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Husband regrets marriage with me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by riya123, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Very well said!:thumbsup

    Riya

    How old is your kid? When you saw your MILs behaviour and husbands behaviour how did you plan for kid? I dont get this point at all how lately woman get married and the next thing on their mind is kids!!! come on, you dont know the guy, his parents and how they will behave with you and you already got a new life into all this, who is going through teh same painful life as you are.

    Atleast now take some time and think it over. What do you want to do. If your job is more important, then make it clear and also tell your husband that you want to be his wife and as a wife and DIL of the house you would deliver your responsibility! whatever it is. But at the same time you would also preserve yourself respect and if someone treats you like a slave/maid you wont take it and you wouldnt want to have anything to do with such people (by the way dont refer to his parents/sister just say people)

    Also you have to STOP being blunt about whatever you want to tell him about his parents/sis. No son would be that broad minded to see his parents from a diff. angle. If his mom behaves that way, well then good go out buy some snacks and get it and keep it in your bedroom. If she doesnt let you use any of that stuff, buy another set of them and keep for your usage. However all these was in past, now you are with your husband, so dont pick up on past things and try to get an answer out of him. NO. He wasnt there and he wouldnt understand/beleive what you are telling him. So best thing, handle things with tact.Handle the PRESENT!

    On phone talk very very nicely to his mom and sister. Say yes to whatever he is saying like you have to take care of his mom etc..etc..But at that time do what you can and then keep mum. Best thing to do always is be silent and let the other person go crazy. But if you get all hyper and fight iwth your husband whose life is spoiled?? yours only.

    Riya

    always remember one thing. When you say someone gives you stale food, that shows how submissive you were. The moment you answer themr ight on their face and act all innocent and calm and YES BOSS kind infront of your husband (just like your MIL) things will work out for you. You have to handle things with his parents at his back but infront of him ensure you bend down and show him that you wont raise your voice against his parents/him.

    Either you act with tact and win them with their own tricks. Or quit on your marriage. Quitting is easier. But hanging around and claiming your marriage and teaching his parents and sister a lesson also makes you grow more confident and mature.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Tridev, the option of divorce or separation exists for a reason. And people are going to suggest it as they see fit. This is an open forum so you are likely to have a multitude of opinions from various people and they are all not going to be the same. In the end, the OP only knows what is best for her and act accordingly. She is not going to queue up in divorce court because people on an internet forum suggested it.

    People can offer advice and suggestion only based on the information presented and each person has a perspective on it, based on the available information. Based on what she said, some of us feel divorce is the better option as we see fit.

    It does not help the OP's cause to provide a wishy washy answer just to avoid mentioning separation or divorce as an option if the responder sees it fit and that would be of little use to the OP.

    You are ultimately responsible for the decisions you make and what suits your personal circumstances the best. People in an online forum cannot figure it out for you.
     
  3. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Riya,

    i'm so sorry to hear your trauma. some tales are unbelievable but they do happen. and these kind of MILs who have 2 faces and a son who's so stupid to believe only the good face are... well... what to say!

    I had the same question in mind that Srividya asked - how did you even plan bringing in a kid when the situation at your marital home is so disturbing? did you husband or yourself talk about the changes/responsibilities parenthood brings?

    you say your husband did know about your MIL's refusal to give you food, water etc., and what did he do as a husband/father then?

    now that you're not living in the same home as your inlaws did you tell him how hurt you were that he wasn't with you when you needed him the most? i don't think talking to him about his mother's issues would help. but what about his duties as a husband and father? is it possible for both of you to meet a counsellor. you've just got together after an year long separation that has left both of you hurt. i'm not justifying in any way your husband's role in these problems. but i can only see that you're both hurt deeply, with your own reasons, you're in a new place without parents' physical support available and all of these can be very confusing. i think you both communicating issues in the presence of a counsellor would help you decide the next step.

    and if at all after everything he insists that you 'leave' him do not give a graceful exit. for some do not learn when said sweetly. they too must suffer.

