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Husband regrets marriage with me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by riya123, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    I am writing this thread as i am in a very disturbed state of mind.. I am unable to find a solution to my problem .. This post will be quiet long..

    Background
    I have been married for 3 and 1/2 years and i have a child.. Since day 1 of my marriage i never could have a good relation with my husband.. He supports his mother a lot.. But that lady has been creating lot of trouble to me.. My MIL is studied till 9th.. She shows dual behavior.. Infront of her son she'll be quiet.. But when he is not there, she speaks very badly to me.. Some instances like -
    - If i should live in that house, i should serve her daughter (My SIL) , otherwise i can pack off to my parents place
    - My SIL has demands like dinner sharp at 8 , breakfast at 8 am.. The food should be hot and served right in her plate while she watches TV..
    My MIL expects me to do her service
    - MIL tries to give me stale food all the time.. She stares at my plate.. She told me to eat after everyone finishes eating.. They made sure very little is left over..
    - She refused to take care of my child when i worked.. I told i'll appoint a nanny and she can only monitor.. She refused..
    - My FIL fought with me to quit my job.. But i refused to quit my job..

    Husband also speaks very demeaning things to me like
    - Before marriage i was thin, so he said i am thin inorder to impress boys
    - His sister is fat because she doesn't think of impressing boys
    - On our honey moon which was for 1 and 1/2 days he only kept describing his super talented sister
    - He says his sister is more goodlooking compared to me..
    - After delivery i put on some weight and since the child is hyperactive, i get tired a lot.. So he says i look like an aunty..
    - He says his sister is more cheerful and lively compared to me..
    - He comments on my driving.. His sister drives better than me..
    - He is very good looking and i didnt deserve him..
    I am getting sick of his superficiality.. I dont feel he is my husband..
    -

    Problem
    Now, that i had refused to quit my job, my FIL hated me for that.. Things got worse after having a baby.. I went to their home along with a 3 month old baby.. My MIL would not give me food when my husband was away to work.. She used to hide snacks in her bedroom.. For giving bath to the child she would empty the water tank or switch of the boiler saying it'll consume current.. Husband gave a deaf ear to all this.. In-laws have a 5 bedroom house, where Husband has contributed a major share to that house..
    So, once i got sick of their behavior and i left that house.. I started living with my parents.. I continued my job from there.. During that period my husband didn't even bother to come and see the child.. I used to have bitter fights with him.. His response was, they are my parents and i see nothing wrong in their behavior.. He always saw me as someone who would tear apart his family.. He said he would take me to court if i attempted to tear apart his family..
    He said, you are the one who left the house, so you are the one who should come back.. I didnt go back to that house for nearly one year..
    My MIL was cold and never bothered to see even the child's face.. My parents place is only 45 mins aways from their house..

    Now that i have come to US along with my husband hasn't sunk in well with them.. My MIL had once told me, that my husband should only go abroad and i have to stay there to serve them.. She remained quiet in front of husband..
    Yesterday, i had an arguement with my husband.. In the arguement i refused to serve his mother because she harassed me so much post delivery.. So, i refused to take care of his mother.. I said why cant your sister take care of her.. So he started regretting getting married to me.. He started blaming me that i have separated him from his parents.. Not even a single day he has enjoyed being married to me.. Even when i was working, he never shared my happiness or sadness .. In US also, he hardly talks to me.. He'll be glued to laptop after he comes from work.. Yesterday he literally told me to leave him..
    I dont know what is going wrong in my marriage.. How long should i endure nuissance from him and his parents
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2010
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry to say, you've married a jerk. Really, that's all there is to it. So you've got two options...

