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Husband With Anger Issues - Please Help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ILUser07, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi, my husband has anger issues. Shouts and acts like a mad man even on tiniest things. E.g.,
    1. if i don't pick up phone when he calls. He calls home phone and shouts i am irresponsible and doesn't deserve a phone.
    2. He calls me for something while i am cooking or cleaning dishes. I can't hear as the bedroom door is closed. He shouts that I need to see a ENT.
    3. He shouts if tea taste changes a bit. if food is not as expected etc etc.
    I quoted these examples to show how silly the reasons are. We are married since 8 years and he has no respect to me as a person. I am working from 10 years but no personal savings for myself.

    My problem is i couldn't take it anymore. esp after having baby. He shouts infront of him. If i ask to give few minutes so I engage my toddler in other room and return the discussion, he says baby should also listen how unworthy I am. Its too much for me now.
    When he is not in anger, he acts very nice. Talks about giving a nice upbringing to the child and all. But he says he couldn't control his rage. I feel very humiliated and unworthy. I have to think about every little thing so it doesn't trigger him. This is stressing me out.
    He is feeling that I stay cool and composed and make him show as a negative person in front of the kid and family. He keeps saying I trigger him and act innocent. The trigger points might be my mistakes like not picking phone or something else. But I take lot of care to reduce those. Still atleast 2-3 outbursts happen in a month.

    I really want to give my kid a good environment to grow up but I am failing in all aspects. I get stressed out and sometimes shouting on kid in that stress.
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Hey ILUser07 ,

    Does he behave in similar way with others ,at work or with his parents ? If yes he needs doctors help .Anger management is something that needs attention and immediate help .If he is behaving this way only with you its Bullying.May be because he is taking you for granted .As you mentioned he is a good partner and dad when he is not angry , did you try explaining him how his behavior is hurting you and relationship ??If he is insensitive to how you feel , please try behaving in similar way with him .When he doesnt answer you say its time to book ENT appointment and see the reaction ?If he is upset with what you said try explaining you feel the same when he talks to you .Please dont take stress and vent on a baby .I know its difficult to implement and easy to say .
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Op, I agree with @lavii. If this 'anger issue' is only with you, then he is taking you for granted. If not, he has to seek professional help.

    Anyway, you need to face it with courage. If he is not angry and in relaxed mood, tell him calmly that you cannot accept this behavior anymore as it is only towards you. He dont have issue with anyone else. He is setting a bad example for his kid. He is teaching his kid how to behave badly to his/her mom. Is that what he (dh) wants. If not he should avoid these kind of behavior in front of kid. Tell him that you also know how to be angry and shout like him for silly reasons, but you are not doing that because you respect him.

    Also tell him that if he cannot talk to you calmly, then stop talking to you till he can. Silence is better than anger. If he wants respect he has to show respect towards you. If he is angry, you are not going to respond back. Give him a strong message that if he loves you and like to have a good wife, then, he has to respect you.

    There are two ways completely ignore or give it back like lavii said. I am not asking to fight, but use your calm nature to your benefit. If he says anything in anger don't listen, completely ignore or move to another room. Dont respond back. Tell him you listen only if he talk in normal way.

    For example, if he shout on phone - tell him calmly to call you back when he calms down. Cut the call ( let him be angry on the other side) . Create an 'I dont care attitude' even if he complaints about it.

    or Next time if he mention about ENT to you. Tell him it is high time for him to see a doctor for managing his anger / bad behavior. He will be angry again, most probably. Then tell, if he feel bad, it is the same for everyone. Tell him he is taking you for granted and you dont like it. Tell him it is making you also angry and distancing you emotionally from him.

    OP, dont take anything he says in anger so seriously. Be insensitive to them.
    If he is behaving well, tell him you like this 'version of him' . Try to encourage positive aspects.

