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hypocritic MIL and my unforgettable pains

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rathix, May 28, 2010.

  1. rathix

    rathix New IL'ite

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    Hello ILs,

    Thanks for your patience to go thru others issues and provide wise advice.

    I do need a piece of it due to a complex situation.

    My MIL appears very nice in first impression to anyone, very friendly sweet talk etc. But after 10 yrs of being married, I do know how much of a drama she does. There are many but here are a few bothering me. Given that my in laws are here in US now and with a husband who is very stubborn to process GC for them, here are my issues -

    1. My MIL keeps saying she and her daughter and 'their' family are very simple people and they do not have any interest in dressing up. She tries to dress up with the next generation jewellery for my friends parties in US and also applies makeup. If this contradiction is not enough, in the past she has told me when I applied lip balm that am using lipstik and is damaging their reputation of being simple. When I dressed up for my BIL wedding with a traditional saree and jewellery that ' a girl in abroad was raped when she was dressed like you'. I was offended by both these situations , did not say anything back then. Told husband about both, he heard of one from his mom(lipstik) , he heard of the second purely from me as MIL told that when only I and her were present. But no reaction from hubby. Says ignore such comments. I told him I would not bother if either she dresses up and does not say contradicting things that she is simple , or if she does not comment on me. But being so hypocritic is bothering me and how could she say such rude things like being 'raped'. This has happened before 5 years, but its painful memory for me and makes me get irritated every time I see her wearing latest trends that her next generation is using. My husband only recently tells me that he will work with her mistakes slowly , as he wants to take care of them in this country. Given this, I want to let her comments be made aware to both my husband and my FIL and that she is playing a drama as very good with them while she is continuing to spend on her maintenance and has tried to project myself as bad before them. These things may not appear as big for men, but I want to let my husband realize that her comments were painful to me and she is being hypocritic, while I want my FIL to understand that whatever bad she could have told about me may not be true as she herself is contradicting. So the next time I see her wearing the next generation jewellery, I do want to state these things she said to me when hubby, FIL are present and also state that I would not have bothered if she dressed up according to her wish, but her comments on herself and me is the problem. Also my SIL has quoted the rape incident too, but she said be careful when you go home late from work, her comment was much reasonable and I do want to quote to hubby am fine with her comment. Pls. suggest if stating this while everyone is present and asking for justification is fine? Just to let you know it has been bothering me. I feel this is one way to ask out and then forget about her dressing.

    2. My BIL is a divorcee. Before he was married, there was a frnd of me who was eligible for him per my other frnds but I never brought it up to BIL or in laws due to few reasons. On the other hand the same girl was quoted by another family frnd of my FIL and I was at in laws home then. I told them only after this was brought up by others, that I was under opinion this girl was not ready to leave abroad and also that by nature she is a very good girl. My MIL said she has neither money nor relatives. Who will marry such a girl except from us (here she was referring to my case) and we do not want to do it again. This again was a comment from her when I was alone. I just kept quiet and did not reply back. After my BIL got married to a diff girl and when it was divorced (partly due to MIL here) , in that vulnerable moment my BIL told me that 'my mom told my ex wife that since they did not accept the girl that was proposed by you for me, you ended up being angry with my ex wife' I was shocked and asked BIL who was staying in our home a couple of years by then, do you think that is true? he said I know you never told me about such alliance so I think its what my mom is saying. Hubby was listening to BIL, told me ignore it ppl will pay for what they do. But he has not asked her anything about it neither did he ask her why she made such rude comment that I do not have either money or relatives. Just to let you know am a qualified mgr inUS and have been working consistently. Should I put up with her such comments in the past and still let her go with a green card? As such I do want to state this entire episode as well to my FIL so atleast he can understand and may be I can say it when MIL and hubby are around and ask for justice.

    Hubby plays very safe. He tells me , you go ahead and ask my mom all that you want to. He tells me most times ignore it. He tells me this is your home. But on the other hand he wants to make sure everything is perfect for his mom and tells her to feel 'very free' at our home. I am losing the trust on him that he simply wants to avoid conflicts and let them be resolved by time or by us but is ok with me getting a bad name before them. So I want some advise on how to handle thse wise so ppl do understand my pain. If she was straight forward and if I had to all the work at home, I would not have mind to keep her with me. Like for ex., my own parents are aged but I know there is no political issue with them. But MIL simply drives me crazy. Pls adbise on these, btw I do have few more painful experiences but quoted the first 2 bothering ones right now. :bonk
     
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  2. Induvadana

    Induvadana New IL'ite

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    rathix,

    1. ILs greencard and their behaviour with you are not connected. It is natural for your DH to want to take care of them.

    2. Instead of fucussing on making her pay for her past rudeness. Focus on making them understand that her insensitive comments hurt you and she must not do so in future.

    3. IMO, your DH is not the problem. He is not taking taking sides as it will only complicate the relationship between him and his mom. He has no problem if you deal with her. Infact this is what I did. I told mu DH we can risk my relationship with ILs but it is better DH has good relationship. I too had similar probs with ILs. I used to keep quite when ILs make comments, I used to tell my DH how I am going to deal with the situation and then talk to my ILs and explain my differences to them after my DH says fine with him. I used to take care not focus on accusing but on how I would like them to let me know their concerns. I used to make sure to let them know we all are on one side. It is not me VS them kind of thing.

    4. Talking to her about past comments infront of everyone is going to put her on defense. IMO, it is not helpful in rectifying your problem.

    5. Please forget the past comments and all other details. Your problem is that she makes insensitive comments , focus on making sure, she will not do so in future. If you tell your DH that you need his help in maikng sure that these incidents won't repeat in futrure so that their stay will be smooth. I strongly feel he will come up with some suggestions.
     
  3. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Agreed that your MIL has a long and sharp tongue but wearing next gen jewelery can be really ignored I feel. If it bothers you that much, then you should casually slip into a conversation that being simple is not equal to wearing next gen jewels.

    My MIL used to brag that she never serves leftovers, when I went to her place during an India trip, she actually did do that, so I casually told in front of DH and FIL, "Is that curry from yesterday, oh.. I thought you always made fresh ones" in a cool tone. Everybody else didnt think anything big of it, but MIL knew exactly that it was an attack on her and stopped the bragging.So learn to stand up and point out stuff thats bothering you or else people would take you for granted and brag all sorts of crap. Or do the age old thing IGNORE.Since u are bothered so much, better let it out.

    I never support joint family system, so try to rationalize with dh and stop that decision. How about them just visiting once a year ? Having relatives at a distance is the best thing for a relationship to flourish. Bringing relatives to live under one roof is a recipe for disaster.

    Ask your DH whether he will live with a person who is always saying rude things about him ?
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010

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