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Husband wants to move to USA for 3 years

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by umasundara, Jun 30, 2010.

  1. umasundara

    umasundara New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your time in helping out others.
    Myself,i live in Bangalore am 35 years old married and both me and hubby work in software firms.
    I have 2 kids aged 9 and 5 and my Mother in law lives with us.My parents also shifted from their place to help me nearby as i work and also my dad has medical problems,i am the only child.
    Initial 2 years of my marriage my husband was posted abroad (USA) and though i didnt like living there i managed and we wrapped up and came home.
    We are quite ok financially also have some decent savings and are both earning.
    Now my husband is getting offers to go abroad -USA again for 2 3 years and he is asking me to consider it.
    I am not for it for i have so much to consider-the kids are old,i may have to leave job,grapple with kids studies now there and again after we come back,leave my parents alone and also do all housework there-here i have a good maid support.
    If i put these things in front of my husband he says these are simple issues,but i dont understand.
    I dont want to hurt him ,how do i make him see my point of view.
    Is it wrong to worry for my parents...also i dont have any strength to consider a change at this juncture of life.
    He feels that the life style there is much better and we should show our kids such places.
    Please comment
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Personally, I would not want to move either if I were in your shoes. You're right, there are a lot of good reasons to stay in India. You need to sit down with your husband and show him the pros and cons as you see it. Yes, the money might be better in US, and your kids would get to see a new place... but what you all would have to give up is a lot. Your kids would be uprooted from their school and circle of friends, you all wouldn't be close to family anymore, you'd have to leave your job... those aren't simple issues. It seems your husband is being selfish and only thinking what HE wants, not what is best for you, the kids, his mom, or your parents. Remind him that you have tried this living abroad thing before, and you didn't like it! Ask him to look at the WHOLE PICTURE and take into account everything you would be giving up. Make it clear that this isn't what you want. Hopefully he will come to his senses and realize he had his abroad experience before, and now it's you and the kids turn to have a stable family experience.

    Good luck...
     
  3. SreeSri

    SreeSri Gold IL'ite

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    I am always trying to hate this ASG for her quick and open opinions, but so far failing :) (ASG: just kiddin.... )

    Uma: given your family background, I am with your and ASG's opinion.
    There are few points supporting the argument:
    1) Your kids are already in the primary schools in India, changing their academic world all together is incorrect at this time(if they were born and were there in US till 7th/9th month, it may make sense to relocate to India, but not the otherway around).
    2) You got your MIL, parents around, believe me you will lose a lot by being away from them(mentally). For the sake of their welfare and respecting their age, I would say, stay with them till they need your help(physical, financial and emotional)
    3) After 2-3 years you will go back again to India, again its hard on kids(their circle and education).
    4) More important thing: Now a days, I can see in India also the salaries, facilities are comparable with US, I dont know whats the motivating factor of your DH proposal of re-location.
    4) The better plan for a couple would be, to spend good time for the first 10 years of their kid's age(I am planning so) and relocate back to home, settle down (without thinking about US or other world anymore) is the best option..
    In any event, analyze your situation a lot (write down on a paper, keep talking about each of them with your Hub and family), make a wise decision
    Good luck
     
  4. umasundara

    umasundara New IL'ite

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    Thanks ASG and Sreeni...the thing is that recently my sister in law is moving to us for 3 years and this is influencing my husband and mil heavily to also go abroad.i dont understand such rash decisions...i have also told my hubby if it is a question of showing USA to the kids we could do it as avacation also..but you know how these things are..i am shown in poor light here in front of mil and hubby.when i explain to him that now what we now need is a stable life he doesnt empathise...
     
  5. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Uma,

    I understand your situation,I would suggest you to list pros and cons of "Why we shd go to US" on a sheet of paper,discuss the same with your DH to weigh them,dont jump into conclusions and dont try to convince DH tht your decision is right,ask him to give his inputs/priorities,listen to his prespective and then share your views,your insecurities and then finally take a call considering all the factors like job stability in US under current scenerio, your kids age & future,responsibilities of ur inlaws/parents,adjusting to new lifestyle/environment,savings and so on.

