Husband's sexual orientation

Lakshmi,

Now this is bizarre! There are people who visit **** sites, and I don't think its a mistake!!! It depends on each individual. Now if ur hubby wants u to cane him becoz he made the mistake of visiting a **** site, NOW THAT IS BIZARRE!

Wake up dear, u need to take him to a counsellor!

 

ANK has perfectly put it... Wake up, sweetie !!!

As mika said.. you can get help from a counselor....

Kavya... its not the position dear.. Remember Kamasutra is from India and westerns follow that ..so thats not the issue here ...........please try to see the bigger picture...

 

To the OP, Laxmi of this thread:

I ran across this thread while searching for something else but the topic definitely intrigued me as it pertains a lot to my lifestyle so I thought I can offer some input on this subject as I have first hand experience as well as background in psychology. I realize the topic is a bit old since its inception and I apologize in advance if I unearthed a buried topic LOL

A little introduction about myself before we delve into the subject matter. I am 28 yrs old and live in UK and married for a little over 3 years. I am not sure if I would fit the mold of a traditional Indian girl as I grew up most of my life in the US, Australia and UK and nor are me and my husband married in arrangement but what is relevant here is we both(me & husband) are of Indian ethnicity so I can relate to your plight a little bit. On to the subject now...

First of all, there is nothing unusual or alarming about your husband's 'sexual orientation' as you put it and I would assume he is still a heterosexual male (and correct me if I am wrong) LOL. Yes, he has sexual fantasies that may come across to you as deviant from the norm and what you may have been taught as normal for a husband or partner but in reality this is not uncommon and many men, regardless of their ethnicity or nationality have these fantasies like for example in your case the b/d and d/s desires. I heartily applaud your husband for bringing this up with you and being straight with you and giving you the opportunity to be the woman of his fantasies. Trust me, many men would not do this and would rather be sexually repressed or seek outlets for their fantasies elsewhere and lead a bifurcated lifestyle. The fact that your husband communicated his fantasies to you says a lot about his character and integrity and that is the right approach in any relationship. Now the ball is in your court, so to speak metaphorically. You can hit the ball back in two different ways.
a) Think of your husband as some kind of freak or pervert and think there is something wrong with him and seek all sorts of distracting help which will not address the crux of the matter. Trust me, your husband's fantasies are not going away anywhere, anytime soon and if you won't enact his fantasies he will find ways and outlets to satisfy his needs without your knowledge. Personally this would be the worst approach you can take to address this issue

b) Appreciate your husband's honesty and his expressing his desire to you to be part of his fantasy and be his woman of his sexual fantasies. Make an earnest and sincere effort to try first hand to see if you want to be part of his sexual fantasies and make up your mind after the fact that you have tried them, not have prejudiced or coloured opinions of them without even attempting them. You will have to get past the archetypal images of a husband that may be ingrained in you to do this. His fantasies are not out of the blue and nor are they cause for any concern. This would be the right approach to make your relationship healthy and open. Sex is a very vital part of a relationship and your partner not sexually desiring you is a big red flag in a relationship.

On to my personal story in the realm of b/d and d/s in our relationship, six months into our marriage (we did date and knew each other for a year and a half before marrying), my husband expressed desires to explore b/d and d/s in our marriage and communicated his submissive desires. Being educated and sexually open minded as I am, I appreciated his candor and willing to try and indulge him. I did not have any experience in this realm, so I bought and read a lot of books as well as educated myself on the internet. There is plenty of educational material available on this subject in form of books and web material so it should not be very difficult. As we delved deeper in this realm, I discovered that I infact like it very much and I like that fact of being the dominant and in charge in our marital relationship. I also like the fact that I am the woman who my husband fantasizes about than someone I don't know about. This lifestyle has brought a lot of positives and good things in our relationship over the last two plus years.
So in order to give you a brief insight into how our relationship works, we are a normal couple in the eyes of friends and family and what we have between us is just between us and I do not try and display my power over him or who is in charge, except in private moments between us. The way it works is, I have a set of rules we both mutually agreed upon before embarking on this journey of ours and they dictate the acceptable behaviour and the responsibilities in our relationship. If he violates any of the rules or displeases me in other ways or shirk his part of the household responsibilities (which we share equally), he will deserve a punishment from me and the severity of the punishment is proportional to the infraction he commited and eventhough I try and give him other punishments besides corporal punishment, CP is the main and invaluable part of the punishment. When I am displeased with his behavior or his truancy and laziness, I calmly tell him that he will be punished and what his punishment is going to be and what time he is going to get it. 10 minutes before the punishment time, he has to get in his punishment attire (yes, we have a standard attire for his punishments) and go to the study, get my implements and lay them on the desk and wait for me. As for implements, we have a very good selection of them in tawses, straps, wooden rulers and a few equestrian whips but nothing strikes fear into him as much as my selection of rattan canes. My selection of rattan canes will put a Victorian era strict headmistress to shame LOL. Bottoms and top of the thighs are the only places you can punish and you should never, ever even think about another area of the body for punishments. An occasional rap with the ruler or the strap on the hands is ok but apart from that, just the bottoms and upper thighs are the only areas you should deliver punishments. Once I am done telling him off and explain why he is being punished, I signal to him to assume his position and he is not to move or flinch during the punishment and he should count and thank me after each stroke and ask for the next. I adopted this ritual from the traditional English school punishments when CP was in vogue in british schools. Once I am thru punishing him, I'll make him stand up with the hands above his head and make him stand or kneel in the corner for about 15 or 30 min during which he has to refrain from rubbing his bottoms or risk further punishment.
I can tell you that over the past two plus years, we have become a lot closer and have an excellent understanding and communication in our marriage. And here are some of the salient benefits in my marriage because of the d/s relationship.