    Latha
     
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    @Malvika - Thanks for your reply and comforting words.. Had he told me to get separated when i was working, it wouldn't have been such a big blow.. Right now i have a baby to take care, i have some savings from my previous job.. I dont know where to start from?... First thing is, will i get a job, can i afford to take takecare of the child single handedly..
    During that one year, when i lived separately, i did speak of divorce.. But my husband tried to reconcile and now all of a sudden he is regretting living with me..

    @tridev -
    All he looks at me is like a 'family breaker'.. His family is still his parents and siblings..
    I have given him enough space to be with his family.. Still what more does he expect of me?.. He says i dont like his mom wholeheartedly.. How can like such lady wholeheartedly..

    @srividya
    Honest to God, i never thought in my wildest dreams, there was so much of conspiracy.. I was working, i never intereacted much with MIL.. 12-14hrs minimum i would be outside the house.. Trust me, had i realized the truth then, i would never have bought a baby into this mess.. Today i truly regret bringing a child into this marriage and putting through so much pain..
    But when will my husband realize his responsibility as a father?.. How could a father not see the child for nearly one year, despite staying only 40 mins away?..

    If he wasn't around to believe it, then why is he putting me in such a situation.. After all i would live in that house only because of him right?.. I am facing so much from his mother because of him right?..

    ok.. i will try to act the same way as you said.. Since yesterday, he told me to leave him, what do i reply?.. Shall i say yes and move out or should i apologize and tell him that i'll takecare of his mother..
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Riya, whether you say sorry or not, things will not change. Your dh has a permanent mommy complex in which he probably wishes he could marry his mom. Having you around is a constant reminder that he has to grow up and can't stay clinging to his mother forever, and I think that's what irritates him about you. You're a "family breaker" because you're a reality check that he is no longer a baby in his mom's womb. I don't think he is able to digest that reality like a man, and hence is making your life a hell.

    Frankly, it sounds like he doesn't even like you. Or your baby. Which is shocking... I don't understand how a person can not love their own little baby, but from what you wrote, looks like he could care less about you or the kid. Is this guy even human?? Personally, I would tell him "F*** your mom, she can go to hell for all I care." But seeing what type of heartless fellow your husband is, he'd probably wallop you for saying that. So if I were YOU, I would simply steer clear of any conversation involving his mom. If it comes up, just tell him you have done nothing wrong to apologize for. And if he broaches moving out, tell him you are definitely considering it and need some time to think on it. This isn't about right or wrong, sorry or not sorry, to your husband it's a control issue... where he wants to exert his power over you in the name of him and his family's ego.
     
  6. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    positive thinking

    I also feel that 'divorce' should not be thought of as a solution,it takes years to build up a relationship.Riya Iam going through the same situation but I feel my MIL is more like a MIL,more like Lalita Pawar.Our neighbours hardly see me outside and they have an idea as to how she makes my day to day a hell cos when she shouts on me the whole colony can hear.(this happens when everyone has gone to work,its just me and her in the house)I cannot reply or say anything more than sorry or apologising words cos she also shares,discusses everything with SIL and sometimes with DH whos already cut himself off from me and ya like you iam also pregnant.It was indeed a v tough decision to make.Iam also thinking about a solution day in and day out,my mind cant rest since the day i came back to parents place.
    Anyways, seeing that even second marriages fail and there's always a different kind of problem to be solved in any marriage, I dont think its a wise thing to consider divorce.A lot of people regret having spent years in a bad marriage but i feel atleast one should give it a try to make it work,wait for some time.Iam saying this cos once in my more than an yr marriage i was successful in doing something i though would never happen--my DH who had lost interest in even talking or seeing my face had changed completely,though for a short period....after that we were at in-lws place and he again became distant.but if i hadnt tried to stay calm when he'd sit,talk about divorce,divorce related laws and our lives etc.
    I was reading some positive thinking,law of attraction stuff as i was abroad and had nothing to do.Abraham Hicks,'the secret',ask and it is given.....i find it working as i accomplished a lot of things during those lonely,sad days when i wasnt allowed to make friends (there were 80% indians in our community,it was hard to avoid) and even DH had decided not to talk.In my life those were the hardest days and just in about 2months i had completely changed the scenario.My DH had begun talking to me,he would even cook meals for me and say bful things to me,share his secret feelings,keep talking for hours and tell me how much he enjoys my company now.I did all that cos I had decided that
    1. I will not worry even if he is sending me back to india after a month and we go for separation.I had prepared my mind for everything so n ow i was only looking forward to have happy feelings....going out for walk,admiring lil things,realising how blessed iam for all the good things that happened in my life and boosting my confidence.
    2. I was determined to be calm and composed in a bad situation.Like i had bought stuff to celebrate his bday even when i knew he would hardly reply to me wishing him.When he reacted in a rude way and didnt cut the cake,I made myself feel like it was my bday and when he turned away and went to another room,I put candles and started to cut the cake.All this while I was just treating myself,showering myself with love.So the next thing that happened was a miracle.He came back,cut the cake...and its like something had drastically happened inside him,he was being v sweet to me.For the next few days we had started talking!!It started with talks of divorce,what all things we'd like to do once e get rid of each other and shared what we hated and liked in each other etc....slowly we were so comfortable that it never felt like we were ever going to go apart. :)
    That;s my story and i dont know how i;ll gather myself....MIL prob is bigger than DH prob cos she affects my self esteem big time.i dont know how but there definitely is a way things can slowly become better and good.One just needs to drift away from tensions,change focus and other good things will automatically come.
    All the best!
     
