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I am confused.. please help...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Allie, Apr 12, 2010.

  1. Allie

    Allie New IL'ite

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    Dear ladies,

    I had posted my problems with my ILs some days ago... (I am working against their wishes.. and me and my child are staying with my parents during the week and going to ILs place during weekends) and received some good advice... Now I am trying to follow that advice.. but I am confused how to go about it....

    I thought and read about my problem (my MIL is very abusive whenever I go to IL's place) and felt that the best solution is for us (me, DH and child) to stay separately in the same city.. so that we can take care of ILs whenever they need us and still retain some freedom..this could also take care of their complaint that I am not a proper wife to DH.. I am not cooking for him etc...

    The problem is that ILs are constantly complaining about their health, age etc... and putting emotional pressure on DH that they cannot manage alone...If I insist that we move away, I become the evil person, separating their son from them.. If I shift to their house, they will not allow maid for housework or babysitter for my child.. so I cant go for a job.. (it is too far for my child to commute to my parents house from my ILs place everyday ).

    How do I convince my DH that we need to stay away from ILs for sometime in the week at least? He feels bad when they abuse me but after some time he changes his mind and says his parents are old and weak and cant manage without us etc.I understand his concern but I am not able to handle this mental torture...I had clearly told them before marriage that I love my work and I dont want to stop working after marriage.. Seeing and hearing all that abuse from ILs has only made more scared to give my job and independence....
    But if something happens to them after we leave, then will he blame me for the rest of his life?

    Please advice.. I am very confused what step to take next..

    Thanks..

    Allie
     
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  2. jayanaresh

    jayanaresh Bronze IL'ite

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    OH Dear

    We cannot satisfy all at same time.
    Here and there we have to adjust and pull strings accordingly.
    Never leave the job. Gain your DH confidence and talk and speak to him alone. This is not a two day work or a week work. Talk to him slowly and take a month time to convince him,
    Make him understand that you will go mad if you stay at home and listen to MILs words full time, then in turn u will show the anger and frustration on the kid, by beating it.
    I know in lots of joint families where the DIl face MIl's abuses show their anger to their kids and kids in turn become violent and suffered attention deficiency.

    Speak to him openly, and go for a seperate home. Only one life why you want to suffer........

    Nothing will happen to your Ils, but visit them weekly once and in all festival days, so that your kid will get to know them.

    Try some emotional tactics also like """" you are depending on him and you left your home and came to live with him and for him"""""""""""'. He will be convinced soon. but it is a slow process..........

    All the best
    Regards
    Mrs.N


     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I see following options:
    1) Leave your job.
    2) File for divorce.
    3) Hire cooks + nanny against their wishes and give it a try in that house for a while. I know they'll make all attempts to throw that help out but then keep paying the servant... they're finally used to lowest level abuses.

    I felt a lot of relief from abuses cos now they were directed to servants & they dint mind it.
     
  4. glowmom

    glowmom Senior IL'ite

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    can you move to city closer to your parents house and ask inlaws to join you there? your house, you could do what you need.

    may be your parents can still care for your kid and u just need to figure out house maid part with inlaws..
     
  5. Allie

    Allie New IL'ite

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    Dear ILites, Thanks for the responses...

    Mrs.N, its true that I feel more stressed and angry whenever I am with my ILs and I do tend to get more irritated with my child when he refuses to eat or sleep since I know they will be commenting on the way I am bringing him up etc... I have been trying to reason with DH for so many months now.. but the emotional tactics from ILs is also continuing...so he also keeps changing his mind.. The main problem is that if we bring up the topic of a separate house, they will create a BIG fight and scene and may even fall ill etc... which we would like to avoid....

    Shilpama, hiring cooks and nanny forcibly is also an option I have repeatedly discussed with DH... he doesnt want to force his parents that much... I did stay with them for some time without a job.. but I was so stressed out managing housework and baby all by myself... that I lost a lot of weight ..so DH agreed to job and staying with my parents for sometime.. but situation has not improved ...so I am scared to leave my job as well...

    glowmom, I am in the same city as my parents...I stay with them through the week and go to ILs place for weekends.... its been some 6 months of this arrangement and ILs are not changing their stand reg my job...its also stressful for DH since he is missing out on the child ...and hearing complaints about me from ILs...
     
  6. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Try to convince ur DH to keep a full time maid and babysitter. In all probability ur in laws will have a problem with the maid as well. This might just make ur DH realize what his parents are trying to do.

    U know most even my in laws created a big fuss wen i kept a babysitter in the house. My mil created a big scene. It did not work in her favor bcoz my husband though still a mama's boy did realize how his mom was manipulating the entire household.
     
  7. deepd

    deepd Gold IL'ite

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    dear Allie

    i feel so bad for you.

    Try to talk to your DH openly. Tell him that apart from his parents he has a certain responsibility towards you and your child. You and your child will be with him for life so he should not sacrifice your wishes and your life for the sake of his unreasonable parents.
    If he feels bad when ur MIL abuses you then he should sit down and find a solution to this problem. He should discuss with his parents that they should respect you.
    After all love and respect can not be one sided its a give and take kinda thing.
    Regarding your job and house work : i ll advise you NOT to leave ur job at all. and try to get some maid whether your inlaws allow or not. tell them that you are not able to manage with house work along with office. And tell them that for your child's future and ur satisfaction your job is important for you.

    This matter needs to be discussed openly among you your DH ans ILs.

    Hope this helps:thumbsup
     
  8. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    I second Deep. The matter will be resolved only if you keep a maid and/or babysitter. You need to convince your DH on this.

    Why does he think that he's pushing his parents 'that much'. It is simple, either they (in-laws) do the house work and care for the baby or you do it. You can not do it because of the job. So the only option is they should do it or let any maid do it. There is no 'pushing' in this.

    I think, your in-laws are unnecessarily creating a fuss on keeping a maid as they actually want you to leave the job. They might be thinking that you'll be tired of managing house and job and baby alone then will leave the job eventually.

    Anyways, discuss this matter with DH, appoint a maid and explain her (maid) in private about the complaining nature of the ILs. This will give the maid some background and frame of mind to accept their possible bad-mouthing, so lesser chances of maid leaving the job prematurely :)

    and last but not the least...stop worrying about 'what if they fall ill due to your actions'...whatever you are doing is in best interest of the peace of the house, you DH and child, so no blame to you if they are misinterpreting...in my opinion, nothing will happen to them (I've seen such people who use their ill-health as a weapon, sympathy gainer, threat and what not)....

    ~S.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Allie,

    I can understand your pain and MIL also exactly same like your MIL.She doens't like any maids works in home.Basically they can't trust other people.

    How far from your office to your in-laws house.How far your husband office from your office.

    I would suggest these things.

    Either take seperate house near to your parents and ask your husband stay with you whenever he can and take care of his parents whenever they needed and you can visit them during the week end and tell him that you can't take that abuse anymore.

    Do your laws own a house?If not ,see is there any chance you can rent two appartments in the same complex near to your work place and both can live independently and the son is available to them.Again tell them clearly that you can't sit and cook for them and they need to start adjusting and start hiring some maid.
     
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Allie,
    You have to take action on your own otherwise nothing will happen.
    • Rent an apartment very close to inlaws.
    • Hire a maid/nanny for inlaws house.(they will crib but tell DH this has to happen).
    • Ask DH to come live with you.Every evening ask him to stop by to talk to them.
    • Every Sunday visit for lunch.
    Just waiting for something to happen will not help.If they are sick and you are close by then you all can rush to them.

    Think about this and take affirmative action.
    FL
     

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