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Husband's sexual orientation

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by laxmisubra, Mar 23, 2008.

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  1. laxmisubra

    laxmisubra New IL'ite

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    My husband and I have been married for close to a year(no kids yet). He is a sweet and caring guy, not the typical macho types.Yesterday he said that I want to reveal something to you...my sexual orientation is I am SUBMISSIVE to WOMEN. I want you to boss over me and wear the pants in the relationship.He said in his school days, he used to feel very happy and fulfilled when a female teacher used to beat him with a ruler for any mistake. Now he wants me to buy a ruler and a cane and discipline him whenever he commits a mistake. On further digging, I found that he often visits erotic female domination and feminist sites on the internet. I didn't know how to react, said to him give me some time to think it over. To be honest, I find this behavior extremely bizarre. I have been raised in a traditional Indian household where the father is the dominant figure.Ours is an arranged marriage, and none of this was revealed until this point. I am under a lot of stress right now and feel cheated, not sure how to react. Has anyone else seen/heard anything like this? I'll be most grateful for any suggestions/advices on how to deal with this situation.
     
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  2. Devika Menon

    Devika Menon Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Laxmi,

    First thing is you have to credit your husband his honesty. Well he has honestly confessed things with you. In any relation honesty is very important , as important as trust. Now you need to understand that he could have kept these things from you but he did'nt. Appreciate that.
    Maybe in your home your Dad was the ruler , but in most households the reins are held by women. There is nothing wrong in that. Ofcourse he'll have to put a definite end to his site visits and I guess now that he's married he might have curtailed that but yet you can put that across in black and white, no mincing words when it comes to fidelity. You are there for him and whatever pleasure he needs to derive has to be from you , in body and mind . He shouldnt entertain anyone else personally or through net.
    A women calling the shots on the home front ,doesnt make a man any less manly. Infact there are a lot of men who love to be pampered also . nothing wrong with that , we all have a child within us. Infact there are a lot of women who are victims of extremely dominating husband ,who would definitely envy you.Maybe you can slowly explain your inhibitions to him and maybe after he becomes a father he might handle thing differently, well that doesnt mean you rush to be a Mother .Infact i think you need to understand your husband and his needs fully before donning the role of a mother.
    Enjoy your life Laxmi , you can have a wonderful life ,and your blessed to have a caring and doting husband. There are certain things you need to overlook.No one in this world is flawless. Enjoy the existing good things in a person rather than trying to find some fault which isnt so grave.
    May you have a lovely life ahead.

    Love,
    Devika
     
  3. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Laxmi,

    I am very sorry to hear this.

    This is complete BS. I have to disagree with Devika. This is the cunning state of most Indian men I think. For the society, they hide all sorts of these bizzare feelings and get married to an innocent girl and then reveal once shes committed in life. Where is the honesty, he must have been just suffocated for this long since thats not the sexual likes he had so far. He wants to break it one day or the other and he did it. If he was really honest, how about revealing it on her first night or when they talked earlier before marriage... So I would never accept that, Sorry!!

    Devika, I dont think you understand the severity of this relationship. Its not just as simple as being the person to make decisions etc.. ITs something more. He wants you to be sexually dominated person.. spank him and have him as a slave. In channels here, I have seen a group of people like this.. that come in maury shows. But this is western, coming from Indian culture, how would you feel, if you are to be sexually dominating every other day like a guy???? I dont think its fair for any woman when shes a fascinating woman like laksmi here. Here sexual happiness is gone just because she has to satify her husband in a weird way. A guy asking her to spank him now, what is she to do tomorrow when he comes up with another of his fantasy to have threesomes?? what is she to do?? There is a limitation to satisfying your husband.. as long as both are satisfied and its normal.. everything else you can always raise your voice up and take actions. thats what me thinks :)

    Lakshmi, I would suggest this:

    (1) First ask him why it took so long for him to come out with this? why you werent informed earlier about this specific sexual likes. If he blah blahs and not gives a concrete answer, then he has been hiding this for long and taking you for a ride.

    (2) Then ask yourself if this is what in your marriage. Remember life is about happiness and peace. How do you want your life to be? Are you ok doing whatever he says? Are you comfortable doing that? Are you sexually satisfied doing that?

    (3) You are not responsibly attached to this relationship now, which is good for you.. (I mean no kids) There is a whole lot of life ahead of you and the decision is completely yours. You can either choose this path or think to yourself, what the heck, I just lost an year in my life, but I will lead my life however I want and walk off this relationship.

    (4) So laksmi dont worry, take more time, dont rush into everything. Never worry that your life is gone. Its just an year and there are N number of men out there who will love you as you want and you can get the life you dreamt of !! So cheer up!! Think what you want and think your future.. its going to be your entire life. So talk as much time as possible :)

    Let me know if you need to discuss further.... I will be glad to help ok? We all are here for you.
     
  4. Bhooma

    Bhooma Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree with Nandhu Devika... does it sound so simple to you ? You mean to say .. a woman/Mother being dominant in a househould is the same as a man asking his wife to spank him and all that stuff? doesnt sound good at all..

    Lakshmi ... dont rush into anything ... be cool... talk to him first and listen to what he has to say. Please dont take the extreme step of informing your parents immediately. It is not going to solve anything ... only going to put them also through hell.

    There will be more qualified people on this forum ( professionals) who will be able to help you better.. but please remember that in this forum we are all here to morally support you ....

