Husband's Insecurities

Anusha2917 · Dec 11, 2021

For some reasons my husband feels insecure and compares his life with mine and his Sibling's life .
Some background : When I got married my husband's salary was more than my sister's husband. This was mentioned by my dad and off course we never intended to know how much my BIL earns and we did not want to compare . Over the last many years my BIL did extremely well in his career and sure their lifestyle says he must be earning really well now. A couple of times my husband did ask me he must be getting "xxxx" salary . I said I really don't know . The office has given him cars with driver, latest gadgets , lunch and dinner parties in 5 star hotels and this my husband keeps mentioning and I feel why he keeps mentioning My BIL is an extremely hard working person and my husband does not notice his hard work and only mentions he is a lucky fellow to grow in his career and he himself is not gifted with that luck in his career . He feels totally stuck in his career(10+ years same company , 1 promotion so far, no luck with switching to new job, does not enjoy what he is doing ).

He does not stop the comparison there . His sister's husband recently took a new position at his company(18+ years same company) and handles Asia region or something and again my husband was a bit insecure about it. He compares the number of houses they managed to buy with just 1 salary( my SIL is unemployed) and asks me why we are not doing great with two salaries .(I just started my career after a break of 2 years ). I told him we need to compare apples to apples . They did not buy a house in a big housing society like ours . One of their houses is not a metro city. Why compare ?

Looks like the house which his cousin(one more comparison) brought got appreciated 4x times whereas what my husband got did not see 1.5x appreciation . We sold that to buy what we have today . But he cribs his decision was not the best .

I have seen my sister and BIL struggle when they had a baby . Financial struggle they had as my BIL salary then was not that great. But it got better over a period of time ! I am sure my SIL's husband too would have struggled for so many years in his company and it is not easy at all to reach where he is today and his cousin is struggling with a bad marriage (2nd divorce in progress now) . His cousin's house got a 4x appreciation is one of the good things for him but he is also struggling in other ways. Why I mention this is "Everybody is fighting their battle" . But my husband conveniently ignores their battle and only compares the money aspect .

Things will get better for us I am sure How do I make my husband feel better ? He is a man of few words ,is not as expressive as I am with emotions . His negativity is affecting me(passed on to me rather) and I do sometimes wonder "Will it get any better for us?" . I hate COMPARISONS.

MalStrom · Dec 11, 2021

Comparison is the thief of joy, isn’t it?
Your husband should remind himself of the saying “I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I saw a man on the street who had no feet”.
If he continues complaining just listen to him but don’t try to point out the flip side to him. Let him just keep venting while you go about your work. He might stop if he realizes that he’s getting worked up about pointless things.

Metamorphic · Dec 11, 2021

Their success means "their success" and it doesn't make you any less!

I once read it - 'to feel like we matter, we must first treat ourselves like we matter'. Insecurities are pretty normal. The best way to deal with it is to see ourselves the right way.

Also, think of people who doesn't have what we have. There are many people who lost their loved ones and also jobs at the same time due to Covid. Many resigned in their current organisations and were happily waiting to join their new organisations banking on the offer letters, which were later withdrawn by the employers due to Covid. At-least you both have jobs. Is 'liking' a job not secondary to 'having' one when your family is dependant on that employment?

The truth is no one has it all together. Each person, each family will be fighting their own internal struggles. We just don't know, we only consider what it "appears".

SGBV · Dec 14, 2021

The obstacles in your past can become the gateways, that leads to new beginnings when you work hard.
Hardworking is the key here. Not matter what!
This is the lesson that I am trying to teach my sister as well. After years of constant teaching, and living by what I teach there is a slightest hope in her approach.

Having said that, let me share a few examples concerning to our lives for clarity.

My brother and I do really well when it comes to finances. We have a promising career, which pays well. With the help of our salaries, we have made few interesting investments and enjoy the returns of it.
But there is a lot of hard work, sacrifices and risks behind our success. We continue to thrive and succeed in life.
On the other hand, we have our own unique battles, which we do not share much with the world.
As you know, my decade long battle with my in laws, troubled marriage life, health issues, stress and constant failures in my career front due to lack of support from my H etc..etc... It's been the forgotten past, but that's what made me who I am today.

If it was not for my kids, I would have gone long ago. But I picked my battles, fought back cleverly and won back my life at last. A happy family & successful career means, it is my party time!

