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I am feeling cheated in life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lily, Sep 16, 2008.

  1. Lily

    Lily New IL'ite

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    I am not a regular visitor of this site ..But i love this site for all the love you members show on each other .
    Feel lucky to be part of it ..at the same time feeling very bad that i cant participate actively and come here only for advise.
    Forgive me ladies ...but with things happening in my life ...i am going mad ..

    I have written about my trouble before in this forum and got some sound advise .
    Me and my husband was separated for nearly 2 years after coming to US ..Our main fight was because of my husbands lack of interest in a job and like many others too much interference of in-laws.
    My hubby later apologized for all the issues we had and came back to start the life together.
    By that time my in-laws bad mouthed me and my family and insulted my family a lot that i stopped talking to them.
    My husband first said that he wont join with me till i speak to my in-laws ..and later i don't know what happened he said he will live with me and i can take time to talk to his parents.
    We have been living together for nearly 6 months now and i am nearing 30 and i wanted to go ahead with a kid since everything was going smooth.
    When i brought out the topic , I was shocked when my husband said that he wont have kids with me ..till I became a good DIL ..
    Till they insulted me and my family, i spoke with my in-laws inspite of all our fights
    Only when they become interfering too much in my life (like not giving my own jewelry , not allowing to visit my family ) i used to fight with them.
    I always felt that child is formed out of your love .I couldn't believe that my husband using my desperate need for baby has a trump card
    I feel cheated and empty . I said ok , I will talk with his mom .But he is saying that just talking with her is not enough but i have to get
    close to the family and be a part of family before we go ahead with kid.
    This is really driving me nuts ...My MIL on her part acts as if she loves me a lot ...and makes me the devil.All this is increasing my hatred towards her.
    I understand that parents are important factor in life.But isn't it same for me ? He treated my mom badly when she came here
    But he never accepts his fault when I point it out .And he is too much obsessed with his sister ,mother and father.
    Any news they r the first ones to hear from him.I have least priority in his life which i kund of accepted.
    Other times he showers me with love and when fight comes up he uses foul language which i am not able to digest even if he apologizes
    Now everything apart , I want a baby ..i am going mad here ..and I don't understand how he can be so heartless ..to refuse it
    He also feels that i don't intiate sex often which is true ..but after fighting for almost every day of marriage life right from day 1
    I dont get that feeling only.I feel my feelings are dead. I have so much insecurity in my life ..I am very scared that he will force to live with his parents
    after we go back to india ...which is a pure hell for me.
    These days from the time I get up till the time i sleep , all i can think is about baby.
    In my family everybody is eating my head off , by asking abt the baby.
    and surprisingly his family members doesn't interfere in this baby matter only.Not even a time , they have asked abt it.they say it is your wishes.
    I am not able to concentrate on my work not able to enjoy my life and very depressed.
    Sometimes I feel , y the hell do I want a baby with this kind of a person and y am I begging for it ..but other time feesl helpless
    Forgive me for my way of writing ..but somewhat I am feeling very restless today.
    Pls ladies ..help me ..advise me on what to do

    Regards
    lily
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I can understand your pain and agony. But my dear frend, I dont see any point having child with somebody like your husband. Until both of you feel the same, there is no point bringing third life between you two. If he doesnot value you, chances are he wont value baby either.

    I would suggest giving up this topic for sometime. Until he is the one who starts it. You can use reverse confirmation to get him ticking. You can say, since you guys have had so many issues, you also think you should not have kid in this marriage. I can bet you few instances of this statement, your husband will be irked. Because at the bottom of his heart he also would n't have envisaged himself remaining childless whole life.

    If you really want to live with this gentleman, first step should be to get him respect you as a partner, forget about respect for your wishes or your parents. The fact that he has come back to stay again, speaks that he wants to keep the marriage. Take your time to consolidate this marriage, only then ask for child.

    Ria
     
  3. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Lily

    I totally understand your feelings as i went through the same as DH would say that I will be allowed to have a child only when I am compatible with him .

    Now I am the mother of a 4 yr old .

    Don't worry and as far as my opinion I would think positive don't think about negative thoughts and deal with ur in laws in a postive way .

    Looking at ur husband comingback again with u despite the problems i think he is good but still feels insecured as u are not being compatible with his family .Guys will never give the place of their mom to their wives .But when they see their mother in the wife they are sure to surrender ( esp like ur DH ).

    so just show him that u are part of the family .I am not asking u to forget things but atleast try to forgive them for their attitude and try to win you Dh's confidence back and I am sure he will agree for the Baby .

    I always wanted to have children as soon as i got married and i told him even befopre the marriage but after we got married my DH thru a huge bomb saying that i have wait for 5 yrs so that he can complete all his duties for the family as he is eldest and father in law is no more and also he found me very childish so he said i needed to grow emotionally to be mother .

    I felt the same way that you are feeling now.But things changed .I stopped worrying about the kids and started to live up to his standards of being the ideal wife that he wanted and after a while that changed his mind and started to respect my intentions as well and things came on the way .

    I am sure ur hubby will extend the same thing to u as well

    Just accept ur in laws family as ur own and soon they will learn to adjust to u as well .
     