    Please be patient and take whatever measure you have to .. carefully.

    all the very best

    Bhooma
     
  5. Devika Menon

    Devika Menon Gold IL'ite

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    Bhooma ,Nandu,


    I agree that the spanking thing is a bit too much, but I meant about the dominating part . In most households women are dominant and men are recessive. Its common .I meant it in that context . I never said it was ok . Infact man spanking woman or a woman spanking a man ,i find it both weird and unacceptable.
    Secondly her opening lines were that her husband is loving and caring , so as far as I am concerned I feel if you can mend a relation then please do so. Leaving somebody is not a solution to everything.It should be only if all entrances look bleak then do exit ,otherwise if you can work on a marriage please do so.
    love,

    Devika
     
  6. arthi16

    arthi16 New IL'ite

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    Laxmi,

    I generally just read on these forums but your story is so similar
    to mine that I have to post ! I had an almost identical experience
    few years back. After the initial shock and denial, I had 2 choices,
    either to leave him or try to work it out. The fact that he was
    loving and caring somehow made me work it out. Today I am the mother
    of a wonderful 3Just li year old daughter. Just like Nandhu
    mentioned, I asked him why he didn't tell him for the first few
    months of marriage. He said that he wanted to know me better before
    he revealed this; he was worried about the shame and ridicule that
    he would face in society if this became public. I then spent some
    time on the internet to read about this and too my surprise I found
    that being subservient to their wife is on top of the list of male
    fantasies. I also realized that this is not a deal breaker like
    being a gay or something. Of course how many women get husbands who
    are willing to listen to all their whims and fancies ! I disagree
    with Nandhu that is a western thing; I just think because of the
    conservative indian culture it's not out in the open. I wont be
    surprised to see a lot of people having this lifestyle behind close
    doors in India also.
    Based on further reading, I decided the best way to handle this is
    to become the 'boss' and set a rule that this is the maximum that I
    am willing to tolerate; no going to **** sites or infidelity or
    something. My husband readily agreed and my wife has never been
    better since that day. I trained/ordered him to take care of most of
    the household chores. Today he is a really good cook, and is very
    very helpful around the house. Both of us work, so it makes my life
    lot easier is the husband is a significant contributor in the
    household chores and not just a couch potato as many indian men are.
    Regarding our sexual life, I realized he wasn't very good in the
    typical male-on-top position, so again on the suggestion in some
    websites, we tried the female-on-top position with me being in control.
    I had greater penetration, was in control and never felt so much sexual pleasure before. I also bought a cane online and started discipling him
    regularly, the difference being that he wanted to get spanked for
    his pleasure, but I made him realize that he's also going to get
    some pain, so that he doesn't repeat these mistakes again. I had
    some guilt initially, but then I realized that just as any mother
    disciplines her child, I am doing this to my husband who has the
    need for this, which I think is inborn. Both of us feel fulfilled
    and he is the ideal husband, who treats his wife as his queen! Life
    could not be better!(a regular dose of a few hard spankings have
    been life changing :) Laxmi, try this lifestyle out, it's unconventional but believe me you won't regret it.
     
  7. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    HI Laxmi,

    I can understand your feelings. You have just been married for a year and you have had an arranged marriage. But relax this is not really a big deal. Many people both men and women have different kind of sexual fantasies. It does not mean they are perverted. In in arranged marriage it can up to an year for a sexual relationship to be established. The sexual expression in men is stronger and more pronounced then in women. People have different kind of fantasies. Some men like to be physically aggressive during sex, some men prefer women to take the lead, some like to watch **** movies before having sex, some men prefer oral sex over regular sex !!!! My husband also once confessed to me that he has seen some erotic dances in clubs before marriage. But he is a very decent guy.

    When I was a child my father had the final authority in my house. His word was final. He would handle all financial matters. But my husband was not like that. He was a softer type. He was not interested in financial matters. When I got married I also had this male domination psyche ingrained into me and I expected my husband to take key decisions. I was not even aware that I had developed such a psyche. I never really expected any household help from him. After I got married I would get frustrated if he did not make key decisions and I did not like the way he would handle finances. Even when having sex I felt that only he should initiate and lead. But then gradually I understood myself and him better.

    If you are uncomfortable about your husband seeing these **** sites tell him that. And make a joke out of the spanking thing. I am pretty sure that it is not something very harmful. So take it easy. You are newly married an must be feeling nervous about all this. What matter is that your husband is loving and caring.

    Regards
    Lakshmi




     
  8. laxmisubra

    laxmisubra New IL'ite

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    kavya and arthi, thanks a lot for your inputs. Makes me feel better. Do you really think I should buy a cane and start spanking him, just to fulfill his desires?

    Thanks,
    Laxmi
     
  9. arthi16

    arthi16 New IL'ite

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    Laxmi, I think you should wait for a few more days before buying the cane. As kavya said, lot of men have fantasies, but there's a vast difference between fantasizing and experiencing the real thing. Believe me it's no fun to get beatings with a cane. It's very possible that your husband might give up on this fantasy once he experiences the power of your cane.
     
  10. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Laxmi,

    Glad to know that you are feeling better. I honestly think that your husband must have been joking :) It is just a mind thing, a fantasy :) If you do it to him everyday the reality would be very different. Probably he wants you to be more aggressive during love making and he wants you to take the lead. Just make it clear to him that you feel very uncomfortable when he sees **** sites.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.


     
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