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Husband struggling with his career

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by daffoteji, Dec 31, 2013.

  1. Frontier

    Frontier Silver IL'ite

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    Money is extremely important. No doubt about that. But life is full of uncertainties. Someone who is doing well today may not do well tomorrow. One can fall sick, become disabled etc. Marriage is a serious commitment. If you decide to divorce this chap and get married to someone else, evaluate your decision from every angle before you take a leap.
     
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  2. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    If you think your husband needs to have a stable career before planning for kids, then I suggest you to wait until his career stabilizes. Parenting is demanding, challenging, exhausting and many many times very frustrating too.

    Love does not compensate for lack of financial stability. In your case, you have a job and most likely a good job. Do you think your husband is a dumbo? Honest assessment is necessary. Can you give him few more years to settle down?
     
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  3. littl

    littl Platinum IL'ite

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    looking at these words i feel that you are expecting some reply.. which you will never get..
    I believe that Here no one is providing or will provide false advices but only according to one's individual experiences, ideas and opinions only. so the Op will always have the right to make final decision..!
     
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  4. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    Ok, maybe if you remove the 'D' word...
    Are you concerned about him not making money, or not being able to hold on to a job or you feel he is not able to make up his mind?
    yes, money gets you most of the things in life and stability is important. Think what made you marry him a year back and what has changed now..
     
  5. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP, "Jeevan hai to sangharsh hai - If life is there, there will be struggle". As life progresses, we all have struggles in life. Name a person (living or dead) who never had any struggle in life.

    Your DH lost his job and is not doing well in his current job doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him. It is just his time is not doing good. This phase will also pass. But thinking of Divorce because of this is too much. There will be more struggles as life progresses. Instead use this time to support him, bond with him and together face the tough times. Appreciate him, believe in him, help him learn new stuff as he may not be getting these at his work. This will help him build confidence and do better at work.

    Knowing astrology, sometimes the bad times runs for years. (a shani (saturn) sada - sati runs for 7.5 years). Dashas run for a longer period 7 years, 10 years or even 20 years and if the planet happens to be malefic on your horoscope, the period may have more downs than ups. But even in those downs there will be up moments. The key is to maintain composure and calmness during those tough times and prepare oneself to take full advantage of the up time.

    So, please do not have such negative thoughts and help him face the situation with motivation and courage. Do whatever you can on your part to secure financial. Don't worry about the kids for now.
     
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  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    Why? Performance issues or random business fallout?

    To what degree is the 'mess' attributable to him, in your perception?

    Does this bother you? Do you see it as another data-point in your view of his lack of success?

    What situations? What was / is the nature of this support?

    What sort of mark can one make over two jobs in 18 months? I ask this seriously, to get an idea of the metrics for success in his field and in your perception. The probability of making a mark in my field in 18 months is zero (barring Faustian pacts with the devil).

    Have you discussed your anxieties with him? What is his response?
    Is a biological child more important to you than this 'love', this marriage?
    How would you define a 'good life'? Perhaps it's time to put some numbers on it and draw some pictures for the non-quantifiable?

    Please do not misunderstand my motivation in asking these questions. Your anxieties suggest unresolved issues knocking about in your head. I would like you to bring them to the fore, so that you can examine them in the clear light of day.

    As for divorce, if I were in your husband's position, I would not dream of being a drag on your life. I would want you to move on and find a way to be happy, rather than harboring secret misgivings about me. Reaffirm your commitment or leave asap so that he has the space to get on with his life. In any case, you need to talk to him. He deserves that much.

    Again, let me assure you that I am not criticizing you. Everything I have said is written with clinical detachment.
     
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  7. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    since you are a realist, i say at 30 you are pushing chances to land a guy who can give you the good life. better divorce sooner than later. on your next try make sure the fellow already is in a good job with steady progress. ask for his resume just to be sure. good luck.
     
  8. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    Why is your husband messing up with the jobs? Does he lacks in professional skills or Is he just lazy to go out and work?
     
  9. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, some career counselling may be just the thing your husband needs. I have known a few people who like studying, and are good at it, but kind of suck when it comes to functioning in the real world. It is possible your husband lacks direction, focus, organizational skills, or any number of things that may be retarding his progress in the workplace. Maybe he is not entirely sure of what he wants to do or be yet.

    All of these problems are solvable. You should try to help him clarify what it is that is holding him back. A professional counsellor or therapist may be the right person for this job.

    I can understand your frustration with what you perceive as his lack of direction or progress. It is hard to live with a partner who may not share one's own resolve or "get-it-done" attitude. If he were a completely shiftless layabout who has managed to achieve NOTHING in all the time he has known you, then I would say your marriage needs some re-evaluation. But he has managed to accomplish something in academic terms - he just needs to figure out how to convert book success into life/job success. For some people, this is surprisingly hard to do.

    If he stubbornly won't or can't address his problems, then yes... I don't see why you should have to be the one carrying the burden of responsibility and functioning adulthood in this relationship. I don't believe that marriage vows are a prison sentence without parole, so he should take your concerns seriously. Your wanting both of you to be successful, upwardly mobile, and hard-working, is not a crime. Unless, of course, this guy is a fantastic cook, a superlative housekeeper, and a champion child-rearer... in which case, you can ask him to be a house-husband (I beg your pardon - home-maker), and you be the captain of industry ;)
     
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  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Ansuya...If this were a necessary criteria to be a SAHM a lot of women will be without jobs :)
     
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