Husband with Anger Disorder

ILUser07 · Feb 3, 2016

I am in a hopeless situation with a 3 month baby responsibility on me.
My husband has severe anger management issue and he bursts out even on small petty issue. Eg. If he wants to cook an omelette for himself and he couldn't find a bowl to mix. That's enough. He starts shouting that nothing is in place, no one is responsible in home and asks us to get out of the home. If we try to answer, his anger triple folds and starts abusing me and my parents who are back in India.

I know about his anger before marriage and all through our 5 yrs of married life. I think I got adjusted to his behavior and with just 2 of us at home, he had very few triggering incidents.
But it has gotten worse when my in laws came to US for my delivery. He finds fault in everything and screams at top of his voice. With a new born at home, I am totally loosing it now though he is screaming at his own mother. I am very worried what impact it will have on my kid.
Before having the baby, he promised that he will not show his anger in front of the baby. But I am a stupid to believe his words.
Now he is saying, I can't control my anger. Everyone in home should take care that we don't do anything that makes him angry.
He is stooping day by day in my eyes and I am loosing all the love I had for him.
May be just now I am starting to see his true self. He abuses his parents, doesn't respect them, makes fun of them in front of me.
I am not liking the way he is treating them. and coming to my parents, he hates them the most. If he remembers them, he starts cursing and abusing.
Like has become hell.
On the flip side, he loves the baby so much. and of course loves me when everything is good.

Is there any solution or treatment to cure this?

KashmirFlower · Feb 3, 2016

good exercise like an hour jogging / fast walking
yoga and pranayama and meditation

and get him anger management books, u both read and do those exercises or to do sheets in the book, u also with him, because he needs help, and with ur help it can possible, if he is willing to change himself.

sokanasanah · Feb 3, 2016

ILUser07 said: ↑

....Now he is saying, I can't control my anger.
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Is there any solution or treatment to cure this?
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Does he rail and rant at work? At university? Among friends? Has it been a problem professionally / socially?

jillcastle · Feb 4, 2016

ILUser07 said: ↑

Now he is saying, I can't control my anger. Everyone in home should take care that we don't do anything that makes him angry.
He is stooping day by day in my eyes and I am loosing all the love I had for him
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Ask him is it the same at his office too. I mean, all including his manager, and the CEO take care to not do anything that would make him angry?

OP, this has become a habit for him and his parents are at fault for enabling this behaviour. Dont make the same mistake. When he is in a good mood, ask him to for anger management classes. Tell him the effects his anger would cause on your kid if he does not stop it.

ILUser07 · Feb 4, 2016

He does this only with the people that he takes for granted. i.e Family and close friends(rarely). He is just fine at work.
My MIL admitted that its her fault. He is born after two girls and my MIL is desperate for a boy that time. So from his childhood, what ever he did my in laws never told him what is right and what is wrong.
Even now, he scream and almost hits my MIL. After some time he asks for tea and she prepares it and chats with him very casually as if nothing is happened.

sokanasanah · Feb 4, 2016

ILUser07 said: ↑

He does this only with the people that he takes for granted. i.e Family and close friends(rarely). He is just fine at work.
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So, there you have your answer. He can control his anger.

It's not a pathology, so questions of a 'treatment' or 'cure' do not arise.

It is willful self indulgence in situations that have no consequences for bad behavior. Unless he is willing to change and/or you are capable/willing to impose some sort of 'sanction' there is not much that can be done.

If he can acknowledge a problem, in that he is causing pain and hurt to those he claims to love, then the rest is a matter of technique. Of that, there are quite a few - some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy being the most accessible.

Ragini25 · Feb 4, 2016

ILUser07 said: ↑

He does this only with the people that he takes for granted. i.e Family and close friends(rarely). He is just fine at work.
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That sort of situation is more common than we think (esp in some Indian families). That requires a re-training at home - not easy, given its 20 years of habit that he has formed, but can happen only slowly. These sort of people are normally loving people but yell like crazy when they are angry. He is yelling at his parents too (so its not just you) - so its probably a 20 yrs habit.

ILUser07 · Feb 4, 2016

sokanasanah said: ↑

It is willful self indulgence in situations that have no consequences for bad behavior.
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The more I read this statement, more sense its making. I never realized it but these days I feel the same. Its because he never lost anything because of his anger. We all are right there when he needed. So he doesn't have any regrets. Before at least he used to be sorry. After my in laws came here, he is not even apologizing for his behavior.
If I want to teach him that it does not work always, I goes wild and hurts himself.

Ragini25 said: ↑

its probably a 20 yrs habit.
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I am afraid, the count is continuing to increase.

vaidehi71 · Feb 4, 2016

As already suggested probably would benefit from psychologist counselling with cognitive behaviour therapy. For which he needs to accept the fact of his anger and undergo therapy for the same.

Lakshmipav · Feb 4, 2016

@op,

same problem I posted back some time .. There is no way they change .. It's Thier habit ..n we wil also be habituated for adjust..that's how life is ..

apart from anger he loves u n baby that's fine this is the only point we need to consider ..we can't change them they have to change themselves which they never do ..