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Husband's Grief=our(family) Grief. Wife's Grief, Not Even Hers!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bubbles, Nov 18, 2020.

  1. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    She could have put her foot down strongly. What is the use of a pooja when the worshipper is in a bad mood? It is better not to do any festivities/poojas rather than do them with a bad feeling in the mind. Not good for her or them. If she continued the mourning for many years, then it is not good, but for an year, it would have been fine. Unfortunately, some people are like that. They would rather let their authority run than care for the actual outcome.
     
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  2. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    Isn't atleast this much of human consideration essential?!

    What a horror!

    This. Her MIL did the same. Gave her a lot of gyan about how this is her house now, and how she has 'responsibilities' which must be carried on, no matter how you feel. She was told that she would feel grief but she should rise above it!!!! Why? Because THIS is Her family now?
    And frankly, I can see this playing out in my family too...

    I would say Selective Humanity rules traditions... Men don't even have to follow rituals.. how many men do their SIL duties, or do religious duties? No...its only enforced for women. Ohhh I can go on for pages here...grrrrr

    That, is the ideal. Aren't all women dictated to about the poojas,vrats to be observed, and HOW to observe them (in the MIL's style, not including anything the woman may herself have wanted or done) in the name of passing on the tradition? I mean, they are dictated about everything - it is only now that women are pushing back and saying no, I will do this like this. Funny how the FIL doesn't insist on his son following the traditional stuff (if he does them): Guys are not insisted to follow religious practices.. at least when they are an NRI. I don't know why that is?!

    This is crux of the issue. Why do such men even call them 'husband'?!!!!!

    Probably in previous generations... people lived in joint families... and were usually large families - there was more than 1 DIL... and women got married much younger... And after marriage, contact with parental home was minimal and restricted.... Women were probably less connected to the happenings in her parental home or in her siblings' lives.. It was impractical then to expect a whole family who was merely customarily related to a deceased person to observe a long mourning period and give up on celebrations : it was also likely that the DIL who was grieving could easily be given less responsibilities out of human consideration... So customary mourning and grieving for the male's side seems to take into consideration practical stuff too!
    We have moved soooo far from those days... and 'traditions' have been skewed out of the intended sense... Are we so insensible to reflect and adjust accordingly?!
    But no, the onus of changing thing always falls on the one suffering through it. So yes, she should have put her foot down. Even in grief, the woman must keep her head. Wow, the demands we put on our women!

    I admit I advised as much to her. Told her that she need not do anything her heart wasn't in, and to stick to her stand. But I had no answer to her counter-question on why do women even get married when this is how things are!
     
  3. preethignan

    preethignan Bronze IL'ite

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    I lost my dad last year. It's not even a year still. I didn't do any festivals this year. My husband and inlaws were a lot supportive and understanding.If we stand up for ourselves I don't think anybody can barge into our space.
     
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