    1) stay married to a jerk
    2) divorce a jerk

    Neither options sound like much fun to me. But that's the reality. It's pretty clear he doesn't care about you or the kid. I think for the rest of your lives together, he will always hype up his imagination to believe that YOU seperated him from his parents and fat sister. When reality is, looks like he came to US all on his own free will. He's overly attached to his family and his sister is just plain weird. I don't think that's going to change. So it's up to you whether you want to continue being the doormat for this family, or seek a different family. Bad inlaws are one thing, lots of us have them, and live happy married lives. But when the husband is just as bad as the inlaws, the marriage becomes an uphill struggle, every day, forever and ever.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2010
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    OP , temprorary seperation of one year, and then suddenly you are saying you came to US with husband, the link between is missing, how come you both got together again? what made reconciliation, what was discussed to reconcile and live together again? if it was just a hush hush affair of getting again together, then it is a mistake, may be you thought that he is going to US, away from his family so you can join him , live a good life, and hoping problems wont come, but the person is same, attitude is same, habits are same, if there are no closure to resentment, past hurt, problems , then the burden of past will never allow to live in peace anywhere, what solution do you see in this situation? Also when you moved to your parents place and stayed for one year, that aggravated the situation, not that it was not right for you to do, I cannot even imagine what you wrote is true, its like movie scenes, I know MIL's who do everything that you said your MIL was not doing, in such cases DIL become bad. There will be someone or other who take advantage of someones weakness or goodness, most of the times...

    Still your MIL behavior was very very absurd and inhuman if that is how it was in true sense. It is not good, I dont see you finding peace in this relationship until your husband changes a lot and his family and other issues may not allow that completely.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2010
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    @Asg - I dont know what to do.. I dont know if i am hanging on to him only for the fear of living alone..

    @Tridev - I was too disturbed when i wrote this post.. I'll answer your questions

    I had quit my job few months before he came to US.. once my husband called me and told that he was sorry for his mother's behavior and that he would tell his mom to mind her behavior from now on.. The main reason for quitting my job was my baby.. My job was very demanding, tough deadlines, late work hours.. At home my mom was also was not willing to babysit for long hours.. So i thought i'll quit atleast till he starts going to nursery..
    The reconciliation was the only phone call from my husband.. But after moving into his house, nothing changed.. His mom was the same.. Husband was the same..

    Since i had a problem with his mother's behavior, i thought moving to US could solve the problem..
    But NO, he is clinging onto it.. In India, i never really had the time to analyze his behavior.. Before having a baby, i used to work for like 15-16 hrs a day.. Even my pay was very good.. So i hardly had the time to analyze my MILs or husband's behavior.. When i started staying at home ,i started feeling the brunt.. I never thought of such petty things.. I had a vague idea that she was not a very good person..

    Even my husband doesn't believe that she did all that to me.. She didnt allow me to use water hater, gas stove.. All the time she would come behind on me spying.. If i went to kitchen to atleast make tea for myself, she would either hide tea powder or turn off the cylinder.. So i couldn't stay there.. I had a c-section, i was not physically strong to combat her.. I had become anaemic post delivery..
    When i went to my parent's place, my parents and grandma took care of me and i recovered from anaemia..

    Now my arguement is, when she behaved so badly with me, then why should i take care of her now?..
    Why is husband going ballistic with this..
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Ria, you will need to balance if you want to stay married, if not then its upto you, lets say you are right, she misbehaved with you, now you dont want to take care , talk to your MIL, but you are also staying married to her son, and unless he knows how to take care of this situation by keeping both of you at bay, situation is not going to improve. Moreover he would have observed something in you too, that he is upset. May be something trigerred in you because of someone elses behavior, and you became bad at times. But that bad side destroys the relation, whether right or wrong it happens. I feel your pain I know what you are going through. I know how it is to deal with bad person day in and day out.

