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Husband's behaviour ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Roo, May 23, 2007.

  1. Roo

    Roo New IL'ite

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    Hi IL,

    I'm working women, married for 6 years with a 3 1/2 yr old kid and . I don't how to start.
    My husband has been spending most of his time on the internet these days. I've been watching his activities, he's visiting some websites which offer sex, passion in our area. He searched for these in our city. When I asked about this he'z telling me that he never visited any such websites, it might be some pop ups which get stored in the history. But I know pop ups just won't get stored in history unless you click it. He also tells me that the city zipcode might have stored that's why it is showing in our area. He even swears on our daughter.
    I've also gone through other websites he visited.
    He wakes up in the morning starts to browse till coffee finishes for 20 min. Goes to smoke, then takes bath. Again starts browsing while having breakfast. Get's ready ..until me & my daughter get ready he'll be browsing.
    In the evening, he as soon as he comes he first starts computer , i prepare tea and then he sits infront of computer with tea in hand. After that he goes to play with his friends at 7.00 and comes only after 9.00. All the responsibilities of my daughter are mine...feeding her (she is a picky eater and all the I've to sruggle even to make her drink water). I'll be cooking, feeding in the evening with no time left for me. He comes after his game, sits on his moniter watching movies all the time while having food. He spends all his time till I finish the dishes or eat. Then goes to sleep. I mean this man hardly spends any time with my kid and me. Almost nill. My daghter started comparing to her friend's daddy with tears in her eyes. Its heart breaking for my daughter to see like that, but when tell him that he tells me that I'm filling all that in her mind.
    Another thing is he plays with his toy...in the night ...sometimes even after we have sex. This has disturbed me a lot. But he swears on my daughter he never did anything such not in his consiousness... may be I might be itching in sleep that u misunderstood...But I can differintiate how'z the itching sound...
    We are having fights almost everyday. He blames me for everything, u don't believe me that's why u should go to India. For every arguement he tells me 'Its better u go to India. I should not have married u, I made a big mistake...'. Also tells me that u behave like a cheap persons, doubt on everything, its all in ur family like that..3rd class cheap persons' .
    But iL, my parents hardly have any conversation with him..not more than a hi ...how can he comment on my whole family...
    Yesterday night, when I showed all his internet activities, he used bad words , and even was about to kick me if I talked.
    He told me that I should get out of his life... I resign and go to India...
    I don't have any friends here....never told to my parents any of these.
    How can I live with such person...who is so self-centered...
    I checked his spending...he went to walgreens in office hours...spent $40 to $60 every often... he told me that spent on ciggerates and withdrawn some cash... He always told me that he reduced smoking..just smokes only if his friends are smoking...
    How should I believe such person who lied me all the time...

    Sorry ladies, I must have bored u guys,..
    I don't have anyone closer to my heart, that's why Ive poured averything here.

    -Roo
     
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  2. cheer

    cheer Silver IL'ite

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  3. elaxmi

    elaxmi Guest

    Dear friends,

    Very difficult to handle this sitiuation,Your husband has been stressed.Consult Doctor
    You have to sacrifice for your daughter future,Don't come to india,this not a solution,
    God is with you,We are help you,
    regards,
    Laxmi.E
    India,
     
  4. arshi1611

    arshi1611 New IL'ite

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    Dear Roo,
    hi! This must be really distressful to you but try not to get depressed.Although its very common for guys to watch ****,ur husband might be having some problem.Try to get some help as in counselling.There must be some reason to this.Another thing guys don't like is to be nagged about anything so maybe that has caused irritation in him which is why he may be behaving so badly.You say that u are having a 3yrs kid.You know some husbands start feeling very left out and lonely when a child comes into the house as in they think that the wife has no time for them.Has he ever told u that initially when the baby was born? Thats when some ppl start behaving aloof and try to find interest in other things.When my baby was born my hubby used to feel bad that i wouldn't give him enough attention and infact he used to sulk alot in that period cuz its new for both the husband and wife but the mother always puts her baby first! first i couldn't understand but then i realised and started managing to take out some time for him.Its very difficult when ur on ur own.
    Try to be patient and spend some quality time with him.You may be mad at him rt now but i'm sure you want to make things right.Encourage your daughter to mingle with him more and make her spend time with him intentionally.once they get attached to their kids then they become fine.Hope u get out of this situation.
    Don't come back to india as this would widen the gap.stay put and make it happen dear.wish for the best for you.
     
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  5. mythili

    mythili Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Roo,
    Your situation sounds really difficult. I am no expert in advising/counseling, I sure hope some of our senior members have useful information for you.

    For a start, can I ask you the question –
    Does your husband really love you?
    Does he love his child?