    Most important, take care of yourself well. You deserve your attention too. If you are upset, try to take deep breath, chant some mantras, or count 1 to 100 or change scene by moving away to another room. Please dont vent your anger to your kid. Also try to spend some time every day for you (Me time ) to relax. Try to detach emotionally from dh and dont expect anything from him for a while till you sort out these issues.
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2017
  4. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    you have got very good suggestions from the two above. In addition, since you are working for so long, its time you put away a little nest of savings for your personal control only, with or without your husband's permission. Although in almost every thread, we find suggestions for financial control and independence to some extent, it is true from personal experience too. We women tend to be taken for granted when men know that you cannot do any thing for yourself without their help.
    If efforts to talk to him calmly dont bear fruit, its time for you to just warn him , you are fed up and cannot carry on like this, spoiling your son's upbringing, as he will learn all the wrong things from his behaviour. For some time, just go about your jobs without showing him that you care for his outbursts. It may be difficult to ignore, but give him an ultimatum and say you are not going to respond in future for unnecessary tantrums! Sometimes, such drastic steps may be required , or the situation will continue for ever. Best wishes. Keep us updated.
     
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  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    These are signs that he needs anger management counselling.

    It's definitely too much. Tell him that kids see their parents as examples and he's teaching the son not to respect women n if it's a daughter to not respect herself. N that you will not stand for this kind of disrespect.

    Tell him that you can't be in an egg shell marriage throughout your life where you have to watch every step. N that you don't want to be "scared" of him.
    Everyone are unique, just like you have accepted him, he has to accept you too.

    This is a good point to use to give him an ultimatum.
    Tell him that he gets help n fix this now or he will lose his child n wife as you can't live life this forever n bring up your child witnessing this.

    N a word of warning, in some cases things have only gotten worse, like the frequency of these rage increases, then to public humiliation (in front of relatives, friends, outside), the increase in the "level" of rage,
    then to throwing things, threatening, physical abuse, etc.

    Am sure you may have tried all lovey dovey or soft or passive or quiet ways to sort this out including talking n explaining, well, it hasnt worked for you for so long.

    It's time to stand up for yourself or atleast do it for the kid.
    I believe he can still be helped n doesn't warrant a divorce.
    But if he doesn't take your ultimatum to get himself fixed, a little separation may help him to understand how serious you are.
    Don't let him get away with "I will change" n him being good for 3 months n start it all over again. Make each anger episode a "huge" deal, that's the only way he can be stopped. Say you will not let him treat you like that.

    Say it's ok if you don't pick up the phone now n then.
    Say it's ok if the tea tastes different
    Say it's ok if you can't hear him over all the noise.
    Say it's ok for you to have some misses.
    It's ok. N he better accept that.
    N say never talk you down in front of the kid. N if any bad luck, if your child even utters a word in that direction towards you, become a goddess Kali, we don't deserve to be treated that way.
     
