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Husband Wants To Manage Money

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rider123, Jan 22, 2019.

  1. rider123

    rider123 New IL'ite

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    Hello friends,

    This is my first post and excuse me if there are any mistakes.I have been married for 6 years and have 2 year old kid.All these years I have faced ups and downs.After my marriage I went to USA to join my husband as he was working there.Once his project was completed we came back to India and that is the time all the troubles came mostly because of my MIL.All the money which we saved till now was given to my husband's parents to manage.I told my husband not to give it to them but my H promised me that they will not misuse the money they will give it back once we go to INDIA and that did not happen as I already expected.My MIL used to force me to have kids.She also told my husband to take me to doctor for check up if there is any problem with me.I went everything was fine and finally her wish came true.Whatever she wanted she made that happen according to her needs.


    Recently his brother got married.To let her younger son get married she told lot of lies that all the property which we earned were his.We just kept quiet and she always takes chance because me and my family are very soft spoken and are away from these kind of fights.I really went through a very tough stage.My husband instead of asking or fighting with his parents he used to yell and shout at me for that money.I dont know what runs in his mind but he always talks nicely to his parents and tells me that its just normal conversation and i get angry on that.We bought a home and my husband kept that on his name.For housewarming without informing us she called my co-sisters parents.When there was a pooja at my co-sisters home she did not invite my parents.When I asked this to my husband his reply was what can I do its her wish to invite or not.Like this there were lot of big and small issues always going on everyday everytime.

    He still did not get the property which he gave to his parents and now he wants to manage the money which my parents gave as dowry.How can I give it to him?Its true that Im not able to mange/invest that money. on a safe side I just kept in them in bank with low interest rates.Now he is saying to put those in mutual funds or shares.He doesnt even respect me as a wife now a days.whenever we have a fight he calls my parents and tell them to take to my home.He just uses some bad words infront of my kid sometimes I really get hurt deeply.He is same like his mother just whatever he want makes it happen.Sometimes I feel like going somewhere.My parents are aged now and they have health issues I dont want to trouble them because of my problems but my H not let that happen.His parents without hardworking easily robbed money and staying happily.
     
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    First thing is dont ever give that money which your parents gave as dowry to your husband.

    Secondly are you working now? If not can you start working and invest in a property in your name if possible.

    And you told that your co sister had house warming recently, was it with the help of your money? If so demand them that it’s your money and you need it back. But this can happen only if you and your DH are in same pages. If he is not interested then it’s very difficult for them to return that money.

    I’m sure your inlaws will never return that money and it’s also possible that they might help your BIL and his family.

    Calmly speak to your DH that money your parents gave is for future expenses for kids education and so on. You don’t like to invest that on such things as you cannot predict the markets.

    Keep forcing him to ask your inlaws about the money. You can tell him to buy some land or property with that money instead of simply leaving with your inlaws.You can earn lakhs together if you sell that land.
     
    DDream likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Just say NO to him whenever he says he can manage your money given by your parents. Its gift for you &kids and dont allow anyone to play with it.
    Let him bring back the money he has given to his family, then only you will think about sharing money in your name. Tell him that way. But I feel that these kind if arguments lead to more fights.

    You are an adult you can manage your money very well. Keep in fixed deposit for many years. You may get less interest but you dont loose money by investing in risky methods. Be confident about your ability to manage your money. Just listen and dont respond. Take control of your finances, save money in your name. If he say anything about it, tell him you dont want to talk about it then ask him what happened to the money you guys saved. Try to be financially independent and save everything in your name, till you gain some confidence in him. Till then say NO.Be firm on it, let him call your parents or whatever. Go to silent mode if he gets angry. Let him shout as much as he want. But if you give in and give money he will keep on doing the same. Never give money if he shout at you.

    When you are relaxed and if you think you can talk in composed way, only then discuss your concerns with him ,that too only when he is in calm state. Also tell him kids are learning from him and request to avoid arguments in front of kids or not to drag parents into it. It doesn't mean you need to give him money. Dont yield to his demands. He can save his money, if so, you too can.

    Last but not the least, dont mix the past issues with this current issue of your money. Treat it separate. No need to blame his parents. Your husband is not a kid, he knows what he did and its consequence. He also knows that his anger mode is making you yield in. I feel it's his tactic. That's what you have to break. Don't allow anyone to treat you bad. Be firm with it. Just show him you dont care a bit when he treats you bad and try to be happy with your kids. Focus on your life, try to find a job if you can and be independent. Be strong and confident.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, you have in-laws who have low morals w.r.t. taking son's money, presented false financial image to younger son's in-laws, interfere in your personal matters like family planning, a husband who puts up with that nonsense, and who is currently not being very nice, pleasant or reasonable with you. On the positive side, you have money in the bank in your name, a husband who earns so much that even after parents cheated him he could buy another property, you have a child, and you were able to experience living abroad. And other things like good health, parents around to see your child born, and husband in an apparently steady job.

    Your main goal is and should be safeguarding your family's financial situation, now and future. Second is to do it without unduly impacting your marriage. Approach this with the calm of a woman, not the petulance of a child. In a calculated way, with lesser emotional outburst.

