Husband threatening to divorce me.. what should I do?

aradhana · Jun 14, 2015

Not like before fights, yesterday night fight gave a shock to me and made me to think about my future in married life.

My H is having low sperm count and he is taking treatment for that for past 2 years. Last week I found out that a whole bunch of his prescribed tablets not eaten. When I question him about it yesterday, he didnt answer, but this time I firmly stood for his answer, that why he didn't eaten those tablets. He said that he will either divorce me or I will sent to my mom's house if I ask him any question.

Every time he always drag to take sperm analysis test and postpone some days to collect result from lab, again drag some 10 to 15 days to consult the doctor with the result. After all this he will purchase tablets and he will not eat it.

What more I can do? I have waited for him for 4 years of marriage life to make him understand that his treatment is important to get me conceive. Still he is not willing to do any initiative for that. Every time I have remind him for test taking, report collection, doctor consultation and to eat tablets.

From yesterday fight, I m thinking, why I have live with him who dont want to get question for anything.

As a wife, dont I should not ask him, why he didnt take him tablet and not co-operating for treatment.

CrayoNess · Jun 14, 2015

It sounds like he feel pressurized and maybe not ready for a child or find the procedures humiliating. Could you take a break from the ttc and work on your relationship for a while? Do you do things together, having vacations together?

jaden · Jun 14, 2015

Having been through fertility treatments i do understand the pressure you and your husband are in.Believe me even men go through anxiety when there's a ttc pressure.Its very difficult for a man to accept that there is a problem with him,and he is responsible for not conceiving.And you standing on his head,confronting him wont help this in any way.Rather be extremely polite and show some empathy.
Imagine how difficult it is to shag in into a cup???Dear its not easy,but yes it has to be done.
I would suggest counselling.You need to relax a bit and make him relaxed too in this journey.Please dont be tough on him,because by doing so you are making it all the more difficult for yourself.There shouldnt be any finger pointing when it comes to fertility.It can happen to anyone at anytime.Be more loving to your hubby,and try to find out whats going on in his mind.

guesshoo · Jun 14, 2015

Some people just use the word divorce in aggression. I wonder if your husband is one of them. How was your relationship otherwise? Are you happy together? Is your husband happy to have a child right now? Does he need more time? Is even interested in getting treatment or is he feeling pressurised into it? It is ridiculous that he is spending money to go to the consultant and buy medicines but won't eat them. You both need to talk. If you are not sure that you're both are going to be able to talk in a civilised manner then you might be better off going to counselling.

pear · Jun 15, 2015

Dear op,

Maybe your dh is afraid of failure even with tablets and dont want to go through the humiliation of accepting that he is infertile.Its easier to not eat the tablets and stay in denial. Hes not taking the tablets or stops using it mid way getting cold feet after you not conceiving or afraid of the lab results after the course? find out the actual problem and be more understanding.Relax your ttc for some time and improve your relationship.And lastly dont blow with anger to deal with this . Maybe you need to assure him that you are ready to accept his failure if it comes to that.

JustLikeYou · Jun 15, 2015

I can understand the pressure of TTC and infertility. WOmen will jump right in and work hard but men cannot accept that they are the one to be blamed. if your relationship is otherwise good, give it a break.

aradhana · Jun 16, 2015

Thanks to CrayoNess, jaden, guesshoo, pear, justlikeyou for taken time to read, analyse and reply to my problem.

Now I feel like, I should give a breakup for ttc for few months. I too doesnt want to blame him for his problems, but even after giving him time for 3 years and he is not taking any steps for his treatment, I m little lost my patience.

Our relationship having no major problems apart from this.

SGBV · Jun 16, 2015

I think your H is pressurized. A man's masculinity is challenged when he is held responsible for the childlessness. It hurts their male ego, and that collapse them.

In addition, some men like to live in denial. They think by denying the fact that they have problems, means they have no problems. It is more convenient solution though not permanent.

I see both issues in your husband's case. He is too pressurized about having to see a doctor, take the test and then the medicines. In top of it, he may be pressurized of proving a result by giving a child to his wife asap. Apparently this man likes to live in denial, but your reminders makes his already fragile male ego hurt.

As someone suggested, he may have used the word "divorce" just to shut you down.

Better give your TTC a break. Inform him this, and start your life casually without talking about TTC stuff. At the same time, encourage him to continue his medication.
Eg: Don't tell him that you are waiting for 4 yrs and you can't wait long to have a baby. Instead, remind him daily to take his medication, and timely reminders about the rests and check ups. But don't use the word TTC or kid right now. Don't show your frustration on him.

pumpkin01 · Jun 16, 2015

Have gone through the TTC phase and agree with what others said it's hard for man to accept ....... give a break to your ttc and make him feel that you are with him in this tough phase that is more important.... don't pressurize him...... try to give him foods that helps in increasing the sperm quality/quantity.....the fertility game is one of the tough thing.... you don't know when you will get the result but you have to keep trying also.....

want to add one thing --- With this ttc phase don't forget to care for each other... live your life so that when you look back you won't feel that those years are just wasted only in ttc......... this is my personal experience...... though we were sad/worried tensed but we made sure we go for holiday/outing etc so atleast we are not feeling that I wasted those years only in tears.

Grihani · Jun 16, 2015

Give it a break, never bring up this issue again, enjoy intimacy without feeling the pressure of conceiving, a child certainly is a blessing, but one can derive happiness in many ways, dont lose what you have now for what might be, you can always adopt, be cheerful around your husband, and let him think that you are happy and love him regardless. He needs normalcy, your support now. HE is important now not the future child.