     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2010
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Let your husband take care of her. You don't owe her anything. The responsibility towards a mil is exactly that, a responsibility to a MOTHER in law, not a MONSTER in law. Since your mil behaves like a brute, let your HUSBAND take care of her. Afterall, it's HIS mom, and she's so great, right? He should feel honored to take care of his Goddess mom. :bonk
     
  7. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    My suggestion is going to be very similar to what ASG said

    a) Stay in a lousy marriage
    b) Get out when you can and file for a divorce

    Lets examine Option A. You can stay in this lousy marriage with the hopes of it getting better. But from what you described and your husband's attitude and his lack of inclination to stay in it or save it, this probably is not the wisest option and it is probably going to get worse. You don't want to look back 10 years from now and say 'I should have gotten out of this lousy marriage 10 years ago when I had the chance'. You are probably young now so your options now are wider than what it will be 10 years from now. You have to look at this with a pragmatic perspective.

    Option B. Get out and file for a divorce. Based on what you said so far, I'd personally lean towards this option. I understand your fears of being alone etc but what is the point of staying in a abusive and lousy marriage? Staying in this marriage is going to shatter your confidence and make you a emotional wreck and the longer you stay in it, the worse off you are going to be. Getting out of it is probably going to be tough and difficult in the beginning and you'll have endure that phase, but think of this as an opportunity to build your confidence and be an independent woman and when you get thru the phase, you would have become a better person with better life experiences. You are young now so you have a lot of options that may open up to you and you maybe able to find another person who'd treat you better. By staying in the marriage, you are shutting out all the doors that could open up. It is going to be rough on you initially after the divorce but you'll eventually get past that phase and will emerge a better person. A bad relationship between you and your husband is not a very healthy environment for your kid to grow up in either.

    One last ditched effort you can try is have a open conversation with your husband to evaluate the status quo of your marriage and what changes you seek to stay in it. Then give it a 3 or 6 month evaluation period and see how it goes and if things are the same or worse, then its time for you to bid adieu as you are stuck in a dead end relationship and will be for a very long time, if you stay.

    Oh I forgot to mention. Leave the whole MIL variable out of this relationship and evaluate your husband as an individual and come to a decision as to whether he is a person worth being with or not. I know there is a whole MIL variable to your marriage at the moment, but try to keep that out of your evaluation process.

    Goodluck and hopefully you'll come to a prudent decision sooner than later.
     
  8. aghosh19

    aghosh19 New IL'ite

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    Riya, you are being subject to cruelty in your marriage. But my observation is that you are not in risk of losing life or limb. At this point you do not have proper documentation or records of the cruelty that you are being subject to.

    Although the law heavily supports women, its not wise to take criminal action immediately. You MUST assert at this moment that you are very serious of living a decent and respectable family life and this is being denied to you.

    I would suggest you do two things immediately -

    (1) Collect all evidence - voice / video / mails / sms which reflect hate and ignorance towards you

    (2) Call or visit a good lawyer and ask him to issue a legal notice asking your husband and inlaws to immediately abjure domestic violence and acting against your will.

    The above 2 will help you immensely if the situation does not improve and you are forced to take it to a court.
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I read a line in the newspaper this morning that made me think of you, Riya. It said "It's better to BE alone, than WISH you were alone". Meaning, it's better to be single and happy (or at least single with the CHANCE of finding TRUE HAPPINESS) than married and stuck with the wrong person.
     
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    I feel we should avoid giving advice of seperation as easily as it is seen on this forum these days, I have seen many posters who give advice of seperation but when it comes to their own lives, they reason out, well this may not be true, or they may have viewed their relations differently, but when it comes to advising others, we have to be little more careful , more so because it is easier said than done.

    In western culture people give divorce left and right , even for small reasons. like losing interst in marriage, not giving other a chance, just living on contractual terms .

    In Indian context Divorce are increasing but are still tough to digest even for the more educated person, every one knows that it is at times viable, but when kids are involved, when entire life is at stake, not every one can take that bold step as easy. If one is that bold and independent then one will not lack another reason to call it quits in second marriage too. Not that OP should stay in the marriage but she has to evaluate herself.

    Reading advices that leave wife, leave husband, a negative and depressed person will become more depressed. JMO
     

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