Husband not good to my parents becuause of MIL's influence...what to do?

kenny · Apr 28, 2010

reply awaited gals....Help!!!

deepd · Apr 28, 2010

hey kenny
sad to know about ur problem.I feel you can make ur DH realize that as his parents are important to him so are yours to you. So if he demands care and respect for ur MIL from u he should also respect ur parents. As you said u will be inviting ur parents over ur place for future functions etc. so its better to clear up ur Dh s mind for ur parents before that.
Regarding ur MIL i think u cant change her. try to be diplomatic with her. And it dosnt matter if shes not in talking terms with ur parents.
In future functions let them come to ur place for short time so that there will be minimum interaction between ur MIl and ur parents.

sujavinay · Apr 28, 2010

dearest kenny,
nice knowing about ur family.
but before we go to a step by step process to sort it out one thing is very important.
u have to believe u can sort this out.
simple words...?
truly dear... believe first, then we proceed.

rule 1: keep doing good without expecting results for sometime.
now we are ready. understand dear that human relations is the best thing and communication can sort out everything.

firstly do u know the b'days, anniversaries of ur hubby's closest relatives.
atleast of ur sis in law/ her children.
pl know it.
if anything is falling due in the near future... u r a smart girl.
u know what to do.
if not...

what does ur MIL like?
hobbies etc.
divert her mind to something she likes to do.
u would have heard 'IDLE MIND IS DEVILS WORKSHOP'.
LET ME KNOW WHAT SHE LOVES TO DO.
we'll work out how to go abt it.
take care love.

everyone is worth their salt honey.
dont believe in anything ill they spk of u.
u hear hundred people telling u r bad, it is human tendency to feel one might be bad.
dont take that crap.
we'll sort out ur problem dear.

BELIEVE U CAN DO IT.
:idea

kenny · Apr 28, 2010

@deepd-yeah thats what i want but only concern is that past few months(-2-3 months )dh is only finding faults with my family for whatever good also they do....whe i try to discuss over it...he becomes all the more violent and say that i just take their side...donno how to handle that...well!i have not made an attempt to talk about them even generaly now...dont mention anything bout them..though i myself talk to them regularly...
once in a while on special occasions-like my mil's bday or any festival,my parents and my bro n sil had called...they are ok still with my bro-n sil they talk well to them but donno why they dont talk v nicely to my parents...which i feel really sad about...my parents are v simple and down to earth ppl...they are v good to my bhabi(sil )also...they never expected anything from her side and infact they themselves keeep calling up her parents and they are v good to er family unlike my Mil who herself never called them since i got married...and infact my hubby at leas used to be good to them but she has made him v v negative for them...and now i feel he has a lot of bittterness for them...doono what all she keeps telling him...
donno what all she gets out of it...
@sujavinay-
first of all i would like to state that donno why but find u v sweet ...feel as if ur my long lost friend...
yeah i beieve in myself...for sure...just that want some positive vibes to give me confidence...
yeah i know all dates well infact im the one who keeps sending cards and all to them..but in the near future nobody'd bday is due....well but still il keep a track of that...
well as far my mil is concerned...she likes taing care of hersel n her body-likes going to parlours regularly-for regular facials,pedicures n all....likes
shoping around...she has endless outfits still keeps buying them though she is nmly at home...and even doesnt get a chance at time to wear a those outfits...well thats ok as far as she is happy..secondly she likes going out to places...ev weekend wanst to go to a new plc...that too with her son dearest s she clings to us wherever we go...any movie which is out ...priorly only she will tell my dh to get the tickets done...so all 3 ov us go...so therefore dont get any space...as it is on weekdays my hubby comes late n even i come late from work...and weekend she is always there with us..so no personal space....:rant
secondly occasionally she goes to her friends-kitty parties n all but thats on weekdays...
she also likes knitting n all which she keeps doing n also likes embroidery n stuff...so rather than helpin me even slightly for the housework she keeps busy with eithe thse things or TV-the idiot box where she all time is busy with the daily soaps....
so thts it about her...but then i must say all her relatives talk good about me...even mil's mother used to praise me all the time but i see that she cant take my praises as well...i guess she even brainwashed her ...coz the way her mom used to be v loving and caring to me ,she is no more now..but yes teh other realtives are al good and they keep praising about my nature n all...
well..this is it for now...well i must say that thru ur words i am really touched ,cant tell u how it feels...that even being a stranger u do believe in me...love u for it dear...
hope u can gide me further...il do my best as much as i can...try being good even is she is not....lets c what God has in store 4 me..
thanx again guys!!!

sujavinay · Apr 28, 2010

hi kenny,
good ur MIL likes embroidery!!!

tell me the nature of ur job.
does it require u to be far away from home.
any official trip/ anything like that?