1)Our sex life is just fabulous. He always makes sure I am sexually pleasured and have a climax every time we have sex and he will strive to be worthy of having sex with me, every single time.
2)His behavior, manners and demeanor are very close to impeccable mainly because I have molded to be so over the past couple of years. My friends and even my parents are very impressed with his manners and politeness and little do they know what I do to achieve these results LOL.
3)He is always attentive to detail when it comes to me and treats me with great respect and love. Our disputes are solved very quickly.


OK so that was quite a long response but here is my take on your situation. You should give a careful consideration and be very open minded when it comes to your husband's sexual desires and fantasies. I can clearly tell you your husband is not possessed by some bad spirits or have a deviant sexual orientation, as you have described. His desires are not very uncommon and many men have these fantasies but sadly very few communicate them to their spouses or take initiatives to do so. Right now, he has communicated his desires to you and its upto you to decide how to go about this. If you have inhibitons or other mental blocks, you need to make an earnest effort to get past those hurdles because when it comes to sexual intimacy, those will not help you much. And contrary to whatever that has been ingrained in you, sexual intimacy is a very vital part of a relationship and if you do not make a sincere effort, you will lose that aspect in your relationship forever and once you do, your marriage is nothing more than a sham or namesake show for others. I do hope you will get past your hurdles and come to a good decision in this regard, whatever that might be.

If you have any questions or anything you want to ask me in this regard you feel not so comfortable to ask in the open, you can PM me and I will be glad to answer your questions or help you. I am fairly knowledgable on this subject and I also have an educational background in psychology (although I am not a professional psychologist) and I will be more than happy to help you in your endeavors, if you do need any help.
Wish you the very best in your sexual and marital life.

-Malavika

 

That was a long post Malavika. Thank you for sharing your intimate details. I'm sure the perspective will be useful to somebody else even if Laxmi doesn't check it again.

 

Thanks illusions. I figured it was a longshot that the OP of the thread is interested in tracking the thread since it is 10 mos old LOL. I do hope my perspective might be of some use to someone if they were in a similar situation. Yeah I know it is long and I realized it after I was done typing it LOL

 

hello folk

huband can be a better option to spell out. any ones perosnality

P=GxE
G menas genitic and e is environment or situation.Genes cannot be manipulated other than any known methods excpet "Clonig".Still scence has not been sure enuf to genticaly create a desirable creature!The human genome projetc is still in infancy.

some of u are right.even me wiht female mannerisms can have a happy married life.I know many of them.They can have sex too.
But certain community hate touching a women.They now are called gays.they simply are not aroused by any physical contacts of women.so they cannot marry and are not supposed to marry.
A mans psychhic approach to woman can also take a situational dimension, his upbringing by a dominat mother or so.But if suck mannerisms take a svere turn a pshologist or counsellor can help.if its occassional u can call it even moody!! Next time he may be OK.one way to dela wiht a submissive husband is to empathise wiht him by trying to dominate.rules of trade!

 

oh sorry folks!!!!
Please see the correction
I have typed "even me" with:bonk female mannerisms.Please read that as men with female mannerisms.

 

Malvika,

I have never ever heard or read of any such kind of sexual orientation. Even with all this media etc.

Anyway, it is amazing how you did not give up your marriage seeing this deviation(if I can use that word) from the conventional behaviour.

My question to you is "Don't you feel sad or mad at yourself for having physically punished your dh"? The reason I am asking you this is myself imagining such a thing. I cannot even slap my children for any mistake they do which for some parents comes quite naturally. I may get mad at my kids but never to the extent as physically punish them. I cannot just do that.
I mean how can you physically punish an adult and that too your dh?
Is it because he wishes and asks for it??
Sometimes even if accidently we hurt someone physically we feel so bad about it but knowing how much it will hurt him how can you do that and keep your mind at peace.
But then again you are the one doing it, so don't you feel guilty after doing it? How do you keep peace of mind knowing you hurt him? If you don't resort to that then he may be hurt because that is what he desires but again can you feel happy and contented after that punishing him??

How do you deal with YOUR feelings after that?? My whole point is how you can be normal after that??
Sorry if I am asking you to share too much. But this is the first time I am coming across something like this and it totally kind of made me restless.




Tara

 

Malvika,

Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I have always wondered.... how do you stop yourself from laughing??? If I were to try that I wouldn't be able to stop laughing, it would seem so funny to me... do you ever have a hard time keeping a straight face?

Also, if you are used to being equal partners (or sometimes even deferring to husband during the day) how do you muster up the experience to act authoratative with him during intimacy? Probably that's what a majority of women reading your story are wondering... Like, a woman who is used to being submisive, will have a hard time suddenly becoming a dominatrix, right?

Jeez, if I had to 'punish' my hubby everytime he didn't do a household chore, he'd be punished like... every day! Towels have been in the dryer for like, 3 days now! :bonk

p.s. I saw something like this on Law & Order!!

 

Malvika,

Even I reacted like ASG. I could not stop laughing imagining my hubby in that position.

I mean, it is so difficult for someone who has been brought up like any other normal girl to do this or more so act like this. Isn't it acting??
I may be mad at my dh, very mad, yell at him, scream and in extreme cases bang the wall or whatever but but doing what you do is unimaginable. Actually, your act is not spontaneous like picking up something and hitting him if you are really that angry and cannot control your temper.

What you are doing is very methodical and planned kind. I mean buying those implements and having them ready........????

ASG, if it is towels in your dryer, it is wet towels on the bathroom floor my side. Each day a fresh towel. Hubby thinks he is a 'maharaja' or what? For a decade now, I could not change him on this.