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Husband regrets marriage with me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by riya123, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    I second Tridev on this. I too have seen many threads where seperation/divorce is being suggested liberally.
     
  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Re: positive thinking

    1droplove you have a beautiful mind, yes what you did by staying calm ad composed is really the right and also tough thing during such times.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  3. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Riya,

    I agree with SriVidya. Keep divorce as a last option. Though I sympathise with your plight, post divorce options are also very tough for Indians. So take that particular step cautiously. First try to work on your marriage. You have not spent any time at all with your husband since marriage.This is a good chance for you create a bond with your husband. I do not know how long you people will stay here but take this time to heal your differences.

    If it is of any consolation, not just your husband, most husbands are like that when it comes to their mothers. Society looks at sons as providers in our country and it is so much ingrained in their psyche that they tend to look upon spousal abuse as something which is valid to maintain family harmony. Very often, I hate the female protagonists in our films also because honestly how many women can be like that in real life? They also send wrong messages to people and wrong set of expectations. A DIL who puts up with all abuse and still does seva is a good DIL. And one who raises her voice for justice or equality is a home wrecker and who needs to be taught a lesson :rant.

    In our great Indian tradition, mothers and fathers are gods and wives are just incidental who help men realise this ultimate goal of looking after parents as gods.( Now, wives' parents are not part of this equation. If they have a son, he will be the one who will do this to his parents.) Everything will be hunky dory if the so called gods act like one. But often they wont.

    Riya , take heart. More often than not, few years down the lane, most husbands do get some self realization and even though they may not accept it outright, in their heart of hearts they will know that their mothers also are wrong at times. It is difficult for children to accept their parents shortcomings.It often hurts them to think their own mothers can behave like that with their offspring. So tell your DH what she did because he has to know the truth but dont harp on it as a tool to accuse him. Like Tugga said in one of her posts, who will accept faults in their gods?

    Mostly work on your marriage with your husband and leave out MIL for the time being. She is not the one you are married to. Dont let her behaviour affect your marriage. Creating a bond with husband is more important. All this wont happen in a day or two. You have to work on for some time. Keep out all talk of ILs and if at all you talk, be cooperative but no need to be submissive or argumentative. However badly they behaved towards you, accept that he cannot absolve of all his responsibility towards them. Like SriVidya said lie low for some time till things get stabilised a little bit. Do what you have to do silently without aggravating the situation. Be clever in your dealings with them, not honest.
     
  4. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Don't blame your in-laws, blame your HUSBAND. This is the same advice that you gave someone else in another thread. You told her and her parents to blame their brother / son and not their SIL / DIL for their troubles even if she had done them wrong. Similarly, YOU need to realize that YOUR husband is to blame for your issues, not his parents even if THEY have wronged you. Period.

    I believe that your marriage exists on paper ONLY. Your husband has already made it clear to you that he does not care about you or your feelings. If he did, then HE would be protecting you from his FOO. He isn't. He has had time to change but he doesn't. He did not even see his own child for close to a year? I really don't know if this guy will ever change - no matter how long you decide to wait this out.

    If the only reason you are staying in this marriage is because you are afraid to face the world alone, then you are going to just grow old and bitter. If you have been employed before, then you can find a job anytime and can financially fend for yourself and your child. You don't need anyone's help to take care of yourself and child if you are financially independent and strong. So, the next step would be to start a job search, find one and give your husband an ultimatum. Either he cleans up his act or you are moving out.

    It is probably because he knows that you are afraid to face the world on your own that he is behaving how he is. He doesn't have anything to lose, you see. Show him that this is not the case. And please don't blame your in-laws for your marital problems. Yes, your MIL may have been mean to you but if your husband was a decent human being, then she would not have DARED to harass you as much as she did. Place the blame on the right person - and that is your HUSBAND, not your MIL. You also should have stood up to her. But better late than never. Start asserting your rights at least now and don't tolerate this nonsense anymore. What do you have to lose, really?
     
  5. GeethaMR

    GeethaMR Silver IL'ite

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    I tend to agree with Malyatha on where the issue is and with Tridev when he says that separation is not easy in Indian context.

    If your MIL treats you poorly, return the treatment in private.

    If your MIL treats you with DRAMA in front of DH, then return the same act.

    Sometimes, our ladies tend to focus singularly on MIL and forget that DH is the co-conspirator by his silent act!

    So, MILs are presumed guilty until found guilty. :hide:

    Riya, don't fall for the trap. See the actions of the persons, not their relationship labels and then judge them.

