Husband not interested in 2nd child - need advice

shyla · May 13, 2007

I am married since 12 years and have a 7 year old child. I very much wish to have another child. The reason is to provide a sibling for my child. i also feel my life is incomplete if i dont have a second child. After all my mom had 7 kids, then why can't i have 2. Also, my daughter keeps asking as to why she does not have a brother or sister while everyone else in her class does. I feel very sad when i hear her talk like that. i feel it is a basic right for a child to have a sibling and why i am snatching it away from her.
Every time i hear about someone known to me has a second child, i silently cry thinking whether it will ever happen to me.
and now, the problem- my husband is not interested in having the second child. (he is an only child) For the same reason, we had delayed having our first child too, and finally she came as not planned.
He does not give me any true reason, other than saying it is too much work and financially hard. ( We both are working and earn average income which i believe is good enough to lead an average life. ) I think the real reason is that he never matured himself. he does not want to take any more responsibilities in life and wants to 'enjoy life' to the fullest without constantly worrying about children all his life. he is quite narrow minded and does not know to think long term or about the rewards of raising children. [I should mention that he does love our child dearly and love and take care of her dearly.]
Now, my husband is ready to have another child for my sake. (mostly because he does not want to loose me and the child for the reason below)
We have had number of problems in our marriage, mostly relating to infedility and at one point we were on the verge of separation. we still stuck together for the sake of our child. My husband has promised he will never go that path again. While I know that there are no guarantees to life, i ended up staying in the marriage for the sake of my child.
Now, for the sake of the same child, i want to have another one. i want to give my child a sibling. so that she will have someone when she grows up. she will not be a loner like my husband.
Even though we have had problems multiple times in span of few years in the past, my husband has promised this time that such incidents will never happen again. I have forgiven my husband completely and we lead a normal life and he seems to love me too.
but I know for sure that if such an incident happens again, i will not be able to tolerate it and walk out of this marriage on the same day. I feel I have the courage to raise my kids by myself if need be.
I dont know what are the consequences at the time of a divorce if i have 2 children instead of one. I dont know if it is better when there are 2 children, as they can solace each other or will i be causing double the sorrow. Anyhow, i dont want to think along this path, because i want to be positive and trust my husbands words that it will never happen again.
I dont want to be in the 'what if he strays again' mode because i realized it was having very negative effect on me.
please share your thoughts on whether it is a good idea to have a second child for a person like me. i feel i am on the verge of breaking down these days. I feel i may not have my husband to look for emotional support when i grow old. I want my children to be there. At that time, i should not regret not having another child.
I got unclucky in being in a bad marriage and suffering a lot during the first few years of my marriage, but should i suffer that bad luck and keep away from having the kind of family that i want...? my passion to raise multiple kids..?
I am aware that I am aging by the day and if I really want to have another child, i should have it as soon as possible.
But I dont know when is the right time. i have been waiting for some years now, if i keep waiting, i dont know if my sitation will become any better.
Thank You everyone.

JustAni · May 13, 2007

Re: need guidance..

My...

All I can say is live for the moment.... If you keep thinking negative thoughts, you will feel depressed & low. At present he is with you & has agreed to have another kid for your sake. Why do you want to loose the oppurtunity, by cultivating wrong thoughts?

As long as you are financially independent, everything will go well.... Your dream & your life.... Everything is in our hands... The way we handle our problems, & finding solutions.

Hope you conceive soon & hope your family remains together forever.

Tulasi · May 14, 2007

Re: need guidance..

Hi Shyla,

I think you should listen to your heart and do accordingly and be ready to face the consequences. if you think you should have second kid then you should go for it with out second thought b'caz after some age if you feel like having a kid also you can't have....think through carefully according to your situation..

naazneen · Aug 11, 2007

Hi Shyla,
I am soo sorry to hear about your situation. I know this is a old post but still on the oft chance that you are still able to view the answers to the query(the query being relevant anymore). I think you need to think about the familial support you have to raise your child(children). Infidelity and promiscuousness are not easily solved issues- especially with repeat offenders.
I am glad to read that you are level headed enough to know that you will be able to financially support the child(children) incase your husband leaves. But there is more to child upbringing than finances. So think about the family/friendship scenario before you take the plunge into raising a second child. Because yes he may not be there, but what if God forbid you are temporarily ill? Are you close enough to your siblings for them to step in and help in your absense? Take care and trust your own strenght always
~ N

Shrutiv05 · Aug 31, 2008

Hi,

I am a lawyer, in case I can give any free advice to you, please do not hesitate to let me know.

As far as financial independence is concerned, your husband is responsible to provide for you and as well as your children. If you are smart, then you should always be collecting proofs of his income and assets, so that you can seek your fair share in case things go wrong

SoaringSpirit · Aug 31, 2008

Dear Shyla,

I can understand your sadness about the situation. But loosing you cool is not going to help you. Think clearly about why you want a second kid. And make a note of these reasons. Also, since you have had problems with your husband in the past regarding fiedelity, I think you should surely account for "what if it happens again". I am not saying that you live under the fear that bad things might happen, but you should know your options if such a thing were to happen again. I think a lawyer can give you what the ramifications will be if, God forbid, you and hubby decide to go your own ways.

Also, are you strong enough (mentally and physcially) to take on the responsibility of two kids if things were to go south in the relationship? These are important factors in considering having a second child.

There was a similar dilemma someone had posted about having a second one. Here is the link to it - http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/22296-should-i-have-other-baby.html#post255288

Although the situation was not exactly like yours, it may give you some ideas about what else to think about.

Sometimes husbands who are opposed to having a second child will give in for the sake of the wife saying that they are not going to participate much in taking care of the child on a daily basis. I think you have to guage your husband on this and see what and how much truth he means in saying this. 'Cos you do need the husband to participate at least somewhat. Sometimes when the child comes along the husband will in fact start participating slowly but many times he may stick to his original dialogue and say that I had not signed up for this. So evaluate what kind your husband is.

Good luck.
SS