Husband planning to visit IL's

harpreet86 · Jun 5, 2013

Hi ladies,

First of all I would like to say that I am getting addicted to this forum asthe days pass by. Whenever I am stuck in any situation I run to you gurls!!! Iam amazed that how this virtual friend circle is very helpful and dependable.Love you all.

Situation: I don’t have very pleasant relation with my IL's (as usual). Theyare not rude to me but don’t spare me as well. They don’t leave any opportunityto brainwash my husband against me and turn the tables. They don’t say anythingdirectly to me. Now the problem is my husband wants to go overseas to meet his family(he visits overseas every year). This is his second visit after marriage, Iaccompanied him in first visit (I hated it). This time I don’t want to accompanyhim for two reasons.

1 Most evil person my eldest SIL (she lives in diff country) is visiting aswell.

2 I am going to finish my course by the end of this month and I would ratherlook for job than sulking at IL's place. I am missing my parents too but job ismost important for me at this point.

My problem is I don’t want to stop him because he wants to spend time withhis mom but on the other hand I am sure he will come back with long face and abaggage of complaints. He is not going to tell me what’s in his mind but keepthe baggage in himself and will vent out on me whenever he feels like or gets achance. It’s going to be long procedure and I have to suffer for months andcorrecting him, pacifying him, clarify him, winning him, and proof him and mostof the time I am unable to proof myself correct when it comes to his parents andsisters and I know it’s not going to happen anyway. It’s going to cause bigdamage but am I ready for that damage? No I am not.

Ladies please suggest if you have been to this situation what did you do? Isthere any way to avoid these situations? Any homework I can do at this point orwait for that situation and let him come back first and then think ofsolutions. How to handle this situation I don’t know. Am I overthinking? I don’twant to sit idle when I know the problem is coming to me.

shaluk · Jun 5, 2013

Never leave your husband. esp if he is prone to brainwashing. If you are there you will get to know what exactly is happening instead of just trying to correct brain washing by talking to him after his arrival. It will be a tough pill to swallow but take it if you can. I learnt this lesson very very hard way. My husband is most loving husband and still when he was left without shelter i could see the sign of brainwashing developing. He knows me too well to get carried away by brain washing but i could see it germinating and corrected things right away. Remember one thing, if you tell a lie to someone 100 times then they'll believe it to be true. and if lies/modified impressions/half truths comes from family he trusted then damage could be long lasting, if not unrepairable. More evil ILs more strong you need to back. Sounds strange but true.

harpreet86 · Jun 5, 2013

Dear shauk,
Thanx for replying back. I agree with every single word of u but my problem is i want to stay back and search for job. I was jobless after i came overseas and started to study, so now my course is finishing so i dont want to give two Months gap after finishing my course. Regarding brainwashing they are going to do it anyway. Last time they did it when i was visiting my parents. I dont know what to do i am having sleepless nights. I know damage is going to happen but feeling helpless. Plz advise if you have any solutions to stop brainwashing.

guesshoo · Jun 5, 2013

Your priority seems to be your career (IMO, rightly so) Let him go. However, when he is there, call and talk sweetly to his family.

No amount of justifying yourself will help when problems are all imagined or simply misconstrued.

If he acts up, don't show your hurt. Just act surprised and ask him exactly what is behind such an unprovoked (verbal) attack. Don't encourage his behaviour by cajoling him or trying to win him over as though you have done something wrong. If he has a problem, he has to state it. If he doesn't act as if nothing is wrong. Go about your daily chores. Acknowledge that you realize he is in a bad mood - cheerily say, "You still seem upset. Cheer up. If it helps talk to me." Don't take any blames. If he starts blaming you, instead of justifying yourself, just dismissively say, "You know me better than to think that is true." and go on with your life..

Your upbeat mood should bring him around to his senses...

Good luck,
G

Irfana3300 · Jun 5, 2013

Don't leave hm alone, try to go with him. Then ur IL & SIL won't get more chance for brainwashing. In homecountry also try to be with him always, don't show u r unhappy(especially in front of SIL). Try to be in pleasant&happy mood which wil make them jealous upon u & DH. I had the same experience, I wil always go along with hm even if I don't like to go there. because of the aftereffects...........Try to make them believe that there is no secret in btw u & DH, u wil come to knw wtever they told to ur husband abt u.
If u didn't go u won't get an escape frm these thoughts.

arthimahalakshm · Jun 5, 2013

even me also suggesting you to try to go along with your husband .in front of your dh you move sweetly with your ils and this will help you to win his confidence.
if there is no compulsion for you to get a job,your priority will be winning his heart.

anahita5 · Jun 5, 2013

i think you should go with him. meet your parents too. once the job starts the whole leave from work thing will start. tell everyone you are looking for a job and do your job search from your mil's house. PILs will have less time to brain wash and don't get dragged into any conflict.

sunshine1970 · Jun 5, 2013

HI I think you should definitely go with your husband. They have access to him for two months, and I remember in my earlier days my IL would brainwash my husband in a single day. Go for 1 month then come back, but be super sweet to everyone so that your husband sees what they say is not correct. Either you give up something now, i.e. go on trip and delay job search, or you spend the next 6 months after he comes back trying to figure out how to reverse the brainwashing. I would rather go now. It is important that you show these people you and your husband care for each other and they cannot get in the way.!

plakshmi · Jun 5, 2013

hi

my 2 cents. do not leave him alone. since you want to be career oriented get a job and work for some time. plus postpone your dh trip. get leave and u can accompany him.
or else whatever they tell u do not bother tell him you are working to your conscious. and let him be a better judge. only if you do mistake you must be scared or they badmouth you . they are only degrading themselves.\

lakshmi