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I Am Confused..need Suggestions

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety2016, Nov 5, 2021.

  1. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Hope you are doing good. We are planning to drop my daughter (5 yrs) at my parent's place for 2 months. I am very scared and confused all the times of late. My MIL was with us for few months and will be leaving to her daughter's place for few months.

    That was when I got the shock that my H's office is opening up. This means, with the creches still closed in my area, I will have no one to take care of my daughter (H was working from home since covid began and he took care of daughter while I was at work. After MIL came, she took care of her.) H suggested that may be we should leave the kid with my parents for a while. My H, though he will also miss daughter says that we should plan for some vacation for which I am not very inclined since our daughter will not be a part of it. He is so pissed off with me and says I am very erratic, self centered and unreliable. When we were newly married and had all the time of our life he never planned anything due to various issues in the household. I now have become thick skinned and would love to go out either solo or with my daughter once she grows up due to all the accumulated resentment. He always feel I don't give him any attention and keeps pointing it out every now and then. My daughter is more close to me and he is also sometimes jealous of our bond... I have my own reasons as to why I am not head over heels in love with him..

    My parents are more than happy to have their grand daughter at home. How should I prepare myself and my daughter for this first separation ever since her birth? How to deal with this complaining H of mine?
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    At 5years age leaving for 2 months looks okay if explained to your kid that you will be back and sending her to grandparents to spend time over there, so it will be special time for her. It depends on kids personality some are brave to leave parents for a while some are not, you will know if you talk to her.

    How about her school?
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2021
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  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Finest Post Winner

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    First of all, your 5 year old will be fine with the grandparents. As long as you keep contact via electronics or even visit, it would be a nice experience for your kid.

    Now, the part that actually worries me, is the relationship you have with your husband. It looks like he wants to emotionally connect with you and be with you - which are absolutely natural and good things for a husband to do. And you prefer to avoid him. Do you want to work on your marriage and relationship with him? Do you use your child as a way to avoid him?

    I will tell you plainly, your kid might not understand this now (and its normal to her right now), but as she gets older, it will affect her life. As parents you should be modeling a good relationship and you should not be using your kid as a way to cope. I'm sorry to say things so bluntly, but I really hope you understand how important it is for children to see their parents in a healthy relationship.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The early years of marriage can be filled with unpleasant memories for many women. It can be due to interference from in-laws, husband who won't handle his parents properly, unromantic husband or a combination of similar factors. These memories can come back to haunt the women even 10-15 years into the marriage. When life is running fine -- own a house, kid(s) in school, doing well at work ... those ugly memories rear their head. The heart wants some acknowledgement for the hurt it suffered. It feels unfair to simply have to move on.

    But you have to, should try to. Your husband looked after your child while WFH. Your MIL looked after her for few months. Your husband is fine with leaving your child with your parents. Your husband wants to go on a vacation with you. These four are positives worth counting.

    You have to do it for your daughter. You have to move past the accumulated resentment.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If you don't want to send your daughter to your parents house, you can manage her by arranging a nanny during daytime or sending her to daycare. Is she attending any school now? What about that?

    If your parents can manage her and your dh agrees with that you don't have to worry much. She will be fine. But, explain to her the reason, situation and how will you stay in touch etc.. If your parents are not healthy to manage her, go for a nanny ( I did it long back for one month. We hired a girl to keep our kids busy and safe. She also helped them to learn native language. Kids enjoyed their stay too. )

    Your dh & marriage: if there is any abuse, addiction or adultery, my reply will be different. I guess, its other issues that couples usually face in an Indian marriage.

    But, you need to ask what you want? Is there any truth in his complaints? Do you want to live in the past or in the present. You cant reverse your past. Its irreversible. Living with resentment is actually harmful to you than others.

    Whatever may be your problems, your dh took a positive step. Instead of showing his ego or go for passive aggressive ways, he told you what he is missing. That's a big step. Not many do that. He said you are not giving him attention, instead of seeking it outside( like some other guys). My guess is that you didn't get a closure for many other issues. So use this chance. Instead of fighting, try to convey your thoughts in a non-confrontational way.

    Its important to listen to the complaints of spouse, evaluate and introspect instead of ignoring or putting them down. Emotional safety is very important in marriage. But if we don't give any value, we reach a point where there is no option to return.

    Its a great opportunity for both of you to spend time together, bring up the spark back , go for a second honey moon, open your mind, clear the air, forgive past and solve conflicts. An opportunity for better bonding. But you are denying that. Your kid needs a good example of marriage & happy parents. So try one more time. Look at his positives if any. If I remember correctly he supported you for your higher education, hope that's progressing well. I agree both of you need to work on marriage. But do your part when he is trying to make it work. Once your bond is strong, you will feel more confident in this relationship. If not, it will gradually become a toxic relationship and you both will be like housemates than DH & DW. Prevention is better.

    Choice is yours : you can live in the past, in anger, resentment etc. and spoil your present or future or make use of the new opportunity that on your door step. No one is perfect. Every one have one or other problems. Its important to be practical and look at the larger picture & improve present than focusing on issues that are done or you have no control. My suggestion is to give value to his proposal, try to spend time together and improve your marriage and it will help your daughter too. At least you will have the satisfaction that you tried and it will give you clarity on the next step you need to take.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2021
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