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Husband's sexual orientation

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by laxmisubra, Mar 23, 2008.

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  1. laxmisubra

    laxmisubra New IL'ite

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    nandhu, thanks for your PM. I am not able to reply because of the new rules. I am torn on what to do :( He again asked for a spanking yesterday, it's getting more frequent as you suggested. I'm beginning to think it's more serious than what Kavya thinks it is.
     
  2. Venonimiss

    Venonimiss Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Laxmi, I read your post and all the comments and I should say, I was surprised! Surprised - not for the fact that you husband wants something specific etc, but for the fact how the poor guy (if he is really a poor guy with some specific hobbies/needs like I think) is being made a laughing stock and how every one is trying to get him for what he shared/requested his own wife!

    I have two different ways of dealing this issue.

    1. Since you are newly married, it is always a shock to learn things about sex with your spouse in early days/years of marriage. Every one has their own way of making love. And the main point in there is not how they are making love, but how much they love each other to accommodate each other in that process. You may like some things while making love, which you may want to ask him to do in a particular way. And it goes vice versa too. You don't have to sacrifice your wants/needs and just do what he wants. Sex should be a fun thing. It should be a mutual thing. Like it is already said in this forum, many women all over the world are being subjected to what’s called "Domestic Rape - being raped by husband". You are far better than them. If you can develop better understanding and a better relationship between you and your husband, all these things won’t be a big deal. These things are very personal, very private and if you respect your relation, they are very sacred too. So, my 2 cents – make up your mind, try to understand him better and try to make him understand you better. Don’t victimize yourself, be open, be brave, be experimentative and have fun. Good Luck.


    2. My Second take on it – From what I know, you are married for an year and you came to US after growing up in India and joined your husband who was here working for at least I am guessing 3-5 years in US.

    Let us try to imagine how Life was of your husband, here in US before he got married – in the peak of youth, alone, Bachelor, earning good money, out of the country and out of culture! What would you expect? – People experiment! All the curiosity from child hood, coming from a very tight sexually oppressed culture, with all the thoughts and imaginations – for someone like that coming to US is so free, confusing and disorientating. If he is like any normal guy, he may have his imaginations and sexual preferences and may have had explored a little on Internet and movies.

    It is definitely a big NO for me, if he has already ventured into those kinds of bars or if he has had connections/relations with people with the similar interests. But as long as it is just private and to himself with harmless exploring, it should not be that difficult to handle the situation.

    I won’t suggest you to buy a cane and go the whole circle of “Bondage” thing (unless you both are ok with it), but my suggestion is to work with him. Set your limits, make him know your preferences (I am sure you have some preferences on how to make love), go 50% and he will come 50%. It is all in how you look at it my dear.

    So, take charge of your life & sex life of course! And don’t forget to have fun when you can – do you know why I say this? Becos’ the sex part of your marriage is just a little part in your whole marriage thing. And this big deal about sex etc is a passing phase! Once you start working, once you start having kids and get busy in life, you long for these same early marriage years when sex was a big part. You rarely get time to spend with your spouse, as your life proceeds.

    I am going to leave you with one final note though –
    if the demands, your husband makes become regular, uncontrollable and non-negotiable and if think you cannot handle it, please get out of the relationship before it’s too late. Good Luck.
     
  3. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey guys.. I guess you all are missing a point here....

    its NOT JUST SEX.... he wants her to be the man of the house and treat him submissive throughout... how you think it would work????

    Please think about that.. before concluding .. why not its just sex...

    Also both people in sex shud enjoy .... in this cause... i doubt if laksmi ever will
     
  4. Venonimiss

    Venonimiss Bronze IL'ite

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    You know - This darn mind - how it jumps to conclusions! I am glad Nandu pointed it out. It's feels like a whole different issue when I read the first post again. Hmm..how do you deal with this?? I wouldn't even be able to love and accept someone if I think they are wierd! And if there is no Love and respect, there is no way I can whole heartedly accomodate this person in my life or in my house.

    Sorry for jumping into conclusions Laxmi. May be you should get professional help. If I were you, I would research more about this and try to connect to the people related to people like this. I am sure, there are people who are in the same boat as you are. Please ignore my Looong lecture before.
     
  5. laxmisubra

    laxmisubra New IL'ite

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    venoni and nandhu, thank you both. To make my situation more clear, my husband is a brilliant guy with a Phd in Electrical Engg. He has a great job and is definitely loving and caring. That's what baffles me, why this bizarre behavior with this background?
     
  6. manjur

    manjur Senior IL'ite

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    hi laxmi,

    you can't change him.all you can do is think whether you can live the life he wants forever. you don't have kids yet so atleast it is good that you can make decision on your own.
    so make good choice i am telling this because later in life you should not get frustrated if you continue this

    bye
    manju
     
  7. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Manju, well said.. Life is full of choices and its upto us to make it at the right time and not regret it later..

    Lakshmi... I agree.. You never know the people unless you really really get to know them. The reason I adviced you to make the decision immediate is.. when I read your story, I could correlate it with one incident I heard last year. Time is very very important factor.. because its your life..

    The girl got married to this guy.. arranged marriage.. . he was not even touching her or anything and giving all sorts of blabberish reasons.. finally after few months.. he broke it.. hes gay.but doesnt want to come out of the closet and thus doesnt want to leave the marriage too. He says.. lets have kids thru insemi and then lets portrait outside for our families that we are a family.. but we cant have sex or a normal life.. he was ok to bring in a stranger(bisexual) so that she can have fun :eek: EWWWW... she was a Brahmin and had no clue what to do... but just ran away from him with help of neighbors help and domestic abuse organizations. Obviously her Inlaws never beleived her.. but her parents did.. Last time I heard, they were looking alliances............again for her..
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2008
  8. ANK

    ANK Bronze IL'ite

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    Nandhu, Venonimiss and Manju,

    I agree with all the points u'll ahve made here! Somehow, I just cannot digest this whole stuff,and I would have found it a bit too much to handle! Its not as easy or ok, as it seems to me, and I am wondering how I would have dealt with something like this!

    C'mon I also have a hubby who loves to be pampered a bit when it comes to food, taking care while he is sick. And he also helps me with household chores when he is in the mood, or if he thinks i need help. There is no question of who wears the pants here. All in all, its being comfortable with each other. None can expect the other to forget how we were bought up, and change over night, so drastically!

    Intelligent or not intelligent, professional or not professional, this is a bit too much to handle as far as I am concerned!
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2008
  9. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly!!!! your career or mind...nothing can be waived before these issues...

    BTW your name is chox is it?? :mrgreen: hihihihihi nice one!!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2008
  10. ANK

    ANK Bronze IL'ite

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    Chox is what hubby dear calls meBig Laugh. Name is Nimi!
     
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