  4. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Please, dont bring an innocent life to this world and make its life hell with its parents fighting always. Ofcourse its your age and biological clock all ticking to have a baby and no doubt this society will eat your head off.. You will feel restless and want to have a baby to shut all these. But its complete stupidty and selfishness on your part. Because its your responsibility to bring a child to a peaceful life. 2 parents are not at all compatible and what good will it do to the baby? Please dont do that mistake ever. A baby will solve everything is a old wife's tale and it will spoil the relationship even more. More responsibility, more apart the parents will go.

    First mend your relationship with this person first if you are going to spend the rest of your life with him. Bring back the lost feelings, trust, love, affection, security to this marriage. Spend time and work things out first. Let him first accept you as a partner and give you the respect you need.
     
  5. wisha

    wisha Senior IL'ite

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    hi Lily,

    sometimes baby becomes a bridge between two people... i too agree with that..
    But this happiness comes with loads of responsibilities.. the way your husband is behaving, i cant say how will he behave.because he seems in little confused state as you only told
    "My husband first said that he wont join with me till i speak to my in-laws ..and later i don't know what happened he said he will live with me and i can take time to talk to his parents."
    so,its better..leave the topic of baby now and talk about both of you..try to know what exactly he feels..last but not least dont talk about your in-laws.if he says something its better to be quiet and change topic.be cool.
    all the best...

    luck,
    wisha
     
  6. hemchi

    hemchi Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Lily,

    All the ladies here have given you valuable suggestions. But I just wanted to clarify one point here...just because you are around 30...there's no need to worry about the baby. My co-sis delivered her child when she was 34. Absolutely no problems, though it was a c-section due to her short height. Strengthen your relationship with your husband first and then only think of the baby. You still have time. You can even consider a doctor's opinion for this matter.

    Dont worry...relax.
    take care...Hema
     
  7. hollyhock

    hollyhock New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I would also repeat the same ,dont worry about the baby now .If your relation with your husband is strengthend then automatically your husbands thinking also will change .So try to find ways to beter your relation.The whole episode of children should be in the interest of both the partners as it is a collective responsibility.So for now try to use the best of your time to concentrate on things which really matters you.All the best.
     
  8. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Lily,

    I agree with all the women in thispost. below are my opinions not an advise

    1) First of all you do no have any emotoinal bonding with your husband, how are going to bring a baby in this world, what if ur DH does not treat your baby well.
    2) For any relationship to work out there has to be a 2way communication and be transparent.
    3) try to meet him up for coffee dates and send him niceloving smsstart yourrelationship allover again.
    4) if you have sex issues talk to a sexelogist, Men love it when their women initiate sex, if you will have a good sexual relationship you willbe able to bond well emotinally.

    what i am feeling is at the moment you are emotinally drained, take a break and go away for some time with you DH, you need to away from everyone to sort out your problem.
    Every problems have solutions and tellhim itsa twoway traffic, both of you mmet half way.

    I wish you allthe best and i will pray for you that thingswork out for you.PLease dear try to be POSITIVE. Everything will work out for the best.

    love
    alpa:thumbsup
     
  9. Lily

    Lily New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    First of all thank you all for taking your precious time and giving me your opinions.

    As you all said , I guess I am being stupid & selfish.I am a product of a relationship which went apart and I know the sufferings of a child born out of unstable relationship. I wonder y I never thought from that angle.

    Right now I am emotionally drained .
    I have been through everything ..fighting ,reconciling, trying to bond emotionally , going on a vacation with husband ..everything ..to build our relationship ...but still i was not 100 % successfully. I am not sure when I will be ...till then i couldn't wait ...
    And after the condition my husband put for the baby , I am not sure whether I will bond with him again...

    I didn't want a baby for the sake of others asking me ...or becos i was close to 30 ...though they were part of it ..my main thing was i wanted a bundle of joy in my hands ..I wanted to be a mother and enjoy the motherhood ...
    I even told my husband that if he is not ready for a baby atleast allow me to adopt ..
    But again it is one and same ...
    Right now , I think putting off the baby is the best thing i can do for my unborn child.

    Thanks ladies for all your support and prayers!
    Seasons has to change ..hopefully mine will change one day and hope it isn't too late when it changes.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2008
  10. vijayabharti

    vijayabharti New IL'ite

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    I am going thru the same age and problems in my life and have put off the idea of having a baby until atleast 1-2 years. Till then I want to make sure that I want to be in this marriage or not. Look at the brighter side. Ur husband is doing a good job for your life. What if you have a baby and feel trapped in ur marriage. You will have to stay in this marriage just for the sake of ur child. Life is not short. It is pretty long and each one of us has a right to live with happiness. Dont make any decision with haste. Thats what I am doing now. All of my younger sisiters/cousins have babies but my husband never supports me against my live in inlaws. Life seems hell then. So I am just keeping patience and deciding everyday if I want to stay in this marriage or not. I too love kids. Tears flow thru my eyes if I see or hold a kid. But I dont want to ruin my life by being emotional. Hope this helps!
     

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