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Malvika, I never said , that mentioning divorce is not right, its just one has to be careful and not keep beating divorce, also it was just my general observation, that we tend to tell others what we dont tend to do ourself, that is how human nature is, it is very easy to say to other divorce esp when we are not even there in that situation what a person is, sometimes suggesting divorce will solve one problem and create a bigger new problem

    many single women will vouch for it that leaving husbands or abusive relation was one challenge and then to live alone other, esp when it comes to Indian context, not US or UK context, in west women are independent, they live alone, they are single parent, never get married, society is very different, even when educated women who live with their spouse in US who are basically from India, when seperation comes the girl leaves and goes back to India, there living a single life with a kid is not easy, the society would not allow to live them in peace either.

    This was just in general sense , may be divorce is best for OP, but if she has no one to take care of her, after divorce and is left alone to fend, then it is not easy to fight against all odds. Sometimes divorce is necessary and it will solve problems to great extent.
     
  8. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Riya, yw. I know divorce is going to be daunting and not an easy thing to go thru with a child, but you need to objectively evaluate your relationship and see what is the best for your circumstances. Things are going to be rough after the divorce for a while, but you will come out of it better as time goes by. The other option is to stay. Only you can best decide what works for your personal situation. But if you are afraid to leave for the sole reason that you don't want to face the rough road ahead, then you need to reevaluate your decision. Imagine scenarios like 'what if this happens 5 yrs from now' or 'what if it is 10 yrs from now' etc. Will you be better off than what you are now then by delaying it?
    Only you can be the best judge of it eventually.
    Tridev, I cannot educatedly speak about everyone else on this forum other than myself but if I were in Riya's situation, divorce is a no brainer for me. First off, I would not have let myself be emotionally abused to the extent she has gone through but that aside, I see divorce or separation as the best option and if I were her, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I have no use for abusive spouses and emotionally abusive relationships and I have the courage and confidence to be better off on my own than be in a relationship that is abusive and emotionally draining.

    Divorce is not an easy choice for anyone, be it the east or the west. Yes, it is a challenge and yes it is going to be rough on you for a while but what is the alternative? Stay in a abusive relationship and be tormented day in and day out? Better things will emerge out of the former but whereas the latter is a road to nowhere. Life is too short and precious to be wasted in a lousy marriage or relationship.

    Riya is educated and she can soon find something and even though the initial phase may be rocky, she will emerge out of it a better person and will be much better off. You read her story as much as me. So you tell me from what you can deduce from it, what does she have to cling on to in that marriage? Her husband already wants her to leave. If she stayed on and put herself thru this for the next 5 or 10 years and one day, the husband forces her out and files for a divorce, then what? She'll be left out as a woman with low self esteem, no self confidence and a emotional wreck (years of emotional abuse can do that to you) and her options become limited. So why not get out when you can fare better? Her kid will be better off with her as a single parent than being in a household where mum and dad are fighting everyday.

