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I am confused, What should I do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by geetu.tewari, Apr 2, 2010.

  1. geetu.tewari

    geetu.tewari New IL'ite

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    dear friends,

    Mine is a 5 year old love marriage.When my marriage was finalised my MIL created a lot many troubles for me and my family, she even tried to broke my marriage, but inspite of all her efforts I got married to her younger son (now my DH).Her elder son is still not married.All this was five years back.
    Me and my inlaws live in different cities.
    After my marriage me and my MIL has somewhat strained relation.
    Then 1.6 years of my marriage, I had a baby and that was the point where I needed help from my inlaws so that I can continue my job.I asked MIL to stay with us to which she declined saying that she has her own MIL, (my Grand MIL) to take care of, her husband (my FIL) and her elder son (my BIL).So I left my job and my career ended up.
    THen after a year or so , in year 2008,unfortunately my FIL expired, then march 2010 my Grand MIL also expired.
    Till date my elder BIL is unmarried because his girl friend is still not ready for marriage.Now my MIL has started feeling lonely and wishes to live with us.But, I am not comfortable with this idea.I tried to discuss this with my DH, but he doesn't want to hear my point of view.
    What should I do???
    Please help me!
    :drowning
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    sorry but dont you call this selfishness
    i mean do you want people only when you need them?
    ya i understand she dint come when you need but ya i belive she had a valid reason of taking care of family or probbaly some ego
    now a women who lost her husband and a close relative will feel lonely and need support from children and others ..how can you say NO to that?
     
  3. pingme

    pingme New IL'ite

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    Geetu, Please be more specific so we can understand the situation better.

    How did she try to break your marriage? What are the problems she created?
    Was she so monstrous? Only your answers to the above questions can tell us.

    Anyway, what has happened is past. Forget it! Forgive her in your heart. She has lost her husband. Leave your BIL aside, he can take care of himself and his marriage. Get your MIL and keep with you.
    Listen, you and your hubby need to sit down and make your priorities in life and live by that. Don't allow her to interfere in your personal affairs though she lives with you guys. You can do that only if you both are clear on your priorities in married life.
    Talk to your husband and set a path and course for action for yourselves. Then no one in the world can break your marriage!!

    So, get your MIL and keep her however long with you. That will even make you happy later in life.
     
  4. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    She is an old lady who is feeling lonely.. It would be very cruel to deny her the privillege to spend sometime with her other son and grandkids. Whatever she has done in the past, try to forget it.

    Just because someone wronged you, does not necessarily mean you HAVE TO wrong them. If you notice the previous line, what you do in retaliation is called WRONG not RIGHT. In my opinion, the right thing you could do is to keep your MIL with you and try your level best to make her feel loved during and after her stay.

    To keep you sane,
    You could explain your concerns to your DH and listen to his concerns too with an open mind.
    Trust him. Be genuine and caring with your ways you interact with her.

    Try NOT to do this as a sacrifice or as a favor.. If you could think of it as a duty it will help you to not expect appreciation or acknowledgement in return.

    Whether your MIL does her duty or not, you can always do your duty as DIL. Atleast you can allow your husband to do his duty as a Son. Don't you think that would make you happy?
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2010
  5. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Geetu
    I think you should be the bigger person here and act as if nothing happened. She needs you people now and by being there for her you will be doing the right thing.

    You should leave the past behind and be cordial towards her. Just my thoughts!
     
  6. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    Just let her stay with you both for few months. Then if you feel that she is making your life hell then you can discuss with your dh about it. Dont think negative from the start since you have never stayed with her. Now since she is here, you can start your career job. Just see how the life goes then you can decide accordingly.
     
  7. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    In my case when my inlaws came to visit us for the first time, i was very happy and thought in the long run we will stay together with them in india. But things didnt work out fine as i thought. In your case who knows since you dont have that much hope, things might take a different turn. Somtimes what we think might not necessarily turn out in the same manner. So just leave it to time. If you are comfortable you all can stay peacefully , if not then you can talk with your dh.In your case you have a bil so in future if there are clashes then your mil can stay with her other son.So dont worry. All the best.
     
  8. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Dont you think its very selfish of you to actually call her when you need and dump her when you dont need ?

    Now she needs you, dont stoop low.
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Would it be possible for her to buy a flat next door to you guys or in the same building? If you don't want to live with her, you shouldn't have to. My suspicion is that many of the ladies on this site who say you should live with her and not seperate her from her son... would NOT say the same thing if it was YOUR parents wanting to come live with you. Ignore the male bias and our society's pampering of son's and their parents and just make a decision based on what YOU want, but also take into consideration that you need to balance the relationships in your life.

    At this point, it would be best if your mil lived closeby to you guys.... living in a totally different city is going to make her feel isolated and depressed. Would it be possible for elder bil to move with her to your city, and then you and your dh live in one flat and she and bil in the other?

    p.s. I forgot to ask one thing that the other ladies brought up. It's fine to not want your mil to live with you...... but then how come earlier when you had a kid, you wanted your mil at your house? But now that you no longer need her help, you're so against it? If she is really so bad, then why did you want her with you when the baby was born?
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2010
  10. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks God that she did not come to help you before her husband passed away. Her responsibility was to take her husband first. She did that. So let her come and stay with you. treat her well. Welcome to your house. You be the better person.

    What could have happen if she was taking care of your family when her passed away. You and your DH would have felt guilty. So forget it. Everyhting happens for a good reason.

    Peace Be with you.:coffee
     

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