    It is not the label "MIL" which is to be balmed, but the lady who couldnot treat her husband's wife with respect and dignity. Such people show singular lack of concern in any relationship that is not defined by them as "FAMILY". So, they manifest external swetness in all their relations but maintain extreme callousness when it comes to respect others.

    To me, both the DH and his mother are guilty of treating you in such a way. But the chief tormentor is the DH.

    Riya, you have to work on your DH not MIL. But, are you sure you can stay with DH and work patiently with him?

    See what poster "1droplove" has written. Are you ready to adopt a similar approach at the same time being fully detahced in the mind that this attempt of yours may or may not work?

    Regards.
     
  6. pstar

    pstar Junior IL'ite

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    I feel sorry that u had to go through such a tough time with ur inlaws...but I see that u getting back with ur hubby even after a years separation means u really do want this marriage to work.
    U have a wonderful child and of course at the back of each mothers head is the thought -how my actions in this marriage may affect the child ( dicorce or no).

    I personally feel that u are trying to make amends, cos u left the job ultimately to look after ur child, and after the temp. seperation, u are now trying to get things back on track with ur hubby minus the ILs.

    Now, I did have some issues myself with ils, but let me just show u how the situation in ur house is....(it maybe painful/unacceptable, bos Im putting it quite bluntly, but pls read on till the end)

    First, when ur hubby has shouted and asked u to get out of the house in the middle of an argument just keep mum ( all this is in a fit of rage) and dont bother to answer-sometimes, silence is the best answer in itself to diffuse an argument.


    U said urself that u were working..u were outside the house for such long hrs that after u got back home, u didnt mind/bother/understand the minute hints (if any) that ur mil was such a cruel person....so u never thought (or bothered to analyse) that she would be bad and hence went ahead and had a kid-but now u regret having married and having the kid ( cos of ur mils actions and child also having to suffer indirectly)

    Now look at hubby- he is working outside the house for long hrs, when he comes home he just wants to get comfortable, be fed, looked after and have some rest and relaxation ( in front of tv or with family) and he is also not bothered to look at each thing ( with microscopic vision) to see what is actually happening behind each action.Then suddenly he sees a totally new thing quite plainly in sight i.e. ils are complaining about u, sister is unhappy with u...and to make things worse u are complaining about the same people who had been making him feel safe and comfortable and cosy at home, cooking and serving his fav dishes, loving him all these years-so who is the person ( according to his eyes) that has caused SUCH A TURMOIL????? Definitely the only new thing in the old house in YOU!! So who is wrecking the peace, quiet and tranquility he had all these years??Who is Wrecking his house and making him (or atleast hoping to) seperate him from his parents -YOU..-So now he regrets having married u ( does this sound familiar?, pls check the previous para I wrote)

    So u see ur hubby is in the same situation that u were when u were working...pls bear this in mind..He is too caught up/tired with work, and work related tensions to see what is happening or to even bother digging the dirt, to question who did what to whom, and whose hands are dirty-Dont blame him for his ignorance

    And I have noticed that it is this ignorance that mils take to their advantage. They know their baby will come to them, and they will feed him his fav dishes, put on the tv for him, give him some sweet talk and say Im taking care of things at home, u rest and relax and pls only bother about ur work-OOhh my poor baby , working so hard, look he has become tired, dark- how handsome he was, I wish I could do more for u...(then the grown up man feels pampered + secure in his mothers arms) so who do u think he is going to listen to ( and get some peace of mind) at the end of a working day? His pampering mother who is beside him or the wife who is waiting to blow up in front of him, breathing fire, talking such bad things abt his ( loving) parents - which he has till now in all these years, never even seen or heard a bad word from their mouth ( now u understand why parents close their eyes most of the time to their naughty sons during childhood? they have started the ils game early in childhood itself-emotional blackmail of the male sex by their parents??:notthatway::idontgetit:)

    Will u accept if ur hubby says some bad things about ur parents? U will not believe it -but since we have time, and we are women ( and bother too much about feelings and emotions), we may call up and check -did so and so happen? But men-they dont want to bother with the hassle of solving problems at home when they have enough problems to solve in office itself.....


