Husband Sounds Like Cheating

SimplelLife · Aug 11, 2016

I am here again with new problem but related.. First of all apologies for posting here in in laws section though it's a husband related issue and this is because in past I get very less responses there in married life section.
As I post earlier DH is very protective about his phone and we had a fight in this regard earlier and I posted here as well. He started a no care behavior from past many months .. Increases his drinking frequency by 2-3 days outside and 2-3 days at home with dinner. Now what he do is he go outside in the middle of the night around 12-12:30 and comes later after 1- 1-1/2 hr.. It happend thrice .. If I call his ph says it's busy ( I call on what's app so it shows at another call), when at first it happend I asked him when back that where he was and I was calling you but somehow line could nt Connect he said I went for a walk and ya I was on call. He is a kind of person who just hates to walk and at 12:30 in the night he is taking walks that's too when I am sleeping. Once he went to watch movie and he suppose to come by 12:15 but came at 1:20 At night. And tonight when I was sleeping he went out I woke with door noise and after some time I went out to see him but he was not there .. When I called him it was busy .. Later he called saying I was walking.. When I went to him he was on call and said he is on a call with his cousin. When I told him from when you started liking walks he got furious and said mujhe tumse chid ho gayi hai I can not talk to you.. I said you can not even talk to someone else in front of me.. And it's very convenient to develop irritation and hide your every deed behind it.
Later when coming home I asked his mobile which he refused to give. I called his mom and said whatever happens and his drinking schedule and how he fight if I touch his phone and ask her to talk to him regarding his problem. I called her in front of him only. When she asked to give him call he refused to talk and said will talk to you later. I am blind about anything .. What's going on. Previously I caught him talking to his colleague when he is out of the house and it was a long call list .. And got some in decent emails. I hint his mom saying whenever I touched his ph there was something in it which is true. She asked me what was that but I refused saying if thing won't go better I will definitely tell you. For which he said I am irritated with you and it won't change ever in life.. I have no clue what makes him like that .. I never doubt him before I caught his long call list to a girl and he always said to his folks he does nt have time to talk. He used to call her once he step out of home. I never objected in anything except last time in his brothers wedding. That time things went worst but not like that he is doing something new to me .. This hiding stuff was always there. I could not figure out how to handle this.
He called my brother previously 2-3 time if something happens ... So once I told him even for smallest thing you go to my people so seeing this I am feeling I should have gone to your people when you were involved with that girl for which he said yes offcourse you could have. So today I remind him that thing and said your mom is my first step only.. The problem is that I am honest and to his mom I only said what happens and whenever he talked at my home he shows how good he is and how much he do for me to make me happy.. Previously when he talked to my brother he exaggerated thing and I know this time also he will do the same whenever will talk to his mom or any other people. At least my family know that I have a temper but I don't try to make good image and twist things. I have issues with his parents and I know he will try to save himself behind that saying many things.. Like he is doing it because of that or such thing.. Even I don't care my image but I can't not drama like him. At my home they have idea about his extra sweet behavior. I know he won't talk to his mom in front of me and in
My a sense he will pretend himself biggest poor guy who is doing all the things out of frustration and he is fade of life. That's how he behaved when I caught him previously but now I have nothing.. No prove. But he is giving me same vibes. Please suggest me ladies what should I do. How to deal with it. Please give me your valuable suggestion @yellowmango, @SGBV, @guesshoo, @blessings1010, @madras2018 , @Laks06 and whoever is reading. Thank you so much. You know what ladies even in this situation I didn't cried or Raised my voice .. I was so patient and I am patient now... I don't know this is because of the little life growing inside me or IL's

madras2018 · Aug 11, 2016

hi @SimplelLife - you seem to be at your wit's end about dealing with this issue and your husband seems as slippery as an eel - hard to pin down. You could consider printing out the call list and asking your husband what it is that he's doing talking to a woman at all odd hours for hours on end. Try to not react to provocative talk from his side. Be calm and put the facts before him and ask him to provide answers that will put your mind at rest or clear up any doubts that you have.

If he refuses to give a straight answer share all details with his mother and your family. Involve them, get them to speak to him in person with you present. Make sure you involve a family member who your husband respects and might listen to.