    It may not be easy to fight against all odds and it may all seem like a daunting task, but trust me, she will come out of it in better shape than what she was originally. As time progresses, the task of emerging out of a bad relationship only becomes harder. If you are afraid of drowning and refuse to get in the water, you may never learn to swim. Lot of women who go thru divorces come out of it in better shape eventually.

    Yep, divorces are necessary in some cases so you can start afresh in life and make it better. Staying in abusive relationships does not lead you to anywhere better. Staying in this marriage and trying to fight it out is a losing battle in my opinion and lot of times, it is not worth it when you clearly know you are in a bad relationship and chances of it getting better are very slim.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Seems like you took out words from my mouth:)

    Riya

    When you ask questions like HE is asking me to leave the house, should I?? why dont you ask the same question to yourself?? Why do you want to be with him? what are the qualities that he has and how many happy moments do you have when you live with your husband? is he a good father? atleast caring once in a while? does he respect your/love you atleast when his mom/sis are not around? Ask yourself and list down things where you know why you want to be with him? and why you can quit and dont go further with this any marriage any more! List out reasons under these 2 buckets and see which one has more reasons and you would know the answer.

    Many of us might give you many suggestions. But you being in the situation, are you willing to live single? by divorcing? with a kid? are you bold enough?

    My suggestion would be lay low for a while. See if he is bringing up the same topic over and over again. If not then just let it slide for this time. Also do not be blunt in answering things ina YES/NO with your husband. Answer your MIL/SILs tactics just like them i.e be very very nice infront of your husband with them and at the back dont even care whta they are doing. Also dont keep saying they give stale food, they keep snacks in custody etc..etc...you are a grown up and you are earning. You should just give a devilish smile to them go out eat and come home and act all weak and say you werent given food. Or save that stale food for next day morning and give it to SIL as a breakfast:biglaugh

    STOP complaining about inlaws to your husband. This should be the biggest change he has to see. Act all interested when he is talking about them. Havent you heard about all talks no action kind of people??? you should develop such attitude. Dont try to shower love / resentment on your husband. Just be your normal self for a while.

    Come on I guess you got to see some of those old movies where the DIL teaches lesson to such nasty inlaws and pick up some tips and tricks on acting. Seems like these days most of us woman are very good at household chores, raising kids, and also great at work in office/career, but when it comes to handling these silliest crazy dramas by inlaws we are falling short. Time to buckle up and learn.

    I have one of my neighbour, this girl is very very young when compared to all of the other housewives around, the way she treats others parents i.e neighbours parents/inlaws is with super super respect , the other day she was saying that her husband said something to her about how she was insulting her MIL or something, and she broke into tears infront of her husband and asked her husband how can you even think of me doing such things? or saying such things? why would I do that? I thought of your mom as my mom etc..etc...a big DRAMA!!! her husband totally cooled down and apologized. Whether she meant it or not is another thing, but its like reverse work out. Try to check whether it works rather than outright bluntly saying NO I wont take care of your mother.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Riya,

    I just wanted to ask basic simple question.
    If you take out your MIL from your marraige,how is relation between both of you.I guess lot of India men the basic expecation is where women is making food for them and taking care of them.It's not all ,but the people like your husband where they don't respect women or where who wanted a submissive wife.
    If you are working 16 hours per day then where is time for you to take care of your family?
    I beleive the basic connection didn't establish in your marraige and you both are very busy with your corresponding carriers and your husband might have some expecctations from his wife and he dissatified with his expecations.That's what I am feeling it here.
    My husband cleary won't appretiare if I back seat my family and spend more time on my professional.I cearly know I can only keep the family happy if I meet my husband expectations.
    You might not expect thigs would come to this stage but we need to assert our marraige in each and every step.If things are not going well,we need to decide to stay in the marraige or not.If we wanted to stay in the marriage then we need to act submissive rather than saving self respect.
    So I don't know other than your MIL,you have any issues between both of you for domestic work and handling the house responsabilites.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010

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