    It sounds like he is an immature self centered ** who has no value for any of the relationships in his life.

    Are you financially secured to live by yourself? Do you have visa issues if you were to move out at least for a period of time until your husband opens his eyes and face the realities?
    I would suggest at least for a brief period of time, you move out or go to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region>. Maybe your husband will realize your value then and when he misses his kid, he will realize the kind of life he was living is not sustainable for long term.
    Please note that this is just my thought, senior members in IL will have much more solid advise to offer.

    I am sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong girl, remember God has given a lot of power to us women to overcome problems in life.
    Please re-read my signature line 'That which does not kill me, makes me stronger'
    I hope you come out a stronger person from this ordeal in your life.
    Wishing you all the best- a fellow IL.
     
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  6. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I am very saddened to read your post. I am only trying to understand why these problems and how you can overcome them. You have written that your hubby is spending more time on the internet 'these days'. So he wasn't like this all these 6 years right? He has changed now.
    Just as others say I think one of the main reasons maybe that the two of you don't have enough time to spend together, just as husband and wife, not as parents.You are working and have a toddler. It is so easy to get into a routine of household chores and kids stuff. Men do feel left out by their wives after a baby. Sex is such an important part of life for men. As they say Sex is to man what conversation is to women. It is a Need not a want. So once they loose that intimacy they just loose their way I guess. By intimacy I don't just mean sex, it's small things throughout the day. A hug when he walks in, holding hands when talking, feeding him a mouth his favourite food etc. You can be creative.
    With that in mind, back for sometime. Slowly start relaxing. Many men watch ****. Its disgusting but just let it go. Don't fight with him about it. Learn to let go. Start to slowly slow down your pace. Don't keep working all the time. Not good for you or baby. Cook in bulk / get something from outside. Or get up early in the morning and be done with cooking before you get to work. That way you have the whole evening to yourself and your family. In that evening, play with your baby, pull daddy in it slowly. Beleive me kids that age get so attached to their dad. Once that happens he will change too. I am not writing this for your satisfaction. These things really happened in my life. I have a 4 year old.
    Start being cheerful around him. Make him interested in you. I learnt from someone here in IL that intimacy is the answer to a lot of problems. That is very true. Don't confront him with proof of his wrong doings. Don't argue with him either. First slowly get your hubby more relaxed around you and your baby. He will slowly cut down on his computer times. When things improve tell him how you feel about his habits. He may be willing to listen. Please read this post "Golden Rules For Woman" in this section.
    I am in no way condoning your husband's behaviour. Just trying to find a way for you to make things work. He bad mouthing your parents - don't try to reason - he is taking out the anger he has for you on them. He knows that he can hurt you if he says something about your family. He is smoking - first get your relationship better before treading there. The more he pushes you away, the more your try to pull him it is only going to cause strain. Just loosen up. Collect yourself. Then work on your hubby.
    Fights between husband and wife happens. In anger we say things we don't mean. I have seen the kind of stress a kid brings into the family. It's not the kid's fault. It's the way moms start to ignore the intimacy with their husband and how husband's don't help out with the kid and still expect wives to have time for them too. Forgive him. You may have some preconceived notions about certain things. But they are yours. Do not impose them on him. Don't try and stop him from doing things. He will have to stop things by himself because he wants to. If he plays with his toy even after, let him.
    I do not know if I have answered you properly. You can send me a personal message if you would like to discuss it further. Just try what I have said. Learn to be smart - learning to live happily with your hubby.

    Don't go to India. That is not a solution. Just give your husband some space here. Back off and slowly work your way to him. He will meet you halfway there.

    Love:wave

     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hmm.. Now this is strange.. That I want to advise you. I am married for less than 3 years and I think I know how to crack this Issue.
    My husband didn't have all these problems. But I have seen other people complaining about it. I have thought about it, Advised them. To some, Advise seems to have worked.
    First and foremost, lets swallow some facts..
    They are hard and bitter truth.. Next I will tackle it form your husband 's point.
    First your flaws..
    1. You are married for 6 years. He would hv being doing for 6 years then. You should not have allowed it from beginning. Now your husband has got used to of this.
    2. Why are you checking his interent history, and even bank statment? I think its in wrong faith. You may be curious. But its hurtful to know this for any of the partner.
    3. How come you are not abel to use your daughter to you advantage?