If nothing comes out of all this, then decide to postpone thinking about it till after your delivery. No use getting agitated, upset and worrying about unfixable things when you are pregnant - it may affect the baby.

After delivery you can observe if anything has changed and you can choose to escalate matters then.

I dont know your background such as if you are working etc. If you have a job make sure you hold on to it. If you dont have a job, think about getting one after delivery.

Hope this helps.

SimplelLife · Aug 11, 2016

madras2018 said: ↑

hi @SimplelLife - you seem to be at your wit's end about dealing with this issue and your husband seems as slippery as an eel - hard to pin down. You could consider printing out the call list and asking your husband what it is that he's doing talking to a woman at all odd hours for hours on end. Try to not react to provocative talk from his side. Be calm and put the facts before him and ask him to provide answers that will put your mind at rest or clear up any doubts that you have.

If he refuses to give a straight answer share all details with his mother and your family. Involve them, get them to speak to him in person with you present. Make sure you involve a family member who your husband respects and might listen to.

If nothing comes out of all this, then decide to postpone thinking about it till after your delivery. No use getting agitated, upset and worrying about unfixable things when you are pregnant - it may affect the baby.

After delivery you can observe if anything has changed and you can choose to escalate matters then.

I dont know your background such as if you are working etc. If you have a job make sure you hold on to it. If you dont have a job, think about getting one after delivery.

Hope this helps.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the prompt reply... I have call list from his previous act... I have no idea to whom he is talking right now but I am sure something is cooking... Last time he Blamed me for his involving in other girl saying how much you kept me happy when things were really small He will do the same this time as well and will try to come out clean when things are serious than previous. His parents will be visiting here soon after 2-3 months. Till now I never said anything bad about him to his family or relative. I talk to his mom though she is not good to me thinking she will be worried atleast about his son and poke him. In last fight he said he is continuing because of baby so I am thinking about shifting in another room and let his parents know that he said to me such and such demeaning thing. But than I am thinking again what could be done out of it , 1. Mil will be happy seeing my condition and relationship with DH and try to take advantage of it and 2. She will be concerned about her son and poke him further more. currently I am thinking about keeping it to his parents only because if I talk to many people say my family or his relatives to whome he listens because he maintains an image of good guy, he will be free as there would not be any hide and be good thing remains.. Rest I really need suggestions.. These are just my ideas.
Right now I am not working for visa restrictions and unable to work for another one year or so.

madras2018 · Aug 11, 2016

SimplelLife said: ↑

Thank you for the prompt reply... I have call list from his previous act... I have no idea to whom he is talking right now but I am sure something is cooking... Last time he Blamed me for his involving in other girl saying how much you kept me happy when things were really small He will do the same this time as well and will try to come out clean when things are serious than previous. His parents will be visiting here soon after 2-3 months. Till now I never said anything bad about him to his family or relative. I talk to his mom though she is not good to me thinking she will be worried atleast about his son and poke him. In last fight he said he is continuing because of baby so I am thinking about shifting in another room and let his parents know that he said to me such and such demeaning thing. But than I am thinking again what could be done out of it , 1. Mil will be happy seeing my condition and relationship with DH and try to take advantage of it and 2. She will be concerned about her son and poke him further more. currently I am thinking about keeping it to his parents only because if I talk to many people say my family or his relatives to whom he listens because he maintains an image of good guy, he will be free as there would not be any hide and be good thing remains.. Rest I really need suggestions.. These are just my ideas.
Right now I am not working for visa restrictions and unable to work for another one year or so.
Click to expand...

There are no easy and quick solutions to this problem. Do not make assumptions that your MIL would be pleased with your condition. I dont think his mom will be pleased if he ends up divorced or separated due to his antics.

You definitely need to tell him that at the very least you are entitled to knowing the truth.