Same with my brother too. He had his own marital issues at the beginning. While the issues were still present, his eldest DD got diagnosed with leukemia. She was only 5 then, and the family was almost collapsed that time.
They had seen hell in the form of everything during the past 2-3 years, but with God's grace overcame everything successfully.
Now, it is their time for countless enjoyment!!!

On the other hand, my sister & her H have always been leading a moderate life. No family issues, no health concerns, no ups or downs, but a decent trouble free life. There is no promotion or salary hikes. There is no new investment or life style changes in their life. So, my sister would be always comparing her life to that of us, and complain as if she is unlucky.
But while complaining, she should also see the downtime that we had gone through. If she is ready to accept at least 10% of what we had gone through, then it is reasonable for her to expect the returns that we enjoy today.

Everyone is fighting their battle... big or small, we never know!
So, it is important that we don't compare our lives to others.

Anusha2917 · Dec 14, 2021

Thank you SGBV, metamorphic and malstorm for the reply.

Ruby2019 · Dec 14, 2021

I’m actually more impressed with you that you are so level headed and matured about peoples life and understand that everyone has their own challenges. Usually I see women are the ones constantly comparing lives with siblings and families but your thought process is really great. I really don’t have much advice but I hope your positivity spreads to him

indubalram · Dec 14, 2021

Ya it is very difficult situation! Probably from his younger age he has been into comparison! He first needs to understand he is special on his own! He should be in a group who are in his level and that will make him feel better!

Laks09 · Dec 14, 2021

@Anusha2917 - You are doing everything to make him see the positives but sometimes it is hard to make a partner less worried and negative. If you put all of their troubles and yours into a pile and ask him to pick his troubles, he will definitely choose his own. We all have our own battles and regardless of what we feel about other people’s lives, we will probably pick our own trials and tribulations back from a collection.
I think it’s a factor of having added responsibilities especially that of a little person. Your baby is just a year old. Daddies also go through a lot of emotions when they have their firstborns. He must feel like he owes that little one the world and pressurizing himself. Continue showing him the silver lining and hopefully he will recover from his melancholy soon. You are a very positive person. You’ve been through a lot very young and come out of it with oodles of positivity. I have always admired that from your posts. I’m sure your positivity will rub off on him!

stayblessed · Dec 14, 2021

I dont have any suggestions for your problem. But wanted to say this, you are a wonderful person Anusha. People around you are lucky.

Rihana · Dec 14, 2021

Anusha2917 said: ↑

Things will get better for us I am sure How do I make my husband feel better ?
Click to expand...

He is a man of few words ,is not as expressive as I am with emotions . His negativity is affecting me(passed on to me rather) and I do sometimes wonder "Will it get any better for us?" . I hate COMPARISONS.
Click to expand...

You are most likely overthinking this, Anusha. Some comparison with others is natural. We all have such thoughts. And it is natural to share them with one's spouse.

He does realize that other people's lives aren't all rosy. Each time we compare ourselves with another person, the comparison is about one aspect. Say my friend has a great relationship with siblings or a huge friend circle. I will dwell on that, sigh that my new year eve will be a boring Netflix movie : ) and move on. It would be odd if I have to remind myself of my friend's troubles each time I envy them. : )

You can't make your husband feel better. You don't have to. He doesn't want you to. : ) Just listen to him. Now and then lightly hint at the problems that others have and you don't. Even better, make it a habit to list your good fortunes in actual words during conversations at home.

What you can work on is how to deal with his comments so you don't feel low yourself. You could try what the mindfulness folks suggest. Each time you feel you are about to react to his comment, try to catch yourself. With a little practice, you will catch yourself sooner and sooner.

"He is a man of few words, ,is not as expressive as I am with emotions ."
I personally feel that such men will share such feelings only with the wife. So, it is important to let those words get expressed. And to respond to that sharing with only few words. : ) In a quaint way, I feel it is a privilege that my husband will share such feelings only with me. Unlike me who will yap about them to at least four friends. : )

I learned this from my man of few words. : ) I used to go on about our/my TTC struggle and my issues with my parents/siblings. I used to compare myself with people who didn't have these problems. He listened, acknowledged, sometimes responded with words.. on a couple of occasions he also switched off the laptop/TV to listen : ) : ) : ) he just let me vent/whine without pointing out the obvious points like my otherwise charmed life, and the problems my friends had.