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Husband's Birthday

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Angela123, May 3, 2021.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    H's birthday is coming up. Every birthday, I bake a cake for him. Something I love to do, last birthday he didn't want a cake, instead I did a dessert ' île flottante'. His birthday cakes are elaborate, like chocolate expresso dacquoise or tiramisu or something that is exquisite. And I also cook up special dinner or lunch to go with it and we usually celebrate as family, once we had a party which I cooked all the dishes. I do all this because, I want him to feel special. He is special to me but I want to appreciate him and show it. That is the whole point of this. I dont give any gifts though. We usually discuss and will decide to buy something he likes to have. So it wont be wrapped up or a surprise. I do the same thing for kid's birthday, which she appreciates a lot. So it makes me mad sometimes that he doesn't care for any of the things I do for his birthday

    I feel he doesn't appreciate me doing the cake and cooking for him. The other day we were discussing mother's day brunch, and I wanted to make waffles, and he said it is not that good. He said he eats it only because it is healthy and homemade. I make this every other week, and everyone eats it. DD said she loves it and I love it too. H eats it for snack if there is any left over. I love to cook and feed people. It hurts me when i hear they are eating it just to please me. I would rather not cook than force feed anybody. Or I can eat it myself.

    Also, when my birthday or mother's day or anniversary comes up, he doesn't do anything. He wishes me, then he goes on with his life. No flowers, cakes, or gifts. I don't care for any of it, but I don't feel special in anyway on my birthday. So I want to do the same for him this time. Just wish him birthday and that's it. But on an average day, we get along great and have a lot of fun. These special days are the stressful days. While it will be obvious me not doing anything special for his birthday this time (first time in the last 11 years), I would like to dodge any questions. Could you suggest some? Thank you!
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You both have different love languages. You like to show appreciation by cooking and caring, what’s his? There must be something he does.
    You don’t have to keep up with elaborate baking and cooking if you don’t feel like. But are you really certain he doesn’t care for what you do? He might silently appreciate it without being outwardly effusive or maybe he has just come to expect it as something you always do on his birthday.
    This time for a change, you can ask him what he wants to do and perhaps plan some activity instead of a fancy meal.
     
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  3. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    He says he doesn't want anything. So that is what he is going to get. I think he doesn't want me to have any expectations when it comes to my birthday. May be that is it.
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Take him at his word then. You can focus on making a big deal for your kids' birthdays, while they are still of an age to appreciate it.
     
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  5. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Have you spoken to him about what you would like for your birthday or special days? Communication about these things can be difficult to start but are critical in improving our relationships.
     
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  6. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Indian men and romance - Sigh! Sorry for stereo typing, there are some exceptions around.
    It is not about what he says but understanding what is one's love language?
    Have you checked this out - Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®
    For you , it seems like it is acts of service. And likely your way of showing love is by doing the very best for his special day. But if what if that is not one of his languages?

    And girl, it is ok to celebrate your own birthday. Make that fabulous cake for yourself - you deserve it. It is nice if he will do something for you, if not ok, that is just one of his flaws.

    To share my experience , DH would get me gifts that were at times expensive but so out of my taste or totally useless. Pweter cups anybody ? Brown and purple saree with zari? And didnt know why I wouldnt appreciate it. Talk of love languages - his gifts were a reminder of how little he knew me

    I wanted him to make it a special day, and was disappointed often, specially after the kids were born. I stopped expecting special efforts on my birthday. There were days when the kids were little, I have asked in anguish to myself - 364 days I try and make their days special - cant he plan and get the kids to do something nice for me on one day in a year? Is that too much to ask? But that is the wrong question. He didnt see the special need, he loves me and I know that , so why do I need that validation in the form of a surprise?

    Somewhere along the way, I understood my love language and his, and also about loving myself and I was done with special days becoming deflated, And I started getting the cake myself , atleast the kids should have some celebration. And guess what , it felt good. Plus I could choose my favourite ones! I also reminded the kids that I wanted a birthday card days before. And I managed to get the sloppy cards in time.
    If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain , and pretend that the mountain came to him and then climb it proudly.

    For our wedding anniversary, all I expect of DH is to spend some time with me - maybe a sinful dessert, a shared coffee, a single stalk of rose, if we are in a mall just a small spontaneous gift, a late night walk - nothing planned, nothing expected, nothing way off ordinary. It has taken the pressure off him and the bitterness off me. Mostly if it is on a weekday, it was just long walks - often not even talking, just being with him. and somehow that "quality time" works as a love language for us both. And I dont stop telling him how lucky he is that his wife doesnt like expensive gifts , lol.

    TLDR- Do what you love to do without expecting anything in return.
    And please make that fabulous cake for yourself. And for him. Time flies, birthdays dont come back. You make it to please him and he eats it to please you, isn't that nice too!
     
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  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Print this thread... and give him a copy with birthday wishes.
    As people get older, cakes and other high calorie/carbohydrate/sweet things are unhealthy. Comments from IL members would be a lot healthier.
     
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Mai I request you to wish on my behalf “ happy Birthday” to DH.

    2. Every year you were enjoying making that special chocolate dacquoise for him but you said he was not openly appreciating it. From menfolk appreciation is hard to come by especially to spouse.

    3. This time if you are not going to make that mouthwatering cake missing it would make the occasion with just wishes a special ! He would remember that “cake was not made”.
    Regards.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2021 at 4:15 PM
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  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I did. We had a baby in October, and I was up most nights taking care of her, so all I wanted was uninterrupted 8 hrs of sleep. Didn't get it. When i complain he says "It's okay".
     
  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Good point.
     

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