If it were not for your pregnancy, I would not have advised to tread slowly and carefully in tackling this. You cant rush at this point when pregnant.When you are better after delivery, you need to tell him that this kind of behavior is unacceptable to you. But this brings into question if it is really a deal breaker for YOU. What are your options ? What do you really want from him ? What are you willing to do if he refuses to change ? Give this some thought.

blessings1010 · Aug 12, 2016

SimplelLife said: ↑

Thank you for the prompt reply... I have call list from his previous act... I have no idea to whom he is talking right now but I am sure something is cooking... Last time he Blamed me for his involving in other girl saying how much you kept me happy when things were really small He will do the same this time as well and will try to come out clean when things are serious than previous. His parents will be visiting here soon after 2-3 months. Till now I never said anything bad about him to his family or relative. I talk to his mom though she is not good to me thinking she will be worried atleast about his son and poke him. In last fight he said he is continuing because of baby so I am thinking about shifting in another room and let his parents know that he said to me such and such demeaning thing. But than I am thinking again what could be done out of it , 1. Mil will be happy seeing my condition and relationship with DH and try to take advantage of it and 2. She will be concerned about her son and poke him further more. currently I am thinking about keeping it to his parents only because if I talk to many people say my family or his relatives to whome he listens because he maintains an image of good guy, he will be free as there would not be any hide and be good thing remains.. Rest I really need suggestions.. These are just my ideas.
Right now I am not working for visa restrictions and unable to work for another one year or so.
Click to expand...

Dear @SimplelLife, you are doing a good job keeping your cool most of the time. Please keep at it. Fights and worries in this delicate time may not do any good in the long run. Having said that, I am thinking of following options priority wise.

- Things like these will ruin peace at home easily. So if you can, try to make your position stronger- by first taking care of yourself, your baby, and then gather your strength to deal with this man.

- Drinking regularly at home and outside when wife is expecting is a strict no-no. Having some one, present from your family might change the scene altogether. is it possible that someone from your parents side come and stay with you, ideally before in-laws come?

- Reading your post, I do not think he has mentally invested in the baby or you during pregnancy. IF he says he is in this marriage, because of baby, make sure to tell him that he is not doing you any favor. He is in the marriage not just for the sake of baby, but for his self proclaimed goody goody husband image in front of his and your family. He needs to get this straight without confusion. He is not doing you any favor... period!

- Not sure, but is he trying to irritate you, and waiting for your reaction to his actions? Sweet talkers like him tend to collect the false evidence to show that you get angry easily and he is just an innocent victim. He will show those to his folks or ur folks, if there is a need to defend his actions in the future. So please do not give him chance by showing any verbal or emotional reaction.

- I know, it is very difficult to focus but if he tries to go out again, and you are awake, pretend that it does not bother you. Watch ur fav tv shows, listen to songs, pamper yourself and make sure he pays for that. See, if your indifferent attitude, irritates him. IF he still continues to act the way he does now, there is something fishy.

- Do you want to confirm your doubts now or wait until baby comes? like try dialing the frequently called numbers from his call list and confirm the doubts. Until your doubts are confirmed, I would advise you to refuse spending even an ounce of your precious pregnancy energy on a man like this.

- You are not working outside, so you are taking care of the household all by yourself now. Assuming, you do shopping for the household, start saving money from your monthly fixed and variable expenses. You can always open a bank account and keep saving there, if you have not done so yet. Pls do that when he is not around. Every month, from your grocery budget, keep saving some amount. Sit back and see your balance grow. It will give you a totally difference sense of confidence to fight this situation. Again, you may never need to use this money ( fingers crossed), but it will not hurt having your financial security in place. Ask his folks to bring your imp papers/ documents for applying for work visa after a year or so, if you do not have them here already. Let them get an idea that you intend to start working soon.

- I personally am very cautious of sweet talkers like him. They tend to manipulate simple thinkers. So if his nature is to hide his actions from you, i am sure his family must have noticed it too. Talking to his mother on the phone may not be helpful, because lets just say most of the ILs will try to ignore the faults of their son. But if they notice his behavior when they visit you, they might try to bring him back to his senses. Then again, he is a sweet talker. So you need to have proofs collected until In Laws come and visit you in 2-3 months. Again, if he is such a sweet talker, get him to do some work around the house and for you, when his folks come. When they come, let them observe, object and fight first with him. See their family dynamics during sensitive conversations. IF you try to interfere, they may not be very forthcoming with their son and might want to put unnecessary pressure on you.

