Husband wants mil and fil to stay with us

sonu1973 · Feb 15, 2008

Hi

I wanted some advise and was wandering if anyone could help me.
My husband is the only son with 3 sisters who are all married.
At present we live away from my inlaws, i have been married 3 years, have as one 0f 19 months and expecting my second baby.
My mil created alot of problems not only for me but for herself to and in the end as u know the dil always gets the blame for everything....
There was always back gossiping going on with her and her daugthers and then to top it all my mums sister came over for diwali to their house and while i was upstairs feeding my son she was downstairs saying bad things about my family to her....but my point is that if she had a problem with me or my family then she should have spoken to me and i would have spoken to my family about it but no she decides to slate them off...and then she lies too and starts crying..so in the end i got so fed up that i confronted her...and she denied everything.....so how can i trust her and the conclusion is that we hardly talk now...
Now the dilema is that my husband would obviously like them to come and stay with us and thinks there will not be a problem..thing is my mil likes thinks her way and my life would change drastically....in my house i wouldnt be free to do as i feel and go as i feel....my husband says that they can look after our kids which i am not happy about as she has never offered to look after my son and now i am 7 months jpregnant she has never picked up the fone to ask how i am so why would i expect her to llook after my children...
i dont know what my husband is thinking but i forsee problems..and then what would go in our our house her daughters would know eevrything i dont want that...
i dont know how to deal with it....my husband would have to take them everywhere as they like to go out and i dont always wnt to go where they go and why should i to a degree....if they had treated me correctly from teh beginning then i would have....
my mil created such a big issue on my sons naming ceremony which was on the 6th day and plus i had a c section..i didnt want a naming ceremony and nor did my husband but then i convinced him saying its their first grandson and all they did was make things up about me...i burst into tears due to my hormones and she said i was crying cause i didnt want a naming ceremonly....then they like to drink all the time and my family dont drink so they criticised that, then she stayed with us for 5 days and said oh i didnt let her give my son a bath but she never asked or said anything to me or why else would i say no...she made me so depressed....and i dont want to go thru the same again......

Please help me what to do

roopadadia · Feb 15, 2008

Dear Sonu,

If your husband has decided to bring his parents i don't think you can do anything about it.

I can only say that tackle things diplomatically...also you have an edge now for not doing something that you don't like by giving an excuse of feeling weak or not wanting to over excert yourself.

Whatever happens don't get excited/tensed and take care of yourself at this stage. Just think whatever happens happens for good...try to be cheerful and happy. Remeber what ever your emotional state it will reflect on your child and i am sure you want a happy baby.

So currently take thiongs as they come and maybe give a mild warning to your husband of what to expect when his parents are here...but don't fight as it will not do you any good health wise.

All the best

Warm regards
Roopa.

Aarushi · Feb 15, 2008

Hi Sonu,

Have you talked to your husband about all your thoughts? Have you told him whatever you wrote here? What was his reaction??

Is there something that has happened recently that he wants his parents to come and stay with you at this critical juncture in your pregnancy...knowing how bad things were between you and his parents last time??

I think you need to communicate to your husband that now is not a good time to get your in-laws here. Tell him that you are stressed out and since you had such a harrowing time last time when they were there, you would like to talk about inviting anybody to your home sometime AFTER your delivery.

Tell him that you do not need all this tension in the last trimester as it is not good for the baby or you.

Tell him that you would be the one with them all day (as he would be in office) and you don't think you're up to handling any tension right now.

Pregnancy and delivery are times where the pregnant woman's wishes should be followed. I firmly believe that if the mother is happy, then the child also will benefit.

So be firm with your husband...tell him that you'd like to have your in-laws over but later...not now...

Communicate in a soft but firm manner. No need to plead or yell...just talk to him in a reasonable manner...so he understands the rationale behind what you are trying to say...

Let us know what happens...

love,
Aarushi

PS: where are you parents in all of this? Can they come to help you out during delivery time?

sonu1973 · Feb 18, 2008

Hi Aarushi

Thank you for ur reply

Yes i have spoken to my husband about all this and he does not seem to think there will be any problem when they come...i think he just wants things to be ok like any other husband....

Yes my family are going to help me after the baby...my masi is taking 6 weeks off to come and help as last time my mum came for 2 days and my mil for 5 days and my mil caused to much problems so this time i said no i want my family to come atleast i dont have any stress...
My mil wont say anything to me but when i am in hospital she will tell my husband on the phone and then he will come and tell me but this time i have to be strong and put my foot down as i dont want to have any kind of stress...

It will be hard but i guess i dont have much choice....in 7 months she not asked how i am or how the baby is so she will not have a say once the baby is born...she cant just take over whne she feels like...just to do her silly traditions...

I shall wait and watch and see how things go...

thank you for ur advise and i will keep u updated...