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Husband needing marriage advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Irohan, Jul 17, 2014.

  1. Irohan

    Irohan New IL'ite

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    Hello ladies

    My name is Rohan. A guy writing on this forum might be strange. I am writing here with the hope of getting some much needed advice on my marital life. I have no sisters, been to a boy's school, engineering, then onto a male dominated workplace and no female friends either. So you get the picture, no real interaction with a female before marriage. And the thing is while I used to consider myself a smart guy who can deal with any tough situation with men, I find myself incapable of handling my wife.


    I am 29 and my wife is 26, we got married 8 months ago. It was an arranged marriage. My wife is short tempered and rude. She snaps ever so often if things don't go the way she wants it. I have tried to remain silent through her temper outbursts, argue/shout back, tried to calm her with soothing words, telling her marriage will not work out like this-but nothing works. Everything has to go her way. She is rude to my parents, who actually used to look at her as a daughter as they have none. Things have gotten so bad that today my parents are nervous about visiting us. (We live seperately from my parents but near by to them).


    I tried talking to her parents but it was of zero help. "She is like this only, we keep quiet when she gets angry and rages, she will calm down after sometime." This behavior I definitely was not told about before marriage! Her father thinks of her as a princess who can do no wrong. When I appealed to him to talk to my wife, he instead tells me in her presence " She is like Goddess Lakshmi to me, ever since she was born our family prosperity has only increased. I never consider anything I buy for her as expenditure but as daan to Goddess in temple!!" Since this incident, if I tell my wife "No" to anything she retorts that even her father has never ever said "No" to her for anything and if he ever did, she would go ahead and do exactly that.


    I am feeling miserable and depressed. My work is suffering because of this. I spoke to a few friends (guys) but could not get any useful advice. Please help me.

    Thanks.

     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is not a women's issue. An issue of a spoilt brat. She needs to grow a mile to become a wife, and then to a mother.

    Better speak to a psychiatrist for a solution. Because not every woman is her replica. Not even 1% I think.
     
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  3. ramya1979

    ramya1979 Bronze IL'ite

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    Did you check she is in depression or hypo thyroid issues?. Hypo thyroid need people without electorician /any other medication , behaves weird. Check on this. If so, check for good endocrinologist.

    She snaps ever so often if things don't go the way she wants it. Common phoenomena either in females or male...Dont you get angry if your work is not going in the right direction...

    Parents love their daughter even though they know their mistakes..Its part of the Blood of Parents..

    I can suggest :
    Talk to some one who is close to your wife.
    Cool and have patience for some time. Let her bark . If she doesnt get the response from other side, she will calm down after few times. Give a try. Only thing is you need lot of patience. Can you?. for your loving wife??
     
  4. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Try to be firm and polite with her and clearly tell her what are your expectations from the marriage and her. Do not agree to her temper for the sake of keeping peace at home, it will only aggravate things.

    Show her you are disappointed with her behavior, when the need arises. Treat her respectfully, but point out her mistakes.

    Remember, it will take time for you to make her realize her shortcomings. You need to have lots of patience and firm footing.
     
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  5. Denni

    Denni Gold IL'ite

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    PIL to be blamed. They worship her for silly reasons and expect the son in law do the same. She may be goddess Laksmi to them but to you she is YOUR WIFE who need to be tamed.!I was only gal in my family of 2 elder brothers. My dad loved me so much and yeah he said I brought prosperity to the family. After my marriage, my dad never meddled in my life . He even scolded me if I'm being disrespectful to my husband. You cannot expect the same treatment you received in parents house after marriage. Tell her to her face...you are not a goddess to me and start being a proper wife!

    Make your stand and put a stop to her silly and nonsense behaviour. Bro, do it now to avoid future heartbreak!
     
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  6. Marun

    Marun Platinum IL'ite

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    May be a case of bipolar or BPD mate. Consult a counsellor!
     
  7. Irohan

    Irohan New IL'ite

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    Thank you all, I am touched by the quick replies.


    I did think of a counselor but am hesitant. Dont know if my wife would agree to it.


    @ramya1979: thanks. I was not aware about hypo thyroid will definitely read up on this. But she seems healthy, I never imagined any sickness. I dont really know anyone close to her as she belongs to a different city and relocated post marriage ( I initially thought homesickness was the reason for her behavior but this behavior has only grown).