what abt ur husband's job?
does it make him stay away from u for long?
i believe u would have got the news letter for ILites in ur mail
"21 golden rules for indian women".
use the last rule honey:thumbsup.

the next thing u have to do is reduce the amount of bhav u giv ur husband
do all good things for ur MIL if possible in front of him but dont expect him to say anything abt it.
if he tells anything good abt it just tell a few more good things about his mother and finish the conversation.

next thing u must do is this.
go to a fancy store where u get the latest easy embroidery kits.
buy her some fevicryl glitter tubes used in fabrics.
it is very good along with normal embroidery.
take her out alone without ur husband for the shopping if possible.
i may sound weird but spending time with her outside rather than at home will loosen up the situation a bit.

ready for action?
do it and tell me.
by then i'll squeeze my brain to gety something out for u.:bonk.
take care dearest.
i hope all would be well.
prayers for u dear.
take care.

kenny · Apr 29, 2010

hi sujavinay-
well !i have a consultancy of my own so for 3-3.5 hrs both in the morning and evening...i come home for lunch...rest 4 a while and then go back in the evening...the place is not v far away...about 15 min run from my place since its of my own so ,im my own boss...dont need to travel outside the city..
as far as hubby's job is concerned he's with a MNC.so goes early around 8 and comes at the same time as i do...around 8.30-9pm..his plc is quite far-around 1.5 to 2 hrs drive...
-will try out ur embroidery stuff for sure...but thiking of getting it on my own as a surprise for her...lets c how it works...
-as far as 21 golden rules are concerned didnt go thru them but have done it now..excellent stuff i must say...
now lets hw things work..
thanx anyways buddy...
fr all ur effort n hardwork...

sujavinay · Apr 29, 2010

hi kenny,
guess i'll have to wait to know what happens.
u have more time with ur MIL than ur hubby.
it surely is a plus point honey.
work on it.

dont spk anything back dear.
even if she tries to poke.
if she tries to talk negative try diverting her to atopic she likes or ask her a doubt abt cooking.
try it.

take care dearest.
see ya.:cheers

sujavinay · Apr 29, 2010

hei,
try going out with her when possible.
take care.
bye.

kenny · Apr 30, 2010

ok ya its gonna take time...i agree n m working on it..but as i asked u..main concern was dh not talking or showing any interest in my family...how would that happen...its nt that iv not done al this earlier...infact iv always tried to make a good relation with my mil but u know her but now ofcourse im trying in a diff mode...only concern is even if my hubby sees that my mil n me r having a good time together and we are good to each other-he's happy..but would not care to ask about my family ...he's happy in his own world...even if its a month iv not spoken anything about them he will still not bother to ask bout them...so i feel im the one who is making attempts to work out ev thing ,isnt it his duty to see a smile on my face???:rant.
but would ofcourse try out from your style...
secondly also one thing more bugs me...we have never sat and discussed finances....since im also working ,i make all my expenses on my own...never take anything from him..he does often ask money from me when reqd...but then he never discusses anything regarding his salary or anything to me...as if im still new to him..only the son and the mom do all that...i never intereferred because his mom had been handling all this in the beginning so thought that i sould not interfere....but ideally we should sit down n discuss regarding investment plans....what i feel bad about is ...we dont have any joint account...though mom and son share one...they have their FD's also on their name....no joint policy with me also...im no where there...its not that i need his money but i kind of feel that im always aloof ev where..they have sidelined me...though they expect from me but im no where in the picture infact dont even know how much money is in what account...so feel y have they always secluded me this way...whatever i earn its transparent to my hubby...
if its anything regarding my sis in law (his sis)regarding her family-they never tel me...i mean regarding her in laws...though i can make out something fishy goes on..but the topic is never raised when im there...i feel im not telling it to the outside world..why am i secluded from anything...though i share everything from them..
im also a member of the family...y such a lot of differenc...
can u comment anything over it...or things which are going on are ok??

sujavinay · Apr 30, 2010

hi kenny,
i know u r concerned abt him not talking to ur family.
patience is warranted dearie.
is any special occasion involving ur husband/ mom in law due in the near future?
let me know.
just wait for few days kenny.

next abt finances.
what is the property holding ur husband has?
r u in ur own/ rented house?
what is the amt of savings that u can do?
how old is ur hubby and how old are u?
think of any new venture that u could make him invest along with u.
like u and him buying a plot or something like that.

sorry dear today's mail is lot of questions.
but pl be patient and reply.
we'll work out.
every problem has a solution.

and abt something fishy going on,
let's first get ur hubby to commit himself to u dear.
till then dont keep ur mind occupied over things u cant do anything abt.

the fishiest thing that can happen is that some money transaction could be going on between ur MIL and SIL. prioritize ur problems love. money is not priority here.
let us not conclude anything. but expect the worst so it will not matter to u later.

nothing is big in this world... NOTHING.