I am a tough nut

priyasoundar · Mar 10, 2015

Dear Sweetest Shweta ,

Really very very thanx for ur inspirational thaught ...after reading this ,now i feel better and relaxed ...thanq friend

curiousgals78 · Oct 18, 2016

so nice and refreshing to read this Swetha.Good luck to you always

blessings1010 · Nov 8, 2016

sweetestshweta said: ↑

Hi lovely ladies..
I am back after a long hiatus. Have to share a lot with you all.Gave birth to a beautiful and healthy child.
And i am enjoying motherhood to the hilt(except a few episodes inserted by MIL/SIL)..
As expected and warned by you all,my MIL did create problems for me especially post partum.
Didn't help me even a bit rather behaved like a satellite all the time.First month was bad.I was weak and physically vulnerable.She made snide remarks about my body.She didn't help me at all with the chores.Rather she would watch TV in my room whole day.I was sleep deprived and tired.

But I was prepared.Thanks to IndusLadies,I was already prepared.
I feel wonderful.Now I already know who will do what next and so,I am prepared with my strategy.
I am in a better position now and I am a lot more happy to have command over my life.
I know I was baffled when I joined this forum.I didn't know what was happening and why was not I able to tackle all that.I felt my DH was drifting apart from me.And when I posted my problem in this forum,except a few of you,everyone blasted me(Don't blame you all-maybe I couldn't explain well)

I am more mature now and I understand that people here try to understand and empathise and suggest solutions but not every solution will work for everyone.We have to customise the solutions our way.I took the driving wheel in my my hand and I am happy today.Atleast I am in a position to take calls and have a say.I am closer to my DH and there is no disconnect with him.We don't fight or argue at all.And best part is-MIL and SIL now very well know that they cannot create any differences between both of us and that my opinion and stand matter!!
I took it as a challenge-like some assignments we do.Taking it as a game.I divide it in rounds like in a boxing ring-it helps me to be focussed and deal more objectively.
I would like to post some strategies I adopted-

1.Never get angry
Initially I used to get angry a lot and there was a strong urge to give it back there and then.So much so that in one argument I actually told my DH-"So you think your mom and sis are the best in the world!!Huh!!"(Oops that hurt him a lot)
The battle is lost once you are angry.You speak nonsense and the issue is inflated to an unmanageable level.
I adopted a new strategy-Be quiet. Whenever DH and I have a disagreement or I anticipate an argument,I simply become quiet. Initially he used to be confused,then he started respecting that I don't want to escalate matters and now,he really becomes sad when I am in this mode as this is not my natural self.
Eg.My mom wanted to talk to him from a few days but he was busy.Although he talked to his own mom and sis daily.So,I went in silence mode.He got it really soon and bang-next thing he did was call my mom.
It actually has reduced our arguments so much.
And I realised-we have NO disagreements or points of contention except MIL and SIL.We are so so happy when their issues are absent.

2.Be Diplomatic
Try to see through the games MIL/SIL play.I noticed that they are so lovey dovey in front of me and my DH-always sugar coated talks,inquiring about my family,showing false care,appreciating me etc. But they are full of venom inside. And when alone with DH or talking to him over the phone,they'll frame words in such a manner that it just doesn't look that they are creating any scuffle or bitching about me.
I am trying to be diplomatic(its very very difficult) and I try to phrase my feelings in such a manner that it doesn't seem I am complaining about MIL/SIL to him.
Eg."Your mom is so innocent.She keeps on asking how much do my parents earn.She doesn't know how bad and creepy it might look to others".

3.Never criticise In laws in front of DH
Believe me,your husband just plays ignorant in case of his family.He knows how his relatives are(maybe he doesn't know about little incidents of their meanness).He knows nature of his mom etc.But he only plays ignorant so that it doesn't look bad to others and then,wives would get an open chance to criticise them.

In my case,I used to blabber against his mom and sis as I thought he doesn't know their nature but when I stopped criticising them,I noticed that he is more frank with me now.When he knows that you aren't against them he'll open up to you.
Criticising will only make him defensive and he'll create an unpermeable wall around him.
My MIL is very dominating and she just doesn't like if someone doesn't do things her way.
One day,my DH actually came and told me-"why is mummy so adamant?Always trying to boss around? She is after my life to lend money to this relative whom I don't want to?"
Well,I was surprised and elated. But,following this rule,I controlled my strong urge to contribute to this lest he goes into his shell again..After all,I want many more occasions like this.