- If you can, continue observing him and his actions especially if you are comfortable recording your conversations (on your mobile recording app) with him about sensitive topic. If he ever denies his actions, you have the call list with you anyway. The phone attachment is very personal topic for guys. He will not voluntarily give his phone to you. do not even demand seeing it. instead, if you happen to see his phone and any info in it which does not fit right w.r.t marriage and his loyalty to you, take the pic of that info in your own camera. Hide all those pics in a separate disk safely. You may never need to use it in the future, if he decides to change himself (keeping fingers crossed) after the baby comes, but being vigilant and careful will not hurt you.

- sharing this info with your parents and his parents is totally a personal choice. I do not know about your folks, but if talking to them makes you feel comfortable, please talk with someone who you can trust completely at home. You might get better advice from them than here, because they have lived with you and know ur husband. Agree, parents or siblings will start worrying for you. but it is always better to share the emotional burden at this time. Be careful and watch your stress levels, when you talk though.

Take care dear. You are in my prayers.

xoxo,
blessings1010

yellowmango · Aug 12, 2016

OP...in your state,I suggest you don't give this jerk any free space in your heart and head.
Right now,concentrate on yourself and the baby .
He is a jerk to make his wife go through this during pregnancy.He doesn't care.He is a habitual offender .
After the baby is a bit older...concentrate on getting independent. Then you can decide if this night walker is worth
being with you and your precious baby.

Forget him for now...you have a little angel inside of you who needs you to be happy and cheerful.
In your head ,tell that husband of yours to 'F*** Off and then enjoy your pregnancy. This only you can do....he can't .Let him take a hike.

SimplelLife · Aug 12, 2016

blessings1010 said: ↑

Dear @SimplelLife, you are doing a good job keeping your cool most of the time. Please keep at it. Fights and worries in this delicate time may not do any good in the long run. Having said that, I am thinking of following options priority wise.

- Things like these will ruin peace at home easily. So if you can, try to make your position stronger- by first taking care of yourself, your baby, and then gather your strength to deal with this man.

- Drinking regularly at home and outside when wife is expecting is a strict no-no. Having some one, present from your family might change the scene altogether. is it possible that someone from your parents side come and stay with you, ideally before in-laws come?

- Reading your post, I do not think he has mentally invested in the baby or you during pregnancy. IF he says he is in this marriage, because of baby, make sure to tell him that he is not doing you any favor. He is in the marriage not just for the sake of baby, but for his self proclaimed goody goody husband image in front of his and your family. He needs to get this straight without confusion. He is not doing you any favor... period!

- Not sure, but is he trying to irritate you, and waiting for your reaction to his actions? Sweet talkers like him tend to collect the false evidence to show that you get angry easily and he is just an innocent victim. He will show those to his folks or ur folks, if there is a need to defend his actions in the future. So please do not give him chance by showing any verbal or emotional reaction.

- I know, it is very difficult to focus but if he tries to go out again, and you are awake, pretend that it does not bother you. Watch ur fav tv shows, listen to songs, pamper yourself and make sure he pays for that. See, if your indifferent attitude, irritates him. IF he still continues to act the way he does now, there is something fishy.

- Do you want to confirm your doubts now or wait until baby comes? like try dialing the frequently called numbers from his call list and confirm the doubts. Until your doubts are confirmed, I would advise you to refuse spending even an ounce of your precious pregnancy energy on a man like this.

- You are not working outside, so you are taking care of the household all by yourself now. Assuming, you do shopping for the household, start saving money from your monthly fixed and variable expenses. You can always open a bank account and keep saving there, if you have not done so yet. Pls do that when he is not around. Every month, from your grocery budget, keep saving some amount. Sit back and see your balance grow. It will give you a totally difference sense of confidence to fight this situation. Again, you may never need to use this money ( fingers crossed), but it will not hurt having your financial security in place. Ask his folks to bring your imp papers/ documents for applying for work visa after a year or so, if you do not have them here already. Let them get an idea that you intend to start working soon.

- I personally am very cautious of sweet talkers like him. They tend to manipulate simple thinkers. So if his nature is to hide his actions from you, i am sure his family must have noticed it too. Talking to his mother on the phone may not be helpful, because lets just say most of the ILs will try to ignore the faults of their son. But if they notice his behavior when they visit you, they might try to bring him back to his senses. Then again, he is a sweet talker. So you need to have proofs collected until In Laws come and visit you in 2-3 months. Again, if he is such a sweet talker, get him to do some work around the house and for you, when his folks come. When they come, let them observe, object and fight first with him. See their family dynamics during sensitive conversations. IF you try to interfere, they may not be very forthcoming with their son and might want to put unnecessary pressure on you.

