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Husband's Grief=our(family) Grief. Wife's Grief, Not Even Hers!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bubbles, Nov 18, 2020.

  1. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    She could have put her foot down strongly. What is the use of a pooja when the worshipper is in a bad mood? It is better not to do any festivities/poojas rather than do them with a bad feeling in the mind. Not good for her or them. If she continued the mourning for many years, then it is not good, but for an year, it would have been fine. Unfortunately, some people are like that. They would rather let their authority run than care for the actual outcome.
     
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  2. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    Isn't atleast this much of human consideration essential?!

    What a horror!

    This. Her MIL did the same. Gave her a lot of gyan about how this is her house now, and how she has 'responsibilities' which must be carried on, no matter how you feel. She was told that she would feel grief but she should rise above it!!!! Why? Because THIS is Her family now?
    And frankly, I can see this playing out in my family too...

    I would say Selective Humanity rules traditions... Men don't even have to follow rituals.. how many men do their SIL duties, or do religious duties? No...its only enforced for women. Ohhh I can go on for pages here...grrrrr

    That, is the ideal. Aren't all women dictated to about the poojas,vrats to be observed, and HOW to observe them (in the MIL's style, not including anything the woman may herself have wanted or done) in the name of passing on the tradition? I mean, they are dictated about everything - it is only now that women are pushing back and saying no, I will do this like this. Funny how the FIL doesn't insist on his son following the traditional stuff (if he does them): Guys are not insisted to follow religious practices.. at least when they are an NRI. I don't know why that is?!

    This is crux of the issue. Why do such men even call them 'husband'?!!!!!

    Probably in previous generations... people lived in joint families... and were usually large families - there was more than 1 DIL... and women got married much younger... And after marriage, contact with parental home was minimal and restricted.... Women were probably less connected to the happenings in her parental home or in her siblings' lives.. It was impractical then to expect a whole family who was merely customarily related to a deceased person to observe a long mourning period and give up on celebrations : it was also likely that the DIL who was grieving could easily be given less responsibilities out of human consideration... So customary mourning and grieving for the male's side seems to take into consideration practical stuff too!
    We have moved soooo far from those days... and 'traditions' have been skewed out of the intended sense... Are we so insensible to reflect and adjust accordingly?!
    But no, the onus of changing thing always falls on the one suffering through it. So yes, she should have put her foot down. Even in grief, the woman must keep her head. Wow, the demands we put on our women!

    I admit I advised as much to her. Told her that she need not do anything her heart wasn't in, and to stick to her stand. But I had no answer to her counter-question on why do women even get married when this is how things are!
     
  3. preethignan

    preethignan Silver IL'ite

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    I lost my dad last year. It's not even a year still. I didn't do any festivals this year. My husband and inlaws were a lot supportive and understanding.If we stand up for ourselves I don't think anybody can barge into our space.
     
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  4. RiaME

    RiaME Senior IL'ite

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    Unfortunately darling...this is the tradition where Men are given lots of privileges and a lot is expected out of women specially married ones like how her new home is her real home and even if somethings happen at mothers house ( like parents ill/ in trouble etc) the women should follow her duties in husband's place..blah blah blah. Still to this day, old generation/minded bigoted inlaws like mine/many of ours give gyan to their dils and the brainwashed husbands want their wifes to follow what their parents say.
     
  5. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    unfortunately, whatever I have seen, the women are somehow proud to say that "oh that does not apply for me"
    Or they take pride in doing things because its their duty. "Ohh noo, that wont apply to me. My surname changed noooo". Its so ingrained that it doesnt even cross their mind that they are allowed to "not" do anything because they are sad. This is my aunt, so maybe a generation gap. Even the thought of "not" doing things because you lost a loved one is un-fathomable. They ask "ohh but why, it doesnt apply to you". The thought of mood does strike at all.
    I am just a guest/distant relative in my moms life. Nothing really applies to me.

    But there might be an emotional thing to do things also. LIke its tough to not pray on Ganesh Chaturti or such important festivals. Because they are just not supposed to be skipped. Being religious is another thing too. So, atleast I do in a small scale.
     
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  6. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh yes. The saying goes.
    After marriage the parents house is a சத்திரம் (resting place)for the girl.
    No emotions involved.
    :rage:
     
  7. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Had a similar vent before bought back the memories of feeling sad and left out on the norms that we are expected to follow

    Why Are Females Expected To Follow Festival Rituals Of The Husband Side?

     
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Bubbles,

    We can change the norms provided we have the will to stand up for the rights. When my father-in-law died in India where my wife and son were present, they waited for me to arrive from the US. My wife was the only child for my parents-in-law. I reached on time to perform the rituals. The day I arrived, there were questions asked who was going to perform the rituals from my family and I simply responded, "I am going to do it and I don't need anyone's permission to do that." I not only performed 13 days rites myself but also arranged an elaborate anniversary rituals back in India one year later inviting his entire family. I told my mother-in-law right after his death that she was going to stay with us in the US and she readily obliged. For the past 10 years, she is with us here in the US.

    You need to stand up for your rights and be brave not to show up for the poojas. Be firm with your husband too if he is not understanding and be compassionate about your mourning. Once you both determine what to do, who else can force an adult to anything? It is not about what happens in general in the society and it is about how a couple is understanding about each other's pain and sufferings. All of these sacrifices will eventually widen the gap between the couple and when you both get older, they will be discussed at length ruining a happy old-age life. All these emotions of resistance that happens in the heart are not going anywhere and will remain stronger in the subconscious mind. At some point, if in-laws are dependent and are in a position to seek help, it will show up at that time instead of being compasionate. It is in the best interest of everyone to be understanding of each other's pain and sufferings. That is my humble view.
     
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  9. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    I am so exasperated reading the original post and the replies.
    Nobody should have to go through this.
    If such customs did exist in the past because of some tradition,it was wrong.If it still going on its still wrong.
    With all the education we gloat about,even worse.

    All I am feeling after reading this thread is that women should not get married.
    Rather than having to explain and plead every human emotion to another family for the rest of their lives,they should negotiate with their own families and not get married in the first place.
    I am sorry if my emotions came out strong but forcing your festivities on a grieving person is depraved and no amount of custom and tradition can justify it.
     
  10. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Love your title. This behaviour is absurd. But like someone pointed out here, many times women do not want to say No and allow themselves to be led by their husband’s family cause that’s ‘their’ family. Sometimes it’s also women who quickly pack their bags and leave saying their have duties in ‘their house’. How often have we seen this.

    I believe once we bend our back for in laws, they expect us to do it always. Same with the husbands. ‘You did it the last time, why disagree now’ and will start saying DIL has changed. Set expectations clear from the beginning. Say no and stand firm. Prayers are supposed to be sincere, not forced.

    I’m so angry reading the response of the lady who said her sibling died and her husband decorated the house for Xmas. I wonder why we women sometimes have such Low expectations and allow such things. Also, sad to say but I think unmarried siblings always fall in the lowest holder of someone anyone cares about, esp the in laws. They are always the ignored and forgotten ones.
     

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