4.Be Busy or look busy
I left the job due to child birth and i noticed that if you look idle,firstly,MIL/SIL will try to drag you in their day to day politics and secondly,you'll actually keep going down in the bottomless pit of depression caused by them.
Even if you aren't very busy,it should seem to them that you don't have time.Follow that hobby of yours,go to gym,decorate your house,read books,catch up with friends or start surfing net.
It certainly uplifts your mood but it also irritates them that their tantrums and mind games are all wasted as you don't have time. Even your hubby will start missing you.He'll become extra loving for you.
In my case,I had all day because I left my job for a while to take care of kid.So,I joined a gym to take care of my extra flab after delivery. Then I had child to take care of whole day. I also got in touch with old friends-something I wanted to do for so long.I started cooking-which I didn't like earlier but I started doing it firstly,for the child and secondly,to break the self proclaimed monopoly of MIL.My DH was quite surprised.
I joined a dance class too-this left me with no time for BS by MIL/SIL.And frankly speaking,I had less time for DH too.This made him miss me and since I have less time for him now,he looks forward to spend time with me.
And there I was earlier,running behind him for his time.I am enjoying this for sure
.

5.Enjoy you life
We get to live only once.I was always a very spirited and free girl who was full of energy but MIL/SIL and their never ending issues actually reduced me to a sulking female who was so stressed and who stopped enjoying life.Anyone who knew me could tell the difference.
I decided to give a damn to everything and everyone.I was here to enjoy my life,I worked so hard to reach this position.True,I loved my husband so much but how could I allow one relation to change me upside down!!
Everything was taking so much toll on me that I was once on medication!!This is not simply me!!
So,I started cherishing-TV,friends,pregnancy,talking to my parents,
reading,gym,going to parlour etc etc.
When my husband was travelling-I visited and partied with my friends and returned late night.This gave me double pleasure-enjoying with friends and also enjoying the look on my MIL's face when I returned(As though she swallowed a rat!!):eek
(Point numbers 4 & 5 will help you in 6th point)

6.Ignore
The person who coined this term must have been a genius.Ladies on this forum advise us always to adopt this but I could never do that.MIL and SIL always kept my mind occupied and haunted so much all the time that I could not think of anything else.
But once you master the art of ignoring,life becomes so easy.It is very tough but once you start ignoring a person,it irks him/her so much.
Points 4 & 5 helped me in this. Whenever my MIL/SIL want to go shopping or somewhere else,I tell that I am busy.
In my case it has been of great help-Firstly,it saves my sanity.
Secondly,it saves my money(obviously I have to pay when I am with them),
Thirdly,I actually detest their company(who wants to be with nerds!!).
Fourthly,they manage to angry me every single time(they keep scrutinising me,or want to buy same thing as me,or raise an issue which I don't like).
Fifthly,it tells them that I am Super busy and I don't have time for them.
This stresses them out.When they are stressed and you are unaffected,they start behaving weirdly and act stupid which exposes them in front of DH.Like my MIL in a fit of rage said to my DH-"your wife is these days not giving any time to you.She is always out or on phone.You should control her". Now,my DH gave a shocked look(as my MIL otherwise was always sweet remember?) and said-"why shouldn't she enjoy her life and why should I control?What is your problem with her?"(Oh..I so much love him for this)

7.Take charge of your life,house and KITCHEN
I don't know why did I let others to decide in my house.When I was at home,I noticed my MIL was deciding everything-servants were taking commands from her and she somehow was establishing her supremacy.
It surely took me some time but I set things right.The maid who was closest to her and who gossiped a lot about me with her,I scolded her 2-3 times for her mistakes initially and then threw her out.This sent a strong message and now,no one dares talk to her about me.My instructions are the most important.
And ladies,I know that cooking is a bane for most of us but you have to take charge of it.People like my MIL have their lives centred around kitchen.And people like my DH are diehard fans of momma's kitchen.My MIL has the capacity to even extract praises from rocks and dead people. And the way to a man's heart and purse definitely goes through his stomach!!
I don't like cooking myself but I tried my hand at it.It is not tough at all.If we can handle annual targets,bad bosses and tough schedules,we definitely can cook. DH would love you for this.And you don't have to turn into Tarla Dalal.You just have to cook a few dishes and you'll see-MILs will turn into such insecure maniacs like mine did.She would do everything to keep you away from kitchen!!
I cook a few times and this has shattered her culinary supremacy.I love this!!
And I love recipes on net and google for sure:yes:

8.Compromise to an extent
Compromise on small things-which don't affect you.Like when Dh wants you to do something,visit some relative,go to his place before yours,taking his mom to a doctor etc
In my case,my biggest problem was-shelling out money for SIL-sending monthly money,gifting her,buying gadgets and stuff for her house,taking them for holidays,buying stuff for her kids and all.
I gave a deep thought-I realised I was comfortable in giving a monthly amount as duty.Over and above that,I would buy gifts whenever I liked.But more than that would surely upset me.
I always wanted my DH to sit with me and decide this issue and also communicate this to MIL/SIL.Naturally,it never happened.DH would never decide on this nor MIL/SIL let this happen because it'll tie their purses and hands!!
So,I parted with this idea to arrive at a conclusion collectively and I now take things on case to case basis.I left the job for a while,so we were in financial constraints and hence,now whenever SIL/MIL would pressurise for more money/shopping,I start crying and cribbing over inflation,single income,expenses of child etc.So,they have lost all hopes from me.
When they talk to DH,he half of the time gives in initially-only to be reminded by me in a polite manner that we have a kid now and I am not working anymore.Rest half of the times,when he refuses,MIL and SIL get agitated and they show their rage and frustration to DH,who obviously didn't know this side of theirs earlier.
So,its a win win situation for me!!
Although sometimes,I still get angry that SIL is just sitting at home and enjoying,not doing anything.But,I understand that since I can't do anything about it,I better keep quiet.
I'll get a chance someday to do something about this.

