and your DH.

 

Dear injustice,
Calm down. There is a wonderful saying in our native language 'It's the Shells' patience that yields the shining pure pearl'(literal translation).
Love your husband unconditionally. The bond between a husband and wife is not decided by a child, a child is not the only way to prove the love between you two, you're still young and got a lot of years ahead. Do not ruin the wonderful relationship that you share with your husband for this reason. When you conceive the child, it should be of good memories, the strong bond between you both, not negative thoughts or a strained relationship. There's more to a marriage than just being a baby delivering machine, so, please do not feel guilty that you're not a good wife. You're a wife, soul companion, best friend, guide first to your husband, and a mother to your kid only after that. So, set your priorities right! This is the best time you can give your 100% time and attention to your husband, once the baby comes, the time is always divided between the 2, so give him the most now!
Also, while you're hurting yourself, what if you're already pregnant(early stages), you might be hurting your baby as well without your knowledge. Next time depression hits, sit before god and meditate, chant god's name or cry until you vent out all the frustration, do not bottle up!
Stay happy and healthy and do not ever give up praying to god, whatever be the problem in your life, keep asking, one day he will answer, if you quit asking, he will never hear it.
We try so hard for small things, but tend to give up when it comes to bigger blessings.
The harder your struggle, the wonderful the results, that's one thing I have realized all through my life. Think about the blessings that you already have and trust yourself and trust in God. A little trust goes a long way!!!
Wish you all the very best :thumbsup

 

Hi,

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/1597403-post7609.html

Please read the above post

 

Hi, excellent replies by Rakhi and DNM...

like radhaparth, I have a very similar story, married for 5+ years and TTC for 3 years... In this period, I had 2 pregnancies. First pregnancy, I was overjoyed... in the 6th week of pregnancy found out that it was ectopic.. baby was formed in the fallopian tube and not uterus... all my hopes and dreams were smashes. But I consoled myself saying that if I had found out late, it would have been fatal for me... so Thanks God!
Instead of asking Why me? I was happy that atleast I could get pregnant.
I had to undergo surgery like c-section. Only difference was after normal c-section, after all the pain, people have a baby in their hands.. I did not have anything except a surgery and a scar!!!!

After 1 year after that, I again got pregnant. My joy knew no bounds, I was overjoyed. It was clear that it was a normal pregnancy and not ectopic, I was too happy. After 3 months of pregnancy, in my 14th week scan, doctor found out baby brain growth was abnormal and went through lot of scans. My God! I had to abort the little one with a heavy heart!

I cannot even begin to explain to you how I and my DH felt. But again there is always something positive to see in every situation. So I felt Thank God I did not have to wait 40 weeks and then after delivering find this out..
So, yes if you want to see, you can see the good in everything.

I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to know that you are pregnant, but you need to abort the kid. Its very difficult.

Just be patient like many others have said. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!!!! What all is good in your life. Imagine how many girls your age are not married and waiting for a good life partner. You already got yours.

It is upto us to make our life happy and peaceful.

I used to be like you in the beginning days of my marriage and fight with DH over everything. I was very jealous of everyone and everything and did not like myself. But I changed that and am very happily married to my best friend, my DH. This TTC process has brought us very close.

Please remember one thing, YOU CANNOT LOVE SOMEONE ELSE, UNLESS YOU LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!
So do yourself a favor and start liking yourself for who you are.

You are a miracle from God! If you understand how many of your dad's sperms must have fought to fertilize your mom's egg, but only yours succeeded. There is a reason you are on this planet. YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!!!!! You have 2 hands, 2 legs intact, properly developed body, is not that reason enough to thank God! Imagine those who were handicapped, what reason do they have to live? What about the diseased..

Please be positive, love yourself and love others around you and see how much happiness is there in your life...

Remember, GOD does not create junk! He only creates miracles.

I will pray for you tonight in my prayers.. All the best dear!

 

Dear Successminded,

My story is nothing when I read yours. I am impressed that you are taking it in the right spirit. My best wishes to you and you will hold your little bundle of joy soon.

I love your avatar a lord. Really cute one.

 

Successminded,
Excellent post!!!

This is how I also thought when there were problems again and again. Because at last you need to come out of it and face life with all issues. There is no point in sitting idle and feeling for it. No one will come and cheer up. We, ourselves have to cheer us...