    1. The money he gave his family and not given back to you guys after you moved back to India, forget it. Money is lost, now don't lose peace in marriage because of it. You've been married just 6 years. There is a lifetime remaining to make up for the lost money. Maybe your husband owed his parents in some way such as his education costs, etc.

    2. Make your husband yours. His mother invites your co-sister's parents. Bring up the issue. When he says he can't do anything if she invites, accept that, and from then on treat his mother's act as treason against both of you. Use that act of hers to reinforce you and husband as a unit. The trick is to not criticize his mother endlessly, just mention it once, casually, and say it was a disrespect to the two of you. Then, let it go. You get to be the one who took the higher road, he does not get blamed for his mother's act, and he acknowledges his mother's wrong.

    3. Main issue - your dowry money that he wants to manage. You don't have time to manage it. Play smart. Leaving it in low interest account is foolish. If in 6 years you didn't find time, you won't with a 2-3 yr old child. So, tell husband that yes, money is languishing in that account. Say you want to invest it better. Want to learn. And no better way to learn than with your own money. Don't bring up his failure to get money back from parents. He seems to know more than you about investment. So, learn from him. Ask him for websites you can read up. Let him invest your money, but you be in the loop. You be aware of what is happening. You know the password too. You ensure that your money is not mixed with other money. Any action taken on your money should be with your prior approval. Get all this to happen without blaming him for past events or too much emphasis on "my" in "my money".

    4. Make your husband yours. Make him prefer your company to that of his mother. Choose your battles. Choose your victories. Let the small stuff slide. Do not nag him for his mother's acts. Keep doing whatever you can to reinforce the idea that you two are a unit. For a while, ignore his temper, word to your family, and keep working on making your husband yours. You are his wife.

    Forget the past money loss. And don't let things like co-sister family invited to housewarming spoil your marriage and happiness in it. Think smart -- it was a housewarming and some x,y,z people came. So be it. You are doing this ignoring not because you are a woman or due to in-laws or patriarchal society... you are doing it as a smart tactical move towards the dynamics you want to achieve in your marriage.
     
    Amica, rider123, msm and 6 others like this.
  5. jyotiparab

    jyotiparab Silver IL'ite

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    very well said and good piece of advice @Rihana
     
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  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    3 is a good advice really. OP, money is money, it's better to multiply it, then let it fester in a bank account especially if it is a huge sum. With time, it won't have any value. What Rihana said is 100% true. Either you do the management or let him do it for you. Don't let money create a rift between you two.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana has shared very valid points, especially the need to focus on the marriage than money now.

    I think OP is worried that her money will be given to his parents to manage. May be completely stopping any talk about the money he has given to parents will be a good try. When ever he talks about it, just be be empathetic and request him not to talk about it as if you are not interested in it. Once he notice that you are not after that money, he may come back to you. [Please ignore my comments above on asking about the money he has given to his parents. Rest are ok. I thought it was earned by you not him. Just now realised that he only worked during that time. In that case it's not good to ask about it. I feel that your dh didn't expect these kind of events and asking about it create a guilty feeling in him and can create more issues]. No one likes to hear any complaints about their own parents even if they know that something is not right.

    Till then discussing about money or investment can wait as it may lead to fights. Gaining confidence in each other and building a team is important now than money. In future, if you decide to invest money somewhere make sure your name is on it and you have full access to it. But do it only when you are fully convinced about it. The decision should be done by you but not imposed on you by him. Exploring about investment options are not a bad idea. Try your level best not to argue or fight in front of kids. Big No to any kind of verbal abuse.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op.... Six yearsand a child on ,your husband does not involve you in his finances . He does what he wants.It would have been nice if he had bought the house on joint name....but that is not the way he thinks.

    Do not give him your money to manage.
    Let him learn to manage his money ( without in laws interference) ....before he thinks about managing the money earned by your parents.

    Be smart. Stop acting like a helpless damsel in distress. Learn about money .
    Put half your money in Fds and invest the rest . Take your dad's help and advice . If husband is willing to advice,take it ,but invest in your name .
    You can add his name when he puts your name in his investments.
    Do all this without any drama.

    As for the rest....it does not matter.
    Mil called her parents....does it matter?
    Lesser such people interact with your parents,better it is.
    You call your parents for your pujas.

    The money given to your in laws is lost. Tell your husband that once and tell him you both should not bring it up any more and spoil your moods. Say it in a calm voice and a smile. Let him think about it all on his own.

    Most importantly, try to get a job .Even a part time one.
    If that is not possible now with a young child.....study. improve your qualification while you are taking care of the young one.
     
  9. rider123

    rider123 New IL'ite

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    Thank you all(Shravs3,Rhihana,DDream,Jyotiparab,sarvantaryamini,yellowmango )for your valuable suggestions.
    I now really feel somewhat better that I have somebody to suggest me.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    your husband is very immature. he needs to understand who is family and who is extended family. do not share money access till you in your heart know he is working towards his family and his kid.

    do not criticize his mother. blood is thicker all the time. he will go more away from you than come closer to you. find ways to bond with him and more important he should bond with you .

    let those co-sisters issue slide, those are emotional issues . it might look big to you as a woman. in long run you are facing bigger issue like your H is not thinking how to grow his family and plan for his kid.
     

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