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Husband online chatting with old online friends

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Viyappu, Aug 21, 2014.

  1. Viyappu

    Viyappu New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I got to see some of husband's online chatting with one of his online friends(not school/college friends/colleagues). She is an online friend of may be 10+ years. He had made friends with her before we were married and has met her a couple of times(before either of them were married). I know he does chat with her off and on and he knows I don't like it as well. We have had arguments(Serious) regarding this in the past. But he would not stop it, saying "it does not do any harm. She is another friend".
    The recent chatting that I saw had messages like "life is boring w/o you", "Need you to boost up my life" "love you" and "really miss u a lot".

    Don't know how I should approach this/handle this.

    We are expecting our 2nd baby in a few months. I don't know other than the emotional part, from a daily routine perspective if his life has changed much from pre-pregnancy period to now. He does not pitch in anything more/extra in terms of chores from what he used to do. I do the cooking and taking care of the kid. He does not do anything special for me nor does he even accompany me to the doctor visits. Neither do I ask for any. You feel like doing things, you do it; you don't feel like it, I do whatever I can and not complain.

    Our previous serious argument about online chatting was during my previous pregnancy/soon after delivery. He had similarly used sweet/romantic words to an online friend but a different girl/girls(I don't know about them. He has never spoken about them).I am sure he did chat other times as well, but not sure if it was all this romantic. That time he somehow flipped the topic saying that I was kind of having post-partum depression and what he was doing was nothing serious.

    Sometimes he says he does not have to stop it as they are just friends. Sometimes he has said he will stop it. But doesn't look like he has. But he has very nicely done it behind my back. He will do it on his office computer where I won't have access to.

    I have told him in the past, if he values the online friends much more that he does not want to stop come what may, He might as well leave us and do that and there will be nobody to bother him. But he would not let us alone either.

    I am wondering what I should do about his romantic online chatting with his old friend. Especially, when we are expecting our second one.

    Note: Some of you might know from my previous threads that I had to do some convincing for the second kid, but he did it willingly and was not forced or tricked into it. But he goes back and forth on it. I guess he just can't decide and stick to it.

    Hope to hear your thoughts on it.
     
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  2. anitalovesyou

    anitalovesyou Silver IL'ite

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    Cheating is just not physical...there is something called as emotional cheating also. Some guys get a kick when they talk and enjoy with other girls, after few years of marriage, especially after kids enter the picture, and the wife is not the same like her olden days, both physical looks and emotional level ( after all maintaing a family each and every day does take its toll). I am not saying that your husband will get physically involved with her, but whats the point about sweet romantic talk with an outsider ?? It proves that he is geting enjoyment out of it. And these kind of enjoyment gradually lead to more enjoyment seeking grounds. I hope u get my point. I just dont get it why guys cant be this happy with the girl who takes care of him, his house, his kids, his family ...hhmm... ehshan pharamosh !
     
  3. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Viyappu

    These days....Internet, cell phones provide easy access to instant gratification. Without physical relationship...online cheaters convince themselves what they are doing isnt wrong. Its like an addiction. Your husband is seeking attention and excitement outside the marriage and the attention he gets must be giving him a temperory high. Last time you had a fight was again when you were pregnant. When people seek attention elsewhere it is a sign that a detatchment is happening in the marriage... so it is better to have a calm heart to heart without expressing anger or frustration...try to be more giving and make him feel needed. Ask him to accompany you to the doctor visits... ask him for help, opinion, support anything..at all to make him feel needed, loved and wanted. That will make him less liable to seek attention elsewhere. If you still feel that he will regress... maybe counseling would help.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Is he still working from home?

    Tell him what he is doing is emotional cheating and should know the consequence of that.Shame on him to choose your most vulnerable time to do it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2014
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is not a casual friendship. It is far beyond that.
    This is not his first time mistake. That too, he has been repeating the same several times after being caught red handed and confronted. So, it is amount to cheating.

    As a husband, what did he do to cope with his wife's postpartum depression? Did he take you to the doctor? or counselor? or at least adjusted his temperament and chores with you?

    If not, why he needs to tell this? Perhaps, he is trying to make you feel guilt about your accusations?

    Your marriage doesn't sound like a normal marriage. You do your work, and I do my work is not perfect marriage life.
    In particular, his lack of attention towards his wife's pregnancy, doctor visit and postpartum is definitely a red flag.

    Since he needs a family for the social purposes, he would continue to stick with you, but find happiness in somewhere else. This is not acceptable.

    Confront with him right away. Involve both parents or common relatives once you have clear evidence. But before doing this, let him know that you might involve others if he keeps on ignoring your requests in this regard.
     
  6. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    People do get bore of routine.He should figure out other ways to create excitement in life instead of cheating .But that is something HE should do.
     
  7. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Immediately after my marriage, I faced a similar situation. I bumped upon a chat between my DH and a member from some online game forum. The chat was out-rightly flirtatious. I was at the verge of a break down however, immediately, I confronted my DH, and he realized his blunder..we worked towards improving the fragile bond and renewing the lost trust and i must tell you, by god's grace, we have.
    You need to have a serious word with your DH regarding this and must tell him that this counts as a fling and it is totally unacceptable!
     
  8. Viyappu

    Viyappu New IL'ite

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    Yes yellowmango, he still works from home.
     
  9. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Your husband cheating or not....we dont know

    what we know for sure is that stress is bad for a pregnant woman...

    Take care darling, of you of your lil oneChillout!. RELAX
     
  10. Viyappu

    Viyappu New IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. Still trying to gain the strength to confront him. He will very easily flip it off, bringing in something totally unrelated, inconspicous and unexpected about me. I am pretty bad at handling the emotional games from near and dear ones.

    I don't know if bringing his parents into this is a good idea. First because I tried it during the first episode(first pregnancy) and din't do much good. It was hard for me to make them understand this(I'm not very comfortable complaining about their son to them. I feel bad for them.). Similarly I can't talk about this to my parents too. I know how bad they will feel and how many sleepless nights they will have.

    But will confront him. Lets see what I have in store...
     

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