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  6. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    I am a newly married girl and i am facing lot of troubles due to my husband. It was an arranged marriage and he is very rude and dominant in nature. I also feel he is very immatured sometimes . The problem with him is he never expresses love to me and when i ask about it he says there is nothing called love and it is only in movies. Sometimes he is ok to deal with but in some cases his anger is very high. He never treats me like a newly married girl. I left my job and got married too him and now he is pestering me to get a job . He talks as if i am fit for nothing. He complains that i am not beautiful , slim and good looking.(ppl say i am very good looking) and he doesnt feel like being intimate with me . If i enter into an argument he sometimes threatens me of divorce and again he cools down. on the other hand he says i am a very good girl and he could rarely find girls like me. His intimacy with me is very very low and i think he has some sexual issues . If i try to talk about it he will get very angry and will ignore me . For me sex is not a very big thing and only children are important . I wonder if i could get children with him .When i spoke with my parents about all this they told me to be patient and some guys will be like this in the beginning and later on they will change. I guess he is suffering from depression because he gets irritated with simple issues and he cannot comfortably mingle with new people. He looks very under confident to talk to new people. He got some speech issues as well. He will be silent and speaks very less with outside people but at home he scolds me very badly . Everything in the home should happen according to his wish. I can adjust to these issues but one things which makes me bad is the sexual intimacy. My parents said if there is an other girl in your place she might have changed him completely and made him to be good to her. They say that i am not able to deal with him and making everything a big issue.For every small reason he threatens of divorce and he calms down later. I dont know whats going on in his head . I personally think that he is showing his male chauvinism as i am completely dependent on him and as i dont have any alternative i have to obey him . He is very much money minded and he feels a person who earns money is very great and he/she can chose to live in a relationship .Due to his sexual problems i guess he is showing his frustration on me. To be honest i used to earn a lot before marriage and now also i can get a job . i got his depression transferred to me and i am unable to concentrate on job search these days . I am crying very badly in bathroom as i have no friends in this new place.Do you think i can ever have children with this guy ?? When the child topic comes he is very disinterested in that and tells me to concentrate on career.I come from a very conservative background and i dont want to leave him but on other hand i dont know how to handle him . I am tying for job also but still no luck . I dont know whether this is a testing period ? any girls with the same issues ? i wanted to lead a happy family life with kids and husband .what do you think i should do ??
     
  7. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    As you said he has various issues. One of them is speech. For that he can opt for the therapy and can improve on it. For sexual issues too there is a treatment if he is not a gay then he can be treated medically. He may get frustrated as society is sometimes harsh to the people having this kind of disability that many times is not acceptable by the person involved. You are the one who he find on the weaker side and feel that he can throw all his frustration on you. He is doing wrong but not intentionally to hurt you.
    There are various ways to control anger. If you really want then you have to bear a lot. You tell him that you can understand what he is going through and you are with him.
    Give him less of spices and oily food.
    You can play on TV some morning prayers or mantra that will slowly help him to lower his anger levels.
    You can also search for some ayurveda treatment and can add more of those spices in his food without telling him.
    If he uses mustard oil for head massage then tell him to use coconut oil.
    Do not interact much when he is angry.
    Many things need to be think differently for treatment purpose. I can just say try everything that you can.
     
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  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Why would you want to have a child with a angry, rude and disrespectful husband that does not think highly of you? Do you want to bring a child into a unhappy home and scar him for life ? It’s no cakewalk being brought up in a home where the parents do not respect each other. Fix your marriage and other issues first before another innocent life gets dragged into the mess for no fault of theirs. Your husband has self esteem issues, work on helping him overcome that. Seek professional / medical help to correct the intimacy, depression issues.
    If your parents are no help and make you feel worse, stop confiding in them. Benefits no one. Give yourself and the husband a deadline before which some attempts should be made in seeking help for his issues. If he is in denial and refuses to seek help decide if you want to continue spending your life with him.
    Please take care.


     
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  9. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Mounika

    Thank you very much for your support. He is not a gay as the marriage is consumated but his sexual desire is very low when compared to others.I heard newly married people are intimate every day .Another big problem is he is jobless from long time and he has no work due to visa issues . Therefore 24 hrs we are in the same place with not much of work getting depressed. More than his speech disability he has very low confidence and completely introvert. Fortunately he has a very good job and earnings. Its not true that i am not able to bear him but i expected a lot from husband before marriage and i am quite disappointed knowing the reality. He never helps me in my job search or driving classes. He always says you have to be independent and no one in this world will help you. On the other hand he says that " I am very good natured person" . Right now I am very confused and dont want to judge his behaviour as it is only few months of my marriage. I hope things will get better over time and start working on my career and make a world of my own. May be some men are more worse than him . I will try everything from my side to fix these issues.

    Appreciate your help!
     
  10. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Sandy candy

    Thank you so much for the support . I will work on your advise and see how things move on. He is disrespectful and rude but he is not completely like that down the clock . He is very normal some times but when he turns his ugly side i am unable to tolerate.
     
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