- If you can, continue observing him and his actions especially if you are comfortable recording your conversations (on your mobile recording app) with him about sensitive topic. If he ever denies his actions, you have the call list with you anyway. The phone attachment is very personal topic for guys. He will not voluntarily give his phone to you. do not even demand seeing it. instead, if you happen to see his phone and any info in it which does not fit right w.r.t marriage and his loyalty to you, take the pic of that info in your own camera. Hide all those pics in a separate disk safely. You may never need to use it in the future, if he decides to change himself (keeping fingers crossed) after the baby comes, but being vigilant and careful will not hurt you.

- sharing this info with your parents and his parents is totally a personal choice. I do not know about your folks, but if talking to them makes you feel comfortable, please talk with someone who you can trust completely at home. You might get better advice from them than here, because they have lived with you and know ur husband. Agree, parents or siblings will start worrying for you. but it is always better to share the emotional burden at this time. Be careful and watch your stress levels, when you talk though.

Take care dear. You are in my prayers.

xoxo,
blessings1010
Click to expand...

First of all thank you so much for all your love and explaining me in such a vast way. I am touched.

Drinking at home regularly will be controlled once his folks came in, no one can come from my family now or later. You pointed out a very good point.. He is not doing anything for the shake of baby but for his goody goody image. Even he suggested me to abort 2 times directly and 3 time in other ways .. Total 5 times. Previously when we had fight I was in India at that time he told me no need to coming back to USA or his place in India.. I said ok I will come once and let's settle down everything officially that means divorse which did not want saying no no divorse.. We will seperated just like that... Even this time he is showing emotions and care that no divorse you live your life and I will live my life.. Will be together just for baby.
He is extremely dramatic. It seems each of your word is true regarding him. He is behaves so innocent in front of other people and gets very offensive if I said anything against his image in his friends or people.

I do t ha e any currant call list, it's from his previous act. I kept that safe if in case I need that in future. Now he locked his mobile at home and keep it with him always even if he is doing dishes wearing underwear he tuk it in his back .. He is this much of protective.

We shop here with credit card so I dont have any money with me .. I have his card no.
He is a sweet talker but not in front of his parents .. But he is always tries to be good guy in front of everyone be it family or others. He is constantly lecture them on something. And even don't talk much to them as well. But his parents handle him well with their tantrums. That's why I told his mom and planning to send her pics of wine bottle and pack each time he is drinking. If I will update her regularly she will eat his head regularly. I already know his family dynamics. he is not very much attached to his parents personally but expect me to attach with them. Even socially i used to take drink here for which DH asked me not to upload them on fb as his reletives are in my friend list and this is not good for his image .. No one drinks in his fathers generation.
My folks are usual girls family... They always try to please him. My is aged and take tension easily so I dont share anything with her.. My elder sister too has an image to maintain and thrives for maintaining relations.. In my last India visit DH told me over some small issue That I can not tolerate you just go back .. It was few days before his brothers wedding.. I started packing and seeing flight tickets .. My brother and sil was on the way to his place to attend wedding... When he show me going he tries to control the situation but when failed He called my brother that I am doing so without telling about himself. My sister called me and talked to me nicely and when she talked to him she told him don't stop her from going if you stops she will definitely go. She is my sisters but maintained her relation with him. When my brother come we had one meeting.. Me DH brother and sil.. My brother never let me speak anything saying don't discuss your family issue with me but he listens everything he said. Sil behaves well wisher to me and advised mil to be strict with me and behave like a mil. Lost my father few months back but even when he was alive all was same. Practically saying I have no one in this world, I am all alone. I just call my mother at home..
Thanks for your prayers I really needed them. It's not like I am dying to get him back... I just fade up with his drama and emotional tantrums.

blessings1010 · Aug 12, 2016

SimplelLife said: ↑

First of all thank you so much for all your love and explaining me in such a vast way. I am touched.

