I am in a mess !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prada

I agree this is one big mess, but frankly you got into it with your eyes open. Were you just telling yourself that your clandestine affair would be just one of convenience, a temporary thing you could wish away later? Not likely. You were perhaps moved by emotion then, but considering that you maintained about not reciprocating you were sort of aware it might go haywire. Given that you did not get emotionally attached, this Ravi is technically a stalker, right now it is Internet stalking. If you land in India it can get direct and physical.

On the other end is your hubby. blissfully unaware of your hush-hush relationship. Hate to burst your bubble dear, but do not discount the possibility that given his emotional detachment he might be having a secret life of his own. I say this not to be mean or anything, just that it is funny he should continue to be uninvolved in the marriage even after you have expressed your disappointments.

It is understood that you are unable to/do not wish to break the marriage. In that case, here is what I think you can do:

1. Close the Ravi Chapter: You can follow the suggestions other ILites gave. Granted you created multiple IDs but failed, he created other IDs so even if blocking is out how about deleting those mails and emptying your trash? Resist the urge to just see what he has to say. The moment the mail ID/subject looks fishy just hit DELETE. Period. No second thoughts (in case you are unsure if the mail is from a person you know just dont mark as spam and you can block the id once you are sure it is Ravi's alias).

2. Be Prepared For a Face-To-Face: I realise just cutting him off on email/sms is a temporary solution. The time you decide to fly to hometown you have a direct confrontation to face. Prepare yourself for that. You know yourself and the relationship you shared best, so think of how you would want to let Ravi know that you are done with it and he really is going behind something that never was his. Make it plain that you are not for the taking.

3. Get involved in the marriage: A relationship is a two-way street. Like Nandhu said 'iru kai' is true - both parties must get involved. Stop making yourself the victim saying hubby does not show affection. Have you demonstrated concern for his well-being - men sometimes won't spell out their needs. I am not justifying that it is ok for him to ignore you but also IMO just cooking and cleaning is not going to make a marriage girl! Seriously. To me either of that can be arranged with outside help - eating out/hiring household help etc. BUT there are somethings that each spouse must personally provide - emotional support is definitely key to a marriage. Indulge in some deeper contemplation about why things are the way they are - is it solely hubby's fault?

4. Give more attention to your kid/career: Most of us women tend to give up our own lives, telling we are victims of circumstance. We love to wallow in self pity. If you feel your marriage is really going nowhere you could think of seperation. In your case this does not seem to be an option you are thinking of. So redirect your energies - spend more time with kiddo. If you are working focus on your career.

I firmly believe in the 90-10 principle - something that talks about taking control of your own life - only 10% of your life is beyond your control, the other 90% depends on how you react! So react to the Ravi episode calmly and wisely; react to your husband's indifference rationally and with some patience.

Hope this helps

 

Prada, you're weak to get out of this marriage all by yourself.
But highly inclined & tempted to love expressions by Ravi..

Now answer 1 Ques.. if Ravi has the courage to pull you apart from your cold husband... whose ride will you select?
If this happens will you show down Ravi and stay back with your DH & son.. then tell yourself you cannot play with Ravi's emotions.

Niether have you objected his advances nor reciprocated.. a typical man will continue to keep hitting on you until and unless you turn him down strongly... he's aware that you're married & not happy & that you dont have the courage to break off all by yourself.. hence he's running after you...
Permanent solution...
1) Tell Ravi.. hey am sorry to mix up marriage & friendship & now that I realise what grave mistake we've done I want us to back up/ slow down.
2) tell your parents to not to share any new emailid/ contact to ravi.
3) Dont read any mails for atleast a month if you cant resist temptation of opening mails from Ravi or unknown ids.

Beamma has rightly mentioned.. Here are 2 men in your life, neither of whom are behaving as per your wishes... so cutoff atleast with one with whom you're not bound socially.

 

This is one example which strongly instructs to be smart when playing with fire..
If you cant take the heat, dont play with it.
All you did mistake was you played with Ravi with a written evidence (emails, sms, chat.. what not... this is what I am saying not being smart).