    Ok now coming to husband..
    1. He seems to me , a very under-developed interenet addicted guy. Thats all.
    Even if he sees ****. I bet he will grow out of it. You shouldn't bother about it. I mean come on', we need to realise that before marriage they were watching it as well. And other thing, "He plays with his toy." I think you mean masturbation.. Well even if he's doing.. You just need not poke your nose into.. It shighly private thing. Let him do it get over it. More you stop.. more he will do.
    2. Even if he spend some 40-50$ at walgreen, apply some common sense. What best he can buy from Walgreen.. nothing man.. You just need to panic less.
    3. You need to help him come out of his interent adddiction. Fighting is no way of doing it. You need to tackle it like.. A kid whos teeth whose gone bad.. he s insisting for candies.. You need to handle it with love and tact.
    4. Give him space.. Yes SPACE.. I think he feels intruded by you. So he may be doing it more than other times.
    5. Now this is trick to straighten his head.. You need to stay strong in this.. Just go out of home for 3-5 days. For whaetver excuse works.. Say office work. You need to stay away.. may be with soem friend's house or anything.Leave your daughter to him. He will get his head straightened without any fights.
    6. teach your daughter tricks to involve her father more.
    Write back once you try all these.

    All the best
    Ria:mrgreen:
     
  8. Roo

    Roo New IL'ite

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    Thanks for ur time and adivice ladies.

    For 6 years I never checked his internet history or bank details. But when I accidently came to see this stored in memory, then I looked into his bank details.
    Guys do watch ****, but he tried to search for some ladies in our city. This what hurts me.
    His activity in night disturbs me and I can't have enough sleep ( no sleep till morning). I always told him that he can go to another room. But allowing him to do whatever in same room is gonna disturb me a lot mentally.

    My daughter was India for almost 1 1/2 year, and she is not much attached to him a lot. She just needs me for everything. Initially when she came to US my husband was spending time with her. Later it also reduced. He feels if she needs mommy then mommy should be there. But I can't be there all the time. If he spends time with her then only she is gonna come near him.

    Recently my inlaws were here. I can understand he didn't want to share responsibilities infront of his parents and that's why he used to be on the net most of the time. But now also hez spending most of the time on the net. I tried to spend time with him also, but hez so addicted to internet that he feels intruded all the time.
    May be hez gonna realize and I think you are right he should stop all this by himself.
    Thanks again for all ur advice, I feel better and stronger...just like talking to my mother.
    -Roo
     
  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I see. I can understand your pain. It would definitely hurt any woman, If she comes across things like these.Internet addiction is parta nd parcel of software job I guess. There are ways to break the habbit..

    1. Some days my husband would get glued to computer all the time after office.I just didnt react to it. I did my work.. And then I turned my own comp..went to other room. Whole house was silent for 1-2 hrs.. then he got bored and he came to my room. Essence is Give freedom to do what they want unlimited.. Chances are they are going to be bugged with what they are doing.

    2. Actually Kid's case is different. You may expose him to other couple who share the kid work. I dont have kid yet. But I can see my sis-in-law doing it very smartly. They share most of their kid-work. The trick there is to get them involved in family life more.

    3. About his doing stuff in bed.. I would say.. Dont point fingers. Guys get highly threatened if caught and reacted in that pose. You would need to find ways of getting him exhausted other ways.. DOes he play any sports.. I can bet if he is having one exhaustive game or jog or running or anythign every evening. he will different person. Guys just need to exhaust their physical energy. Otherwise they become frustrated in many sense..
    I always encourage my husband to go for swimming or running or gym or tennis each morning.. It keeps both happy. I go to my aerobic class ..it keeps mind open and more cheerful.. You may try something like that.

    Rest you are sensible strong girl. You have already seen enough ups and downs in 6 years. I am sure you will come up with more innovative ideas.
    Bottomline is .. Be happy, Dont loose hope, This too will pass.. And Cherish life and whatever little or more fate has given..
    Cheers
    Ria
     
  10. bharati77

    bharati77 New IL'ite

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    hi baby.
    i dont want to give any advice ,becoz at the end u will do whatever ur heart says. i want to tell bout my husband i have been married since 8 years , this must b shocking for some ladies . my husband never wear anythin when he is at home . Fully naked . when stating of my marriage i use to get annoyed , i told him so many times to wear some thing, but he is to refuse , then 1 day suddenly i stopped tellin him . i got one sexy shorts for him , it was expensive but i dint mention the price, next day he ask this wil go on me i said try for urself. after dat he stated wear in cloths . i care for him , u at least have ur baby, wit her u can share ur love, my husband hate kids. i tryied evevry thing but no use .

    u try and ignore him for some time. try wearing some thin attractive or talk on topics which he likes , u no my husband is 42, n me 29, since last 8 yrs of marriage he watches TOM & JERRY CARTOON EVERY DAY . ITS DIFFERENT BUT WHAT TO DO.

    i thing i realised ur body gets all types of viberation , POSITIVE NEGATIVE BOTH. TRY AND ANALISED

    bHARATIIIII
     
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