9.Never praise MIL/SIL
It might have worked for some and people advise it here on this forum too.But it backfired for me bigtime.I praised not so praiseworthy MIL and SIL in front of DH-their cooking skills,their ways to raise children,their hardships and what not.It didn't do any good rather the monsters kept gaining size and mass.So whenever there was any problem,DH thought I must be the culprit as after all I myself agreed that they were so good.Foot in my mouth!!:notthatway:
Praising your enemy is a big No No..Ever seen Shahrukh praising Salman??

10.Pregnancy and post partum days
Well,this is the toughest time for us.Its the most enjoyable phase which is turned into the most saddening and frustrating phase by ILs. We are vulnerable physically,mentally and emotionally.And people like my MIL would make the most out of it.I can never forgive her remarks("oh,you are so fat.Ewww you have a terrible belly button.Your tummy is so unshapely.You have such big nipples!!)
She never gave us any privacy and never let me be alone even with the doctor!!
But since I was prepared and I was strong,I didn't let her overpower me or stress me out.I sometimes gave it back_"oh mummyji.You look at me so intensely.I feel embarrassed". I even told my DH-"your mom makes me feel as though I am being scrutinised by a guy on the first nightgigglingsmiley"
My MIL had won the initial round.She had already decided and declared that she'll be here with us for delivery.Taking a clue from you all,I didn't call my mother at the same time.My family came after a month and showered all my ILs-MIL,SIL,BIL,CO sis,DH,me,kid,everyone with lots of gifts and gold.I never used to think on materialistic terms but somehow,it gave me a pleasure to see the overawed face of my MIL. I can never forget the dirty,selfish "give me back my jewellery episode" by MIL.
I went with them for a month to my home to be loved and pampered unconditionally.
But how could I forget the first round defeat at the hands of MIL.So before leaving,I told DH-"Honey you'll be travelling most of the time.How can you leave poor mummyji alone here!!" So,I was the caring and concerned bahu and there she went to SIL:wave
DH missed us a lot and has not stopped pampering after we came back.And MIL is getting to hear all new bahaanas from me to taalofy her arrival..

11.Be strong and be healthy
This is the most important point.This is not a one day battle.You'll have to be really strong.Don't bend so much to please your DH and ILs that they start taking you for granted.Believe me,they are never going to be happy or satisfied.Atleast in my case,I saw that their demands never lessened.Its like-you do A,and they'll be ready with B.You do B,and they'll have C,D and E ready.Its a vicious cycle.

Never give up your self respect and try to solve this tactfully. It gave me a reality check when I conceived-I didnt want my child to see me so weak and feeble.My child should be proud of her strong mother.Come what may,I'll not give up.Remember how it is in school,college or in office-you strive so hard and do everything possible to attain your targets?
So,how could I lose this-the most important battle of my life?How could I let the love of my life,my family and my peace slip away from me because of some stupid gimmicks by these clever ladies?I have to win this battle.I am smart,educated,intelligent.How can they fool me??

But to fight this life long battle,you have to be healthy-healthy in body,healthy in mind and healthy in spirit.Take care of yourself -start exercising,go for walks,go to gym,do yoga,eat healthy,go to parlour.When you look good and confident,you feel like taking every problem head on.
I didn't know how I slipped into depression earlier-I was reduced to a sulking,ever angry,sad female.No more.Yes,they succeeded in their mind games-because their opponent was confused.They had a good advantage and a head start over me because of familiar ground,weapons of tact,sympathy and care but I'll catch up and I'll not let you succeed because I am a tough nut..

Some of you might criticise me for being so cruel or whatever.But I know what my battle is and what my circumstances are.I know only I can help myself.I didn't have anyone to share all this except one good friend and Indusladies.Actually we girls are never taught how to tackle such relatives and we end up being in a tight spot.I have customised my ways to suit my way so that I do not lose myself in all these problems.And you have to be tactful when you have an experienced and clever opponent.
Thanks to Indusladies for giving me insight and reinventing my spirit.
I am happy and life is better now..
Click to expand...

Thank you for writing this. It is a great help for me now, as I am spending few sleep less nights over the upcoming visit to ILs. Point nos 1,2,3, 4,5, 6 and 8 should be my mantras for this visit. Thanks a million !!!!!!

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I am a tough nut

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