    Then u say u had temp. seperation, but finally hubby called u up when he planned to go to US, that means he IS TRYING FROM HIS SIDE to RECONCILE TOO....(Pls dont expect men to put that in words, u will never get it from their mouth, always judge the man by his ACTIONS-cos GOD has wired them such that they can do things, but ask them to explain it and u would wish u hadnt- cos they are just not good with words)
    So, ur hubby has decided to give the marriage a second lease and from his side he thinks-ok she is saying sooo many bad things about my parents, lets see how we will lead our lives now if we are away from them.....
    and what does he see?-that tension and turmoil still exists-what his parents had been telling IS infact coming TRUE..because u are STILL UNHAPPY and making his life miserable by being cranky and bad mouthing them when they are hundreds of kilometers away and not interfereing in your present life-so he will think -yes, it is definitely HER fault that we are not happy..she cannot be happy, whether we live with ils or without ils also

    CONCLUSION
    Men think they are babies still and have to be pampered

    SOLUTION
    1-He loves his mom.period -but why?? bcos she pampers him - so join the gang ( if u cant beat them, join them) Behave like how any mom would do to their baby when they come from office ( what does ur il do?) make tea? prepare his fav tea time snacks ( in my case my hubby hates his moms cooking- of course he has never admitted it, but I could see the difference when he used to have tea at my parents house versus his mothers house- he would gobble up all my moms goodies :))
    Make an effort from ur side- ask him plainly - what do u like??
    eg:-How do u like me to dress?(modern or in saris only?)
    what all curries, snacks do u like ? he may be surprised ( even my hubby was) he may not answer first, just dismissing it ( just like the bday cake thing in the previous post) just ask once then leave it for now, but ask him again after a few days-if still not answering, tell him-im ur wife, Im supposed to cook and keep every one fed here-but I like to cook what MY Hubby likes ( a little buttering would definitely help- utlise the chance u get since ur mil is not around) Since Im from a different house, I dont know what u like unless u tell me...Im sorry, I cant read ur mind.....If u can tell me then it will be easier..my own hubby said -so what if i tell u, u will still cook what u want -i said- no-I will pick up what is necessary and make ur fav dishes-since I didnt know till now, I have only cooked whatever dishes comes to my mind-i want to change that, I want a HAPPY FAMILY, I? want every one to eat and be happy that they are eating what they LIKE, what is the point of me running a family here by cooking only what I LIKE......that is not what I want.I want U and our son also to be happy- I want US to be happy family.

    Then add some butter like ur mil would have-u are working so hard for the family, atleast u shoud get to eat ur fav. dishes isnt it? see how tired, dark...how handsome...go the whole mile if u want-give him a hug and a kiss too ( if needed to show u care )
    Before u ask all this U must have prepared a list of all the dishes u know.....
    Then run through the names of the dishes ( of course, he is not going to bother making a list and tell u, u have to take the effort here urself again)
    names of snacks, names of sweets, and tell him -just say yes or no when I read the list..-.note down what he likes and ask him -Did I miss any other dish or sweet u like that comes to mind now? otherwise u can tel me when u remember- or just say openly when u want something, I will understand but u have to tell me urself, else Ï wouldnt know, and I wouldnt be able to make it for u ( and give him a good smile ) He may think u are mad, but u must actually start COOKING up things he likes from next week onwards...

    TEll me honestly, do u know what ur hubby likes to eat? How many meals u are cooking in a day-but if u dont know ur hubbies preferences ( not only in cooking, other things also) then how can u be more pleasing to him? dont be afraid to ask-ASK (put ur effort, but pls dont pester him to answer immediately, he may need a few days to think)

    Within a week of this cooking exercise - u might see looks of surprise on his face ( but pls dont expect any comments or compliments-remember what I told u earlier, they are at a loss of words) A whole month goes by and slowly this guy realises, YES-She is taking efforts to make me happy ( but pls dont expect any compliments) just look in the mirror and compliment urself-ur mils baby has become UR BABY now:biglaughTwo can play at the same game!!

    2-Pls dont bad mouth his parents or accuse them ( I had to learn this one the hard way myself) u may be itching to say some things, but pls dont-lay low....make step 1 ( mentioned above) work really really well for u-then u can see that hubby will start coming home early, looking forward to ur snacks, when u drop a hint he will immediately take u and kid for outings and all.....( just to test, dont make snacks/his fav.dish he may be looking forward to for one day and see his reaction-that is the best compliment u will get, the forlorn look or maybe a question-what happened-why no snacks today?-pls read that indirectly as I miss ur snacks:thumbsup) ( i advocate a lifetime of cooking ur hubbys fav. food if u want him feeling pampered, cos the way to a mans heart is definitely to an extent through his stomach)

