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Husband With Anger Issues

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rekhaatu, Sep 7, 2017.

  1. rekhaatu

    rekhaatu Silver IL'ite

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    We are married since 8 years and in relation 6 years before that. My husband has anger issues. He can't control his rage and becomes very abusive both verbally and physically. Knowing all this I don't know how I married him. On the other side I am introvert and cannot argue or speak up(not just with him)
    After few years of married he slowly gained control and completely stopped being abusive.
    My MIL came to assist us with the baby. Thats when problem started again. I realized his nature is because of the circumstances he grew in. My MIL is very adamant and their home is always full of fights.
    In my MIL presence anyone will easily loose patience. And my husband became the old him. All my hardwork is waste. He is not able to control his anger now. Last week he even couldnt stop when my baby started crying when he is shouting. He started beating me, called my parents, his sister and in laws saying he can't live with me etc.
    Next day he apologized and started behaving as if nothing happened and expects same from me. He never goes back to my parents or my inlaws to explain what happened.
    With my previous experience if I start explaining, he will listen and sympathize with me. But on the next fight he will use all my words against me.
    My MIL brainwashed him that silent people like me are more dangerous, I wantedly make him angry to show him as a bad person etc.
    1. I want him to explain to my FIL(who is a sensible person but trusts his son obviously) what is true and what is not about the allegations he made against me in anger
    2. How to get him out of MIL influence?
    3. I want a peaceful environment for my child to grow. My I am hating myself for being so helpless.
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband needs anger management lessons from a qualified therapist. Please convince him to get help ASAP. You are not helpless, just put your foot down that unless he gets help you will not stay with him. Can you stay with your parents until he gets things taken care of ? Involve his parents if he listens to them. Also make SURE that this talk happens in the presence of his or your parents , I am worried that he might be physically abusive when you bring this up.

    I would not worry about clarifying things with your FIL. What your FIL thinks about you is probably the least of your problems right now.

    It is not fun growing up with a angry abusive parent . What's to say he will not be abusive toward your child? Please get help ASAP. Take care .
     
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  3. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    You knew him from 6 yrs before marriage, knew his anger, rage issues and yet you married him... you should know better what to do. I am not making fun of you, but I think the problem is also with you, not just with him.
     
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Victim blaming is not going to help the OP in anyway. Everyone gets married with the best of intentions.

     
  5. Babyhope86

    Babyhope86 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear @rekhaatu ,

    Sorry for the issues your are facing currently.

    First of all it is better to stay away from your husband immediately and be in a safer place with your parents or your confidant close friends/relatives.

    No point in staying with him and trying to change, because the more he sees you/talks with you he his anger will fire up more. This is a root cause of compatibility issue!

    so as one of other IL mentioned, if you want to reconcile with him & are sure to live together in cause of your child, then he has to get a psychological assessment with therapy from a good specialist for ruling out his abusive behaviour.

    If you don't care and not confident whether he will remain calm forever, please for God's sake walk out and get a divorce.

    it is for the sheer benefit of your self being and child growth that your child gets a peaceful upbringing.

    Please decide and act atleast now.

    Stay happy & confident!

    Cheers.


     
  6. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

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    well said @Sandycandy
     
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  7. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    I am not blaming her. I am in the same boat and I know what it feels like. Everyday I tell myself to get better and yes I pray - that's what has helped me. A man who beats - nothing can rectify him, a taste of his own medicine will. Wishing that is not good because it affects the victim too. As long as the bully has no respect for the victim, it will continue. Even in my case it is his parents who are responsible. Both MIL/FIL have attitudes, MIL has no respect for anyone and same with FIL. The only person FIL ever respects is H and MIL. If ever OP says a thing about her MIL to husband, she will get it even worse. Perhaps OP can pray and hope for the best, but it won't happen overnight, it is going to be a long journey with a consequence unknown. MIL or no MIL, the beating problem is going to be around, because it is a habit and habits can't be rid of easily. It will be even more worrisome if it stops, because that means the guy has found some other outlet. Be careful OP. Stop hating yourself, be vigilant and thick skinned. It is like living with a kid - even kids understand, here that is not the case. You can try to instill fear and respect - for that you have to be the bigger bully.
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2017
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  8. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    I am sorry OP, every time I think I should not start and I do it. I don't want to be cynical, the only way you can manage this is to respect yourself. You will know what to do then. I had no idea of what I was going to face, if I had, I would not even have got into it. At least that's what I think. The day we start thinking in the right direction and decide to change, things will change for the better.
     
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  9. Benitapaul

    Benitapaul Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP, I'm sorry that you are going through all this. One of my cousin had the same issues and as others mentioned you need to get professional help.

    This is what my cousin did, They had love for each other still he would physically abuse her when he is angry. She tried all she could do but understood he needs professional help.So finally, she got out of home and moved into a PG as she was working. She cut all her contacts with her husband to give the silent treatment and it worked finally and he accepted to get the help.

    After the therapy and counseling he understood what was the reason it all started and his parents were also involved as they had a very abusive marriage and his dad would beat his mom to show his anger no matter what the reason is. Finally he came to senses and got well from therapy. Later he apologized to her and they are happily living now with two kids. He had a lot of change in him after the therapy.

    Similarly, your DH loves you and wants to apologize to you for his behavior. Use it as a firm point and make sure he gets professional help. It will all get better. All the best :)
     
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  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,You have to accept the fact that your MIL/FIL are going to be there for a while. Their upbringing, environment,behaviour is your hubby's role model for abuse.Either a person is an angry person per say or his past is major influence in it. Fact is , you have to do something rather than hope by creating environment where hubby is not abusive that he wont resort to it. That's not how you treat abuse.

    You have to do major damage control for all the abuse to stop permanently. You need to give him an ultimatum telling he has to take Anger Management classes or you will resort to calling the police , next time abuse occurs. He shud see the gravity of the situation and do changes.Do not hope by telling FIL or anybody else hubby will regret. That's just a bad aid for a deeper wound. You are a grown woman.If you have to repair your marriage, do it yourself.Good Luck.

    P.S:I have been in your position before. I did everything like tell IL's , requested ,hoped so hubby wud stop. Ultimately I had to call 911 and hubby had to take anger management classes. It worked wonders .Looking back, I now feel I shud have done it first thing instead of talking to in laws.
     
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