    Communication is the key here,Good luck

    Cheers!!!!
     
  6. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    In my opinion, you are just little apprehensive of change. It is understandable given your situation(from whatever you have written). But,I would say also look into how good this offer is going to be for your DH in terms of career growth. If you feel it is going to benefit him,then it may be a good idea to give in. If you think its not going to make much difference for him career or money wise then list out the negatives(like some one has mentioned) and talk to him. Ultimately, communication is the key.
     
  7. lotusgirl

    lotusgirl Senior IL'ite

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    ok, i have been planning to write a reply to this for couple of days.. so here it goes...it would be slightly a differnt take on this.. maybe you can feel where your DH is coming from too?

    i do understand your concerns.. they do seem pretty valid reasons, but most of them have a workable solution too.. dont they honestly?
    Schools, house work etc are just something that you find as a reason as cons to the move.. when you say about schools, my cousins who were in armed forces come into mind. they havd transfers often, the kids manage with the same ease the parents manage. what about bank officials too? So this is a very doable thing, so no wonder your DH feels that way too..

    But my main concern was you saying you did not like it the first time you lived there.. So couldnt that be the main reason behind you feeling all these reasons against the move?
    About your job, why not try there too? i dont know your field of work, but some jobs allow long leaves.. if its IT you can try there..or take this as a well earned break for yourself & treat yourself & your kids :)
    you do have a valid point again when it comes to your parents situation.. Only you know them best.. are they dependant on you for day to day life? have you talked to them about this? do you know how they feel about it??
    What about your MIL? i understand shes eager for you guys to go.. but what will happen to her?? shes staying with you guys right?

    Dont hate change just becuase its a change.. you never know what it will bring..
    But in the end , if you really really hated the life there and you know its going to be exactly the same, this would cuase huge resentment to you & that would not help the move at all..
    So talk to your DH about the real issues.. talk to him what made you hate the life there the first time if he doesnt know about how strongly you feel...
    Hope you are able to resolve this soon...
     
  8. mapleleaf

    mapleleaf Silver IL'ite

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    Did your DH ask your kids if they are willing to move for 2/3 years and be back home after that? Your 9 year old is old enough to have a opinion of his own and kids' opinion do matter.You simply cannot force children to do something they are not ready to do as it will affect their academic, mental and emotional growth.
    You have very valid reasons to not de-stabalize the whole household just don't bring your parents as a reason as it might not sit well with DH and MIL if they do not favour them much.
    Hopefully you can find a smooth solution soon
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2010
  9. umasundara

    umasundara New IL'ite

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    All
    Its so nice to see you all take your time out and help me see reason.THANKS hugely:)
    Once again i am basing the decision solely on the fact that
    1.we are settled and fine here.
    2.My husband sees it purely as a lifestyle change need as INDIA is not the right place to bring up kids anymore with social problems like TERROR.
    3.My MIL will come with us.
    4.My father is very burdened by medical problems and 3 years is a long time for him to manage..he needs me around to help him with his drs atleast once every 3 months but this is not a reason my DH or MIL will see logic with.Also we dont have any close relatives who can help out with this issue as all are occupied with their own issues in life.
    5.Again,my husband gets small trips often to USA say 2 3 months which he has taken 2 3 times and i feel thats enough for him to advance his career needs.
    Waiting for your thoughts on this...
     
  10. CharuKaur

    CharuKaur Senior IL'ite

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    Hi there
    In my opinion, men favor such moves based on "peer pressure" also. They have this tendency of taking the stability in life for granted just because their friend A is in US or B is considering further studies from a foreign university etc.. I will suggest that on top of these reasons that you have enlisted, also quote some examples of couples/families who are well settled in India. Emphasise on the fact that your parents need you and suggest if you could also bring your parents along to the US.... you might also want to discuss with your kids and then put up a case in front of your husband. Men need a vision and push for things they have decided against... you have to be strong and firm in communicating your opinion.
    hope things settle soon for you dear!
    Good luck.

     

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