    Maybe after a few months of this, u can talk calmly to him, saying see we are having such a good time together, I dont know why we had to seperate and waste one year away from each other- see how much ur son has missed out without u in that one year, soo much time u could have seen him grow up in front of ur eyes, pampered by his own father and mother, rather than depend on grandfather and grand mother...see what he missed out- will he ever get those years back? I wonder why all that had to happen...then stop-leave it there....Let him think it through...(that maybe it was a hasty decision listening to just his parents- Now see u are perfectly capable of making him happy, you have proved them wrong ) -dont at this stage say anything bad about ur ils-be very cordial if they call -cos they cant interfere with ur day to day life now, maybe just call once a week...or maybe to keep ur peace, slowly move to another room when ur hubby calls them up ( so that ur bp doesnt shoot up at the thought of them) and honestly if u really still have not cooled down, dont bother to ask what all they said/enquire ( after the phone call) ...maybe the next day when ur more composed just ask him -hows mil and fil- hope health is fine-thats it...he will be surprised but he will realise that u do care for their health...dont pester him or question abt how is sister and all the things going on in his house-forget all that..u have ur own house here to be bothered about.
    Step 3- About ur ils -now since hubby has slowly realised u love him- he needs proof that ur ils actually are behaving badly before he gets a reality check. So wait, God gives everyone a chance. Pls continue with ur cooking and pampering, but one month before u go for leave to India, drop a hint to your hubby that u fear how ur ils will treat u in their house again ..ur hubby will ignore this comment ( for sure and think oh-shes going to start again, when we had all this peace and quiet here) but dont talk anything further, few days later again just say, see Ï love u and want a happy life for us and our kid (of course he has been seeing all the efforts u have been taking), but very very calmly say-after the seperation, I left the job, just like fil said, bcos í value OUR SON more than MY MENTAL satisfaction which Í get when Ï work..I value OUR OWN FAMILY LIFE than anything else, but Ï have been misunderstood many times, and I fear its going to happen again....again I will continue to keep quiet when they accuse me but I want to prove to you that í am not lying..so pls help me...I am not bad mouthing ur mother when she shouts at me, but I get hurt, and when u come home, Í open up to you, but I feel I am not getting support from ur side-I dont want anything, I dont mind even if ils bad mouthme, I can suffer that as long as U support me- atleast when I come to the bedroom and discuss with u an issue at the end of the day-I just want u to listen and say U support me thats enough....but I pray to god that u actually see how they behave to me ( and pls do PRAY).
    Cos prayers can work miracles..my mil and fil used to bad mouth me when my hubby was not around and I never used to back answer, and hubby never believed me ( even though he knows mil has bad mouthed all the other dils in the house, he actually thought my ils loved me the most among the dils )..but then I did all this, got hubby happy with my cooking and pampering, and I told him that I value our married life more than what all she is serving me thats why im staying inspite of all this suffering bcos I LOVE U-I married U, after seeing U not seeing if ils are good or not..I want US to be happy together, not be under tension all day that il is saying like this and that...then I told him, I dont want to talk bad about ur parents, but they bad mouth me when u go out,so U dont hear what they tell me, and when U return, I am already boiling in anger, but they will sit and talk sweetly to u and me too, and u will feel I am the one who is doing wrong and trying to break the family...Just do one thing for me -when u return home, pls dont make much noise, come in by ur self and atleast try to locate in which part of the house I am, cos maybe I am being bad mouthed at that same moment..just do this one thing for me and thats all I have to say bcos I dont have any other proof -no camera or anything to shoot and show u whats actually happening...( and I really really prayed hard) :bowdown

    Thank God- really God IS GREAT.
    When we went to ils place, they were the usual sweet people in front of hubby and guests, and then hubby would leave me home and go out for errands or such...as usual fil and mil would give me mouthfuls or if nothing, mutter under their breath ( there have even been cases they bad mouth me in dining hall, while hubby is in the lviing room and just as hubby enters the dining hall, they will be stuffing their mouth with food, gleefuly acting innocent, and when hubby sees me he will see my swollen face, and he will think - look at her face, when my parents are eating, she really hates them)
    This other thing u said about eating last-pls tell ur hubby that u would like to eat with him, (if it is allowed -ur mil eats with fil then why cant I eat with my hubby???)..tell hubby that u are unable to feel full after meals cos there is only left overs by the time u eat, so even if mil or fil doesnt invite me to sit with u hubby, pls call me and say, I want to eat with my lovely wife and spend some time with her, I have been busy all day long and son will also eat better with me if we are eating together..( u shud then see the look on ur ils face-they cannot say no)...
    Pls bear in mind that hubby may forget or be reluctant to say this in front of ils-but during the stay with ils, kindly and calmly remind him ( and dont accuse ils or bad mouth them) tell him -pls invite me to eat with u, cos honestly Im feeling hungry right now even after having dinner/lunch.......
    Otherwise tomorrow pls take me out and we can have dinner outside, I have been feeling hungry all these days, not eating properly but just kept quiet..bcos I dont like to complain always.(pls say all this only in ur bedroom and only when u know no one is overhearing u)
    then definitely hubby will take pity on u and take u out.

