I Am In Constant Dilemma...

Try therapy for your mother. Lot of older people behave weird in old age. They don't understand boundaries. Psychologist will explain her consequences of her behavior.

 

can i ask a question. do not get offended. if you are senior in career and dealing with lot of random ideas , so see as a stranger feedback.

just for some time, imagine. if this was your Mother in law. she supports your education and everything your mom did. but with the same personality and behavior. think on what actions you will do. i guess that will answer your dilemma.

my input is just a 3rd party. i also know blood is thicker. but people do not change. it is your call. may be you need therapy on what needs to be done

 

Hi @SGBV

This is a never ending cycle. This is the situation in my house as well. It has hurt me badly earlier even during my pregnancy but after that i have changed the way i handle her.

Like you, i dont have the option of sending her away nor do i want to. She is the only person who takes care of my kids and due to this i could neither say anything to her lest i seem ungrateful nor say about her to anyone else also.

So i did the only thing i could...confronting her right then and there. I am sure you do too! But here is the thing, my confrontation is not a choice or pleading, or being rude. Its a simple and firm no.

I say a stern no. When something happens, i deal with her right then and there. I dont postpone it. I maintain my stance that she is wrong no matter what she says. And that this is my house and not hers, and i ask her to behave accordingly. Yes, my mom is a part of my house but this is my household. I have told her clearly that i love to take her opinions but the final decision on everything is mine.

Recently she complained about my family issue to my sister when i told her i dont want her to do that. Anyway, the minute i got to know, i was harsh with her. I literally yelled and didnt give her a chance to talk to me at all. I told her that this is the limit and if she does this again, my reaction would be different.

My mom didnt talk to me for 3 days but later on 4th day she started talking normally. I keep reminding her still every single time when gets a call.

I am not sure what she does behind my back but as far as i can, i try to tell her to behave in a certain manner if it concerns me or my family. Even if she throws a tantrum, i dont budge from my decision.

Be stern, be firm and stand by your decision.

 

I am also feeling the same towards my mom. She helps me in so many ways but tries to control me. She is totally against my parenting style. I am very lenient with my kid, but she wants me to be a tight disciplinarian. I agree with her regarding food but can't agree on my kid's play time and study time. She would blindly say that I am spoiling my child. My blood pressure just rises when she starts this topic, which I have told her many times to stop. Now my kid has also started reacting the way I do. She has started getting anger issues. My mom is actually stuck in the 80,s parenting style. She cannot see me sitting idle. I always have to be doing something , either cooking or cleaning. I told her I don't have even half the stamina my mother had, at my current age. I prefer evening walks, but she wants me to be home by 6. The topics of argument are so silly but I just can't control myself. I don't have the patience to explain things to her which obviously she doesn't want to understand. She was not so strict when I was a little girl and she just didn't cared then. I am myself fighting with so many insecurities and learning to win them, and she just adds fuel to my internal fire with her taunting.
And she speaks normally with my sibling. No teaching or preaching even if wrong. Says don't want to upset, so keeps quiet. I know I cannot make her perfect but I want to have a peaceful co existence. If she doesn't stop, my kid will pick this habit of nagging and arguing even if wrong and not knowing how to respect boundaries.

 

I have only the following words about love:

"Love as thought is Truth
Love as action is right conduct
Love as feeling is peace
Love as understanding is non-violence"

When we are children and we have not yet developed a good level of discrimination, listening to the parents become an extremely important aspect in our daily life.
However, when we grow up, we have to use our discrimination to make decisions.

Staying together as one family and a thought associated with that is Love in Truth. One doesn't like to break a family unless it is dysfunctional and hence any act even by a parent that leads to such result is an act of not understanding love in Truth.

The intention to take very good care of our parents and expressing unconditional love is right conduct. However, not conveying to them how their words are affecting us and our family is not right conduct. It is not enough even if it is communicated until and unless it is received and responded by the defaulting person in a right way.

How one feels gives the internal peace. When there is a conflict, it is important that we clear that as quickly as possible. Attaining peace is the duty of the individual because that is equivalent to self-love. One should not compromise allowing words that are incorrect to create conflit to this internal peace. A prolonged berating words will indefinitely affect the internal peace and even the relationship to a certain extent. It is in the best interest to resolve it quickly even if it involves tough talk.

When one loves someone else, we use careful words communicating firm decisions as well. This is Love with understanding. Even a verbal communication is in a way is violence as it has profound impact in one's mind.

I am sharing this not necessarily for a particular situation explained by the OP but in general, how I feel about situations that are affecting a peaceful coexistence.

It is always difficult to choose between the mother and the spouse. But it is easier to choose right conduct without choosing one or the other. Even though confrontation is difficult especially when one grew up in cordial setting of extended family, not confronting for a prolonged period of time would affect all relationships. It becomes more complicated when one is grateful for many other actions of the defaulting person. General wisdom is to avoid confrontation and remain silent as much as possible but it creates tension in the relationship in unrecognizable ways. Whether it is the cloth that fell on a thorn or the thorn that touched the cloth, the damage is always to the cloth. Our emotions are susceptable to such constant war of words. We can't keep them in a burrow deep underneath our subconscious mind.