Now you have to think about "What if Ravi blackmails you with those proofs?"
If you can convince your spouse, first shot would be to talk to your hubby about the whole situation and dealing the issue backwards(you and your hub goes on him), but with the nature of your hubbs,,, its looks like not an option.
So, try to pick up a very reliable person of your family or friend(like your mom, dad etc), open up with them and ask them to back you up if it is going to be a trouble when you are visiting your place.

BTW, if you can avoid your India trip for a long time, it would be better.

 

I am 100% sure Ravi's threats of ending his life is bogus. It shows how childish he is. He must have watched too many Tamil movies. If you take a paper and list the positives and negatives of staying in the current marriage and the life with Ravi, you will see clearly why the life with your husband is far better than the life with Ravi. Why do you want to spoil your not so perfect marriage? Tell your folks in Chennai not to give your email id/phone to anyone including Ravi who is just a marriage breaker. Your idea of visiting Chennai with your husband is good. When in India, keep yourself busy (An idle mind is a devil's workshop). Don't carry a cell phone in India - do not give him a chance to send an harassing SMS to you. Be bold. Your husband's presence will deter Ravi make any stupid move towards you. Finally, there is always a hope your cold husband will turn warm one day.

 

If this Ravi guy had LOVED you so much why did he not tell you before marriage and why is it now?

When he did not have the courage to marry you before how do you think he got the courage to marry a MARRIED WOMAN?He requires more courage to marry somebody's wife and a mother now.Do you think he has THAT COURAGE now?

Looks like this mess was invited unnncessarily.You have a loveless marriage and leaned over somebody who is taking advantage of the situation.Thatz it.

???????

Please put a full stop immediately to the situation as you might end up in trouble too.If you are worried about him gathering proof against you to mess up your life and all that , just send him a stern mail saying that "You do not want to encourage him anymore and you never looked at him in any other way".(I do not know the intensity of your chats).

You will never know how these guys would be as some guys make fun of the entire situation and make you a comic.He might not be like that but you cannot rule out this situation also.

 

hi,

I certainly sympathize with you about your husband being emotionally distant and you feeling lonely etc. But I am amazed that you let yourself get into such a mess. OK, assuming that you did not think of this Ravi guy the way he did about you and started being in touch with him just as a friend, at least when he started expressing his interest in you, you should have been very clear right then. Anyway, no use crying over spilt milk.

At this point, you will have to realize that there are some very clear cut issues in this whole saga. Firstly, you have to ask yourself where your relationship with your DH is headed. Many men are emotionally distant. You have to ask yourself whether you can talk him about how you feel. If he changes, well and good. If not, can you live him and accept him the way he is.?

If not you have to consider your options. If you choose to go for separation and then look for someone else, then are you so sure, firstly that you will definitely find someone else and then that is this other person going to be better? Or will he have some other streak in his personality which you find it hard to accept? Is there really a Mr. Perfect anywhere in this world?

The second point is that even if you decide to separate and look for someone else, can you really think of living with someone like this Ravi, who is so bullying and manipulative? Do you think he is better than your husband?

So please do not mix up issues. If you are having problems with your DH please sort that out as a completely different issue. Deal with this Ravi as a totally different issue. Others have given you many different suggestions about how to deal with him. You will have to think how best you can take their advice and get out of this mess.

Wishing you all the best.

Swati

 

Hi Prada,

As, Nandshyam said, it is possible to cut all connections with Ravi totally from you (in U.S), provided your intentions of cutting him off, totally are sincere and genuine.............!

I am sorry, if I sound a bit offensive. Just ask yourself. Do you yourself / a part of you, secretly want to keep in touch with Ravi..........?

If your intentions (to cut him off ) are genuine, it is very much possible, to see that none of his mails / phone calls reach you.

With passing days/ months..........Ravi will certainly forget you, at least gradually.

 

Hi Prada,

As Sreesri said......................above...........Does that possibility (he blackmailing you, with the proof of your smses / emails to him ) exist ? Did he try to do that , at least once, so far ? There is a meaning behind my question. First answer it. Then I will say why.

 

Old thread. OP has not even logged in a long while.