    In my case, my hubby forgot the thing about coming home quietly-but a week into our stay at ils place, when ils started their tactics, I gently reminded him, see I feel very bad to say this- I know, even i will feel bad if u say bad about my parents- but pls give me a chance to prove that I am not LYING -Thats all i ask..pls come home quietly and locate me in the house-even if that means u have to come to the kitchen/knock at the bathroom-if ils are there u can say u want to tell me that u returned home from outside and that is a very normal thing in any household-My hubby was hesitant, he didnt say anything, but i said this much and said-See I love U and I know u will not like to know that ur parents are doing wrong, even I wouldnt like it if I come to know that my parents are doing wrong-but just to prove my innocence u have to do just this ONE THING..Im not back answering them also- u can see that also for urself-how they are interacting with me and how I am responding to them with UR OWN EYES-u dont have to depend on me or them to tell u whats happening, just so that u know the truth and I can prove my innocence-pls do this..pls locate me when u come home, but dont call out loud, just walk into the room silently and if ils around just say-im home, if nothing bad is happening atleast, I will be happy to know that u are atleast looking out for me.
    Days passed by, hubby would return home, and slowly he started locating me but loudly-im home where are u? he would call out from the doorway...this went on for a few days, and ils would clam up and scatter when they heard him...then one day Ï told him, thank u for showing soo much support, but u know, when they hear u fil just got up and walked out the back door and mil just continued sitting there in the position but just kept quiet....( he thought about what I said) and I told him, next time pls just quietly walk in, locate me and keep quiet and listen before u say that ur home- if nothing was happening, u could be happy ( that ur parents are good) and I would be happy that ur home and ur looking out for me....Well, the good God :thumbsup
    next day, hubby had gone out from morning, I was washing clothes in the back yard, fil had finished lunch and gone to bedroom for nap, and mil finished her lunch, and came and sat on the back verandah, as usual I was busy with my work ( without having my lunch) and mil started one by one topics on how I handle my housework at home, ran through her own conclusions of how I might be doing and one led to another and she started her usual ranting..I kept quiet ( already hungry and just wanted to finish the damn washing before having lunch) as I was hanging the clothes, I saw that hubby was walking in through the main door...since mil was sitting on the back door step and faced towards the back yard, busy with her lecture, she didnt notice DH walk in the front door, I didnt react, I just continued with hanging my clothes as if I hadnt seen my hubby ( cos I have noticed that ils look at ur face very intently for any sign of reaction or change in face when they start their talks). well, hubby having seen me walks in slowly thru the living room hall, thru the dining hall, pass through the corridor, past the kitchen door and stood one step behind mil, mil was soo busy bad mouthing me that she didnt notice that my hubby had come in quietly.
    Well, hubby waited patiently and heard her talks, :rantwhile I continued hanging the clothes, and when she had finished, hubby said -im home!!
    mil got a jolt:biglaugh.
    She got up ( either she didnt realise he was standing behind her the whole while or she is damn good at acting) cos she got up and said-oh ur home, let me serve lunch and disappeared into the bedroom :rotfl.
    Well, U couldnt believe the happiness I had that day-I followed hubby to our room-I didnt want to rub salt in the wound-I knew that he had finally realised what I had been telling him, there was simply nothing more to add-I just gave him a hug and thanked him for taking this effort, and i told him I know ur feeling bad now for ur parents behaviour, but I am happy that atleast U trusted me enough to do this and find for urself that I had not been lying...so the issue of ils was solved..

    and from then on-hubby understands me better and ils are careful cos they realised that they have been caught red handed....U should have seen the face of my fil, cos while I and hubby were having our late lunch in the dining hall that day ( together) my mil had gone and woken him up from his lap and definitely poured her doubts that son has heard her lambasting me -cos fil did a few rounds of the dining hall at various intervals while watching intently the expressions on our faces and for any discussions between ourselves regarding this...

