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I’ll Gift You But Only If You Gift Me First Relationship..?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Patientone, May 17, 2021.

  1. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    What kind of relationship is this or what is it called?

    I always hear...I have to gift so and so this because they gifted me so and so...

    particularly with my in-laws...my brother in law will tell us so and so from his wife’s family gifted his son this that the other (why would you taunt your brother)...yet we are the ones that always give things first...we give it on their birthday their kids birthday and they return the favour...

    I gave birth one month before they had their child...we gifted them things yet they didn’t... we don’t taunt...yet they show us things that they’ve gifted friends...

    I don’t want anything...I just noticed how common it is...sometimes I feel like they only gift things to return the favour...not out of love or not out of the fact that we’re related...it’s sad really...

    I remember giving their son x amount of money and my husbands brother nearly died of panick looking at his wife who ran inside and got the same amount of money to give our daughter it was hilarious...
     
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  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    I understand your point. I feel the same. My inlaws were those cunning people who expected their son's wife's parents are entitled to gift them all life. Once my MIL taunted me after my father's visit to my home that he came empty handed to his daughter's marital home! Bullsh!t. After few such incidents, I had it enough and felt if I ignore it or brush it off, this is gonna continue all life till they are alive.
    So, one day I dared to tell her on face that my father is not an ATM machine. If you want things, buy yourself. If you canr earn and buy for yourself, don't ask from other's hard erned money and portray yourself as a beggar.
    She never asked anything post this! It was a risky situation but I had to standup for myself.

    Sameway, there are traditions where husbands sister n her children are to be gifted always by her brother n brother's wife.
    In olden days, these gifting rituals were meant to be a token of love towards the sibling of husband that her position in his house or heart will remain same even if she is not living there. (Eh!).
    The intention might be good as a married sister would feel like an outsider in her brother's home so such gifts would be a taken as a gentle token of love.

    The problem now a days is that this is all converted into show off than genuine intention. I see morher in laws forcing daughter in law n son to gift expensive things to his sibling.
    This causes natural resent in wife who would lookout if the sil is returning gifts or jus its one way passing down of gifts.


    There is no way we can control how others thought process works. We can only choose how we tackle it. I would say if you don't like gifting, dont give. Or if you are forced to gift, gift something small and inexpensive that you don't mind to give qithout any expectations in return.
    If they gift, appreciate it even if you don't like it or find it inexpensive. If they don't gift, its fine too.
     
  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    This thread reminds me of the gifts given away with thamboolam during festival days Like Navarathri, varalaksmi Vrath et al.

    When my mom after return from such visits, unpacked the items received and displayed. She was stunned to see few of the gifts received were only what she had given away to her visiting friends!
     
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  4. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    My cosis is the same. They would bring us some stuff when they come here for vacation. We dont even ask them to get anything for us. Thats nice of them. Usually what they gift is some toy to my dd, few chocolates and some cosmetic to me.
    Two years back, my cosis said that she liked the home wear of mine. As a simple gesture I got the same kind of dresses to her. She asked me how much it costed so that she can pay me money. I simply said if that was the case I wouldnt have brought it at all. Immediately next day she goes to shop and bought a dress and gifted me. I asked her why as there is no occasion. She said that she went for shopping so she bought. Then only I understood that its a exchange for what I gave. And this happened many times again and again. We buy something for their boy and then immediately something is given to my dd. At one point I got irritated and felt enough is enough
     
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  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    It has become inevitable in this society that if you celebrate others’ special days or other days the giftees have to have the headache of remembering others’ special days of celebration and that time they have to by way of reciprocation handover gifts small or big or huge or heavy depending upon one’s wherewithal. This practice continued for momentary happiness in the society.

    In order to reciprocate at the right moment, one has to tag the useless gifts received already with name of the person from whom it is received so that it is not returned to the same person from whom it was received.
     
  6. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    She sees your "gift" as "debt".

    If I were you, I would gift things with love and just ignore their "motives" of gifting. Just choose to be a bigger person.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2021
  7. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I would request you, to not get upset and instead try to speak with her.

    As a child I have seen all the relations were materialistic if we give, we get respect if not the relatives (maternal side and paternal side) dont even bother to speak or even see us. Which included my fathers parents, as a result I never got any love or know my relatives.

    Only my mom's mother loved and cared about me, it was never any monetary relation eg she prepared pickels, told stories etc but never got any kind of care from father side as they didnt liked the gifts my father gave.

    Today I am 36 yrs old anyone gives me gifts. Its not a debt, but I want to preserve that relation and dont want to spoil it becoz of meare gifts. Even I dont want my kids to face what I went thru.
     
  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    This is not possible. We are not in talking terms now.

    I never considered anything given to me as a debt nor I felt obliged to gift someone just for the sake of formality. The people on the other side felt so.

    On a humorous note, this reminds me of marriages where the brides/grooms families make a note of gifts received so that they would repay them worth the same amount when occasion comes :)
     
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