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I am confused, hurt & angry

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonusun, May 5, 2010.

  1. sonusun

    sonusun New IL'ite

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    thanks for your inputs
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
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  2. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    You go to your mom's house with kids and then you feel your H is all love for his family. Ok..Theres no other way to out this.

    You deprive his parents their share of their grandkids time, your husband does not say anything to do about this - and then you ask if you have to suck this up?

    Just look at the words you choose - " Next trip to India is planned and as usual H is all love for his family" - So are you saying that you don't have any love for your family or is it wrong to have all love for his family ? What are you trying to tell us here? " He says he misses his family and spends max time with them" - What is wrong with this also?

    Your BIL may have been upset about you hardly visiting them with your kids. Have your ever thought about that? YES - He does not have the right to be rude to you, but you also do not have the right to deprive them of their brother's kids relationship. If you want to have a talk with them, you should be prepared to accept your side of mistake here and if they point this out, do you have a solid answer to give them why you do this?

    Your husband accepts to all your India plans and does not disturb you at all when your parents get all the time with you and grand kids and you still do not talk to your husband, call him unfair and be angry with him and ask us if you need to suck it up? I think you should be blissful. JMO
     
  3. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Try to visit your BIL's house and try spending time with them even if you dont like it.
    Also make a visit to your MIL's place and spend some time together with them all.
     
  4. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Can we be fair here?

    Ofcourse from your post:

    (1) Not once has your husband forced you to come visit his family.
    (2) Not once has he forced his kids to leave you and be with him and his family.
    (3) Not once he made an issue of his wife talking away his kids to her mom's place.
    (4) Not once has he brought all the above as an issue to his wife
    (5) Handled his family pressure on his own and not bring it out in fights.

    So please enlighten me what you expect this poor man do anymore?

    Did you:

    (1) Initiate implementing a common vacation plan, thus the family (as whole) spend in both places?
    (2) Talk to your husband if there is anything you can do to help him fight his family's non-acceptance?
    (3) Took the step of mending this strained relationship?

    You have so many flaws in you as well, lady and be blessed that your husband is not a monster like so many we see in other threads here. Be happy for what he is and if you respect him and love him, you know what you got to do.
     
  5. sonusun

    sonusun New IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies ..........all of you rock.
    just a few clarifications......
    I used to spend equal time at inlaws place with kids but reduced it to a few days in last trip.......coz lot of issues, name calling etc
    this trip too dh taking kids to his parental house for 15 days.........so kids can get to know his side of family but they usually ignore the kids ,dont talk lovingly, play or spend time with kids.
    I am the onle who always take initiative to go to india etc. Its been less than a year since our last trip.........I have been pushing husband for our trip next month.
     
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    What exactly did your BIL say to you??

    Your OP is quite biased. I am just being honest here. As others have pointed out, your husband is not forcing you to be with his family or siblings or forcing you to leave the boys with them. Be glad for that.

    Let him be 'full of love' for his family, you be 'full of love' for your own. If you want to spend your vacations together, then do not go to India!!! There is no way that you can all spend time together there, as the hostility you all feel for each other is quite evident from your OP.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    sonusun,

    I do have similar kind of in-laws in india.If I were you,I would leave my husband happily with his family and I take care of my own business.
    Anyhow we spend together in our own house.So why not leave them alone when we are in india trip.
    But I don't go aften to india trips.You know you can't change them then why do you need fight?
     
  8. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok, kudos to you...

    But still you did not answer my question ;-) What is that you are expecting of him? What will make you happy?:hide:
     
  9. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    sonu,

    me too in a similar situation. But I would strongly recommend 'let go and live happily'. They spend few weeks in a year with their family and just let them be. Men may not express like we do but just like us they too would desire to have some fun time with their parental home, isn't it? If your children are grown up enough to ask for things they want, then just trust their father and leave them at their paternal grandparents' home. Your husband too has responsibility of their well being. I'm not saying this is very easy for a mother, i've 2 kids and i do this with heavy heart. But my husband too has rights over his kids and it's only natural that he wants them to spend some time with his extended family.

    I think closer to going home time all past wounds are resurfacing. Did your husband whole-heartedly accept that you need not visit his home anymore? If not it'll not hurt to have a one-on-one talk with him and understand what his feelings are. Put aside what your BIL said, what your MIL feels etc., focus on what you and your husband want from this trip. And never a trip to India is a joint holiday. so also put that thought aside.

    See basically we cannot change the way others think, act. We can only learn to filter out what is essential, what can be discarded and what is bearable for the companion's sake. only you know what all happened in these 10 years and you're the best judge.

    Latha
     
  10. sonusun

    sonusun New IL'ite

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    Hi Nandu,
    in the past I have tagged along with him......be it to his bros place, sis, parents etc. but one time I got so sick......I was bedridden when at his parents place.......my kids were babies, first one 14 months & second one 3 months old........I was sick as a dog( viral fever, stomach flu).noone including him even bothered to feed or take care of babies, with extreme difficulty I hardly remember what I did, what I fed them & how I fainted etc. his house was filled with 2 SILs families, BILs, MIL etc.......
    add to the above they all were taunting dh had married a physically weak person(me)
    I know he will never change(I am always second class citizen for him) but constantly being reminded of it is what killing me....

    You ladies are right........knowing it is fire(I mean going to india) I should reduce the frequency........sometimes I think I am really dimwitted......my confidence has certainly taken a big blow(ofcourse I am myself responsible for it I guess)
    Thanks again
     

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