Husband needing marriage advice

OP, Welcome to the forum. Sorry, there isn't enough information to make sense out of your wife's unwarranted behaviour. So, here are the questions:
1.) Was she an only child ? How does she behave with her siblings ?
Is she rude to her own parents ever ?
2.) Have you both ever gone for a holiday or a weekend trip or even an outing ? How is her behaviour in such trips ?
3.) Is she a working woman ? Does she do the household chores properly ?
4.) What do you think is the source of her grouse against you ? Has she confided in you with anything, any of her secrets, any dreams or aspirations.
5.) Have you asked her why did she get married to you ? Does she have a convincing answer for that ?
6.) Does she think too highly of herself ? Does she have traits of NPD or narcissistic personality disorder ?
7.) Finally, how does SHE plan to take ahead this marriage ? What would she say if you ask this question to her ?
If you give an example of a conversation between you and her, it may throw more light on her behaviour.

She is an example of how kids become in future when they have lived their childhood, teenage and adolescent years with huge sense of entitlement (parents to blame for this). More information in the link below.
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/general-discussions/256229-is-entitlement-culture-to-blame.html

 

:exactly:

Hay Rohan... don't just worry about her feelings .. Do give importance to yourself and also anything related to YOU. if she yell at you ignore, don't become week as she is not your little daughter to please her always. she is 26 years now and she should understand and give respect to your feelings too. if not just ignore and forget that you have a wife (at lest act), see if she understands and approaches you as a wife or not. If not still don't worry let her do as per her wish about her life , good luck. take care.

 

Sir,
If you'll permit me, may I put it quite bluntly?
You have gotten yourself a spoilt trophy wife. Yes, she is pretty and certainly a trophy wife. Alas shelf life of that trophy is done and dusted.

But that honeymoon period (of making out like bunnies after her tantrums) is over. This is a costly error where instead of taking time before wedding to understand the true common values and common ground, you seem to have gotten a bit carried away being smitten in the months before marriage.

Now what? Tough. She most likely wont change, and continue to make you miserable. Unless you take a real tough stance - like saying you will walk out of this, and follow-through with atleast a temporary separation period unless she mends her ways. Mark my words - she wont get the message without tough action.

 

Wow..i actually double checked ur name to make sure it aint my hubby ..I was quite similar to ur wife 3 years back - pampered by parents , spoilt ,bratty and used to getting my way at home all the time.Then i met my husband who would lovingly indulge me before marriage.I was never ever rude with him , since i respect him a lot , but I was always pissed off if I didnt get my way.
After marriage , however , he tried telling me many times that this behavior cant go on and i have to change.I never took him seriously until he told his and eventually my parents that he was at the end of his rope.Being pampered n all I am still pretty scared of my mom and she is the one who talked sense into me.Turns out - for the first copule years u cant really be "urself" in a marriage.We both have to be at our best behaviors.Its just what I did..and today I am a changed person and we couldnt be happier
In my case ,what worked was the thought of losing my husband and screwing up my marriage.And this is the only fear u need ur wife to feel.If she loves u enough,she'll change.But she isnt necessarily a bad person,just a little immature.

 

I can actually empathize with what Irohan is trying to say.But trying to think from her view point is only going to indulge her bad behavior.She needs to realize that the fear of losing her husband is real.

 

u need to toughen up ... u need to make her understand all the nagging, attitude, bad mouthing is making u not love her any more and u need ur space...

may be u shud just go on a business trip for a week and tell her that u r doing this to get away from her, and want to seriously think about ur relation ship and where it is heading.. as u r not having a happy married life...

do not go to ur parents place,.. that will cause trouble as it will seem as if u r ditching her for ur parents...

give her a warning that u cannot continue in this relation unless she changes.... its ur life u need to get this back into track... and some times fear of losing some one will change that person...

 

Rohan,

Why are you guys discussing her behaviour in front of her? The conversation with her dad was really really bad. Basically he gave her a blank cheque to do what she wants and indirectly told her she has his blessing. This is not going to remedy the situation. Similarly with your mom you told mom in front of her not to bug her anymore. With a spoilt princess syndrome this sort of thing is going to embolden her further. Why should she listen to you when you ppl are all talking like this? so kindly look into having private conversations. you can have a private conversation with fil to ascertain his views and if they are favorable to you continue before her. Otherwise nix the whole thing. Please be a little smart about this. you are certainly not doing yourself any favors by having such conversations which are basically emboldening her.

guesshoo has given good advice on how to deal with her. To that I would only add one more point. Never keep a defeated look on your face or appear helpless before her. I learnt this with my kids Look defeated means you have lost the battle and even those little ones know it! So definitely your wife who is grownup will too. Even if you have decided to give in, dont show it on your face. If you feel defeated or helpless, or dont know what to do next to get your point across instead of showing it, walk away. End the conversation. Leave the house and dont come back for sometime or eat out to communicate your displeasure.

Secondly while you implement the suggested points from your end, you also need to call her Dad and strongly inform him that you are not going to tolerate his dd's behaviour anymore. If he gives you more BS about her being a Goddess etc, let him know clearly that unless he backs you up and tells his dd to behave you may soon be returning the Goddess back to her abode, ie., his house. Be firm and clear. Tell him he is welcome to take back his Goddess, and continue to pamper her, but she is definitely not wife material. That he needs to stop encouraging her like this. Be clear that if things continue like this it may come to that. Have this conversation with both her parents. When you do, dont beg or plead. You are giving an ultimatum. So be firm and decisive. If they try to justify or argue then just end the conversation right there and leave that place. Dont be swayed and change your mind. They are doing the wrong thing and it will take them some time to realize it so just leave.

 

........ :confused2:

 

Hi unicorn11,



I believe every woman at root level has this insecurity of loosing her husband.
I am not blaming either of them because I feel that's not the issue. Just 8 months of marriage, it takes time for different people to adjust. Now a girl who has spent 25 years living a very carefree lifestyle cannot tranform herself at blink of an eye to mold herself to match Rohan's family lifestyle. Had it been more than a year or two, things would have been different then.
Here, what I percieve is, the problem lies in the bond they share, which is weak and with no mutual understanding.

That needs to be developed first since they have to spend their entire life together. Adjustments and acknowledgements from both the individuals is required.


Anyways, Thanks for the comment.