Husband Problem -it all started with inlaws

Worldtraveller · Aug 15, 2013

Hello Ladies,

I have been reading here and truly think that most of you here are so mature and give reasonable advices to all.
My problem started with my inlaws. They are very mean, do not treat me as family, lie to me , hide things from me. My MIL is very manipulative and talk sweetly.Entire family my FIL, SIL, Husband cannot say anything to her infact they all obey her like GOD...when I got married, for the first year i observed and slowly realized how cunning she is . She was makng my husband realize all the time that they come first before me, he used to send them dollars all the time...even when studying, when I was working they took like thousands of dollars and never budged in to help with my husband studies ( not even mentioned to offer a loan amount).

Money is one side, she wanted me to follow everything she says and I simply refused to blindly follow her. That caused a lot of problems between me and my husband for like 5 years.

Even after my delivery, she did not help at all but my husband praise her all the time like some GOD. He has now started to accept some of her big faults like lying, being rude to me, not treating me as afamily but oofcourse his affection remains the same for them and he fights with me for small things.

I do not feel like talking to my inlaws but do make sure to communicate to keep peace in my life.my husband realize that I'm not the same with my inlaws as I used to respect them years back and instead of understanding that I have changed beacuse the way they treat me, he put faults at me. I just do not realize that he cannot understand the simple concept of self respect. If someone does not treat me good , how long I can i treat them nice?

Sorry for this long story, but now the situation is though I'm not happy with my husband for never taking my side ( even in the situation when my FIL directly blamed me and shouted , my husband was standing as a dumb ass).
I try to minimal communicate with inlaws, but do talk to them once or twice a week.

Other problem that I had since beginning of my marriage 7 years back is my huband's nature. He is very mean to my family . I get very sad by small incidents like , he never even bother about my brother, sisters...i make sure to make relationship even with his cousins and he does that too with his cousins, but he does not want to have relationship with my brother or sister. He tries to be nice sometimes to pretend in front of me, but he does not feel for them...

I kind of accepted that too, but when It comes to parents my heart sometimes cries...
My parents are opposite of my inlaws...they want to make sure that he feel like a family so they discuss every family thing with him and make him the decision maker as well...so much so respect that they call on his phone and not mine..
Though I have been trying to ignore everything these days to have peace , but some of the things are really pinching...like when my parents call he would not even tell that they called and wnt even bother to call back to see if there is soemthing urgent...while when his parents calls, even if 1 missed call, he immediately no matter where he is , what he is doing will call them . If he does not have time, lets say we are in a party, he will staill call them to tell that I will call later...

I feel that he is the most mean person on earth, though he is my husband...and this is just one incident as I said i'm trying to ignore...

what can I do ? how can i make him realize that my parents are treating him good and he should not behave in such a way .His parents have never given any importance to me ever and he expect me to be always nice to them etc etc...
any suggestion ladies ????how much should I just accept and ignore..for inlaws, i agree I cannot do much and the best ways is to stay out , but what about having some relationships with people who cares? my husband is being really selfish here and I know he is doing it purposely, not that this is his nature...If my inlaws were nice to me, I would have talked to them and would be happy to have good relationship with them..

azalea · Aug 15, 2013

Don't expect your husband to learn how good your parents are. Tell your parents to call on your phone. You wrote about your husband not understanding the concept of self respect, teach the concept to your parents. Our parents do not have to bear this kind of indifference from their sons-in-laws just because their daughters are married to them. Show some tough love to your parents. Tell them what your husband does with their calls. Also, don't force or expect your husband to talk to your parents. If he does it willingly, then it is ok. If not, don't expect or cry for that. You talk with them and if you have kids, let them talk, too. Similarly, if you don't want to talk to your in-laws, don't. I don't talk with my in-laws. My husband did not want to talk with my parents. So I told him that since it s impossible for him to talk to my parents who have helped him, it is impossible for me to talk with his parents, who were nasty to me. He argued initially but now, if they ask to talk to me, he tells them that I am busy. I am at peace with this arrangement.

friendlygirl · Aug 15, 2013

Worlsdtraveler,

To put it bluntly, you are expecting something that will never happen!! According to your husband, what he is doing is correct. I would say you don't do and don't expect either. Is he stopping you from taking care of your parents and communicating to them? If you answered no then that is all matters. he can never be a son for your parents and you can never be a daughter for your ILs. As long he is letting you be who you are with your parents and manage to keep things calm when they are here then it is fine. your parents need you not your husband.

Coming to your situation, the same what i told for you applies to your husband as well. But i understand that in erality the expectation is not like that. I would say be calm..dont tell him that you are purposely avoiding your ILS or even compare his behavior with your parents to your behavior with ILS. This will only worsen the situation since he will not understand. Instead slowly try to distance yourself from your ILs ...but maintain a cordial relationship with them when you see them and act as if nothing is wrong.

sunshine1970 · Aug 15, 2013

Hi Friendlygirl and azalea have given you great advice. I agree with them. Our IL want DH and not us, also tell your parents they need to curtail their attention to DH because it is not appreciated. I found after 10 years of marriage the key to IL is to detach but don't let anyone know you are doing it including your DH. Say nice things about them when he talks about them, ask how their health is etc. I would chat with him when he calls and leave it at that. Don't expect your DH to treat your parents with tons of love and affection, this is rarely the case and it is better to keep distance. It seems like he does not stop you from seeing them so nothing wrong. You can't agonize over the fact he does not show them equal respect because this is beyond your control, this is something he has to do if he wishes.

gayathri12345 · Aug 16, 2013

WorldTraveller
First a big hug to you
Try to avoid the situations and behave as sweetly as you can with your DH.
Try to act as normal as you can with your inlays, I understand your MIL is manipulative but when she can be on good books of your husband despite of all cruelty with you, now it is your turn to act smart and be as nice as you can and leave no room for complaints. I mean call her before she calls you, and act for a while and hang up before the discussion goes beyond and do it in a way that despite of your schedule you do think of them, try this way before your husband. This makes him realize that you started concerning about them and I m sure this trick will work for you as it did work for me I came through same situation and now I'm fine.

Secondly don't expect you husband to treat your parents as his, none if the husbands have that great heart except few to treat inlaws equally. Now it is high time for you to realize and tell your parents the truth about the same, so hat hey will not have expectations on him. But you take care of your agents because they are you parents.. They need support from you.

Just make balance of life this way. Instead of igniting the fight with DH, this way is much better to love ur parents n focus on them and at the same time act with your in-laws as though care hem. This way your inlaws will have no complaints against you, your parents have no false expectations about your DH, at he same time you and DH will minimize fights.

Think about it and keep me posted about the developments.