    But let me add that to this date -my hubby has never agreed that his parents bad mouth me ( though he has seen with his own eyes and knows in his heart) in fact he jokes that I purposely kept my mouth shut that day, cos Í saw him enter and that if I hadnt seen him, I would have definitely given his poor mother an earfulthat Im shrewd thats why I made him catch his poor mother off guard in a poor light and I was acting innocent :bonk

    U cant win all the battles in a married life. ( I stil have many other pending issues)
    But patience and pampering does help
    Best of luck!!
     
    arthidiva likes this.
  7. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    @ASG - Thanks for the reply, your words give me so much strength..
    @Malvika - I am definitely considering those options and i will try to equip myself beforehand ..
    @1dropLove, @kma - Thanks for the reply

    @Srividya
    I dont know whether he actually cares or no.. He sees me as a threat if i want to get independent.. I had to fight like hell before when i wanted to continue my job.. I'll tell you how it all started.. A Few weeks back, i was planning to take up a test to do my masters.. He was not comfortable with it.. still he was quiet, when i bought the books and all.. But when this info reached india, they started opposing it.. So he also started opposing it.. His concern was if something happens to his mom, then i cant go there
    if i pursue my masters.. So i replied, even if i dont pursue any course, i will not be there for your mom for all what she has done to me post delivery.. he got mad hearing this..
    Now, tell me why can't he or his sister take care of his mother, if at all any such situation arises.. Why should i give up every time, that too for someone who has never cared for me.. And for all i do, i dont even hear a 'Thank You' from them, they'll only complain about me. I have to give explaination to my husband for each of their complaints..

    @Priya16
    Initially things were good.. He didn't really interfere in my business earlier.. But i hated it when his sister used to pitch in between us all the time.. So, i preferred spending time at work than at home even during off times..
    I am willing to invest in this relation if and only if he is also equally willing.. I get drained out if it is only one sided effort..

    @Malyatha - I am fully aware that the problem lies with my husband.. Not because i said so to someone, but because that is the truth in my case..
    Thats exactly what i am doing.. Why is he asking me to leave him , if i stand up against her (MIL).. Is this how he values our marriage?..

    @GeetaMR
    This is the precise reason, why i am thinking if it is worth spending the rest of my life with him.. His silence says a lot on how much he cares..
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  8. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Bravo pstar,

    your post was very good to read and lucid on many points. Full marks should go to your DH also for cooperating with your plan. I wish all the remaining problems in your life will also get resolved soon. Great post :thumbsup
     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    @pstar - Thanks a millions for your post.. I felt so much better after reading your post.. And your analysis is so right.. Now i realise why my husband is calling me 'a home wrecker'.. Just like i didn't bother to analyze them before, right now he too doesn't want to dig the dirt.. All what he wants is a peaceful life..
    But how do i put a full stop to their dramas.. How do i convince him not to make me the scapegoat in the entire affair?.. I am willing to forgive what happened in the past.. But i want to secure it does not repeat in the future atleast.. I dont have the energy and strength to go through it again..

    My wishes to you and your remaining issues get sorted amicably..
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Riya, your thinking is misguided (at least in my humble opinion). Look at all the "I" 's up there. Don't you realize, YOU can't put a stop to their dramas? You're not the one with the attitude problem, your DH is. For things to get better, HE is the one who needs to change. And unless that happens, none of the stuff above will get solved.

    Your inlaws will not stop their drama no matter what you say, because they don't respect what you say or how you feel. That's why it would take your dh to get them to stop. HE would need to protect you. Do you really think he would ever do something to stop them considering he has left you to that pack of dogs for 3 years now? And your kid too? If after 3 years and a kid, he still doesn't realize his responsibilities, I highly doubt he will ever learn.

    You say you are scared to divorce because life after that would be lonely. But as an outsider reading your story.... I can't help but wonder, how you could be anymore alone and sad than you are right now. I believe in hope, and trying, and saving marriages..... but I also believe in looking at things realistically. If there is SOME love, SOME respect, SOME dedication to the marriage (even a little bit) from both spouses... then I usually think the marriage is worth trying to save, because those small seeds of 'love' and 'respect' might be kindled enough to bloom again and the marriage can get back on track. But to be frank, it doesn't even look like your dh likes you or the baby. NOTHING YIELDS NOTHING. Trying to squeeze love from your husband is like trying to squeeze water from a stone. You have to ask yourself if there is even anything in your relationship from which to save this marriage. If until now you couldn't get him to care about the marriage, what makes you think you can make him care about saving it now?

    Unfortunately, it takes one person to break a marriage, but both to save it.
     

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