Drinking at home regularly will be controlled once his folks came in, no one can come from my family now or later. You pointed out a very good point.. He is not doing anything for the shake of baby but for his goody goody image. Even he suggested me to abort 2 times directly and 3 time in other ways .. Total 5 times. Previously when we had fight I was in India at that time he told me no need to coming back to USA or his place in India.. I said ok I will come once and let's settle down everything officially that means divorse which did not want saying no no divorse.. We will seperated just like that... Even this time he is showing emotions and care that no divorse you live your life and I will live my life.. Will be together just for baby.
He is extremely dramatic. It seems each of your word is true regarding him. He is behaves so innocent in front of other people and gets very offensive if I said anything against his image in his friends or people.

I do t ha e any currant call list, it's from his previous act. I kept that safe if in case I need that in future. Now he locked his mobile at home and keep it with him always even if he is doing dishes wearing underwear he tuk it in his back .. He is this much of protective.

We shop here with credit card so I dont have any money with me .. I have his card no.
He is a sweet talker but not in front of his parents .. But he is always tries to be good guy in front of everyone be it family or others. He is constantly lecture them on something. And even don't talk much to them as well. But his parents handle him well with their tantrums. That's why I told his mom and planning to send her pics of wine bottle and pack each time he is drinking. If I will update her regularly she will eat his head regularly. I already know his family dynamics. he is not very much attached to his parents personally but expect me to attach with them. Even socially i used to take drink here for which DH asked me not to upload them on fb as his reletives are in my friend list and this is not good for his image .. No one drinks in his fathers generation.
My folks are usual girls family... They always try to please him. My is aged and take tension easily so I dont share anything with her.. My elder sister too has an image to maintain and thrives for maintaining relations.. In my last India visit DH told me over some small issue That I can not tolerate you just go back .. It was few days before his brothers wedding.. I started packing and seeing flight tickets .. My brother and sil was on the way to his place to attend wedding... When he show me going he tries to control the situation but when failed He called my brother that I am doing so without telling about himself. My sister called me and talked to me nicely and when she talked to him she told him don't stop her from going if you stops she will definitely go. She is my sisters but maintained her relation with him. When my brother come we had one meeting.. Me DH brother and sil.. My brother never let me speak anything saying don't discuss your family issue with me but he listens everything he said. Sil behaves well wisher to me and advised mil to be strict with me and behave like a mil. Lost my father few months back but even when he was alive all was same. Practically saying I have no one in this world, I am all alone. I just call my mother at home..
Thanks for your prayers I really needed them. It's not like I am dying to get him back... I just fade up with his drama and emotional tantrums.
Click to expand...

I hear you- don't worry about siblings who just thrive to maintain superficial relations. Some do that to keep you safe, some just do that to keep themselves safe. I like to believe yours fall in the first category. And no, you are not alone. You have your mum to talk to, the whole new world of IndusLadies to talk to and in few months, you will have your very own bundle of joy to talk to ( promise you will always have fun talks with him/her). IF you believe in guardian angels, please ask for help from Archangel Micheal, Arch angel Raphael and Gabriel for safe guarding you and your baby. Every one of us have guardian angels around us for our help, we just need to seek their help. ASk and you shall receive my love!

Now take rest!

xoxo,
blessings1010

SimplelLife · Aug 12, 2016

You said it rightly yellomango.. I should not care about him anymore. He is so conscious about his image.. Can be handled by his mom.. I just need to keep mil updated. Next time if he ever told me that things won't be same again I will go ahead and tell him even I lost everything for you and nothing won't be same from my side ever.

SimplelLife · Aug 12, 2016

blessings1010 said: ↑

I hear you- don't worry about siblings who just thrive to maintain superficial relations. Some do that to keep you safe, some just do that to keep themselves safe. I like to believe yours fall in the first category. And no, you are not alone. You have your mum to talk to, the whole new world of IndusLadies to talk to and in few months, you will have your very own bundle of joy to talk to ( promise you will always have fun talks with him/her). IF you believe in guardian angels, please ask for help from Archangel Micheal, Arch angel Raphael and Gabriel for safe guarding you and your baby. Every one of us have guardian angels around us for our help, we just need to seek their help. ASk and you shall receive my love!

Now take rest!

xoxo,
blessings1010
Click to expand...

Thanks again blessing... You are really a blessing for me in such a time. For me you IL's are my guardian angels now.. Everyone comes as an angel who is ready to listen to you, give honest advice what they feel about situation...