    I told her firmly once or twice that if her short temper continues I will walk out of the marriage . But this only sent her into sobbing/self-pity mode that her husband does not even understand her unlike her daddy who accepts her just the way she is, good and bad.


    @Denni I wish my FIL was like your Dad but he is not. That would have made my life so much simpler.


    I have heard this advice before - to "tame her". But how do I do that? I dont know. If it involves raising my hand, I can never ever do that. But seriously, other than that, how do I make her respect me/behave properly.


    I know patience is good, but it has worn thin. I am feeling quite frustrated now.
     
  8. HeartHealer

    HeartHealer Guest

    Hi Rohan,



    As far as my understanding goes, I feel, an emotional connect, a bond, a mutual understanding is missing between both of you. Its just been 8 months and you have posted a thread on the forum. Though, nothing bad about it, but its definitely not a good sign.

    Few things I would like to say....

    First, its very necessary for an emotional bond to develop between both of you. The missing factor is the mutual understanding, which needs to be checked.

    You understand her nature very well. She is born and brought up in a family who has treated her as princess. She has never seen any male dominance over her and every wish of her has been addressed. So, yes, it is getting little difficult for her to adjust in a different family with a different family culture. These things happen, but they take their own course of time and as a husband I expect you to understand this.

    Also, try to understand her opinions also. If she's saying something, listen to her. Try to put yourself in her shoes and understand her view point. If at all you feel she is right, do it.
    If you feel her interpretations are wrong, do things as you want but always justify your actions with logical reasons.
    Let her know clearly why you chose a particular way for doing something. A clear communication is very important. It helps the other person to understand where he was wrong.

    Don't let her disrespect your parents. If you pay some respect to her family and friends, its not wrong to expect the same amount of affection for your loved ones too.

    Give sometime to this relationship. 8 months is still a very less time. You both are different individuals, it takes time to adjust with each other.

    Try to find out some common interests and respect your differences too.

     
    3 people like this.
  9. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello mate,

    don't go about thinking about taming her like she were a wild animal! She is human being and despite her spoilt behaviour, deserves to be treated with dignity. She is super spoilt though. I'll give you that. I'll also applaud you for coming here seeking help because I understand from my male friends that it isn't every guy has it in him to do this.

    Tell her calmly that her attitude and anger management issues aren't helping your marriage. Tell her that you want to go to a counsellor so you can figure out how to lead a harmonious life together. If she refuses to come, I suggest you go by yourself anyway.

    i suggest you treat her like an errant toddler - look up parenting articles here and on babycentre, etc. Everything from your body language to your tone to your words can be used to communicate with her. You don't have to be rude or even raise your voice. You can be calm, polite and firm, maintaining your dignity at every stage. And make sure that bad behaviour doesn't get her anything. In other words, don't give in. Say she wants to go for a movie and is being aggressive about it, don't indulge her just to make her shut up. Tell her calmly that her tone was not respectful and you don't want to go. Perhaps when you both are more at peace.

    When she she starts acting up or being dramatic, just look her in the eye and say calmly in a low voice, "I'll give you time to calm down and we can discus this like rational adults." Then leave the room. Do not stand there trying to reason with her when she is being unreasonable. Just move away. However annoys you are don't show it - carry on doing things which calm and delight you. Read a book; watch tv; listen to music. Then talk calmly to her once she has calmed down.

    If she resorts to the infamous silent treatment, calmly state, "this is extremely childish and passive aggressive. Think about whether it is going to help you solve the problem. When you are ready to discuss this I'm right here." Then carry on doing whatever

    Do your stuff yourself without depending on her. Be it cooking or cleaning or laundry. Make it clear to her that you are looking for companionship in a marriage and if she can't provide it...

    Like sgbv says not all women are like this. Most of them are rational and willing to work things through. These are just skills one ought to have been taught in childhood but it is never too late to learn in case the parents had dropped the ball.

    Go to a counsellor. You will be able to figure our strategies specific to your case. I sincerely hope that your wife comes down from la-la land soon.

    PS: sorry if I sound impertinent but this really has to be said. Please make sure you guys don't have a baby before you sort all this out.
     
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  10. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    If her parents has raised her like goddess for last 26 years has given her everything she demands she must have develop sense of entitlement ,infact a lot of it.Can you undo last 26 years spoiling in few days?Well i dont know.
     
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