1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

I am in a mess !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by prada, Mar 5, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. prada

    prada New IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I am a silent listener in this forum and just love it. Now I have a big problem and I need some advices from all you ladies.

    I am married for 6 years (Arranged marriage), have a 4 year old kid. I am from Chennai and settled in NY. My husband is very reserved, insensitive and emotionally unavailable. He doesnt really care about me whether I am sick or weeping or suffering. He wants food on the table and the home spic and span and I should never ask him any questions. Inlaws are ok, just money minded all the time.

    The problem here is when I went to India in 2009 June for 2 months vacation (just me and kid), I met a family friend of mine, lets call him Ravi. We were casually talking and exchanged cell phone nos. That night I received some SMS jokes from him and I replied innocently saying those jokes were funny and we started to chat till late night through sms. The same thing happened the next night and the next ... after a week, Ravi out of the blue told me that he has always loved me very much and wanted to marry me and since my parents were orthodox plus he didnt have a good job, he didnt ask for marriage. Ravi is a loving, caring and decent guy who is very close to my family. We have known each since I was 4 years old. My parents love him and his parents love me. We were more like siblings that time.

    I have never looked at him that way, ever. But once he told me how much he loved me, I was totally attracted to him. I started to respond to his love and even told him that I would have married him if he had proposed to me at that time (being the sorry wife of a cold husband, it felt good to have someone to love me so much), so for the 2 months we were in love through sms, he wooing me and me accepting all the love but didn't reciprocate or stop it. Just taking all the love and attention happily.:bonk

    After I came to US, I totally cut connections, he just went mad without me, he emailed me saying that he cant live without me etc etc, so I opened a secret email account and started emailing him. At one stage, I thought he is getting too deep into this and since this cant go on forever and he has a future, I told him clearly that cant contact each other. By then he was almost deep down into this and totally believed that I am his wife and started to hate my husband and family.

    Slowly i realized he has turned into a monster who is totally possessive and obsessed with me. I cut all contacts with him by August 2009. Even though i blocked his email he creates new IDs and emails me asking- do i still love him or do i remember him etc and keeps threatening that he is going to commit suicide or he is going to remain unmarried forever etc. My husband doesn't know any of this, as I am just a piece of furniture in his eyes.

    Ravi looks like the cinema type of guy and i am so scared to go back to india. I am not sure what is going to happen. I have done a big mistake, encouraging this behaviour and I have stopped now, but I dont know how far deep i am into this mess and how to extricate myself.I am not sure what to do with him and how to face him, since we are close family friends I cant cut his contact totally.

    PLEASE HELP.
     
    Loading...

  2. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,431
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female


    Ok, I understand. hmmm.. It is upto you to decide.

    (1) You keep saying your husband is a cold hearted guy. Do you want to lead this loveless life or no?
    (2) Do you think Ravi is what you imagined a husband of yours would be? In other words, will you marry him?
    (3) If this SMS-EMAIL affair just an affair or are you bold, courageous, ready enough to take it to the step up, which is divorcing your current husband, getting custody of your child and then marrying this person?

    Ravi blackmailing you is not a concern here. It it you and your weakness that you should work on.

    If you want this marriage, then

    (1) Have some self-control. You know that he is creating new email IDs and responding to you because you are CHECKING it every time right? Do this - Disable the account and forget that email ever existed.

    (2) Your phone SMS both abroad and India - Who's cellphone were you using? Is someone else using that phone right now? If you still have it, just throw away the sim card and erase all the sms/phone history and contacts.

    If you do (1) and (2), Ravi is Gone. Promise to yourself that you will never talk/think about him anymore. Don't worry about what he might do etc. When you go back to India, act as if nothing happened between you two and never be alone with him. Talk to him when needed with people around. That's it.

    (3) Think.

    What is that you want in life?
    Do you love your cold hearted husband?

    How is he towards you otherwise. Is he a good man, good father? Is he a good caretaker? Does he keep you and your kid well, providing you with everything you need? What type of resentments are you holding against him? Are they threatening to your relationship in such a way that its making you to go and seek love somewhere else?

    Ask yourself these questions. If you love your husband and feel this guy is not that bad, and want this marriage to work, take the first step. Communicate to your husband. Tell him you feel lonely in this marriage. Tell him you need him to be there emotionally as well. Talk to him openly. Tell him we should have more sex and get closer. Tell him you are missing all the good one things you had in this marriage initially.

    There is a saying in tamil "Rendu kai thatina thaan oosai varum" Innoru kai thatta varanumnu ethir paarthute utkaaraama, nee en atha kaiya eppadi thatavaikalaamnu yosikalai? So work on it. Love is a mysterious thing, it needs work to be fresh and burning, else life gets mechanical and lost.

     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Prada so now imagine how your life would have been if you would have married "Ravi" who knows you since so long.

    Quite possible life would have been worst than it is now. All that love, feelings, messages, email will fade away very soon after marriage for most. Such feelings are lust and nothing else.. When a person is in love or in romantic gestures a person says and does many things to please, but the reality sets in when one does not get what one wants, for e.g when you avoided Ravi his true color came out, he took it as offense, as a act like you "Dumped" him, that hurted his ego as a man, how can someone dump me.?

    One way its good you are in US, he cannot stalk you physically. ALso a suggestion let him open 1000 email account and send you emails , if you dont reply , he will go crazy. Also you can block his email id that way you wont read what he is writing and he would feel you are reading but not replying and slowly his resentment will fade away. Even if you will try and be nice to him by writing a email saying sorry I was also wrong this should not have happened, and lets close this, he would say ok lets be friends , and the story wont end, this has to end abruptly...

