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Husband & wife communication problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by smilesofty, Sep 13, 2013.

  1. smilesofty

    smilesofty New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am married for 1 year 10 months and I have an 11months son. My husband is very caring but does not have time to help me or take care of DS (taking to hospital, vaccinations, small shopping, etc. I have a good MIL, so I will go with her). So he shows his care in giving me suggestions do this, do that, that is good for your health, take food on time, etc. It may not be possible to manage all the things in a perfect manner as I am working and I have a small kid. once in a while if some thing happens like I won't take food on time or any things like hitting my hand to wall (nothing happens to me), he becomes very angry on me and scolds me like anything saying U don't have brain, how can you take care of DS and takes DS and gives to MIL. I feel like dieing at that moment thinking I am doing all the things for them only and the things causing anger are also the problems of me only instead of understanding the situation, he is scolding me only. And that anger stays many days may be some times a weak to 10 days (till I say sorry and I won't behave like that again).

    And his nature is completely different to me. I am a easy gong girl doing all the things in planned way. But he expects all the last minutes things to be done in perfect manner that may not be possible all the time. He gets angry very often for small things also. I think that there is no matter in becoming anger in some situations. If I say any one word in that moment he derives all the negative meanings from a single dialog I said. In these kind of situations happening very frequently I am becoming very much depressed and feeling like marriage life is over... No love, no happyness nothing. I have conceived just after 1 month of the marriage and I did not get any time to go out or njoy due to health condition at that time. And after the delivery my IL’s shifted to our place permanently and there is no chance to go out. In such a situation also I am tryig to find out happyness in small small things like spending some time with DS and DH but with DH nature I am losing the hope to live and feeling like a machine doing all the things for them and working.

    As we both have different nature what ever I speak that is transferred to him as a negative thing and creating more distance between us. So I just stopped talking to him general things. I will talk to him if necessary. We used to cuddle, hug and make love before my delivery and some days after the delivery also. But these communication problems created a distance between us. I don’t like we both in this way but I am not getting that freeness again to mingle with him. I am having a fear inside what to speak and what not to.. If again I speak anything wrong then again the distance is going to be increased.

    If I tell this to MIL, she says that her son is very good and also tells that, you have heard so many things about your friends husbands. Comapred to many, he is so nice person and all. Now also I am not expecting any thing except his love and some time together.
    Can you please suggest me how to cope up with him… I won’t talk in a hurting way also infact his words only hurts me a lot. I am very sensitive and soft in nature. With these siuations I am loosing hope to live.
    If the mistake is from my side, please correct me.
    Sorry for the long post..

    Thanks,
    Softy
     
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  2. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Tell the same thing when is in cool condition, clearly present ur feelings as how u get hurt with that behaviour.
     
  3. smilesofty

    smilesofty New IL'ite

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    Tried that also.. when I start about my feelings his mood will be changed immediatly and scolds saying you spoiled my mood and when husband comes to you, you don't know how to behave with him, your mother didn't teach you how to behave with husband and all. Then only I started talking only neccessary things.
     
  4. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    send him an email with all your feelings & fears ..........don't accuse him but just express your concerns & reactions........
    you have been married for less then 2 yrs & it will take more time to understand each other & react accordingly...give yourself time but don't stop from trying..........express your views but be prepared for the way he reacts ,ignore his reaction & go to second point.......
    when sad try to see the bigger picture.......like when I feel sad about my hubby's action I try & remind myself about his good qualities & believe me focusing on good really helps.
     
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  5. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Didn't his mom teached him the same? Try Mahajanpragati advice once.
     
  6. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    You need some patience as your DH is otherwise very caring but shows his anger on small matters, you have a nice MIL, they are all your plus points in life, you are getting stressed because you have toddler and your work which occupies most of your time, dont worry everything will change according to time,only thing you should wait patiently , as your DS is growing up involve his Daddy more in doing things for him that way even your communication will get better. Yes your MIL is right, you are blessed to have a DH who is understanding while compared to many women ( 80% in this forum itself ).
     
  7. smilesofty

    smilesofty New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your replies.. I will surely follow your suggestions.. I will send an email to DH, I will try to deviate when I feel sad and I will try to be patient.
     
  8. smilesofty

    smilesofty New IL'ite

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    Some body has sent me a private message and I am unable to see that.. It is showing as you need to have 10 posts in last 1month to see the private message so it may take time for me to see your message.
     
  9. tlsriman

    tlsriman Silver IL'ite

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    just check his email reading habits before sending mail, so that you have sent short or long mail.
    Like every one said don't blame him or yourself. Tell him you need his love and affection shown in positive way to you.
    Both of you can keep the baby on lap and cuddle each other for 5 min while talking about the baby to start with.
    You have to ensure you don't shout/hurt yourself etc.
    Even after doing all these you may feel noting improves. But be patient for your kid - which needs lot of positive energy around to grow well.

    Also see if you can have general chat with him along with his parents while watching TV, listening to music, playing with kid etc. Ask you MIL to help you. She seems to be a nice lady. This will help the ice to break.

    All the best.
     

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