    Married people need to maintain some distance and there has to be some code of conduct.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  4. prada

    prada New IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for the immediate response,
    I am not bold enough to leave the marriage.:hide: . I am weak I agree.
    I have closed my email id twice but he always casually asks my family or cousins and gets my new email id. He doesnt call / sms me when i am in US. He is going deep and deep into this and I am scared he will do something terrible like the things that happen in junior vikatan or kumudham reporter. I dont know how to stop, i have cut off all ties from my side.

    About my husband, he is a lost cause. he is by nature very moody. he is like that to all so there is nothing much i can do. he is a great father, provides everything for me and my kid. good person. but bad husband. I have told him that he has to care for me so that I will feel loved, he says Ok. And thats all. I am fed up of asking for love and attention. Sex is also very mechanical.

    Today morning i received an email from Ravi which was a little strong and I am at my wits end now.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,785
    Likes Received:
    7,296
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Prada,

    First of all, hugs. Nandhu's plan of action is spot on.

    Good that you have cut all contact with Ravi now. Just stop replying to his messages. Please do not worry too much about other things - they may not come to pass.

    It is rather clear that you yearn for love and affection. Please do not feel guilty for it. Since you say that you want to stay in your marriage, please try to resolve the issue with your husband. Unless you get the attention you yearn for, you will only end up frustrated.

    I suggest that you pick up self-help books from your library which help resolve intimacy issues between couples. Try to share little bits of information from there with your husband. Keep cheerful in front of him and relentlessly try to keep trying to connect with him. I sincerely hope that you succeed.

    Good luck, ponnae.
     
  6. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,431
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    There is something like "block this person", flagging the email as spam, so it never comes to your inbox. Have you tried that?

    Dont give yourself excuses, in this virtual world, it is possible to break up a social connection, so just do it.

    So if you have given up, I don't know what else you want to do with this man in this marriage.
     
  7. goodfreind

    goodfreind Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    MY kind advise is please do not look at the email.. and please say stricly that you will compliant etc etc. he will be ok

    He knwow ur wekanes if u spaek little loudly and say you will infrom to his parents /ur parents..

    Bcos some point if ur DH come to knw you will oose gud life

    IF some one love a wife of other DH taht is not innocent /accpetable in thsi Internet world..

    Tat is just for something nothing else

    so just leave and do not give more imporatnce
     
  8. moncy

    moncy New IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Prada,

    Am I hearing you right? Are you sure you dont know how to get out of this mess? Well, nandu and others have given you lots of valid solutions. I also have only one thing to say.Dont jeopardise your marriage , block this guy ! Dont forget you have a 4 yr old kid.

    You have to talk to your husband and let him know that your dont feel loved and suggest that you both go for marital councelling. You need to solve this problem from the root. Or else , I am sorry to say, tomorrow some other "XYZ" will turn up and shower love on you and you might fall for that person then.

    Your kid is growing , so dont set a wrong example for your child.
    If you feel that you really love Ravi or any XYZ, please divorce your husband and then continue with your life.

    -Moncy
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Prada

    I was really surprised the way you were worried about what would happen to some guy who pretended to be a friend all the while and when the time and lineance was given immediately friend turned into lover and when asked to STOP he turned into a stalker and enemy??? such sudden shifts in one person in such short time???

    I still wonder, what was your really worry about? So if something had happened to him, would yoube able to stop it sitting in US? or is it that you are worred he would let everyone know about you and your emails? As long as all this was secret and was taken on a lighter note everything was good for you! but when things got serious you want to take a step back, why??? because you were weak! because you were married already! because youalready have a kid!...isnt it a good lesson for girls like you, who just dont know what to do with their free time and get into such nonsense?? So today its Mr. RAvi..tomorrow some random neighbour ofyours would showsome affection and you would fall for him?? becuase your husband was not loving n caring enough towards you???...Why is it so easy to blame a husband for your fault?? because your husband was dumb enough and was totally trusting you ?? sorry maa for being rude..but really I have not seen anyone giving this bitter medicine to you...so I had to

    Its again surprising how you are pointing out your husbands incapability to show love. If you feel he is not good and not enough for you, leave him and do what you want to, but not behind his back in his house, infront of the kid and again blaming your husband for not being attentive.

    Are you not surprised??? how you are worried about Mr.Ravi and his well being how he might commit suicide or be unmarried his life time...but you are not worried, howit wouldbreak your husbands heart when he comes to know about his wifes internet drama:hide:dont you have some kind of remorse on the way you behaved and betrayed the trust in the marriage??

    If yes, then stop worrying about Mr. Ravi.When you want to STOP all this, you should also stop monitoring that mail box ofyours. If he has your official mailid, then stop accessing it, change your mail id, and inform only to the most imp.near and dear ones and stop moniotring the old mail box for few weeks/months. That would STOP lots of things and this mental pressure of yours. Now what happens to Mr.Ravi is none of your business. He is not a kid and he can very well take care of himself so dont bother about him. Am sure he too will take it as a short time fling and would come out of it, provided you would let him to.

    Please treat this as a lifetime lesson for your own good. Never think that some random person would show love and it can fill the space that your husband was not able to in the marriage.
     
  10. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,263
    Likes Received:
    33
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    What would you like the solution be?

    Here are 2 men in your life, neither of whom are behaving as per your wishes. One you are married to and other whom you are stealthily flirting with on the side. What does this dude want from you? Is he expecting you to leave your husband and marry him? Do you want to do that?
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page